Boo's Journal

[Feetfirst]

Boo, great to have you here. You have been a great support to me. Thank you. FF

 

[Leon]

Anyway, triggers do come and go and I know the end goal is to change my psychology regarding them. I truly believe this is possible. I think it is ultimately much harder to try to eliminate all triggers from one's life ( unless you go live in a cave). My goal is to be  fully conscious of how I walk through this life and experience all the sights, sounds, etc. and know that I'm a man in control of himself and not an animal driven by baser "instincts" i.e.  I am changing from a man controlled by a carnal nature to  a man living in peace with himself. Moment by moment. Day by day.

Well said, Boo. It's not the triggers themselves, but how we respond (or rather, not respond) to them. Some may not agree, but the triggers or stimuli themselves will change for us over time. For example driving by a bill board doesn't affect me as it once did, or driving by a porno bookstore doesn't have the same 'pull' it once had on me.

You should be fine, keeping to that 2-second rule thing. Will keep you in mind, and have a good vacation.

 

[Boo]

Anyway, triggers do come and go and I know the end goal is to change my psychology regarding them. I truly believe this is possible. I think it is ultimately much harder to try to eliminate all triggers from one's life ( unless you go live in a cave). My goal is to be  fully conscious of how I walk through this life and experience all the sights, sounds, etc. and know that I'm a man in control of himself and not an animal driven by baser "instincts" i.e.  I am changing from a man controlled by a carnal nature to  a man living in peace with himself. Moment by moment. Day by day.

Well said, Boo. It's not the triggers themselves, but how we respond (or rather, not respond) to them. Some may not agree, but the triggers or stimuli themselves will change for us over time. For example driving by a bill board doesn't affect me as it once did, or driving by a porno bookstore doesn't have the same 'pull' it once had on me.

You should be fine, keeping to that 2-second rule thing. Will keep you in mind, and have a good vacation.

Thanks Leon. Yes, I will definitely be observing the 2-second rule at the beach. I never really "stare" because, honestly, I would never want my wife to notice that and somehow feel hurt or diminished. But, I totally understand the rule as you explain it and how it keeps images from burning into the mind and possibly fueling lustful thoughts as opposed to a quick acknowledgement of beauty. Great strategy for personal responsibility in controlling one's thoughts. Practice, practice, practice 

Leon, I also wanted to tell you that I've read through the first 3 pages of your journal. There's so much great interaction between you and others and really too many golden nuggets to try to start quoting stuff. I knew it would be that way which is why I bookmarked it in my signature. It's a valuable resource for me thus far and I want to thank you for your efforts to share. I've got a long way to go but I'm more resolved now than in the past. I'm still concerned about lapses but I'm trying to learn to take life as it comes, because it will, and I know that PMO as a coping mechanism is not the answer.

 

[Leon]

Thanks Leon. Yes, I will definitely be observing the 2-second rule at the beach. I never really "stare" because, honestly, I would never want my wife to notice that and somehow feel hurt or diminished. But, I totally understand the rule as you explain it and how it keeps images from burning into the mind and possibly fueling lustful thoughts as opposed to a quick acknowledgement of beauty. Great strategy for personal responsibility in controlling one's thoughts. Practice, practice, practice 

Leon, I also wanted to tell you that I've read through the first 3 pages of your journal. There's so much great interaction between you and others and really too many golden nuggets to try to start quoting stuff. I knew it would be that way which is why I bookmarked it in my signature. It's a valuable resource for me thus far and I want to thank you for your efforts to share. I've got a long way to go but I'm more resolved now than in the past. I'm still concerned about lapses but I'm trying to learn to take life as it comes, because it will, and I know that PMO as a coping mechanism is not the answer.

You're welcome, boo. Yes, practice makes perfect  It also teaches us that we can be in control.


Grateful that you've deemed my journal as a resource. It is both humbling as well as a sobering, in that it makes it a little more 'real' that someone else is reading this, and that my own struggles or times of weakness may be all the more visible. But that's a good thing, not that it makes me 'accountable', but rather it deepens my own sense of responsibility, that our behaviors affect others for good or bad, whether we like it or not.

