Realizing I'm in hell

[gummianka]

Hope you can get a lot from this, fyg. I write to get things off my chest, but also hoping that some other people can benefit from reading this. Thanks for you comment and good luck.

Today was a success. A regime of cold showers work very well. Not when I feel the urge, but at set times, three times a day. Urges worse at work actually, then at home.

Also removing physical stuff. making it HARD!!! to access porn is fundamental. It makes it difficult to relapse, and perhaps more importantly, it makes the very, very easy to avoid the small urges, so I save energy for the more important battles. Its all about saving energy.

30 day is a very good mark for me. It is perfect in timing, and I think it is long enough that I will actually see sme effects by then. that is my mark, and nothing else is important. I will NOT replase before that, and day 31 doesn't even exist.

 

[fyg]

I am getting something from it. So, thank you.  I like to read peoples comments and others' contributions. There seems to be an emphasis on thinking things through on this forum, which is good for me.

I hear you on removing stuff... I actually had easy access to my web-blocker password today, which contributed to me 'revisiting'.  So need to change that, so next time I can't get easy access to it.

Thanks for the good luck  8)

 

[gummianka]

I found out that I need to think as if I am crazy. A "normal" action doesn't work, I need to make make "traps" for me that are really hard and takes a lot of time and effort to get by. So a simple password or filter isn't enough. If I wasn't completely dependent on my PC for work, I would store it in the attic or something. So I advice you to go overboard with your preparations to limit porn accessibility.

Reflections:
Feeling really sick from my anti smoking pills now. Still think it is a good idea to break two addictions at one go though. The harder the battle the sweeter the victory.
Yesterday was another good day. Dancing class and that felt really good. Actually, I think dancing (the kind where you hold the woman like a man, not jumping around like a monkey) is a really good way to rewire. Will start attending classes every week from now on.
I keep ranting about the cold showers, but the truly work. The trick is to do them at set times. As I wake, as I come home from work, as I go to bed, and then any time I really need to during the day as well.
Still hard to break the habit of "comfort masturbation" that happens almost without me thinking of it. However,, as I erase porn and limit that habit I think that urge will go away as well.
Already see that my thoughts are cleaner now then before. I no longer think of the more extreme porn I used to have in my mind. Although I had a relapse, I have been on this path for about a month now. I see this as evidence that although I relapsed, the work before was not worthless. Never, ever, ever give in, all resistance is worthwhile.

 

[gummianka]

Celebrate the victories!

Remember that we don't  just "manage not to PMO", we conquer the Beast every time we do that. Salute yourself, go to a mirror and look at yourself when you managed to beat an urge and remember that moment. Make the victories so sweet that you crave them again.

Sometimes darkness can show you the Light, as Disturbed sings.

 

[Boo]

I'm looking for a good streak from you here. You seem to be upbeat and positive. Let the momentum carry you and build on it. Small victories turn into big ones.

 

[gummianka]

Yes, I am actually more positive now. And I intend to use every ounce of that energy to propel me forward. It is easy to get stuck and identify with loss, and that is a sure way to, well, loose. Also, I have made some great progress. I see about a month of trial and error that has now led to a pretty good strategy to play out. Ten days ago I was in hell, completely lost, having lost everything and confused as fuck. I've still lost everything, but I know now that I can survive that loss. I am no longer lost, I know what is happening and I have a plan to sort things out.

And I am looking forward to the opportunity to feel  pain, desperation, urges, depression, desperation and beat all of those demons and prove to myself that I am a free man. What glory awaits me, what glory awaits all of us. We are about to reclaim our souls!

 

[gummianka]

rough days. Sick as hell yesteday, most likely from the smoking and anti smoking pills. Today I saw some porn, and then killed it. Close. Slept, had massive fantasies but about a real ex GF. Did O to that, but do not count that as a PMO. Bad day, but not a complete rout.

Amazes me and scared me how strong this is 

 

[Boo]

It is strong but not stronger than you. You must constantly tell yourself this. Take care of your health. You gotta get off those smokes bro. I smoked for many years but quit a long time ago. One of the best things you can do for your health. Of course you know that.

Get the rest you need and take it one day at a time. You really need to NOT look at porn. If your edging, you're making things really hard on yourself.

 

[gummianka]

You are 100% correct, boo. As you see i started up another counter, so from now on I am tracking no PMO but also complete hardmode here.

...one day at the time.

Regarding smokes, my last day should be in two days time. Doing Chantix, and that medication is also kicking my ass. Hence I was so sick yesteday.

 

[gummianka]

A bumpy ride, to say the least. Today is an important day, however. Just smoked my last smoke and starting tomorrow there will be no more of that.

Have been looking at all the things I've learned this far from all my failures and prepared a strategy for the future. Tomorrow is not the first day of my reboot, but it is the first day of a new take on it all, and with some new conditions.

 

[Leon]

Best wishes to you in the new direction you're going, gummianka. You can do this, the cigarettes as well as the other.

