Momentum Is A Cruel Mistress

[dennis]

Ughhhh I relapsed last night.

For the dumbest reason too. It didnt even make sense.

My girl and I had successful sex last night. It was great, and I was really proud of myself. But after she left my house, for some reason, I felt the urge to O again. I don't know why. In my head, I convinced myself that since I was able to have successful sex, that adding one more O wouldn't hurt. Next thing I know, I was binging.

I ruined such a good thing I had going. Danggg itttt

 

[dennis]

Day One

I felt less social and less confident all night. I know the key is not to hate yourself when you relapse, and to understand that it's okay, but it's still hard. I'm still really upset at myself. My girl and I went out with her friends to the bars to dance last night. But I just wasn't really feeling that social. I tried though. I had a couple drinks and danced for a few hours. But she could tell something was wrong, and asked me why I was down. I told her I relapsed and she was really empathetic and understanding, but it doesn't help. I still feel guilty and down about it. But, I guess there's no where to go but up from here. So I'm just gonna try my best to restart fresh.

 

[achilles heel]

But, I guess there's no where to go but up from here. So I'm just gonna try my best to restart fresh.

Right, just don't give in! Analyze your behavior and keep improving, you can make it!

 

[Faptain America]

Yeah that shit happens man. Keep up with this site though. Keep talking about what's going on. Relapses will happen but you'll notice that the time between them gets longer. That's the important part. I use an app called "habit bull" that really lets me look at the progress i've made.

Cheers,

-The Faptain

P.S- Oh, and thanks for the love about my handle! It cracks me up everytime I think about it!

 

[dennis]

This is proving to be a lot more difficult that I imagined.
The spans of time between my relapses greatly varies: 10, 1, 2, 1, 7, 1, 2

I feel a little discouraged because I was expecting progress, however slow, to be the pattern.
I am still taking cold showers every day, but it no longer has the same effects on me as it used to. However, I am no longer as brutally hard on myself when I relapse. I think I'm learning to accept that like everything, this is a process. It's going to take time. On the other hand, it is difficult to walk the line between being too hard on myself and trivializing it.

I read in a book that humans are the only animals that punish ourselves over and over again for a mistake. We do ourselves a huge injustice by this. The author said that if we make a mistake or break an agreement with ourselves, we should acknowledge and "punish" ourselves once, and then forgive ourselves and move on. That makes sense to me. I'm going to try and treat each relapse almost like an isolated incident, where I am careful not to craft this horrible self-image that I am the guy that "always relapses" and "can't actually reboot." I have to be careful with these broad, wild brush strokes because they are easier to do as opposed to dissecting the relapses into separate incidents.

 

[Hablablos]

This mentality of punishing ourselves comes from a school. We are taught that failure is not an option. This is not true and what is more important we need to unlearn this nonsense in order to have a solid life. I know that very well from personal experince. I relapsed more that 30 times since the day I discovered I am porn addict. But it's quite opposite, when you fail, that is your best chance to learn from it. Here is also a great post: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=5734.msg86535#msg86535

Next time if you fail, try to think what caused it. Were you bored, had nothing to do, or was it some image, flashback, comment about something. These little discoveries will help you a lot. Don't dwell on it, but use it as an opportunity to learn from it.

 

[dennis]

This mentality of punishing ourselves comes from a school. We are taught that failure is not an option. This is not true and what is more important we need to unlearn this nonsense in order to have a solid life. I know that very well from personal experince. I relapsed more that 30 times since the day I discovered I am porn addict. But it's quite opposite, when you fail, that is your best chance to learn from it. Here is also a great post: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=5734.msg86535#msg86535

Next time if you fail, try to think what caused it. Were you bored, had nothing to do, or was it some image, flashback, comment about something. These little discoveries will help you a lot. Don't dwell on it, but use it as an opportunity to learn from it.

Thanks for the great response, Hablablos. I appreciate it a lot. It's wonderful to hear confirmation of my thoughts, since it's so easy to doubt ourselves. It can sometimes feel like I'm insane haha.

The post you shared was really really great. I'm not religious, but I see the power of certain ways of thinking. And part of me wants to dive deeper into these kinds of thinking. Do you know if anyone here has shared certain books or recommend any kinds of philosophy? For example, I enjoyed how that post drew on Buddhism a bit, but it can be a little intimidating since I don't know where to begin.

One thing that I have found helpful is the book, The Four Agreements. I just started it, but it's wonderful so far.

