dennis
Member
Day 1: Introduction
Hello everyone, my name is Dennis. I'm a 25 yr old suffering from PIED. Like many others, I grew up with P just a finger click away at any given time. It wasn't until I was 23, did I realize how devastating the effects of P were. I've regularly watched P since I was 15 or 16, making it about a full decade of P for me now. In college, I was very social and somewhat of a ladies man I guess you could say. I had no problems having sex, both as hook ups and in serious relationships. It wasn't until I graduated college and started working a full time job, did the ugly side of P begin to rear its head. The demon was awakened and demanded to be fed.
I was in a new city, working a 9-5 job, living alone in my own studio apartment. It was difficult for me to meet new people and I found myself alone often. I was very focused on my career, so I decided I wasn't going to bother dating, and instead just use P as my outlet. "It's cheaper, easier, and more satisfying" I told myself. Before long, the P wasn't enough, and I had to smoke weed in conjunction to PMO. I started realizing that it was a problem when a few times, I brought girls home and realized I couldn't perform. It was incredibly embarrassing. Instead of figuring out the real issue, I just dived deeper into P, my fantasy world. With a handful of botched sexual experiences due to PIED, I found comfort in my fantasy world. My self worth depreciated greatly.
Then I met a wonderfully caring, beautiful, intelligent woman. We dated for about a year, and throughout the whole relationship, she was always supportive. (Our sexual experiences were never good due to my PIED, so I admitted my suspicion of the problem to her). I started going to church with her and told her I was quitting. But I found myself relapsing over and over again, and hiding it from her because I knew it was hurting her. I found myself lying a lot, and feeling worse about myself. I felt like I was doing her wrong and felt I did not deserve her. So I made the mistake of breaking up with her. In retrospect, I lost a really good woman due to my own self doubt and addiction.
Fast forward two years. I am now a graduate student studying creative advertising (writing and graphic design), which means I am on my laptop for almost every waking moment. My PIED is real bad now. I find myself avoiding opportunities to sleep with women, choosing to come home and PMO every single time. This is embarrassing, but just opening Chrome Incognito gives me a rush. That's how I know it's bad. I've installed parental blocks on my laptop, but just find myself getting off to other stimulus like social media or youtube. I've been trying to quit P for the past 6 months, but the longest I've lasted was 13 days. I'm tired of hating myself for this. I consider myself an ambitious person and am relatively happy with every other aspect of my life. P addiction is the weak place in my armor, my achilles heel. But I've found it incredibly difficult to overcome. It's the opponent I can't see, but can feel breathing down my neck. It's the voice in my head that whispers to me every time I am alone. I can feel his presence with me.
I recently started seeing a new girl. She's wonderful, and I really don't want to mess this up again. We've already tried to have sex once, and of course my PIED got in the way. I told her about my problem and said that I'm working on it. She is fully supportive and I don't want to let her down. Or myself down. I don't want to repeat my own mistakes from the past. I'm 25 yrs old now and this is the part of my life when concrete habits start to take hold. I don't want this side of me ruining my chances at love or starting a family. I need to stomp it out now before it becomes a permanent fixture in my life.
I finally decided I needed help and found this forum. I'm admitting that I cannot do this alone. It's time to set pride aside. I want to be a part of this community. I wish to find help and support among brothers, and hopefully be able to return the favor as I recover.
It's time to burn away my self doubt. Remember what I'm fighting for. I want my life back.
Momentum is a cruel mistress. She is always searching for my weak spot.
I need to transform her from my enemy to my greatest ally.
Accepting the fate we are given is for people who believe in luck.
Having the courage to do this is for people who know this is a choice.
Like anything else worth accomplishing, it's going to require sweat and tears.
And sacrifice.
Today is Day 1.
The Grind.
Hello everyone, my name is Dennis. I'm a 25 yr old suffering from PIED. Like many others, I grew up with P just a finger click away at any given time. It wasn't until I was 23, did I realize how devastating the effects of P were. I've regularly watched P since I was 15 or 16, making it about a full decade of P for me now. In college, I was very social and somewhat of a ladies man I guess you could say. I had no problems having sex, both as hook ups and in serious relationships. It wasn't until I graduated college and started working a full time job, did the ugly side of P begin to rear its head. The demon was awakened and demanded to be fed.
I was in a new city, working a 9-5 job, living alone in my own studio apartment. It was difficult for me to meet new people and I found myself alone often. I was very focused on my career, so I decided I wasn't going to bother dating, and instead just use P as my outlet. "It's cheaper, easier, and more satisfying" I told myself. Before long, the P wasn't enough, and I had to smoke weed in conjunction to PMO. I started realizing that it was a problem when a few times, I brought girls home and realized I couldn't perform. It was incredibly embarrassing. Instead of figuring out the real issue, I just dived deeper into P, my fantasy world. With a handful of botched sexual experiences due to PIED, I found comfort in my fantasy world. My self worth depreciated greatly.
Then I met a wonderfully caring, beautiful, intelligent woman. We dated for about a year, and throughout the whole relationship, she was always supportive. (Our sexual experiences were never good due to my PIED, so I admitted my suspicion of the problem to her). I started going to church with her and told her I was quitting. But I found myself relapsing over and over again, and hiding it from her because I knew it was hurting her. I found myself lying a lot, and feeling worse about myself. I felt like I was doing her wrong and felt I did not deserve her. So I made the mistake of breaking up with her. In retrospect, I lost a really good woman due to my own self doubt and addiction.
Fast forward two years. I am now a graduate student studying creative advertising (writing and graphic design), which means I am on my laptop for almost every waking moment. My PIED is real bad now. I find myself avoiding opportunities to sleep with women, choosing to come home and PMO every single time. This is embarrassing, but just opening Chrome Incognito gives me a rush. That's how I know it's bad. I've installed parental blocks on my laptop, but just find myself getting off to other stimulus like social media or youtube. I've been trying to quit P for the past 6 months, but the longest I've lasted was 13 days. I'm tired of hating myself for this. I consider myself an ambitious person and am relatively happy with every other aspect of my life. P addiction is the weak place in my armor, my achilles heel. But I've found it incredibly difficult to overcome. It's the opponent I can't see, but can feel breathing down my neck. It's the voice in my head that whispers to me every time I am alone. I can feel his presence with me.
I recently started seeing a new girl. She's wonderful, and I really don't want to mess this up again. We've already tried to have sex once, and of course my PIED got in the way. I told her about my problem and said that I'm working on it. She is fully supportive and I don't want to let her down. Or myself down. I don't want to repeat my own mistakes from the past. I'm 25 yrs old now and this is the part of my life when concrete habits start to take hold. I don't want this side of me ruining my chances at love or starting a family. I need to stomp it out now before it becomes a permanent fixture in my life.
I finally decided I needed help and found this forum. I'm admitting that I cannot do this alone. It's time to set pride aside. I want to be a part of this community. I wish to find help and support among brothers, and hopefully be able to return the favor as I recover.
It's time to burn away my self doubt. Remember what I'm fighting for. I want my life back.
Momentum is a cruel mistress. She is always searching for my weak spot.
I need to transform her from my enemy to my greatest ally.
Accepting the fate we are given is for people who believe in luck.
Having the courage to do this is for people who know this is a choice.
Like anything else worth accomplishing, it's going to require sweat and tears.
And sacrifice.
Today is Day 1.
The Grind.
