Realizing I'm in hell

[Leon]

Cannot wait until this day is over. Tanks for the encouraging words. I am constantly breakinga llt he rules here, but as long as I can go through this without PMO I will be happy.

There are no rules. Others may think of it that way (and so contradict me), but thinking in terms of rules is a way to overburden yourself when you should be focusing on healing. It's not about how much we can 'get away with', and not call it a relapse.

Decide, with all your heart that this new you is what you want over and above the self-gratification that we sought from all the poor exploited women posted all over the internet.

The life you truly desire and deserve is your's for the taking, as we let this old-shell of our former selves fall away.

 

[harry]

Don't worry, you're not breaking any rules. You're engaged in a big battle to beat this addiction, and you're doing an admirable job.

It's always tough in the early days as your mind plays tricks on you. The images and the fantasies will fade over time.

Like Leon mentioned, accept you are having these feelings and thoughts, and find a way to distract yourself so you avoid taking any action on pursuing them. It's not easy, but it will get better.

Cold showers are the best! I've been taking one daily for the last two months and cannot say enough good things about them. If you can handle taking a cold shower every day, you can do anything.

Stay strong, and post as often as you need. You're on the right path!

 

[gummianka]

Thanks all.

 

[bob]

From Leon...

Decide, with all your heart that this new you is what you want over and above the self-gratification that we sought from all the poor exploited women posted all over the internet.


As always, wise words from our dear friend and supporter, Leon.

Thank you for your continued support of those of use who continue to struggle with this frustrating addiction. Your dedication is lovingly acknowledged. You are truly appreciated here in the trenches of recovery.

Peace

 

[Brooklyn Jerry]

  I guess for some of us, PMO is just like cocaine. If you know you have plenty on hand you will do more lines. I understand if you have no partner JO once a week may be something some guys can do. But some like me kept doing it more and more just like a recreational drug user can become an addict. I won't say it's easy to quit PMO or MO, but will say doing so has been working for me. As far as needing a release I think that it that a fact your will have a wet dream.

 

[Leon]

@ bob.

Thank you brother, and blessings.

I'm right down in the trenches as well. I've had my own share of defeats, and am gaining on enjoying some victories.

 

[gummianka]

Yesterday was the toughest day. Edged a lot and hit porn. Managed to NOT PMO and I suppose that makes me feel a little bit better today.  Had I done that yesterday, I would have felt like a complete failure. Suppose I just need to soldier on today as well. Didn't call in sick but did go to work. Feeling like shit, but was too scared to spend another day at home.

I just want time to pass now. Nothing I look forward to while I am awake. Wish there was a pill I could take that would simply kill my libido completely. It would be easier to be a completely dead zombie rather then a zombie in all aspects but with this painful urge, as I am now.

I've spent the last two years building myself up. Training, eating clean, checking my testosterone, changing my career, growing. And now all that seem like for nothing. I didn't know this habit was this damaging. I thought I was bettering myself and porn was just a stress relief that didn't matter.

I would lie if I didn't say that a part of me want to say "fuck  it", throw everything out the window and just smoke away, porn away, eat away and just bury myself in some self isolation.

With that said, this is what I will do today:
Buy stuff for a dinner party I will be hosting Friday
Go to the gym (this will be interesting, as I am shaking quite a lot so will see how the squats go)
Cold showers. had one this morning (screaming in the shower as well) and it really helps
Clean entire flat
Read something I remember I used to be interested in and see if that can rekindle the passions I used to have for it

 

[gummianka]

Updating as my thoughts are pretty clear right now...

Yesterday I took a hell of a beating, but even though I was down for count, I got back up on my legs. That is worth a lot today. had I given in, and gone all the way, today would be really bad. Although yesterday is nothing to celebrate, the learning and the pride in not surrendering are weapons I can use today.

Thinking in a more egoistic way today, and that helps. I am not doing this for women, or for a woman, I am not doing this for sex. I am simply doing this for me, and to be in control of my life. whatever I do later is not clear now, nor does it need to.

