Realizing I'm in hell

[gummianka]

Next day. Yesterday I slept all day after work. I honestly don't know why I am doing this right now. I have been alone for many years, finally meet this woman and now all hope there is gone (no, I see no chance whatsoever of geting her again, for far more reasons than this PIED alone). Why not just accept that I will remain broken til the day I die and live in the fantasy world of porn?

Really feeling like shit now. Off to work soon, and then a weekend that I do not look forward to one bit. Feeling sick all the time, dizzy, light stomach cramps.

 

[gummianka]

I hate this.
I work out.
I eat right.
I take most stuff you can to boost testosterone

Still, when I needed to be, well, just bloody normal,
I failed.

 

[bob]

Why not just accept that I will remain broken til the day I die and live in the fantasy world of porn?

gummianka,

I know I should have some positive words of support that will assist you in this whole process but currently, I am feeling the same way. While I could last without the PMO, i am struggling with MO. The problem is I am not sure that MO will cure my frustration.

It just never seems enough. I think... if I could just... and I am falling down the same whole.

Oh how I wish I could eliminate this feeling of hopelessness. It sucks, big time.

 

[gummianka]

hey guys.
As you can see, I am using this place as a plce to get shit off my chest, to nail down what I actually feel and, trust me, the comments I get from you are heaven sent.

I have no God, I have no hope, I hev no family, no woman, no child, no close friends anymore. Hell, I even lost my country. I have, for many years now, only had myself, and the illusion of this woman. Now, all of that disappeared and it was of my doing. Correction, it was me wasting all that time looking at useless porn. To quote Bitter moon - "I had a glimpse of paradise, just to have the door slammed shut in my face"

I see now how I will exit this world, what my last thought will be when I exit. Will I be the man that hunched in front of a screen jacking off a limp dick, or the man that actually rose from that. That is actually the thought that keeps me going now. Not hope, not to have a better life in the future, not to have sex again, not to meet "that special snowflake", not to please any higher form of marality, just to be able to stare down into the Abyss, spit into it and say Fuck you.

Physically now I am feeling sick all the time, massive headache, no apetite. I have an urde to "comfort-wank" but have not used any porn. Doid a little bit of M before, but quit. Asked on another part of the forum if I should stay away from that as well and got the answer "yes", so from now on no more touching. Forced myself to go out and meet people this weekend, and no matter how weak I am, I will go to the gym tomorrow to work out.

 

[notgivinup]

gummianka.....

This is the tough part....and yes, all you are feeling is your body wanting more of the same garbage you were feeding it. It's your brain calling out for more poison.

Your illustrations are right on....and I see that you have the determination and spirit to keep your eyes focused ahead.....looking for the clouds to part. They will. Just keep going.

You are a strong man. You'll make it.

Keep going.

I'm really glad you're here.

NGU

 

[Leon]

Gummianka, welcome to the Nation.

You'll find that as you continue to say, 'NO' to this stuff, that your libido will increase, that you'll naturally attract women. You'll be far more confident, and there's like an invisible sonar or radar that women can sense a man in control of themselves.

If that other lady didn't work out, it's not your last chance. But you have an awesome opportunity to build a 'new you' without porn and masturbation, and you can thereby recapture the hope and joys of intimacy.

I believe in you, and am here for you in any way I can be.

 

[gummianka]

@notgivinup - Thanks for your post. Your handle and avatar was actually a ggod motivator. Yes, a last stand like that hoplite you have is how I see this.

@Leon - Hope you are right. At the moment, I am actually hoping for a flatline, to simply better ride this out. Currently I am having morning wood and feeling honry-(ish) most of the day. Well, to be hnest, i think it is more cravings to porn then actual being horny. I'm so messd up I cannot tell them apart.

yesterday I forced myself to go out and meet some new people. Good people, and I actually really felt it as a healing process. Focused on being in the moment, and taking in as much as possible of each second of the night. Massive urge to watch porn this morning, but by having this page as the first thing I see when I switch on internet, writing here activates the rational part of my brain and I can resist the urge.

