Day 23 - a sixteenth of the way through a year. Had a dream in which I looked at porn. Woke up with a strong desire to google the images. Luckily I caught myself. But it shows that I still have the unconscious behaviour embedded within me. This is why I need to talk about my incel and sexual responses. I need to set up new stronger pathways that channel sexual desires correctly. Going to therapy tomorrow. It is the first time in six months and is just a review to see if we are going to continue. In the past I haven't really talked much about porn, my therapist didn't really see or understand the problem. Going to try and bring it up tomorrow but I don't know if this therapist will be much help. Want to start t'ai ji classes once a week. And I'm still doing my language lessons, eight so far, 73 to go.
NoFap Consciousness
- Thread starter Georgos
- Start date
Met up with a lady friend of mine today. Got home and was browsing the internet and saw a provocative advert for lipstick. I suddenly had the urge to PMO. Think it was a combination of the dream I had planting the seed and meeting my friend where there is some sexual tension. I haven't succumbed yet, but I feel uncomfortable. This is the real challenge. When I have no urges it is easy. Learning to ride through feeling uncomfortable is something I need to do. My first thought was to write on here, which is good, because in the past I never had the support of this forum. I'm hoping I'll get through the day, and the uncomfortable feeling will go by tomorrow.
Well my reboot is going strong. I'm trying to be positive although to be honest I'm feeling quite low. I'm going to start posting about my recovery from psychosis as well. I don't know if that's appropriate, but since porn is the root of my psychosis it is related. Of course the drugs I took as a teenager didn't help either 
But the extreme paranoia I get is a result of the years of secrecy and shame regarding porn. I currently don't work and spend the day drinking cups of coffee in cafes, watching the world go by, and browsing the internet. Reading other people's posts about mindlessly browsing the internet being a problem has got me thinking that I have this problem too. Indeed at my new place I don't have the internet and I've definitely noticed the difference. It is better, but the time goes sloooow. I want to start doing more productive things with my time. I have the offer of a few hours a week work coming up and that is good. I am doing my language lessons every day (ten days in a row so far) and I'm starting t'ai ji classes once a week on Monday. But with so much time I could be doing so much more. I don't want to push it though. In the past I've started doing too many things in a day and I've burnt out after about a week, then I've relapsed PMO. It is always when I'm feeling low that I start thinking about doing more things. My psychiatrist wants to put me on mood stabilizers but I'm resisting. We'll see...
But the extreme paranoia I get is a result of the years of secrecy and shame regarding porn. I currently don't work and spend the day drinking cups of coffee in cafes, watching the world go by, and browsing the internet. Reading other people's posts about mindlessly browsing the internet being a problem has got me thinking that I have this problem too. Indeed at my new place I don't have the internet and I've definitely noticed the difference. It is better, but the time goes sloooow. I want to start doing more productive things with my time. I have the offer of a few hours a week work coming up and that is good. I am doing my language lessons every day (ten days in a row so far) and I'm starting t'ai ji classes once a week on Monday. But with so much time I could be doing so much more. I don't want to push it though. In the past I've started doing too many things in a day and I've burnt out after about a week, then I've relapsed PMO. It is always when I'm feeling low that I start thinking about doing more things. My psychiatrist wants to put me on mood stabilizers but I'm resisting. We'll see...So forced myself to do my language lesson yesterday eventually and did one today as well taking me to twelve lessons in a row. There's so much I could be doing really instead of wasting time smoking, drinking coffee and surfing the web. But as I said, every time I've tried to fill up my days with activities I've burned out after a week or so and then relapsed PMO. Starting t'ai ji classes tomorrow. I've done them before as well but never managed to stick at it. This time I hope to do them for a whole year. I really think it is a good thing to count the positive things one is doing rather than the days without porn. Counting days without porn reinforces the idea that you are making a sacrifice. It is good at the beginning, but I really want to stop counting, just make sure I stay in touch on this forum.
