Boo's Journal

[Boo]

Thank you guys -  I read through the chat on this journal and it has really helped to motivate me-  I keep falling off the wagon- and I keep getting back on.

Don't quit Rugger. You must start putting together streaks. Be patient. The streaks will get longer. It's a sign of rewiring and progress EVEN if you have a slip. When you slip, you have to discount it and immediately embrace the attitudinal ways of living that enabled the streak to happen in the first place. NEVER give a slip more power than it deserves.

 

[Boo]

Will reach 7 days later today. This week has been pretty good with just a few triggers here and there. I've even limited listening to my favorite "shock jocks" because they always lace their show with a lot of ribald humor and sexual innuendo. It's worth noting that the seemingly innocuous things we encounter in everyday life can be triggers if we're not mindful; that's either true or I'm just so brainwashed  that anything and everything can have me reaching for the tissues. 

Whatever the case, small victories lead to bigger victories. I'll quote the business/life philosopher Jim Rohn's formulas for success & failure:

Formula for Success : A few simple disciplines practiced every day
Formula for Failure : A few errors in judgement repeated everyday

He goes on to ask why a person ,with even a bit of intelligence, would continue to repeatedly make errors in judgement every day. The answer is because the person doesn't think it matters. In the short term it doesn't seem to matter. After a few days or weeks of committing these errors, life still seems to be rolling along with no noticeably dire consequences. That's the subtlety of failure: in the short term it doesn't seem to matter.

I think his ideas about this translates well into our addiction to PMO. After many years of not thinking it matters, we come to the harsh realization that it does matter a great deal.

 

[gummianka]

Greatness in 40 minutes a day, was a quote I heard about learning a new skill.

 

[Leon]

Thanks Leon. You seem to be someone to pay attention to around here. I will go through the discipline of reading your entire journal for inspiration and an understanding of your journey. You have shown interest in me and early support and I appreciate it greatly. I'm not that eloquent so my own journal may be of limited value but I will try to give something to the forum as I learn and grow through all this. I really want to remove the power porn has had over me.

I don't want to be verbose and just ramble on. I've been accused of talking too much. I just want to say what I need to say and say it well, for my own as well as others' edification. (and not curse too much in the process  )

Yes, you're right about cultivating a mindfulness practice. I've never been good at meditating, even with many attempts. I know my "monkey mind " needs it. I'll keep trying.

You're welcome, Boo. It is an honor if I can be of any service in your own efforts in this process of healing. I'm glad that you would make the effort to read through my journal- like yourself, I'm always open to someone who has some success so as to learn from them. My recovery is certainly challenged from time to time, and you'll see the human frailty concerning this, but my own approach seems to yield me lengthier streaks to where I come within a very realistic hope of beating this 20-plus year addiction.

I doubt that your journal will be of limited value, as these are your thoughts no matter where you are in your own journey toward recovery. And maybe I'll see some of my own thinking, whether present or previously held views, or I'll see some area where I can lend a helping hand- you never know. I've already been encouraged by certain things you've been saying thus far.

You are certainly within reach of removing the power that porn has over you, because you will soon see that the less power we give porn, the less power it has over us. When we see porn for what it really is, we'll see what it means to us change and alter, and lose it's appeal over us.

For meditation, you may start off with small periods of time, say- 15 minutes. This can be gradually increased to 30 minutes, 45, up to an hour. Part of mindfulness in general is to accept our feelings, the good-the bad- and the ugly. The same even with our monkey mind- when you realize that you are not your thoughts, you'll learn how to separate from them even as you meditate. If they come and chatter away, you'll simply be aware of it non-judgmentally. It's in this way that they quiet down. It's when you engage, and interact that we get caught up in the 'dream' of it. If we try and chase off the thoughts, or fight with them, they only strengthen. Sounds familiar to other struggles, right? 

Looking forward to our conversations as they unfold.

 

[Boo]

Leon,

Thanks for the very thoughtful post and continued support. Yes, lengthier streaks are what I think is a winning approach for all of us. I've been guilty of throwing in the towel when I should have stuck and stayed as the saying goes. No more of that.

To your point about removing porn's power, there's no doubt to me that a lot of us here can fall prey to making porn much bigger than it actually is. We refer to it as the beast, a monster, etc.etc.etc. Is it because we've let it make us smaller? I'm not buying into that mindset any more. Porn is no respecter of persons so I'm not going to respect it. A picture is not a woman. I'm going to reject the lie. 

I will take your meditation pointers to heart. Honestly, I know most of it already but the perfecting is in the practice. I just have to become more committed to giving it a chance to work for me. Meditation in a sense takes a bit of "faith", you have to really believe in the efficacy of it. Thanks for checking in and your support. Be blessed!

