Realizing I'm in hell

[Boo]

How, how, how can this damn thing be so strong!

Brain chemistry is a powerful thing bro. As someone who's been using for 40 yrs. I can assure you it's strong. Once you fully understand the connection to the reward center of our lizard brain it all makes sense, from a "survival of the species" standpoint. I think you have to do whatever it takes to do a hard 90 days of no peeking, no over-stimulation of any kind. That's what I'm shooting for, anyway.

Pop culture is all around us and saturated with sexual images and messages. All this triggers us. It's a real battle to avoid the exposure but that's what it takes. Or, at least it's a piece of the puzzle.

 

[gummianka]

Thanks Boo I have now set my first goal to do until the end of May That is well into summer here, and I would like to think of it as I eneter summertime a stronger and better version of myself. Up until then, I can be in hell.

Anyone have any idea of how much of a set back this failure was?

 

[Boo]

You are new to the forum. Have you had a noteworthy streaks of no-pmo at all? (several days or weeks?)

 

[Boo]

Anyone have any idea of how much of a set back this failure was?

My experience has been that streaks build upon streaks, even with relapses in between. The key is not giving up. I had streaks that lasted several days to several weeks culminating in a 53 day streak which I then messed up and ended up using again for 2 solid yrs. Messed up, I know. I should have just started over again. That's the real point of rebooting: understanding that it's not easy and just not giving up. That's my plan this time. You have to become a master of managing your own emotions and personal psychology.

 

[gummianka]

Thanks, OK

I had six days before this. Funny enough, this was not the worst day, it just happened. day 2 - 4 was a lot harder

 

[Whew]

Hey gummianka - Just read this thread and something stood out to me. You've written that PMO is all you do (or all you want to do, anyway). But through the thread you mention working out, shopping/cooking for friends, friends visiting for the weekend, reading and finishing a book and other things. It actually sounds like you have a life. This is really important (IMO), because kinds of things are easier to build on than they are to start from scratch.

And, when I'm in the darkness, the despair, I try to remember that it's natural for everything to look dark and empty. In my experience, the despair after a relapse is quickly a thing of the past when I make the decision to move past it.

We're in the struggle and that beats giving up.

 

[Boo]

I'm going to be honest with you. You're in for a rough road. We all are. This is no easy path. You really have to push through and manage your thought-life to an extent that is sometimes exhausting. When the pull is strong it can be like "hell", as you say. This is virtually a lifetime habit for most of us here.
Really, masturbation is a "lifestyle" for most men, even puritans (although they won't admit it).

I used to thing that self-pleasure, even inside of marriage, was just the thing men do. It's the sophisticated, modern way to live. But in reality, it's just a mechanism to feel good and usually alleviate some sort of emotional void or simply to relieve boredom. BUT, since the serious altering of brain chemistry is involved, coupling masturbation with porn is a whole new game, especially these days.

Porn is not new. Caligula loaned porn to his Uncle Tiberius. People have always been visually stimulated by one thing or another. Stimulation today is rampant in pop culture. I'm trying to reduce the amount of artificial stimulation in my life. This takes great effort but is part of the puzzle of rejecting porn, IMHO.

 

[gummianka]

Thank you. Boo

I was thinking about this and smoking. I am addicted to my smokes, and starting to kick that habit as well now. However, I have no anger towards cigarettes since I was never lied to. I always knew the dangers of it, and went ahead with open eye. With Porn, just as you say, it is a "lifestyle" that most people do, and to make it worse, something everyone agree to keep to themselves. Im am not against porn for moral reasons, but I really hate this smokescreen of lies that surround it.

Sleepless night last night, but here are a few things I learned from my relapse.

1. Be more vigilant. The darkest hour is not that of pain, but the moment of deceitful ease.
2. Physically combat urges. Take the battle from the mind (where my beast brain has all the advantages) and bring them into the real world where I have the upper hand. This means to block devices, rearrange my flat, go outside, have a cold shower etc.
3. Stop obsessing about it all. It is actually easy. Its just to stop looking at porn and stop playing with myself. Those actions are not me, just as little as shaving or making my bed is me. It is simply something I do. By not being focused on the defensive battle against an addiction, but rather the offensive battle of bettering myself, I will save more energy to the times when I need to combat a wave or urges.
4. At my moment of darkness yesterday, I found this poem here on this site. I would like to share it with you alll and maybe you will find it as beautiful and true as I do.

Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost? I am helpless.
It isn?t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don?t see it.
I fall in again.
I can?t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn?t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ? it?s a habit ? but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter 5
I walk down another street.

 

[Boo]

I've read this poem from somewhere else long ago. It's a simple lesson: learn from mistakes and actions which are not in your best interest. I like #3 on your list: Stop Obsessing. This is so true. PMO is a big problem, BUT, we have to not feed the "bigness" of it in our own minds, as much as that is possible, day to day, hour by hour. You said not looking and touching is easy. I look at it a bit differently. I think it is simple, but not easy. 

If we can get past the extreme challenge of doing the simple for long enough, then it gets easier, if that makes sense. Anyway, keep your psychology in check today and hopefully it will be a clean day. We all have to get to know our minds a little more intimately every day to make progress .

 

[gummianka]

A rough day. Stopped myself several time starting to click on the wrong links. The relapse yesterday sure made things worse. Very tired again, no energy and thoughts are slow. Will try to go to sleep early tonight.