So reboot going fine. Did my language lesson today. But I failed to go to my t'ai ji class. Doing nothing sucks, but I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything even when I put my mind to it. Apathy is one of the negative symptoms of schizophrenia. I got into this situation because of porn, or at least because of my relationship with porn, and for a while stopping looking became the sole purpose of my life. This is one of the reasons I kept failing. Because once I'd stopped, that purpose was gone, and I had nothing left in my life. I don't know why I want to do t'ai ji. I think it's good for me, it's a good thing to do, but it doesn't motivate me as a purpose. The language lessons are not much better but at least they're only fifteen minutes and I don't have to go anywhere to do them. Between apathy and trying not to have a psychotic relapse I'm completely stuck. At least my reboot is going well
I don't know if dating sites are a trigger for some people, if so, you don't need to read anymore. I've never had any success with them, but having only once had a relationship at the age of thirty three, I keep trying. The problem is my porn use has completely confused my sexual reactions. I can't tell the difference between just wanting sex and wanting a relationship. Finding someone to get into a relationship with me is hard because of my schizophrenia, another way that porn has damaged me, but it is even harder because of my confused sexual reactions. I suggested to my therapist that I needed coaching in dating, and he thought that was true, but he was worried that any dating coach I found would not be able to deal with the schizophrenic side of me as well. The dating site I'm on is definitely for people seeking relationships rather than one night stands, at least in my experience. I find that if I like a girl and think she is interested in me sexually I have a psychotic relapse, such is my paranoia about sexual behaviour. Luckily, I'm not dangerous when I relapse, just impossible to understand. I've had quite a few dates with girls I'm not interested in and they have been fine. Hopefully if I can go a year without porn I will be much better. If I can go a year without psychosis that would be best.
T
TheNewMe
Guest
Hi brother,
Maybe you should take some time to just focus on your recovery? Being single when you try to recovery from a porn addiction can be a blessing in disguise. You can devote all your time and energy into your recovery and really find out who you are without porn. Also, a lot of people, myself included, seems to gain confidence around women as soon as they get their addiction under control, along with a number of other really positive effects. All I'm saying is, don't rush into anything.
Just a thought
Maybe you should take some time to just focus on your recovery? Being single when you try to recovery from a porn addiction can be a blessing in disguise. You can devote all your time and energy into your recovery and really find out who you are without porn. Also, a lot of people, myself included, seems to gain confidence around women as soon as they get their addiction under control, along with a number of other really positive effects. All I'm saying is, don't rush into anything.
Just a thought
I don't think a relationship would be a bad thing for you, Georgos. If we had to wait until we were fixed, or ready, we might never do anything again! But, I think your concerns are valid. Being schizophrenic is not a small thing - but some people can cope with it. And you must ensure that you have it under good control and that you aren't a danger to anybody else. If you think you are stable enough not to hurt somebody, I think it would be ok for you to do some dating. But I think you should be upfront about your condition in your dating profile. Sure, it will reduce the interest people have in your profile dramatically - most people don't understand schizophrenia. But you don't want those people anyway. You want somebody who understands you, so if somebody gives you a chance and knows about your condition, you know it has potential. Only you can judge whether your P use is bad enough that you should be staying away from women. But it sounds to me like it might be a good step for you. I get the feeling from you that it's about more than just sex. I think you do want a companion. I hope you can feel that happiness.
Regards,
M.
Regards,
M.