Celebrating the small victories. It might be normal for someone else to not jack off to porn if you have 5 minutes to spend but for me, resisting that urge is a triumph. And I will celebrate and savor those moments more. It is too easy to only fuel on negative energy in all of this.

Not thinking long term. Thinking about life without ever seeing that nude model again triggers all these feelings of loss (stupip, I know, but that's how I work now). Thinking of not seeing that image today is OK and I can handle that. No loss, no big deal.

Reading success stories here is a great inspiration.

I need to start some sort of mental exercise. meditation or prayer (not religious, so not sure what distant God would answer me there). However, I need some sort of mental stimuli that is positive, not only resisting an urge and breaking down bad habits.

Not relying on willpower when the urges come, but rather take action. Cold shower, walk, make a phone call, whatever, but DOING is the tool, not thinking about not doing it.

 

[Warthog]

Next journal.
Feeling very depressed. I decided to do this only two days ago, and had been porn free about five days before that. Cannot shake the feeling that this realization simply came too late, that I am done.

Not so, my friend.  It is NEVER too late.  I'm 68, and been using porn since age 13 or so.  Nudy mags and books at first, then videotapes, and with the change to computers, free downloadable videos about ANY topic.  As you can see from my counter, I have only been doing this (successfully...thanks to this forum) for a relatively short time, and even with that very long-term exposure, I already see very positive results

Hang in there.  You are right that the only person you can "do this for" is you. 

 

[gummianka]

Thank you, Warthog

 

[gummianka]

Strange day, but soon over. Not at all the same urges as I had yesterday, and a big reason for that is my long batle yesterday so all of you that fight, don't give in and the price will be worth it. Also, I learned to counter the urges a lot better. I am really doing this by the book now.

Three cold showers today, training, reading like a man possessed about porn addiction, finnished Whack ( the book), cleaned the flat, did meditation. The meditation really helped. Never tried that before, but great stuff. Also relied on breathing exercises as soon as I felt the slightest urge. The trick is, I have been extremely vigilant, and very offensive all day. Don't wait for the urge to sneak up on you and then fight a defensive battle. Attack the moment you even suspect the urge, use your best weapons and kill it ruthlessly before it gains momentum.

Strange to go an entire day witthout a hardon. As a master fapper, that is something that usually never happens. I think that scared me at first. I fully understand people that fap after x amount of days to see if they still can function.

I have reached some sort of place where I have accepted that I have lost so much of the things I thought I had, or could have. I can soldier on because I really don't care anymore. porn would make me feel better for now, but whats the point of feeling better? I hurt 24/7 anyway, so I might as well endure this as well.

Tomorrow I will try to go to a dance class. I will also fill out other things to do during office hours, so I can make a list of "mission accomplished" at the end of tomorrow.

have a good nigh, y'all, and thanks for reading

 

[Boo]

G,

I can relate to the  depressive feelings and using PMO to temporarily feel better. I've only been doing for about 44 yrs. . Life is both wonderful and horrible all at the same time. There's an ebb and flow to both the good and the bad for most of us. I can relate to some of what you're feeling and the realization of the commitment involved to overcome this PMO thing that torments us all. Hang in there bro.

 

[gummianka]

Long night sleep, and woke up more awake than I have for a long time. In the middle of the night I actually woke up by having a rock hard erection, and this morning slight morning wood, maybe 50%.

Reflection on porn:
It seems to leave the mind the same way as it entered it, in stages, but in a reversed order. Just as I didn't start with the extreme stuff, I now loose that first. I don't think of porn, I think of women, although they are still pixels.

Reflection on my brain:
It seems as if the brain only tries the same strategy a few times. I no longer get the same kind of urges, but rather get more sneaky thoughts now, as if my addiction is trying to reason with me to watch porn. This morning I almost had a conversation with myself, and by actually engaging in it, I was able to  reason with my urge to stop it. In the same way as you can argue down a bad salesman.

Reflection on action:
Doing is probably a bigger part of recovery then I first thought. Training again was great. Reading statements out loud, doing meditation and breathing exercises has helped me so much more then just having a fight in my head. And, in all honesty, I would not have made it so far without cold showers.