Day 6 today.

 

[Leon]

@Leon - Hope you are right. At the moment, I am actually hoping for a flatline, to simply better ride this out. Currently I am having morning wood and feeling honry-(ish) most of the day. Well, to be hnest, i think it is more cravings to porn then actual being horny. I'm so messd up I cannot tell them apart.

yesterday I forced myself to go out and meet some new people. Good people, and I actually really felt it as a healing process. Focused on being in the moment, and taking in as much as possible of each second of the night. Massive urge to watch porn this morning, but by having this page as the first thing I see when I switch on internet, writing here activates the rational part of my brain and I can resist the urge.

Day 6 today.

Congrats on day 6.

It's too soon to speak of libido, you're right. My aim was to encourage hope, the end results of this process. But when the flatline comes, it will be a Godsend, and you can use it to your advantage.

Yes, the horniness is just the addicted self talking. It's the habituated urges talking, that as long as you wait out the urges (as opposed to directly resisting them), they will weaken over a short time, as long as you're consistent. Whenever we respond to the urges/triggers we only reinforce the addiction.

You're doing great.

 

[gummianka]

Thanks for the reply, Leon.

Strange day today. Been feeling too sick to go and train, so have spent most of the day educating myself on this addiction, and researching the rebooting and healing process. Been sleeping a lot as well.

Not relapsed, but was close a couple of times. Fantasy land and starting to M but then realizing what I was doing and stopping it. I wonder how damaging those short moments are. Organized to go out tonight as well to meet some new friends.

 

[bob]

started to M but then realizing what I was doing and stopping it. I wonder how damaging those short moments are.

To be able to stop once you have started shows the strength within yourself. I am impressed.

Peace

 

[gummianka]

Thanks Bob!

Another night out. Good to be active. Invited people over for next weekend, so i will have a social gathering to feed from. promised some complex food, so I will also be occupied a few days shopping and preparing the meal.

sad thoughts as I sat there tonight. I saw everyone at the table as healthy people, and me as some freakish fucking goblin, unhealty, impotent, weak, useless. they had girlfriends, were dating, had healthy sexual lives. Me? Nothing, just some goddamn ruins of what used to be. Coming home now, every part of me wanted to kill the sex filter on my PC and seek comfort in porn. Writing here instead. It is funny, I actually HURT, that's how bad I want to log on now. It actually feels like cheating on porn. Jesus, I see how weird that sounds, but it actually describe how I feel. I wonder how deep into this I really am.

well, it's been a piece of shit day, but at least i made it.

 

[Leon]

It may feel like that now, maybe for a short while. But as soon as you gain some distance from this thing, you'll start feeling better and better.

You never know what folk are going through. All of us here, we're not mutants, and neither are you. We all just had our pleasure centers hijacked by this addiction, but on the outside, I'm sure most of us look relatively normal. I would venture to say that in the restaurant setting you described, there was probably 1 or more sex/porn addicts in there, even with their spouses sitting next to them (perhaps oblivious).

Don't be too hard on yourself. Yes, realize the pain you've caused yourself and others, but look up- you're beginning to make a difference in your life now.

Soon, you'll see how our inward moods affect our behaviors. Be compassionate on yourself, and embrace this new journey you find yourself on. It can only turn out good from here.

 

[bob]

I would venture to say that in the restaurant setting you described, there was probably 1 or more sex/porn addicts in there, even with their spouses sitting next to them (perhaps oblivious).

I agree completely.

Leon's words are wise when he say to go easy on yourself. As strange and it may seem, beating yourself up doesn't help. It may even hurt your progress.

Peace

 

[gummianka]

Thanks
Yes. Beating myself up, a lot now. Filled with hate,
rage, bitterness. Very, very scared.

 

[gummianka]

Update and details.

Realized i Counted the days wrong. Today is day six. I did a few days before, then took the test, so that doesn't count.

Finding it hard to not masturbate, do it almost withouth thinking, and then escalating with fantasies until I catch myself and stop. Fantasies are not re living porn scenes, but rather my own imagination with various girls, mostly women that are "not real", as playboy models etc.