Having a contingent plan for possible lapses would be a good strategy. While we never wish to 'plan' for failure, having a plan in place for a possible lapse is a good idea so as to avoid what is referred to as the abstinence violation effect (ave), studied mostly in relation to alcoholism, but relatable to how we may perceive lapses.

Bottom line on that, whether we lapsed or not- if we perceive it as a phenomenon outside of ourselves, beyond our control (whether it was due to outside or inside stimuli or circumstances), we're more likely to lapse again. But if we perceive it as something within our control, that it was a choice we made regardless of the process triggered, we're more likely not to lapse again.

 

[Chip]

Enjoy the beach, I'm envious ;D  Look forward to hearing reports on your return.

 

[bob]

Hey Boo,

Thanks for the kind words on my journal. I wanted to connect so I can keep track of your progress as well.

Haven't had time to read much but I will be thinking about you as we work to conquer this addiction.

Peace

 

[Branch]

Hey, Boo,

I really like what you said on 4/26--the part Leon quoted.  That really sums up what it's all about--peace of mind, full consciousness, thoughtful decision-making, being guided by our higher selves.  Those are things I've aspired to most of my life and I've let porn blur them and put them in the background.  Reading that paragraph, I thought this really is about much more than getting past porn.  Getting past porn is essential, but in a way that's just the start of the journey.  Or a continuation.  Anyway, very thoughtful, very insightful.  I admire your approach and your mindset.  Thanks.

 

[Boo]

Hey guys,

Thanks for your recent remarks. I've reached 30 days of no PMO today. I see many here still struggling and I've certainly had my own struggles over many attempts and reboots. It's humbling to realize the extent to which I've succumbed to my baser instincts over so many years. It's also humiliating to think that if those I've loved could have seen me in action, just what would have been their opinion of my character. I'm really talking about self respect here.

I'm hopeful that my final attempt at removing porn from my life truly began 30 days ago. Time will tell. I am feeling more confident and my self efficacy concerning my life in general is on the uptick. This is good. I still get triggered though, so the watchword is vigilance. I just spent a week at the beach, so, you can imagine what I saw. I kept directing my mind to how lovely my wife looked in her bikini. She's modest and wears "cover ups" over it a lot but I got my share of peeks. We also made love several times,  which helps my rewiring and certainly is good for our relationship. We are still very much in love. She is much more than I deserve and has always had my best interests at heart. I sometimes forget that. She does for me what porn never could and never will.

So, moving forward I'll say that I'm here to give and receive. We have to encourage each other. We all have to "raise up a new standard" for ourselves. We have to come out the other end of this journey clean. I'm not going to let myself down anymore.

 

[Leon]

Well done, Boo! And congratulations on 30 days and beyond.

Blessings.

 

[Boo]

Well done, Boo! And congratulations on 30 days and beyond.

Blessings.

Thanks Leon. You're a true Spiritual Warrior and a valued leader here.

 

[fyg]

Woot! on 30 days, Boo and great and motivating post from your holidays

Cheers!!

 

[Boo]

Thanks fyg. Reconnecting with my wife and the subsequent rewiring is a crucial part of victory, at least for me. I'll admit that if I were single it would pose a greater challenge, if only out of boredom and loneliness. It's really about seeing the truth of what my wife really means to me. That's a big part of it. It's living on a higher plane of existence that is not being ruled by my fleshly nature.

In my own awareness of my sexual nature, I guess I'm trying to recapture the "sacredness" of my union with my wife, both the physical as well as the mental aspect of our lives together....what the Bible refers to as being "equally yoked" ( If I'm remembering correctly. I'm not a scholar, to be sure). I guess this makes sense to some of you.  :-\

 

[Chip]

Thanks fyg. Reconnecting with my wife and the subsequent rewiring is a crucial part of victory, at least for me. I'll admit that if I were single it would pose a greater challenge, if only out of boredom and loneliness. It's really about seeing the truth of what my wife really means to me. That's a big part of it. It's living on a higher plane of existence that is not being ruled by my fleshly nature.