From time to time I think back on my own life's journey and find encouragement through the other vices I've quit, kicked the habit, or was divinely delivered. And I think- PMO will fall just like those other things did.

You can do this.

 

[gummianka]

OK, I have been learning a lot now, and now it is time to see if the strategy I have formed is any good. I have reset all my counters, and will get back here in a weeks time with a longer status report.

 

[Boo]

Hey Gum

I'm going to ask you to consider the psychological cat and mouse we play with these counters. You've reset yours. Okay. I've been where you've been many times. I used to use a "PMO" counter but would still sneak peeks and try to "game" the counter because I would not masturbate. Now you have 2 counters that you may be trying to "game".

Let me say this, I am with you bro. Sincerely. I feel the struggle. From reading your journal and other posts it appears that you've been looking and edging and ultimately PMO'ing. Here's the rub: you simply can't look at porn. Period. That's the counter you need to be accountable to (the one I and some others use.) The other counters can somehow be worked around.

The bottom line is this: looking will lead to edging, edging will lead to PMO. If you can M without porn fantasies then maybe okay. However, the chaser effect is powerful and very dangerous. Sometimes when I had sex with my wife during good streaks it created a chaser effect and led me back to PMO'ing. This is powerful brain chemistry at work. Of course you know that. I'm just saying that no matter what happens to us, slips (which are okay as long as your putting together respectable streaks) or what have you, most of the struggle is rooted in looking at porn, in all it's forms.

Eliminate porn viewing and you will get better faster, however painful it is in the short term. Porn must be viewed as a drug, which even when used in limited quantity, will eventually lead to full blown addiction. Again, and again, and again. I hope you appreciate the spirit of my post. Whatever ultimately works for you, I just wanted to keep it real in how I think about these things. We're here for you.

 

[gummianka]

You are 100% right Boo.

I am starting to fall into the trap of not using all the tools to help me, but to set up systems that I can beat. It is a trick of the brain. I need to take some time off from this and get my head clear.

 

[Boo]

Well, at least you're admitting what was evident by onserving your journal. Now what Gum? Seriously bro?

I went back and read every entry in your journal. Here's what I see at this point. You were given some great encouragement and advice, BUT, most (not all) of your entries indicated a real sense of hopelessness and "all is lost". I know what it's like to feel hopeless but it seems like your not mustering up enough early resolve, due to a lack of confidence in things that have clearly been proven to work.

If the methods employed by people here didn't work we'd see no one making progress. But, if you look around these boards and invest the time to read you will see success stories. You're a pretty young guy to be saying "all is lost". I'm an old ex-Marine so I'll give it to you straight: You're having a "pity party". We've all had them. The guest list is long. There are many guys on these forums that have not given themselves a chance to make incremental progress. That's the key here: incremental progress. I'll say it again: 7 day streak, relapse, 10 day streak, relapse, 15 day streak, relapse. etc. etc.

The streak/relapse path is not everyone's experience but it is common. Some guys quit porn and have the resolve to never go back: they are few and far between. Most of us have to have more patience, faith, confidence, and discipline. There it is! The dreaded "D" word. I would recommend you start reading journals of people who are showing success and keep posting in your own no matter how difficult it is to do so.

There's lots of living yet to do and there's lots of women yet to meet. There's also a special one for you. You need to get your confidence back bro. The only way that's going to happen is if you start to make progress and put together some successful attempts at mastering yourself. We can't want it more for you than you want it for yourself. Do you want It?

 

[gibbsy09]

Hi to everyone  i have some posts on here and a couple of threads i think i was going to start another thread but started reading this and saw the similarities i have not read all the posts on this thread but i promise i will but right now i was hoping for a quick answer this is after a long line of failed attempts to giving up porn i think i am 3weeks in i say that because i really don't know but rewind nearly three weeks woke up had a shower and stayed away from porn back to present today and tonight to be precise ywas struggling i no my triggers but i carried on anyway i put babestation tv on its a uk programme with sexy chat girls on tv wish it was never invented anyway spotted cute girl on it got her name then picked up my phone and started looking for her pics again i knew my triggers but still carried on anyway one thing lead to another and started clicking through sexy pics felt the pre cum then stopped.

I put down my phone tried to gather myself and do something else but five minuts later picked up my phone and done exactly the same and then stopped myself again this time put my phone diwn and left the house and went down to see my dad.

So my question to you guys is have i relapsed i never masterbated but i have been during the three weeks but not to porn just girls woman i have been with in the past or girls i have seen in the gym the crazy thing is part of me wants you to say yes i have so i can just go to town on myself but the other part of me wants you to say no i haven't relapsed and have the comfort to know i still have at least three weeks clean apart from the masterbation and i can still carry on but i have to tell you because i had a peak the urge to look at porn right now is hard to overcome i hope all of you don't think i am trying to hyjack this thread that is not my intention and if you do i will start a new thread but all i want is to know is have i relapsed i know i have done some damage in my efforts to stay porn free but i never went all the way any replies would most grateful thanks.