Reflection on planning:
Planning ahead is probably a good thing. I arranged meetings and now a dinner party next weekend, and at the time I did it I really forced me to do it. However, having that "duty" in front of me is good and keeps me focused. It also seems as if my brain is trying to sabotage stuff that will stop porn use/the dopamine kick from that. So ignoring "feeling bad" about something and just doing it seems to be the way.

 

[HIMASHU]

HI friend im a 15 year old boy but i had survived alot from the drug of pornography when i was 09 year old i accidentally watched porn in my dad phone and that was the biggest mistake of my life that ruined my childhood and i did a 3 year hard struggle to get rid of porn addiction and with my will power i did it and now im porn free and helping others to get rid of this addiction.Plz visit the site of pink cross run by shelley lubben may be that can help u to recover and change ur mind.And dont think ur alone im always with u as ur little friend.

 

[gummianka]

Reflection: I don't care if this is dopamine talking, time spent or whatever, but porn used to be the best thing in my life. Without that, free time seems quite worthless. I suppose this is something to work on and perhaps find a substitute for, but it would be false to pretend that I now am "free" of something. I have lost something and it is an adjustment to fill that void.

This is not an excuse for relapse, this is looking at my reality and understanding it so I better can reach my goals.

 

[Leon]

Reflection: I don't care if this is dopamine talking, time spent or whatever, but porn used to be the best thing in my life. Without that, free time seems quite worthless. I suppose this is something to work on and perhaps find a substitute for, but it would be false to pretend that I now am "free" of something. I have lost something and it is an adjustment to fill that void.

This is not an excuse for relapse, this is looking at my reality and understanding it so I better can reach my goals.

It's good to be honest with your feelings, and I can completely relate. Porn/masturbation were the go-to thing for me, if only I didn't have a dang family in my way! That sounds horrible to write, but that's how I felt for a long time (before RN). I don't know when the change occurred for me, but I don't feel that way any more. Sometimes, my 'beast-brain' would wish for the world to disappear, so it could be alone to indulge- but this is easily recognized for what it is.

This is why it's so important to find what you truly love (besides porn), and focus on building the life you've always wanted, have always dreamed of, and make that your replacement for this soul-robbing behavior.

 

[gummianka]

Thanks Leon, appriciate your comments.

Yes, I think you are right. I really don't have anything in my life that I value, and I have really thought hard if i should do this reboot or simply kiss any future if any) sex good bye and just take all the down sides in porn and live that life.

However, I did choose this path and now i will walk it. I understand what you write, but I cannot relate to it. if I were to focus on my dreams, hell, I would be going back to porn and start shooting crack at the same time. What drives me, in this and in the rest of my life, is simple Stoic philosophy. Perhaps I will find some happiness in life, perhaps I will see the face of God, but until that happens, I am in the dark. However, I will be standing on my feet in that darkness, not lying on my knees.

 

[gummianka]

Goddamn rollercoster, it is like being possessed sometimes. Without thinking, I cannot honestly even remember the thoughts leading up to it, I now flicked through porn on mu phone. Didn't PMO, it seems my addiction was too greedy there. As I realized I started thinking "ah, what the hell, already wasted this day" I sort of sobered up and killed the phone. Thanks God.

How, how, how can this damn thing be so strong!

 

[gummianka]

aw, fuck it, fell off the wagon. Hell, how useless I am.

Note to self, follow the rules i put up for myself. Also, anyone, any suggestion on adecent porn blocker for an iPhone6?

 

[gummianka]

ah, found one. So, a bit more then a week in I had my first relapse.

Lessons.

1. I feel suicidal from this. The pixels are not worth that. The shame and guilt are actually worse then the withdrawel.
2. Blocked the phone as well. Remember in the future to block all assets that I start seeing a way towards porn in.
3. Always, always, always take physical action when the urge comes.
4. I failed myself now, and the gain i got was nothing. I will remember this feeling, this complete and utter feeling of despair.