Boo's Journal

[Boo]

I've been here before. It's been a couple of years . Starting the journal today. The initial work is to start reading again all of the many resources available (articles, videos, journals, success stories, etc.) I'm very familiar with all of what's available in the way of education and help. Yet, I've been using still, after seeing my first porn many, many years ago. I'm going to go find a counter and set one up. Best wishes to all my brothers here in your efforts to quit and improve your lives.

FYI : I'm mid 50's, married over 20 yrs., small business owner, veteran. No kids.

 

[Boo]

Had very little "pull" (pardon the pun) today to view P. It's only a click away but it will always be so. I tried K9 but I have too many devices for that tactic to work. I need my devices to run my business so it's really just a matter of building up my tool chest with things that can help from a practical standpoint.

 

[fyg]

Hi Boo,

Welcome to the forum. I'm a newbie on here, but not to the process. I'll look forward to hopefully sharing knowledge with you and others on here.

Anyways... bit drunk... and just wanted to say Hi.

Personally for me, we all worry (in life) about protocol so much, when we should just say Hi to each other.

Peace

 

[Leon]

Welcome (back) to the Nation, boo.

Like yourself, I'm seeking to recover from a 20-plus year addiction, toward which I've not always been committed.

People change though, we can change. There's a lot of hope in starting a new campaign against this thing, and that hope can deepen your commitment and give you impetus to build new habits that will replace the old.

If you wish, I have several resources in my own journal (linked on the bottom of my quotation area). If you find anything that may be of benefit, then good.

As a side note: despite my setbacks, I've had lengthy 'streaks' of abstinence that were all done without any porn-blockers or filters. So, it's possible, and even preferable if we're to train ourselves not through avoidance, but in learning how to respond differently to our urges/triggers.

Be well, and again, welcome.

 

[Boo]

Thanks for the support and feedback Leon. Yes, managing triggers/urges is really, I think, the way to long term success. You learn to control the pull over time. When filters are present, I just become obsessed with how to "game the system", so to speak...i.e. figure out a work-around. The filter begins to torment me, if that makes any sense. I appreciate your observations.

 

[gummianka]

Best of luck Boo. Feel fre to share all you want and PM me any time you want. You have helped me immensely with your comments, and I promise I will be there for you in the same way. This is a hard battle, but that only mean that the victory will taste even sweeter.

 

[Boo]

Best of luck Boo. Feel fre to share all you want and PM me any time you want. You have helped me immensely with your comments, and I promise I will be there for you in the same way. This is a hard battle, but that only mean that the victory will taste even sweeter.

Thanks gum !  For most of us, this is really the battle of our lives. I would have never thought that something like this could lead me to hell, disguised as heaven. It is a great example of how our psychology can become so warped. Ernest Hemingway was a depressed alcoholic but IMO, a great writer. I like a quote of his: "The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places"

We can't stay broken my new friend. The only way out is through the pain of mastering our emotions and learning how to mend and "heal over".

 

[gummianka]

For me, the real horror is that I had no idea. I've been dealing with a lot of addictive things, but have always known that there was a risk involved. Alcohol is a good example. It has been a very positive part of my life, as I have always known the risks, and when I have gone overboard, I have been able to learn from it and make sure I did not repeat the errors.

With porn, I really had no heads up. It was all part of my life, no big deal, and all of a sudden I found myself, as you so correctly say, in Hell. Boom, just like that.

However, fear, desperation and sadness are now getting replaced with an ice cold, dedicated rage. That rage will carry me through this battle. And I look forward to make progress with you at my side.

 

[Boo]

Yeah gum, there's no doubt how sneaky porn can be because it seems so natural and harmless at first and can continue to feel this way for quite a long time. THEN, ED or some other problem starts to manifest (take your pick: relationship issues, selfishness, productivity issues, etc,etc.,etc.) and then you start to realize how much influence it has over daily life. As to your new mindset, if a steely cold resolve fueled by a little rage is what does it for you making progress, then nurture that to the point that you can control it. Destroy that which tries to destroy you.