 

[BlueSun]

One of the things I've been focusing on recently is from one of the videos I watched. It was a description of how the pre-frontal cortex, specifically the area where rational judgments are made gets weaker and weaker while the porn cycle gets stronger and stronger. 

So I have three or four people rooting for me and cheering me along with my progress.  Which means, each relapse has the cost of three or four "I relapsed" dialogues.  It isn't the shame or the guilt of having to tell them, that really doesn't play into it.  The part about this that is working for me is that when I'm tempted and almost get sucked in, I realize i'd have to tell them about it.  And just for a second there's a door out.  Just for a second, I have to stop and think about it, a moment of clarity where I can realize i'm about to get pulled in.  Its not very long, but its a part of the cycle that wasn't there before.  And its just long enough for me to remember to say no, whereas before I'd just say fuckit and dive in. 

 

[Branch]

Hey, Boo,

Just a thought on meditation--you don't have to be good at it to reap the benefits, you just have to keep at it.  I learned this from The Willpower Instinct, an excellent book I've gone back to after starting and abandoning it awhile back.  As gum says, 5 minutes daily can make a real difference.  My meditation practice--in a chair, back straight, eyes closed, focused on breathing--is basic but validated by research.  When my focus wanders and other thoughts intrude, which happens continually, I return my focus to my breathing.  As long as I keep doing that, my brain (frontal lobe, executive function) is increasing gray matter and benefiting.  Even during my porn use, I meditated pretty regularly b/c it helps me focus on my work.  I've rededicated myself to everyday.  It's actually kind of fun.

 

[Boo]

A relaxing but productive weekend coming to a close. I'm sure I'm flat lining a bit right now which is okay. There are sexual images everywhere you turn in our pop culture. You don't even need porn to get triggered. My own wife can be a trigger. This is a strange life we lead once we've been bitten by porn addiction.

I'm finding that I still objectify women and that's something I really have to work on. So much of how I think has been influenced by lust and covetousness. It's really shameful. But, I'm really committed to evolving into someone who is not so consumed by desires and is more capable of contentment with a more humble and generous way of being. A work in progress, indeed. I really appreciate being here more than in the past. I'm humbled by the struggle but having some folks to share it with is a blessing. My existence here is certainly a dichotomy. I wish I wasn't here but I'm glad I am.

 

[Branch]

I really appreciate being here more than in the past. I'm humbled by the struggle but having some folks to share it with is a blessing. My existence here is certainly a dichotomy. I wish I wasn't here but I'm glad I am.

Hey, Boo,

I identify with this.  I also returned to Reboot Nation recently and this time feel connected to others here.  In the past, on this and other similar websites, reading and responding to comments was a mainly chore and an inconvenience.  I didn't have the right attitude.  For whatever reason now I'm ready to engage and listen and try to help out.

Let's succeed this time!

 

[Boo]

Yes Branch, let's really give it the ole' college try. I posted in your journal because you sounded troubled yesterday. I hope things went okay for you. I'm following the advice of Feetfirst and "setting my intention" for the day which will encompass clarity of my end goal, staying in the moment, and avoiding any and all triggers.

My focused attention will be on internalizing my efforts to truly believe in, and act in accordance with, my ability to be content and peaceful without unnecessary fantasy, wishful thinking or being overly self absorbed. Basically, I'm going to quit asking myself whether I'm happy or not. The incessant self-focus leads to acting out. I just want to "BE".

 

[Chip]

I've been here before. It's been a couple of years . Starting the journal today. The initial work is to start reading again all of the many resources available (articles, videos, journals, success stories, etc.) I'm very familiar with all of what's available in the way of education and help. Yet, I've been using still, after seeing my first porn many, many years ago. I'm going to go find a counter and set one up. Best wishes to all my brothers here in your efforts to quit and improve your lives.

FYI : I'm mid 50's, married over 20 yrs., small business owner, veteran. No kids.

