Momentum Is A Cruel Mistress

[dennis]

Recently I realized that we should be angry. We should be furious with the people who are making P. Who the eff do they think they are? A bunch of gross, old men are abusing women in order to create this addictive poison that is ruining our brains and lives. They are the equivalent to big tobacco if not worse. They are robbing us of our ability to connect with women, have intimate relationships, and love ourselves. They are stealing the best years of our lives; our twenties. AND they are profiting off of it. Like WTF. What kind of sick, twisted SOB can sleep at night knowing that they are destroying the lives of so many young people. Destroying an entire generation. P should be illegal and kids should be educated about P and the dangers when they are in school. I'm upset that the system let us down and allowed us to be taken advantage of.

SCREW THE PORN INDUSTRY.
no pun intended.

 

[CrowMagnum]

P should be illegal and kids should be educated about P and the dangers when they are in school. I'm upset that the system let us down and allowed us to be taken advantage of.

I agree with you here. 

My question is, are you guys going on dates and stuff? Should I just stop? Like try to keep sexuality at a minimum in my life? Because everything feels broken and I don't really ever feel the excitement anymore. I just go through the motions because it feels like this is what we're supposed to be doing in our twenties. Everyone's on Tinder and dating apps. Everyone's hooking up, etc. Should we be stepping out of that world for the time being?

It depends on where you're at and what you're comfortable with.  To me it sounds as though you could benefit from a reprieve.  However, over time it will be necessary to rewire to a relationship with an actual person.  This includes non sexual touch and other sorts of affection.  Personally, I did the dating route when I was in a similar situation as you.  It was horrible for a while.  It was mechanical.  Over time I slowly, SLOWLY rewired to other people.  I believe I would have been better off gritting my teeth and doing what I felt I ought to do--stay away from dating for a time.  Now I'm at a place where there can actually be affection and I have feelings, but engaging in sex and O'ing diminishes that by a considerable amount.  So in my instance here I'd like to date in order to care for someone, get to know someone, cuddle, and give and receive affection.  So, that said where do you think you're at and what is your best move?

From:

I agree that having a girl will make this whole reboot easier, but at the same time, I also don't want to be with someone just for that, you know? I don't want to waste her time or hurt anyone. I have to really like her and unfortunately that's not something we can totally control haha

it sounds as though if you met someone you had enough of an interest in you might give it a shot?  It is good to know before hand... if someone you meet strikes a chord with you and you haven't considered if you ought to date or not you might be hindered by the possibility that it might not be a good idea for you.  Either way, it helps to know. 

 

[Hablablos]

P should be illegal and kids should be educated about P and the dangers when they are in school. I'm upset that the system let us down and allowed us to be taken advantage of.

I have to disagree with you. I understand your frustration, but this would actually make it all worse. When the prohibiton took place in USA, it didn't lowered use of alcohol, quite the opposite. Same works with smoking and drugs. I know banning sounds like a good idea, but it is short term solution on a long term problem, which will always cause more damage than do good. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJUXLqNHCaI

Yes, we need to educate kids about the consenquences of excessive use of porn. Once again problem is about talking of sex at all. In western countries sex is considered as something bad and shameful. We also scare kids when topic of sex is around. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0jQz6jqQS0 When you have people like these talking about sex, it will cause a lot of damage as well.

Here is the thing, porn was always here in some form. You can find erotic pieces in Ancient Egypt, Ancient Greece, Ancient Rome, Ancient India and so on. But back then it wasn't viewed as something bad, but as a part of everyday life. That changed over time and now it's slowly taking place in our lives. But it will take time.

 

[dennis]

it sounds as though if you met someone you had enough of an interest in you might give it a shot?  It is good to know before hand... if someone you meet strikes a chord with you and you haven't considered if you ought to date or not you might be hindered by the possibility that it might not be a good idea for you.  Either way, it helps to know.

i think you're right. if i met someone of interest, i would like to try giving a relationship a go. I think i'm much more of a relationship type of person anyways. Hopefully it'll work out since it'd benefit my reboot as well.

 

[dennis]

P should be illegal and kids should be educated about P and the dangers when they are in school. I'm upset that the system let us down and allowed us to be taken advantage of.

I have to disagree with you. I understand your frustration, but this would actually make it all worse. When the prohibiton took place in USA, it didn't lowered use of alcohol, quite the opposite. Same works with smoking and drugs. I know banning sounds like a good idea, but it is short term solution on a long term problem, which will always cause more damage than do good. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJUXLqNHCaI

Yes, we need to educate kids about the consenquences of excessive use of porn. Once again problem is about talking of sex at all. In western countries sex is considered as something bad and shameful. We also scare kids when topic of sex is around. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0jQz6jqQS0 When you have people like these talking about sex, it will cause a lot of damage as well.