In my own awareness of my sexual nature, I guess I'm trying to recapture the "sacredness" of my union with my wife, both the physical as well as the mental aspect of our lives together....what the Bible refers to as being "equally yoked" ( If I'm remembering correctly. I'm not a scholar, to be sure). I guess this makes sense to some of you.  :-\

Congrats on the success and blessings.

 

[gummianka]

Congrats Boo. Nice to sign in and see that you're doing good!

 

[Boo]

Thanks Gum, Chip

I'm confident you guys can get on a good streak as you figure out what works for you. There are many tools, both physical and mental, to choose from. This path is very individualistic and sometimes culled from many different sources to create a hybrid that works for YOU. Just don't give up. A lapse doesn't have to turn into a relapse. 

 

[fyg]

The idea of 'union' rather than doing it 'for somebody' or having it done 'to you' makes sense to me! (another poster mentioned this the other day). Though the times I've experienced 'union' are only a small few, very small actually. Not been in love. But, nonetheless, I understand!

 

[Boo]

I haven't been in my journal much but have been trying to encourage others lately. I've been being triggered a bit and it's sometimes a worry but I've been doing the mental work necessary to reduce their powers of influence.

I want to talk about MO'ing and my personal experiences concerning that over the last month or so. I've MO'ed 3 times in 33 days. I've had sex with my wife 8 times. Prior to my reboot I was not having regular sex with my wife for some time but we were otherwise getting along very well. Needless to say, she's been happier lately with our intimacy.

I don't want to trigger anyone so I'll try to tread carefully. My wife is what many would consider a really attractive MILF. 54 yrs. old, 5'4" 110 lbs. Works out, professional job, takes good care of herself. Brown eyes that are like pools you could drown in. She has already had a full hysterectomy many yrs ago and her sex drive fluctuates based on hormones and so forth. BUT, whenever I've initiated, she's RARELY not been up for it. We've had quite a lot of sex over 26 yrs. of being together. She's never had kids so her body has not had to endure that. Okay, I digress.......

Over the years I was using porn and still having regular sex with my wife. Sooo, I thought I had the best possible scenario. But then I quit initiating with my wife regularly over the last few years and found myself becoming disinterested with my fairly hot wife. This is absurd. AND, spiritually damaging to our relationship.

Since I first wrapped my mind around this concept of porn addiction and all of the resulting problems I've had several unsuccessful reboots. During these times I've had very little sex with my wife. This has been for the last approx 2 yrs. She's bought a lot of my excuses and hasn't really made a big deal out of it. (remember, we've banked a lot of sex) Maybe she's appreciated the break    Anyway, fast forward to now.

As in the past, I've been experiencing the chaser effect after sex with her. I've MO'ed 3 times in 33 days, mostly to sensation but also to pictures of her. LET ME BE CLEAR ABOUT THE PICTURES:  You could show them to kids. I have my own bathroom and inside the cabinet door is my "mini shrine" to her. It's just a collage of pictures. She's clothed in all : one bathing suit, two in spagetti strap maxi dress, a couple in mini skirts, etc. NOTHING INDECENT. But, she is just naturally very sexy, at least to me.
She has a very alluring look about her sometimes. Maybe I'm just under a spell. ;D

So,  I've "used " these pics along with images of making love to her that are cemented in my head. I really don't want to MO but have succumbed to this extent. I'm not sure how troubled I am by this. I guess I'm sort of pornifying my wife even though all of these thoughts are strictly of us. Leon, please counsel me on this if you're reading. It seems like this is helping me rewire to my wife but MO'ing is still a relationship with my hand and I don't want that. I want my sexuality to finally transcend that, for God's sake.

So, that's where I am. No porn. No bargaining about porn. Chaser effect from sex with my wife. MOing to mostly sensation but aided in part by what I described above. Peace everyone.

 

[Branch]

Hey, Boo,

33 days! 

That you've had this addiction for so long and are so committed and making good progress is impressive.

Bravo--keep it going!

 

[bob]

Boo,

I love your honesty and openness to talk frankly about your relationship. Your post made me smile at the honest and open love you have for your wife. I will try and think about what you have said but right now I have to hit the hay. Its late.

Thanks for being here.

Peace

 

[fyg]

Just to say like the other guys. Keep going man. Respect!