 

[Coastly]

I enjoyed reading your journal - I feel like we both have some of the same responses to this addiction! I would love to tell you to not be hard on yourself for relapsing, but I believe it's important to feel some self-loathing. I heard a radio interview about addiction in which the interviewee stated that most addicts finally quit when the act of using a substance becomes more unpleasant than the pleasure it provides. I don't know if it's true, but the knowledge of how shitty I'm going to feel (lack of sleep, guilt) and how much it will hurt my wife to tell her has helped me to stay away from porn. Of course balance that with the knowledge of how good you will feel once you put together a solid streak! Good luck my friend.

 

[Hablablos]

Well with philosophies it's tough. Everyone is different and because of that we might have different philosophies. My philosophy is similar to Will Smith's if not the same. That this Godlike's power is in everyone of us and it is our choises, which decide who we will become.

But from other philosophies I adapted many thinks. I prefer this approach much about anything:

?Adapt what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own.? ? Bruce Lee

For example I read Tao Te Ting and I liked idea about balance and minimalism. From David Icke's Lion sleeps no more I liked to doubt things, be skeptic and not to take everything as granted. From Return to Love I share an opinion that we need more Love in the world, but I don't believe that Love will heal everything. But I liked description about ego. You need to find what suits you the most, what will resonate with you.

I want to read The Four Agreements and The Fifth Agreement as well, but it might take me some time before I get there. I have a few books planned before that. If you want some books I made a list in my journal, what I found very helpful for the addiction and for life in general.

Thanks for the great response, Hablablos. I appreciate it a lot. It's wonderful to hear confirmation of my thoughts, since it's so easy to doubt ourselves. It can sometimes feel like I'm insane haha.

Don't worry about insanity, I am saying I am insane all the time.

 

[Faptain America]

The spans of time between my relapses greatly varies: 10, 1, 2, 1, 7, 1, 2

This is pretty normal actually. At first it was the same for me. It's because starting back up after a relapse is the hardest time. You figure that because you don't have alot of days racked up that you can just start fresh again after a quick porn session. Looking back at my data (which you should be keeping track of) At first it would take a week or two to start racking up more than a couple of days at a time. I was relapsing 7-8 times a month. Last month I relapsed twice, and barely at that (I think it was the last day of the month). It took me two days, including the day of relapse, to get back on track.

Time will heal this if you keep at it.

Cheers,

-The Faptain

 

[Hablablos]

How are you doing?

 

[dennis]

I heard a radio interview about addiction in which the interviewee stated that most addicts finally quit when the act of using a substance becomes more unpleasant than the pleasure it provides. I don't know if it's true, but the knowledge of how shitty I'm going to feel (lack of sleep, guilt) and how much it will hurt my wife to tell her has helped me to stay away from porn.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what you said. The part where you mention how it becomes less fun or pleasant because you know what is going to happen next. That's proven to be a very powerful idea. The thought of PMO'ing isn't as appealing as it once was. Of course it's still there, but I can see a gradual decline in appeal for me. So thanks for sharing that man! I appreciated it a lot!

 

[dennis]

The spans of time between my relapses greatly varies: 10, 1, 2, 1, 7, 1, 2

This is pretty normal actually. At first it was the same for me. It's because starting back up after a relapse is the hardest time. You figure that because you don't have alot of days racked up that you can just start fresh again after a quick porn session.

That's so true! The whole "why not? I already relapsed thing" is hard to overcome. I've been keeping track of my relapses in an Excel doc, and surprisingly, instead of it making me feel bad, it's made me actually appreciate gradual progress. Because yeah, every time I relapse, there's a series of 1s and 2s, but in general, it's become easier for me to abstain for longer periods of time than I used to. There's still a long way to go, but I'm happy I made the decision to do this.

 

[dennis]

How are you doing?

Hey man!!

Thanks so much for checking in with me, seriously. I'm sorry I fell off the wagon for a little bit. Things are okay, but overall, I'm still optimistic.

Last time we chatted, I was in the middle of attempting hard mode. I don't know how you guys do it! By the 11th or 12th day, it became very difficult haha. I lasted until the 18th day. While I was disappointed, it's also the longest I've ever made it. So I'm still proud to have accomplished that. Just knowing it's possible has changed my perspective for the better. The way my relapse was triggered was so typical too (from what I read on these forums). UGH! I had a Tinder date on a Friday night and she ended up flaking and ghosting on me. So I came home feeling shitty about myself, and I knew that it was a time when I was vulnerable to PMO. I should have gone out of the house or something, but staying in ended up leading to my relapse.

It took a few days for me to get back on my feet (series of relapses). But now I'm back on my 7th day of hard mode, and this time around, it's been a breeze. Somehow 7 days flew right by me, which is unusual for me. So I'm feeling realistic, but optimistic about things. Having an Excel sheet of my record really helps me see the slower, more gradual pattern.