Here is the thing, porn was always here in some form. You can find erotic pieces in Ancient Egypt, Ancient Greece, Ancient Rome, Ancient India and so on. But back then it wasn't viewed as something bad, but as a part of everyday life. That changed over time and now it's slowly taking place in our lives. But it will take time.

Thanks for sharing the links, man. I'm a big fan of John Oliver and all his segments. I agree with you that the problem lies in the way we educate children here. I wish I had been properly educated. I still remember a police officer coming to talk to us in 5th grade once a month about the danger of cigarettes. It really made an impact on me and I have never had the desire to smoke them.

 

[dennis]

I'm disappointed to say that I relapsed yesterday. It also sucks because yesterday was my 18th day, which was my previous record. I was hoping to at least beat it. I came so close and got cocky. No pun intended.

But damn! So close.

I should have known better than to celebrate early. I should have known better than to smoke weed alone. That was a mistake. It's harder to reason with myself when I'm not sober.

Took a few hits, started watching GoPro videos on youtube, which led to surfing videos, then bikini babes, and the rest is history.

Yes I'm disappointed in myself. The only good thing is that I didn't let the chaser get me. Usually after I relapse, I continue to do it several more times over the course of the following days. But this time, immediately after I relapsed, I was fed up and refused to let the chaser catch me. I left the house and went to get groceries.

My goal now is to at least double my record. So at least 36 days. I feel like this could be a doable way to slowly start building bigger goals. Just keep doubling up each time.

 

[dennis]

Lately I've been having a peaking problem with P subs. I'll catch a glimpse of something, scroll past it, but then cave and scroll back and stare intensely. I haven't PMO'd, but it's been hard to stop peaking. I know it's all in my head. It's just for that dopamine rush. It's weird though. I'll want to peak, but once I'm looking at it, I'm not turned on in any way. I don't feel any urge to PMO. Thats how I know that so much of this just has to do with the dopamine reward system our brain has developed. It's not even directly related to our sexuality.

I know this problem was a result of years of habitual abuse built up so it'll take a long time to rewire, but man... some days it just seems so unattainable. It's really a test of patience...

 

[dennis]

It's been so much harder avoiding P subs now that it's summer. I feel like all my social media feeds are filled with bikini photos of girls I know. It's hard not to do a double take. Especially since I feel like I've been flatlining lately, I guess I somewhat miss the sensation of being aroused.

One positive thing to come of this past week was that I took a dance class. I used to be a part of a competitive hip hop dance community about 5 yrs ago back in college, but since I graduated I've just been focused on my career. I can't keep up in advanced classes anymore since I haven't practiced in ages, but I popped into a beginner's class a few days ago and it felt great. I was pretty insecure at first since it's been so long, but being able to finish the class felt great and increased my confidence a little. I know it's not exactly related to the reboot, but maybe you guys should try picking up new sports or old hobbies? It was the highlight of my week.

The lowpoint of my week was last night. I went over to a girls' house to smoke weed and hangout. There sort of a premise that we were gonna hook up I guess since we got liquor and her roommates were gone, etc. We just talked and watched youtube and stuff. Time started passing, but I kept lacking the courage to make the move. I was so in my head about this whole PIED thing that I didn't have confidence at all. I never made a move. Eventually, it was around 2am and she said she was just gonna go to bed. She brought out a blanket and made me sleep on the couch -__- damn, I messed up haha. In the grand scheme, it's whatever. I'm not letting it get to me too much. But it just sucks that this whole PIED problem is so engrained in my mind that I don't even go for it anymore. Tough times. This is gonna be long process.

 

[dennis]

I'm considering quitting all the dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, etc. Part of me is starting to realize that 1) it sucks for my confidence. and 2) i feel like it evokes the same feelings and mindset a when Im watching P. I'm basically searching for digital hot girls, just like P. Except it does more damage when they don't reciprocate messages or they flake on dates. I'm pondered this quite a few times, but the truth is, I think I'm somewhat addicted to swiping too. It's weird. But being in that 'driver seat' mentality like when I watch P, being able to "choose" women etc, does not make me feel good.

The problem is that i have a hard time meeting women organically anymore. So I dont know. Maybe I should just be alone for a while, at least during the reboot....