I can identify, I'm 45, married 21 yrs, day trader, no kids.  I've been actively trying to get away from porn since a life changing event at the end of 2003.  I've read many books, took part in a bible study website called, "Setting captives free" and I think have a pretty broad understanding and knowledge of this XYZ addiction, but never could quite kick it.  I have recently learned about this protein "Delta FosB" which answered some questions for me about why I continue to struggle.  Setting Captives free was only 45 days long, Delta FosB from my understanding can take 90 Days or more to leave the brain.  From the day I finished SCF I still felt the need for an occasional peek which would eventually lead to a full blown binge that typically for me seem to last about 4 days.  I'm not here for any ED issues, I havent really had any, but I want to be done with this, I'm tired of riding the, "Sick Cycle Carousel".  Recently something finally clicked for me and I realized the problem was I liked what I was looking at and I liked the rush it would give me and that was my problem, I needed to NOT like it, to have a heart change.  So I finally asked for that, a heart that wanted Him and to NOT want the trash anymore.  I looked up some videos on youtube from Ex-porn stars that tell what its really like behind the scenes, that its not one big happy party.  And that helped me see that looking at that junk wasn't just hurting me, or my marriage, but all those people on the screen too.  Knowing what I was doing was hurting someone else made a difference in me, finally.  For so long it seemed like I had this little secret vice that wasn't hurting anyone, but that wasn't true at all.  Check out this girls video, an ex-porn star.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ymWVWHOgDFM

 

[Boo]

Thanks Chip. I watched the video. I've seen many like it including several documentaries. There's plenty of heartbreak to go around. Shelly Lubben (ex porn star crusader) posted an evocative video which you probably have seen, a memorial to dead porn stars. Link is below if you want to watch. It's a disturbingly sad 7:20 sec. There's other similar ones but this was the first.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0q_VGacfNk

Yes, the key is falling out of love with our hand and with porn. It absolutely involves a change of heart. When the heart changes, the man changes. Just keep that computer on the day-trading sites and you'll be okay. It's impractical for me to use filters. I really don't want that anyway. BUT, whatever works, I say go for it.

There was much discussion about Delta FosB a few years ago on YBR. The jury may still be out on that science but it's something to consider and should be part of one's knowledge base.

 

[Boo]

I'm setting my intention to be very productive today. I've got some serious thinking to do about my business and personal finances and important tasks to accomplish.

Honestly, don't we all have a lot to do? And yet we let a PMO habit rob us of so much potential. That's the thing about failures in life. They are subtle. This is because in the short term it doesn't seem to matter. A few errors in judgement today doesn't cause the sky to fall. But many days, years ,and months of that and then you don't have the life you once envisioned for yourself. This is the product of addictions, bad habits, laziness, procrastination, wishful dreaming, self delusion, self absorption, narcissism, etc. etc. etc.

The reversal of fortune I'm seeking must involve good habits, productivity, time management, realistic goals and dreams, true self awareness, self honesty, charity, and service. AND, NO PORN.  Who's ready to join me?

 

[Chip]

I'm setting my intention to be very productive today. I've got some serious thinking to do about my business and personal finances and important tasks to accomplish.

Honestly, don't we all have a lot to do? And yet we let a PMO habit rob us of so much potential. That's the thing about failures in life. They are subtle. This is because in the short term it doesn't seem to matter. A few errors in judgement today doesn't cause the sky to fall. But many days, years ,and months of that and then you don't have the life you once envisioned for yourself. This is the product of addictions, bad habits, laziness, procrastination, wishful dreaming, self delusion, self absorption, narcissism, etc. etc. etc.

The reversal of fortune I'm seeking must involve good habits, productivity, time management, realistic goals and dreams, true self awareness, self honesty, charity, and service. AND, NO PORN.  Who's ready to join me?

Very wise, very poignant.  I'm inspired.  I've read somewhere that the XYZ addiction actually interferes with a lot of those positive things you mentioned.  A lot of XYZ junkies have debt issues because it makes you impulsive.  XYZ is a "Time Suck" like facebook.  XYZ is really the antithesis of what it offerrs.  XYZ promise pleasure, happiness, fulfillment and joy 24/7, but instead pain, destruction and time forever lost...  In order to successfully win we must take it seriously and press on to the victory. 

"Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;"  William Shakespeare

 

[Boo]

I'm setting my intention to be very productive today. I've got some serious thinking to do about my business and personal finances and important tasks to accomplish.

Honestly, don't we all have a lot to do? And yet we let a PMO habit rob us of so much potential. That's the thing about failures in life. They are subtle. This is because in the short term it doesn't seem to matter. A few errors in judgement today doesn't cause the sky to fall. But many days, years ,and months of that and then you don't have the life you once envisioned for yourself. This is the product of addictions, bad habits, laziness, procrastination, wishful dreaming, self delusion, self absorption, narcissism, etc. etc. etc.

The reversal of fortune I'm seeking must involve good habits, productivity, time management, realistic goals and dreams, true self awareness, self honesty, charity, and service. AND, NO PORN.  Who's ready to join me?