 

[Boo]

You may need to avoid computing for a while if you can. If you work on one, then it's tough. I'm on computers all the time. No filters. Every time you don't act out you will get stronger. You have to believe that. But you can't dance on the edge of the abyss. You have to be in your own corner. You've got to give yourself a fighting chance by fighting. You have to start putting together some streaks and accept incremental progress..i.e.. 7 days, relapse, 10 days, relapse, 15 days, relapse, 20 days,etc.etc.

Jim Rohn called it "soaring self confidence". You have to believe in your own power to control yourself . Right now you sound a bit "beat down". Fuck that! Don't get too caught up in using metaphors like darkness, etc. Start learning about CBT, low frustration tolerance, cognitive distortions, etc. I believe you are an "over-thinker" like me. This stuff can help you to start putting together some victories. You need tools.

 

[gummianka]

yeah, I need to find a way to be off the computor. Problem is it really is such a large part of my life. But you're right, I need to find ways to limit it.

 

[Leon]

You may need to avoid computing for a while if you can. If you work on one, then it's tough. I'm on computers all the time. No filters. Every time you don't act out you will get stronger. You have to believe that. But you can't dance on the edge of the abyss. You have to be in your own corner. You've got to give yourself a fighting chance by fighting. You have to start putting together some streaks and accept incremental progress..i.e.. 7 days, relapse, 10 days, relapse, 15 days, relapse, 20 days,etc.etc.

Jim Rohn called it "soaring self confidence". You have to believe in your own power to control yourself . Right now you sound a bit "beat down". Fuck that! Don't get too caught up in using metaphors like darkness, etc. Start learning about CBT, low frustration tolerance, cognitive distortions, etc. I believe you are an "over-thinker" like me. This stuff can help you to start putting together some victories. You need tools.

I appreciate and second everything you just said here.

 

[gummianka]

OK, Apart from all the filters, I have now removed everything every charger from the bedroom, so my iPhone will never enter that room again. I also removed the chair from my stationary PC. So I can no longer sit in front of it, making porn use impossible unless I quickly develop some acrobatic skills. This does, however mean, that I can use it for listening to music, podcasts etc.

Also promised to jump in a cold shower as soon as I come home every day from work, to start my time alone a bit jacked up from that.

I will quit smoking this weekend. Not sure if that will make this harder or not. Right now the medication I am taking to do that is really making me sick, so hopefully I will have a bit better physical control in a weeks time. That will make training etc much easier.

As someone said in another thread; relying on willpower to fight machines (i.e internet access) is doomed to fail. I need to prepare in advance to limit access.

Reflection: I used to feel loss or sadness when I removed "my" porn before. This feeling is almost gone now, I see it more as removing an old computer game that I have no interest in playing any more, or tossing out a newspaper that I've already read.

 

[gummianka]

Reflection:
When I built up my physique after having hit rock bottom, I didn't think of an end to it, I only trained in the moment, only was in the moment of one more rep, one more good meal, one more rest day and so on.

I think that must be the mindset for this as well. I am not aiming at 30 days, or 60 days, or 90 days. I am writing this text right now, right here, as a small part in the overall effort. It is by perfecting every small moment that the whole becomes a success.

 

[Boo]

Incremental progress. That's usually the path that works long term. Sounds like a plan. 

 

[gummianka]

I think a good mindset is to "keep going". Most of the addictions or bad habits I have struggled with have been stuff where I actively need to do something new. NOT sit in the sofa, GO to the gym. IN this case, this way of thinking may have been counterproductive for me. It seem to be more of CONTINUING with whatever I set my mind on doing, and NOT be distracted by porn. This mindset might withdraw some of the immense focus I now have on this addiction...thought of the day

 

[Boo]

Willpower is a finite resource. You may be exhausting yours too early in the day. IF you do adopt any new disciplines try to engage in them as early in the day as possible. Willpower depletes during the course of a day, even by making decisions. As far as immense focus on porn, I'd say you would benefit from really boiling down porn to it's essence, which is people exercising their baser instincts. It's not enlightened or sophisticated. We need to see porn for the total "mind fuck" that it is and take away it's power.

When you focus on what you think porn does for you, you give it power. Don't do that. You have to believe that it truly is a "want" and not a "need". Addictions are always rooted in a feeling that we "need" the thing, whatever it is. You don't need it. You may still actually want it. That's where you have to work through the "why" and come to the point of not wanting it anymore.

 

[gummianka]

Yup, tight there Boo. As night comes willpower starts to fail, so that is where I must be prepared. Today I tried coming home from work and immidiatly having an ice shower. Good boost and now I have been busy all afternoon with other stuff. Also, removing my chasir makes writing this very hard, but no real possibility to spend time at the PC.

Here is the video I promised you on meditation, at about 19:30 in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36InqL2FhC4&nohtml5=False

 

[fyg]

Hi Gummianka,

I read your journal today. I thought one comment was spot on, and that was that you have loads of good things going on in your life... Physique, job, friends + cooking for them... I understand the feelings that came from that post, as I have lots of good things going for me, and often forget. Anyway, just a comment on that.

You guys talking of want & need and willpower just now is interesting. Just having a little look at the youtube video too... I meditate myself too, but not so much of late...

edit: Meant to say... keep going bro! Some great insights in this journal