 

[dennis]

I successfully had sex last night!!

I went out on a date, had one or two drinks, then went back to her place. I was pretty nervous obviously, so I didn't make moves right away. But eventually I decided to just go for it, and THANK THE HEAVENS my penis decided to show up to work that day. I was able to maintain a strong erection the entire time, even when fumbling to put on the condom (which is usually when everything goes to shit). Although I came pretty fast, (less than 5 min), I'm just happy that my penis worked and that I could actually come. (In the past, I had severely delayed ejaculation). But yeah, I apologized for coming so quickly and said that I hadn't had sex in a little while. And then I made sure that she got her cake too. After she was fully satisfied, we chatted for about another hour, which was nice because I felt like I was enjoying sex again with the mindset that she was an actual person, and not just a sex object. It was fun because of the chemistry we had, not because I saw her as a piece of meat or anything.

I know my current number of days is only 18, and I still have a long way to go if I want to fully recover, but I'm very happy right now just to be reminded how it felt to have successful sex and to know that even if it doesn't happen again for a while, that it's possible. I've been trying to reboot since May, so it's been around 3 months now. Although I relapsed several times, I'm so excited to see that there is some progress and results just by cutting down the P. Now I just have to be careful and see this thing through. Not get too "cocky" and let myself slip up like I have in the past. Focus Focus Focus, don't let it slip away.

 

[achilles heel]

Thanks for your kind words and congrats on your recent success! The showing results should give you a boost of motivation and you're on a good way, keep it up!

 

[dennis]

Things are going really well right now. Been having successful sex over the past few days without any hiccups. I've also found myself spending less time on the computer, which is probably a good thing. It's also been a week since I deleted all my dating apps off my phone, and honestly, that was a fantastic decision. Seriously. My mind was so focused on women because of those apps. I don't have too much to report right now, but I just wanted to check in since it's been a few days and journaling here has proven to be a really valuable part of my recovery.

I still have social anxiety, but it's getting better I think. Last night I went to a networking happy hour at a local dive bar. I was really nervous beforehand, but I got there a little early and had a beer on my own first, which loosened me up. Then I just jumped into it and talked with people for almost 3 hours. Exhausting? Totally. But I'm glad I pushed myself to get out of my comfort zone and talk to strangers. I can't wait til the day when I don't have social anxiety anymore and am confident going anywhere.

 

[dennis]

I can still feel the effects of porn and how it has shaped my perception on what sex is supposed to be.

I've been seeing a girl for a few weeks now, and she's cool, but I dont think she's that into sex. She's never came before (in her life) and when we do it, she doesn't seem to be that into it. She says she likes it and even initiates sometimes, but when we're doing it, I can just kind of sense that she's sort of pretending to like it? I dont know, that sounds weird. Like, in the past, when I've had sex with girls, they usually moan or lose control as they're close to reaching orgasm. But with her, she doesn't make any sounds and never comes... she says she likes it though.

I can't tell if she genuinely doesn't enjoy sex but feels like she needs to pretend she likes it because society says so, or if my idea of what sex is supposed to be has been warped by porn.

 

[dennis]

I messed up two days ago. Relapsed.

Didn't see it coming because 34 days was my longest streak ever. I was having zero problems with my PIED, so I guess I just got overconfident. I decided to edge a little with some P subs, and before I knew it, I PMO'd.

I'm trying my best not to relapse in the next 72 hours. The chaser effect is strong. But I know that the starting few days always sets the tone for the rest of the cycle. Gotta start off strong. I forgot how hard it can be after a relapse. I got so used to P not being a temptation anymore. Now it's back and I'm scared to be on the computer again.

 

[RuntoSpirit]

Sounds like you have gained some insight as a result of this relapse.  May you indeed start strong in getting right back to your efforts.

 

[muhammadtaha2016]

you are right.
start strong end strong.
chaser effect will die very soon in next few hours.
just make it till 7 days, then it is easy for next 2 week before you hit twenties.

 

[dennis]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the support. Once the chaser effect died, it was easy to make it 10 days, which surprised me. Last night I got high and was on Instagram, which led me to looking at P subs of girls. I started edging, but ultimately was able to exit and force myself to go to sleep. I've never been able to do that while high before, so I consider it a testament to how dedicated this cause has become. A little proud of that, haha.