Clicked a link on a forum earlier on, and that lead to an animated porn Gif (some joke, the link was supposed to lead to something completely different). MASSIVE dopamine rush. I killed it, re opened it, then killed the page again.

Talked to a friend yesterday night, and told him about this. Think it was a good step to let some real person know, it is no longer my dirty little secret in the same way. Think the information was good for him as well, to be aware of this danger.

I still miss my porn-life. No, not perhaps porn itself, but the comfort of not feeling like this, not knowing what it was doing to me, and I also suspect that my addicted mind is playing tricks with me, making the stuff I crave seem sooooo much better then it really is. Weird fighting my own thoughts and feelings like this.

Also noticing how sex is EVERYWHERE. No, I am not counting just images of women, but content that is clearly aimed at arousal. I see it on facebook, all kinds of sites, magazines, billboards etc. I don't worry too much about that, it is merely an observation.

Feeling quite exhausted today, not in the same fighting mode as the days before. Will try to let this day wash over me. Hopefully my stomach cramps get a little bit better and I can go and do some training.

Peace

 

[gummianka]

Dunno if this is a good sign or not, but when flaccis, my dick is now really small, and my balls are tight as hell, and almost crawled up into my body. They are also freezing cold.

 

[gummianka]

Hardest day so far. Massive fantasies. Actually googled
Some images of girls, then close down. Not counting
as a relapse since I forced myself away.

Trying fasting and sleeping. Today every second is
about porn. Can't that flatline hit me now?? Extremely
tired all the time. Will try sleeping a it again now.

Scared if this is setting me back or if fighting through
this is good. Confused on the whole reboot thing, if I am
just kidding myself since I cannot stop thinking.

 

[Leon]

Hardest day so far. Massive fantasies. Actually googled
Some images of girls, then close down. Not counting
as a relapse since I forced myself away.

Trying fasting and sleeping. Today every second is
about porn. Can't that flatline hit me now?? Extremely
tired all the time. Will try sleeping a it again now.

Scared if this is setting me back or if fighting through
this is good. Confused on the whole reboot thing, if I am
just kidding myself since I cannot stop thinking.

Congrats on forcing yourself away. Count that as a victory.

My advice would be to not pay overly much attention to what the body does. In my experience, I never considered flatline or horniness as any indicator or desired state. If I was horny, it was either a natural response or it was related to the bad habit of porn/masturbation. If it was the former, I could just let it pass (or work it out with my wife); if it was the latter, then I'd distract myself from it until it passes- and it does pass.

At this time, when it seems so overwhelming all these thoughts, simply find a distraction. Find something that will take up your physical and mental energy, like exercising. These are obsessive urges or thoughts, and it's best to not engage them directly, but to engage them indirectly. What this means is- instead of trying not to think about a 'pink elephant' as they say, which only strengthens the obsession- try rather to ignore it, understand it compassionately (more self-love), but just let it come and go without responding to it. Soon, it will pass from your mind, and you'll start building that confidence you need to see this thing through.

You can do this.

 

[gummianka]

Cannot wait until this day is over. Tanks for the encouraging words. I am constantly breakinga llt he rules here, but as long as I can go through this without PMO I will be happy.

 

[gummianka]

OK, I think I made it.
Sheer willpower.
Kill the escalation early. I started with seeing an innocent image, and then found myseld actually image googling models in a way so my porn filer would not detect it. That filter saved me, as when it kicked in, I realized what the hell i was doing. So stopping the downward spiral as quickly as possible.
Cold shower. Just had one, and the water seem to rinse everything off. I need to do that more often, and as soon as I start getting the cravings.
Fasting. fasted all day and had my first meal now. Feel completely drained, and that deadness is welcomed. I see a lot of people fearing the flatline, but I actually can't wait for it. If I could sleep away 6 months, I would.

Still cannot understand how to "stop fantasizing". My mind is constantly preoccupied with these thougfhts now. I can kill it by sleeping, thats about it. Gonna have an early night tonight, and rise to fight another day tomorrow.