Very wise, very poignant.  I'm inspired.  I've read somewhere that the XYZ addiction actually interferes with a lot of those positive things you mentioned.  A lot of XYZ junkies have debt issues because it makes you impulsive.  XYZ is a "Time Suck" like facebook.  XYZ is really the antithesis of what it offerrs.  XYZ promise pleasure, happiness, fulfillment and joy 24/7, but instead pain, destruction and time forever lost...  In order to successfully win we must take it seriously and press on to the victory. 

"Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;"  William Shakespeare

Yes, you mentioned Facebook,  I was the first one I knew on it but left that nonsense a long time ago. Total narcissism and data mining. A true product geared toward our self absorbed culture. (along with Twitter, Instagram, etc. I don't use social media at all. .If you're a friend and you want to communicate with me you have to call me or email me. OLD SCHOOL RULES!  8)  )

Yes, Shakespeare's Henry V, great story, inspiring quote.

 

[Boo]

New day. I'v'e been cutting back on alcohol consumption in conjunction with this reboot, which I'm not sure helps or not. When you're used to "relaxing" with a few drinks (or more  ) and just quit, it produces a whole different set of challenges and anxiety separate from dealing with PMO addiction.

Oh well, either way it's my current path to get healthier mentally and physically. I quit smoking years ago but did start enjoying cigars in the early 2000's. I've cut way back on that as well, since the cigars and alcohol sort of always paired together for me. I'm also considering cutting back on caffeine to try to even out my energy levels and sleep a little better. I already have a sleep disorder, sleep apnea, and NOOOO, I'm not overweight. I'm 6', 190 lbs. However, my waist has been hovering in the 38-inch range. I need to get that back to 34-35 in. and I'll be content. I also exercise fairly regularly, 4-5 days a week (moderate weights, incline treadmill, occasional HIIT)

I also cut my own grass, hand wash my own cars, and help with the lawn care, grounds keeping, and maintenance at my church. Mentioning all of this has no real intention other than to sort of present myself as just a regular "joe", probably like a lot of guys here. I have self improvement goals but know I must also take things one day at a time.

MY PMO progression began by seeing girlie mags for the first time back in the 60's (age 8 or 9 ), then Super 8mm "stag" films courtesy of my older brothers at age 13. Then it progressed to VHS, hardcore mags, dial up internet, and now the fastest internet money can buy.

When I was oversees in the Marine Corps I dabbled with Japanese, Korean, and Filipino prostitutes. Prior to that I had some sexual encounters in my late teens, but really very few. Girls really liked me but I was shy and lacked confidence. After the Marines I came back home and throughout my 20's had 3 LTRs ( two of which each had a child ). Met my wife at age 29 and have been with her for 26 yrs. I cheated on one of the former girlfriends one time, that's it. That's the extent of me "acting out".

My sex drive has always been pretty high and porn has really helped settle me down. BUT, we all know where it leads. I have a really good looking wife who takes care of herself. I have no reason to look elsewhere. She's has a lot of integrity, is honest and caring. She really looks out for me.

Well, that's it for the moment. This post wasn't meant to turn into the "stream of consciousness" missive that it did. Soooo.....

Ciao! ( I learned that in Italy a couple years ago  8) )

 

[Chip]

New day. I'v'e been cutting back on alcohol consumption in conjunction with this reboot, which I'm not sure helps or not. When you're used to "relaxing" with a few drinks (or more  ) and just quit, it produces a whole different set of challenges and anxiety separate from dealing with PMO addiction.

Oh well, either way it's my current path to get healthier mentally and physically. I quit smoking years ago but did start enjoying cigars in the early 2000's. I've cut way back on that as well, since the cigars and alcohol sort of always paired together for me. I'm also considering cutting back on caffeine to try to even out my energy levels and sleep a little better. I already have a sleep disorder, sleep apnea, and NOOOO, I'm not overweight. I'm 6', 190 lbs. However, my waist has been hovering in the 38-inch range. I need to get that back to 34-35 in. and I'll be content. I also exercise fairly regularly, 4-5 days a week (moderate weights, incline treadmill, occasional HIIT)

I also cut my own grass, hand wash my own cars, and help with the lawn care, grounds keeping, and maintenance at my church. Mentioning all of this has no real intention other than to sort of present myself as just a regular "joe", probably like a lot of guys here. I have self improvement goals but know I must also take things one day at a time.

MY PMO progression began by seeing girlie mags for the first time back in the 60's (age 8 or 9 ), then Super 8mm "stag" films courtesy of my older brothers at age 13. Then it progressed to VHS, hardcore mags, dial up internet, and now the fastest internet money can buy.