I broke up with the girl I've been seeing for the past month, which was hard. She's beautiful (out of my league lol), and I really wanted it to work out because I felt that it really helped me in this reboot. Just having a caring relationship that lets you cuddle, have physical touch, etc is so nice. But ultimately, for whatever reason, it just didn't feel right to me. I couldn't see myself in a long term relationship with her and she told me she was falling for me, which made me feel really guilty staying with her if my intentions weren't the same. So I'm back alone now, which means this will be harder, but I know I made the right decision because it wasn't fair to her.

Sometimes I wonder if it really wasn't the right fit, or if P has somehow unconsciously made me unable to have a deep relationship with a woman. Everything was fun and great until things started to get serious, and she told me she wanted to be together. Then everything just started feeling weird. I'm not afraid of commitment, I want to be in a relationship actually. I'm just questioning if my view on women is still a little skewed because of P. I guess time will tell.

 

[dennis]

It's been a week since I ended things with the girl I was seeing. It's been hard to sleep at night without her to cuddle with. I still think she's beautiful and is a fantastic person, but it just didn't feel right to me. Sometimes I wonder/worry if I'll ever be able to get another girl as beautiful as her. But I know that shouldn't be the reason to be with someone.

I've been going to the gym every day, which has been good for me. But I have zero libido. I went on a date last night just because I didn't want to be home alone. She was average looking but seemed very interested. In the past, I might have just tossed back a few drinks and slept with her, but I didn't feel an ounce of urge to sleep with her. I walked her home, said I had a good time, and gave her a hug before leaving. I think she was expecting a hookup. My mind's just not in it. I don't plan on seeing her again.

This morning I peeked at some bikini pics on instagram and within 5 minutes, I completely lost interest. I tried to get an erection by touching myself, but it just wasn't happening. Which I guess is actually a good thing. Maybe it's a sign that my brain is actually rewiring over the past few months. But I feel like I'm flatlining, and part of me is missing. There are times I feel attractive because I catch women staring at me, but then I just get really awkward. It's half a lack of interest and half social anxiety I guess. It feels weird, but I'm just trying to fill that space with exercise and hanging out with my new roommates. I know that I need to be comfortable in my own skin before I can confidently talk to women.

I started dressing a lot more sloppy and stopped putting product in my hair. I just don't want the attention on me because I don't know what to do with it.
I dunno, I feel weird.

 

[dennis]

I've been trying to go out and socialize more. Tonight I went to a big party that my grad school was having. I hung out for about 2 hours, but started to feel really out of place. I just wanted to be at home eating a pizza. I talked to a few cute girls, but I didn't have much interest. Part of me lacks confidence here because I'm Asian American. I grew up in California, where there was a lot of diversity and more girls were into Asian guys. Since moving to the South, I very much feel like an outsider. Mostly everyone I see is Caucasian and in a frat or a sorority. They only seem to be interested in one another. It's okay because I know I only have one more year here before I move to NY, but still...

I'm at home now and my roommates are all out partying. I'm glad I'm home, but part of me feels very lonely. It's like an itch I cant seem to scratch. I don't know what I need to do to make it go away. In the past, I would watch P or eat junk food. Now I'm just lying around listening to The XX. I guess I'll just have a glass of wine and call it a night.

 

[dennis]

I went on a date tonight. The girl was pretty cute looking, but wouldn't stop talking about herself. I'm a pretty good listener, so I just let her continue talking. By the end of the hour, I'd say I only got to speak for about 10 minutes. The conversation never died and it felt natural, but I was definitely put off by it. I don't know how some guys can just sleep with women so easily even if they're not interested in them much. By the end of the date, I feel like there could have been the potential to sleep with her, but I was so tired of hearing her talk about herself, that I just called her an uber and left.

I know it was my choice to end the date, but still. While I was walking home, I felt frustrated. Frustrated with dating. I thought about PMO'ing, but instead I stopped by a liquor store and got a big bag of chips. Once I got home, I ate the entire thing, which has about 800 calories. My god. Yeah, I feel pretty shitty now because I realized I just replaced one bad habit with another since I was frustrated and in a mood. I keep some free weights at home and did a couple sets, but I still feel pretty shitty/frustrated.

The girl I broke up with last week, called me to profess her love for me. It was a very difficult call to handle. There were times when I was so tempted to get back with her because I'm lonely and sad. But I know that's not a good reason to be with someone. Especially a good person who cares a lot about me. I know I should be patient in all of this, and to just keep a positive attitude, but I'm feeling pretty bleak right now. I'm starting to recognize more and more that P used to be an outlet for when I was frustrated with things in my life. I recognize that now. But I'm just struggling to find other ways to cope with the frustration.