I watched the Will Smith video btw! It was really good, and motivated me! Thanks for sharing! I have yet to get around to reading the other suggestions, but I certainly will

 

[Hablablos]

Hi,

I'm sorry I fell off the wagon for a little bit. Things are okay, but overall, I'm still optimistic.

You don't have to be. Being obsessed with addiction isn't helful either. For these reasons I write in my journal at least once a week. I know I won't beat this addiction completely alone, but I still have to work on going out more.

I don't know how you guys do it!

Well I am focusing on becoming a better person and I use everyday to do even a small thing like reading 10 pages of a book. I don't focus on porn addiction, it's on side track.

 

[dennis]

I agree with you about trying not to be obsessed with addictions too. I feel like that gives it more power. It's sort of a balancing act for me, to be honest, haha. I guess I just give it more attention when I feel weak.

 

[dennis]

A weird thing happened last night, and I guess it's sort of an eye opener.

So there's a very attractive girl in my grad program. Last year, we went out drinking and made our way back to my place. We made out a bunch, but ended up both passing out before anything could happen. It got a little awkward after that and another opportunity never surfaced. We kinda just said hey to each other in the halls, that's about it. Last night, a bunch of us went out drinking and the two of us ended up back at her place. But nothing physical had happened at all. We acted just like friends and didn't acknowledge that we had made out before. She said I could sleep in her bed with her, and that she was going to change into pajamas first. Surprisingly, she got undressed in front of me. It wasn't like a strip show or anything, it was quick. Just to change outfits.The thing is, I didn't feel a thing. It was almost like she wasn't even there. I was staring at this really fit, attractive naked body, and I wasn't aroused at all. And I think she could sense that. I think she pulled the stunt to see if I would bite. To see if we are "just friends." And I completely sent out friend zone vibes without wanting to. I wasn't really there in the moment. So she promptly covered up, and climbed into bed and we went to sleep without anything happening. I could tell she was feeling insecure or embarrassed and disappointed. It's frustrating because I don't want to have to explain this whole PIED thing to people. It's not that I don't think she's attractive, I think P has just broken my mind.

So now I'm feeling like I indefinitely ruined any chances with her, and also feeling like P has messed up my brain even more than I thought. My question is, are you guys going on dates and stuff? Should I just stop? Like try to keep sexuality at a minimum in my life? Because everything feels broken and I don't really ever feel the excitement anymore. I just go through the motions because it feels like this is what we're supposed to be doing in our twenties. Everyone's on Tinder and dating apps. Everyone's hooking up, etc. Should we be stepping out of that world for the time being?

 

[Hablablos]

I'll tell you what I think, because I have no clue when it comes to dating and relationships. It is just my opinion.

So now I'm feeling like I indefinitely ruined any chances with her, and also feeling like P has messed up my brain even more than I thought.

Do you want something more to happen with this girl? If the answer is yes, then you would have to explain in what mess you are. After that she might have an understanding for you. But it will be uncomfortable as hell because you will show vulnerability. Time doesn't work for you right now and after this experince she might look for another guy.

And I completely sent out friend zone vibes without wanting to. I wasn't really there in the moment.

Looks like you are in flatline, it will pass.

My question is, are you guys going on dates and stuff? Should I just stop? Like try to keep sexuality at a minimum in my life?

I personally think you should try and get a girl, because when you are rewiring to a real person, it will faster your recovery. You don't have to necessary sleep with her, but there are many other things you can do together. Kissing, hugging, cuddling, all these things will help you. And by that you will also have another reason why to quit.

 

[dennis]

Do you want something more to happen with this girl? If the answer is yes, then you would have to explain in what mess you are. After that she might have an understanding for you. But it will be uncomfortable as hell because you will show vulnerability. Time doesn't work for you right now and after this experince she might look for another guy.

I don't think I would want to start a relationship with this girl, it's mostly just a physical thing.

I personally think you should try and get a girl, because when you are rewiring to a real person, it will faster your recovery. You don't have to necessary sleep with her, but there are many other things you can do together. Kissing, hugging, cuddling, all these things will help you. And by that you will also have another reason why to quit.

I agree that having a girl will make this whole reboot easier, but at the same time, I also don't want to be with someone just for that, you know? I don't want to waste her time or hurt anyone. I have to really like her and unfortunately that's not something we can totally control haha

 

[Hablablos]

I also don't want to be with someone just for that, you know? I don't want to waste her time or hurt anyone. I have to really like her and unfortunately that's not something we can totally control haha

I understand, I feel the same.