When I was oversees in the Marine Corps I dabbled with Japanese, Korean, and Filipino prostitutes. Prior to that I had some sexual encounters in my late teens, but really very few. Girls really liked me but I was shy and lacked confidence. After the Marines I came back home and throughout my 20's had 3 LTRs ( two of which each had a child ). Met my wife at age 29 and have been with her for 26 yrs. I cheated on one of the former girlfriends one time, that's it. That's the extent of me "acting out".

My sex drive has always been pretty high and porn has really helped settle me down. BUT, we all know where it leads. I have a really good looking wife who takes care of herself. I have no reason to look elsewhere. She's has a lot of integrity, is honest and caring. She really looks out for me. I'll expand more on another post about our intimacy issues (maybe  ;D) I know this, I love her and she deserves better than I've given her. I'll paint a clearer picture of our lives in further posts, mainly as a way to relate to other similar guys here on the forum . I would bet my situation has a lot in common with "some" of you.

Well, that's it for the moment. This post wasn't meant to turn into the "stream of consciousness" missive that it did. Soooo.....

Ciao! ( I learned that in Italy a couple years ago  8) )

I think sometimes just saying something out loud, writing it down or just sharing it, is helpful.  I use to have a big issue with regret and frustration over where my life was, so I thought back through my life and wrote down the situations I wished I'd handled differently, then I wrote out beside them what I should have done, I even imagine myself doing the right thing.  Once I finished it, I looked it over, prayed about it, asked for forgiveness over the things where I did wrong and then burned the list.  Since then its been easier to move forward and stop looking back, I try and focus on making my now the best I can make it.

 

[Boo]

Chip,

Yeah, I guess opening up a bit is part of the journaling process. To your point, life is absolutely filled with regret and frustration for many of us. I think it's the ego at work: we simply think we're so much better than we actually are. Human beings are extremely guilty of hubris. The reality of our failing to live up to our own idealized standards is a bitter pill for most to swallow. That's why so many of us end up playing the "blame game". People just don't like to take responsibility.

One good thing about having a journal here is we can all accept responsibility for our defective ways of being and the bad decisions we've made. We're anonymous, so why not? Amidst all this anonymity there should at least be honesty and I've found that to be true for the most part. However, there are still some people here fooling themselves. Oh well, all we can do is be a sounding board for one another.

As for me, at almost two weeks I'm really not missing porn. I have a flash of a thought from time to time but I am vigilant in focusing on what porn really is. That could be an interesting question to pose to people here: What is porn? There's lots of adjectives and perceptions behind that answer.

Good for you in staying focused in the now and letting go of past mistakes and failures. We all have to suffer through some self reflection and then move on if we want to truly get better.

 

[Boo]

I've been around the boards a bit this week but not in my own journal very much. Going on vacation to a beach next week (lots of triggers! YUM ! Just kidding  8) )  This will probably mean my wife won't get much of a break of me putting "moves" on her. We'll see.

Anyway, triggers do come and go and I know the end goal is to change my psychology regarding them. I truly believe this is possible. I think it is ultimately much harder to try to eliminate all triggers from one's life ( unless you go live in a cave). My goal is to be  fully conscious of how I walk through this life and experience all the sights, sounds, etc. and know that I'm a man in control of himself and not an animal driven by baser "instincts" i.e.  I am changing from a man controlled by a carnal nature to  a man living in peace with himself. Moment by moment. Day by day.

I did have a very nice sexual encounter with my wife over the weekend, even if I did "pornify" it a bit. ( I have to work on that). I still have much to do to achieve a greater and healthier intimacy with her. It's a work in progress, to be sure.

 

[fyg]

Honestly, don't we all have a lot to do? And yet we let a PMO habit rob us of so much potential. That's the thing about failures in life. They are subtle. This is because in the short term it doesn't seem to matter. A few errors in judgement today doesn't cause the sky to fall. But many days, years ,and months of that and then you don't have the life you once envisioned for yourself. This is the product of addictions, bad habits, laziness, procrastination, wishful dreaming, self delusion, self absorption, narcissism, etc. etc. etc.

The reversal of fortune I'm seeking must involve good habits, productivity, time management, realistic goals and dreams, true self awareness, self honesty, charity, and service. AND, NO PORN.  Who's ready to join me?

I'm ready to join you Boo, I'm not ready for charity and service, I have dipped a toe in at times though, but I respect them. Last couple of days I've procrastinated heavily and missed two important deadlines... I've actually been hiding under my duvet today, and was considering using a crutch of going to get some sugar-heavy 'treats' and stuffing my face. But, no... Shower, walk, hair-cut and healthy foods to be eaten later. Cheers!!

P.S. This Your quoted post saved me from sugar binge and maybe more. Cheers again.