 

[Leon]

Thanks for the support and feedback Leon. Yes, managing triggers/urges is really, I think, the way to long term success. You learn to control the pull over time. When filters are present, I just become obsessed with how to "game the system", so to speak...i.e. figure out a work-around. The filter begins to torment me, if that makes any sense. I appreciate your observations.

Certainly makes sense, Boo.

I know filters help a lot of guys here... But in my honest opinion and experience, porn blockers and filters tend to disempower one. It's like, "You can't be trusted around a computer, so here's software to block you're uncontrollable self from accessing God only knows what!"- and it's all the more disempowering if someone else has the password, or receives emails of sites you visit, etc... It's also a constant reminder...

 

[gummianka]

Agree leon. I think all these things should be seen as a useful tool in the early stages. I can say that right now I need every bit or artificial help I can get, but of course it is something that should be removed later on.

 

[Boo]

I'm learning about "low frustration tolerance" (LFT), which is a concept derived from cognitive behavioral therapy. I believe I've been controlled by this for many years and it has led me to seek comfort in porn, sex, drinking, and all forms of indulgence and insistence on always being "comfortable". To understand LFT as well as the common cognitive distortions, I think, will go a long way to understanding my overall worldview and how I handle my most troubling emotions.

I'm not talking about "navel-gazing". This is going to take some mental work and honesty with myself to work through this. It's really coming to grip with reality versus what I've always thought was an acceptable way to live. I hope that makes sense. 

 

[Leon]

Agree leon. I think all these things should be seen as a useful tool in the early stages. I can say that right now I need every bit or artificial help I can get, but of course it is something that should be removed later on.

Certainly, gummianka.

Perhaps necessary early on, and don't wish to deprive one of their tools at this stage. You'll know when a various method needs tweeking or refining.

Whatever works now is what's needed.

 

[Leon]

I must have had LFT for all these years, boo- and didn't know it, lol...

It's true we must learn how to tolerate doses of uncomfortable life, tolerate without trying to evade, avoid or escape [into fantasy land]. Cold showers, fasting, and other techniques are great training.

Congrats on working with CBT! That, along with mindfulness training (meditation, et. al.) continues to be invaluable to my own recovery efforts.

Blessings.

 

[Boo]

Thanks Leon. You seem to be someone to pay attention to around here. I will go through the discipline of reading your entire journal for inspiration and an understanding of your journey. You have shown interest in me and early support and I appreciate it greatly. I'm not that eloquent so my own journal may be of limited value but I will try to give something to the forum as I learn and grow through all this. I really want to remove the power porn has had over me.

I don't want to be verbose and just ramble on. I've been accused of talking too much. I just want to say what I need to say and say it well, for my own as well as others' edification. (and not curse too much in the process  )

Yes, you're right about cultivating a mindfulness practice. I've never been good at meditating, even with many attempts. I know my "monkey mind " needs it. I'll keep trying.

 

[gummianka]

I just started meditating, and it really helps me. For now I am setting a timer on 5 minutes and simple breathing. In through my nose, out through my mouth, from my balls up through my entire body. Give it a try.

 

[Boo]

Yeah, meditating takes practice and patience. It's always been hard for me to sit and not be productive, but I do understand the long term efficacy of meditating.

 

[gummianka]

I'll send over a link to a video explaining the meditation I started doing, and you can see if that feels alright for you. I have that on my PC at home, so will post it tonight.

 

[Rugger1273]

Thank you guys -  I read through the chat on this journal and it has really helped to motivate me-  I keep falling off the wagon- and I keep getting back on. 

 

[Boo]

I'll send over a link to a video explaining the meditation I started doing, and you can see if that feels alright for you. I have that on my PC at home, so will post it tonight.

Thanks. Yeah, I'm revisiting Youtube for some guided meditations to try. I know the highly skilled folks can just sit and do a completely silent meditation. I'd like to become that skilled but I know it's a progression to that level. I have a lot of ambient music that I'm going to experiment with to meditate to as well.