Free At Last

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achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 1

Thank you so much for your encouraging words, guys! Unfortunately instead of a major update next day I failed immediately and lately couldn't turn things around due to being home too much and working home office. I felt like shit for not even making it a few days porn free, instead my porn use is on daily basis lately and I skipped tasks I had to do for work lately to go on a binge. Yesterday it happened once again and I can't wait to start again until the whole quarantine situation changes.

Today is the first day of a new life, I made it before and I can do it again. This has to stop now because all the big achievements I made during the last years are in danger if I don't react now!
 
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BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
Day 1 is an important day. I fell into a binge last week (or two if we want to count them separately). I don't say that to say that it's all no big deal, but it's true that we're all in a weird spot. I keep thinking about the saying that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety but connection. I've never been more isolated from other people at any point in my life (and hope I never am again).

Now is a time full of risks and difficulty,  but it's also a great opportunity. When things are busy, we just have to move from one thing to the next, getting stuff done without really thinking about it. Now, though, we have time to really dig deep and do some introspection and reflection. Before, we might have all been getting by, but this is a chance to really face our addictions, our lives, etc. and do real healing work. Don't shy away from that (I don't want to).

Let's tackle it together while we have the space to do it!
 
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achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 2

Technically I am already on day 3, but here's a part of the plan for the rest of this month: While I can not promise to succeed, I can promise to write here every day. If I go on days of binge again, there is no way to hide, disappear and start again - I will write here every day.

This will help me not falling back into the porn abyss. So far I had a good start and my first goal is to make it through the long weekend. Would be a great success, going step by step, day by day.
 
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achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 3

One thing I learned for sure: It does make a difference relapsing once or going on binges for days or weeks. I experience a major setback in terms of stronger cravings and it's already a struggle to make it through the first days.

I have to appreciate how much easier it becomes to say no to porn after the first month. I want to experience that freedom even though I will never be 'cured' completely.

For now it is just pushing through the tough times, I made a good start and try to keep myself busy.
 
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achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 4

Almost through the weekend, this is a huge success considering my current situation. I will focus only on today and go step by step!
 
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achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 5

Got much stuff done at home and started working out again, not being able to go to the gym shouldn't be an excuse to be completely out of shape.

As always after excessive porn use, I have to keep up with lots of things and clean my home. The results are always satisfying and I still have high motivation on advancing.

Next intermediate goal is to complete the first week!
 
faenoe

faenoe

Active Member
Hey man, only a couple more days until you're at a week! Glad to hear that you're being productive and feeling that satisfaction that comes from exerting yourself in physically healthy ways. Rock on. ;D You can do it!
 
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achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Thank you very much, faonoe!  :)

Day 6

Motivation is really high. Higher than ever before. I still have to put lots of work in overcoming cravings and advancing step by step, but it really feels like I can make it this time. And many times I lacked that belief in myself just to fail somewhere around the first month already.

Before any deeper reflections it's about stepping out of the abyss first. Tomorrow I will complete the first week on hard mode and hope to keep going.
 
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achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 9

Weekend is here and I woke up to sexual dreams, not porn dreams, which is a maybe a good sign. Cravings are increasing and I have to be very cautious. Still I feel more dedicated than ever and will leave this behind once and for all!
 
faenoe

faenoe

Active Member
That is good to hear! You are strong enough to overcome this and you will. I believe that you can do it. Your commitment to change is strong but remember that you also have this community to turn to when you need help! If you find yourself stuck in a rut you can't get out of, get on the forum. Remind yourself what you're fighting against. Read our journals. Do whatever it takes. You got this.
 
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achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 1

Everything went well until a girl (former 'friend with benefit') sent me a lingerie pic out of nowhere. She is in a relationship so that caught me totally off guard. We used to have a heavy sexting relation, but I didn't cut contact because she's in a relationship for 4 months yet. After falling back into the porn abyss for the last three days I cut contact and blocked her, also am cleaning up my 'unhealthy' contacts.

I should also admit that after a month clean I had the desire to do coke on Friday and it turned into a long binge with heavy depression afterwards. Right into the depression I received the picture.

I want to quit both, porn and cocaine. Doing coke makes me vulnerable for a porn relapse afterwards and the negative effects of both are way worse than the temporary high.

Circumstances have never been more difficult for quitting, but I need better preparation. Will sort out any sexting risk out of my contacts as that's my easiest way into relapsing.
 
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BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
Hey, man, sorry to hear you hit a rough spot. This time is messing with everyone, and I think people fighting addiction are dealing with an extra hard fight right now.

Every relapse can be a teacher. I know I'm learning from the last one I had. I hate that it happened, but I'm grateful to be learning from it. You definitely are better prepared because you have more experience and wisdom than before. As long as you're learning, your progressing.

We've got this!
 
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achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Thank you very much, Blue! So far I am on...

Day 6

...and doing really well! I've been very productive this weekend and made it through without much trouble. From now on I will write every day, even if it's just a short entry as this one. Made some changes that will hopefully help me finally leaving this addiction behind.
 
Hablablos

Hablablos

Active Member
Hello Achilles, I am glad that you are doing well, just continue even those days when they won't feel great.

achilles heel said:
Day 2

It's hard to start again and gain motivation, but I think I am prepared better this time.
Click to expand...
About motivation I discovered one quote years ago, but suits me fine even these days:
"Fuck motivation. It's a fickle and unreliable and isn't worth your time. Better to cultivate habits, than rely on motivation. Force yourself to do things. Force yourself to get out of bed and practice. Force yourself to work. Motivation is fleeting and easy to rely on because it requires no concentrated efford to get. Motivation comes to you, you don't even have to chase after it. Habits are reliable. Motivation is fleeting."

Just keep going, you are doing great. And even short entry helps!  ;)
 
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Abr20

New Member
Hablablos said:
Hello Achilles, I am glad that you are doing well, just continue even those days when they won't feel great.

achilles heel said:
Day 2

It's hard to start again and gain motivation, but I think I am prepared better this time.
Click to expand...
About motivation I discovered one quote years ago, but suits me fine even these days:
"Fuck motivation. It's a fickle and unreliable and isn't worth your time .Better to cultivate habits, than rely on motivation. Force yourself to do things. Force yourself to get out of bed and practice. Force yourself to work. Motivation is fleeting and easy to rely on because it requires no concentrated efford to get. Motivation comes to you, you don't even have to chase after it. Habits are reliable. Motivation is fleeting."

Just keep going, you are doing great. And even short entry helps!  ;)
Click to expand...

Hey! Great words.

I'm in day 19 and I can express my road in these words: "Fuck motivation. It's a fickle and unreliable and isn't worth your time".

The days I wake up motivated are rare. But I follow my routine (which is my habit).

I always feel better and can make more sensible choices for my development.

I'm holding on tight to get to see new paths. For now just one day at a time to get out of that hole.

Cheers!
 
faenoe

faenoe

Active Member
hey achilles sorry to hear about that girl. The odds are so incredibly stacked against us with porn being rampant on every social media platform and more accessible than food. I remember surrendering my streak many times to getting porn bot spammed on social media. It really sucks man. Unfortunately, I don't think that will ever change. But we can rise up stronger. Keep on going man.
 
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BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
That's almost a week! Congratulations, man!

It's true what Hablablos said about motivation. I don't usually realize it, but I usually only start wanting to do a thing when I'm in the process of doing it. It's probably not just me, but I have such a hard time starting things. Once I get started, though, it's a lot easier to keep things going.

You've got a week of good energy behind you now. Just keep at it! Posting here daily, even short stuff, is definitely one habit that will keep you going.
 
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