 

[Boo]

Hi to everyone  i have some posts on here and a couple of threads i think i was going to start another thread but started reading this and saw the similarities i have not read all the posts on this thread but i promise i will but right now i was hoping for a quick answer this is after a long line of failed attempts to giving up porn i think i am 3weeks in i say that because i really don't know but rewind nearly three weeks woke up had a shower and stayed away from porn back to present today and tonight to be precise ywas struggling i no my triggers but i carried on anyway i put babestation tv on its a uk programme with sexy chat girls on tv wish it was never invented anyway spotted cute girl on it got her name then picked up my phone and started looking for her pics again i knew my triggers but still carried on anyway one thing lead to another and started clicking through sexy pics felt the pre cum then stopped.

I put down my phone tried to gather myself and do something else but five minuts later picked up my phone and done exactly the same and then stopped myself again this time put my phone diwn and left the house and went down to see my dad.

So my question to you guys is have i relapsed i never masterbated but i have been during the three weeks but not to porn just girls woman i have been with in the past or girls i have seen in the gym the crazy thing is part of me wants you to say yes i have so i can just go to town on myself but the other part of me wants you to say no i haven't relapsed and have the comfort to know i still have at least three weeks clean apart from the masterbation and i can still carry on but i have to tell you because i had a peak the urge to look at porn right now is hard to overcome i hope all of you don't think i am trying to hyjack this thread that is not my intention and if you do i will start a new thread but all i want is to know is have i relapsed i know i have done some damage in my efforts to stay porn free but i never went all the way any replies would most grateful thanks.

Well, I'm waiting to hear something from gummianka since this is his journal.

Yes, you're sort of hijacking this journal. IMO, you're very close to a relapse. You're MO"ing to lustful fantasy, watching sexy girl chat and viewing pics and producing "pre-cum". Your dancing on the edge and are deluding yourself at least to a degree about the 3 weeks of "only masturbation". No offense, I'm just keeping it real for you.

You need to start your own journal and get serious bro, or else you may keep struggling. It's tough, but what you're doing usually is the road to full blown relapse. Listen to yourself...put the phone down....picked the phone up, etc. You're in a battle and you need to start arming yourself with tools and education coupled with a new commitment.  We're here for you. Start a journal and create a counter.

 

[gibbsy09]

Hi boo thanks for the reply what is a journal is it just a thread or is it something different?  First off you defo kept it real i know what you are saying about deluding myself and i suppose i am but the chat girl thing isn't like internet chat sites it is babestation it is a uk tv show that is available on freeview tv in the uk so you don't actually interact with the girls or anything its just like turning on your tv and i suppose that's  what makes it so hard because sex is everywhere in films tv programms etc the only point i was trying to make is from just today i started looking at sexy pics porn etc but untill today i manged to abstain from this and i thought i had made progress and didn't want to blow it as i said the babestation thing is just a habbit for me granted it is a bad habbit but it is a programm on tv not the internet so when i turn on my tv it is just so easy to switch to that channel and the fantasy MB was over x girlfriends but i get your point and i appoligise for the hyjacking so if you respond to this reply i garantee i will use your advice and run with it and i will not reply again on this journal and had no intention to offend you or the person who started the journal thanks.

 

[Boo]

Hi boo thanks for the reply what is a journal is it just a thread or is it something different?  First off you defo kept it real i know what you are saying about deluding myself and i suppose i am but the chat girl thing isn't like internet chat sites it is babestation it is a uk tv show that is available on freeview tv in the uk so you don't actually interact with the girls or anything its just like turning on your tv and i suppose that's  what makes it so hard because sex is everywhere in films tv programms etc the only point i was trying to make is from just today i started looking at sexy pics porn etc but untill today i manged to abstain from this and i thought i had made progress and didn't want to blow it as i said the babestation thing is just a habbit for me granted it is a bad habbit but it is a programm on tv not the internet so when i turn on my tv it is just so easy to switch to that channel and the fantasy MB was over x girlfriends but i get your point and i appoligise for the hyjacking so if you respond to this reply i garantee i will use your advice and run with it and i will not reply again on this journal and had no intention to offend you or the person who started the journal thanks.

A journal is your own thread started in the forum of your age category. It's a depository for your thoughts, insights, struggles, questions, and replies from other members who take an interest in you. It's a place for you to conduct your stream of consciousness in regards to quitting PMO.

You're right, sex is everywhere on TV and film. That's exactly why you need to guard against what you consume. Triggers can crop up from the most innocuous sources, not just from internet porn. You need to honestly assess how committed you are to stopping whatever it is you want to stop, and then figure out what your triggers are, and then get serious. Otherwise............

You didn't offend me by coming here. I'm just trying to encourage the integrity of gumm's journal. If you want  more feedback from me and others, it would be better for you to start your own journal. How about it ?

 

[Kurall_Creator]

Sounds like you're going through hell. So, keep going. Eventually, you will get out of the muck and build a life on solid ground.