Thank you guys for all your advice. I'm on day 28 today so four weeks. I don't actively use the dating site, I very rarely search or initiate contacts, instead I wait for someone to contact me and then respond. I do however periodically update my profile which pushes me to the front of the queue again. I recently did that and now I'm talking to a girl online and it's ok. No psychosis, probably because I don't think we're a good match, although she is very pretty. We'll probably go for coffee and that'll be it. I kind of think that akpal2 and thenewme have the best idea of giving it a rest until I'm well and truly established in my reboot, maybe six months. I always react the same way to a little progress by trying to do more and more until I burn out. So, for example, after a couple of weeks of the reboot I updated my dating profile. Best to solidify any progress first before building on it. I want to stress that I'm not dangerous when I am psychotic. It's a common misconception that schizophrenics are likely to be dangerous. In fact they are more likely to come to harm than other groups of people. Having said that, the last thing a girl wants to deal with on a date is someone suffering from paranoid schizophrenia. I am up front about it. I have put my condition on my profile in the past, and still got interest, but I got tired of the conversation in dates always going the same way, so I took it down. I don't try and hide it though, and tell everyone when it's appropriate. It's a difficult one, if I put it up then in a way it comes to define me, and I want to be more than my condition. Still as I said, I think the best thing is to give the dating a rest for the time being. 28 days is quite good. Over the last few years, usually when I do good I do about a month, sometimes, though less often, two, so I haven't really proved anything yet. However, this time feels really good because I'm actively talking about it to a non-judgemental community, rather than it just being something I'm doing on my own and a secret. This forum really is a godsend. Thanks again guys, and good luck everyone. Thank you.
Hi Georgos, just to be clear, I didn't mean to imply that you were a violent danger to anyone. I meant danger in the sense of upsetting somebody - which can certainly happen. My grandmother and a couple of friends of mine have schizophrenia, so I'm very familiar with it. It's not who you are, I realise that. It's something you have to manage in your life. I have to manage diabetes. Most of us have something.
Anyway, I just wanted to encourage you to not wait forever to find a nice girl. But of course only you can judge when you are ready.
Best regards,
M.
Anyway, I just wanted to encourage you to not wait forever to find a nice girl. But of course only you can judge when you are ready.
Best regards,
M.
Thank you malando, yes you're right, upsetting people is a problem when I'm ill and upsetting girls is not nice! I've been pretty sane for the last month which is good, just have to try and keep it up. The reboot is going fine, but one bad thing I've noticed is I've started ogling every attractive girl that passes me. This doesn't give me any urges to PMO but it is a kind of P substitute, besides being a bit rude, and it's got to stop. Actually, in the past, when I've tried to reboot, I haven't noticed this behaviour to the same degree. I think this time it's because I'm so focused on this forum to remind me why I want to stop, and so the subject is in my mind much more. Being focused on the forum gives me a kind of purpose, and one I can share, so it is good, but ideally I'd like not to have any thoughts related to P, just put the whole business in my past and leave it behind. However, it's still far too early for that. I think I need at least a year. Am still doing my language lessons, fifteen so far, with sixty-six to go.
So, having replied to the girl on the dating site trying to put her off, she replied that it could be nice to go for coffee. So I wrote back, again thinking that I'd put her off. Now I caught myself with the beginnings of obsessing about whether she will reply or not. I just read Willliam's thread that Akpal2 mentioned. I understand fully the difference between knowing you are an addict and wanting to control your porn use and knowing that you must never use it again, finito. I fully want porn out of my life for good. However, the reason I keep talking about transcending the addiction is because I view it as a faulty set of pathways, not just an overused set. According to the website www.sexualreboot.com that I mentioned, 46% of guys on this forum are virgins. Most of the guys I've encountered so far seem to have wives or girlfriends, which doesn't tally, but then, again according to www.sexualreboot.com, most of the guys on the forum also fall into the 20-29 year old category. The fact that 46% of the forumers are virgins tells me that porn literally wires guys up the wrong way for sex, and this is something that I need to deal with as well. Of course it could be that these guys, and me, are already wired up the wrong way for sex and that's why they have a problem with porn, I don't know. At any rate, incel is something that I have to deal with and I'd love to get feedback from anyone else who has a similar problem with getting a girlfriend. With regards to the girl on the dating site, I take rejection as a sign that I've done something wrong, and my biggest fear is doing something wrong. This fear comes from the porn use which I view as "wrong" sexual behaviour. This fear leads me to become obsessive and ultimately psychotic. I think the akpal2 and thenewme are right that I should give the dating a rest until at least six months down the line, however I also think that my recovery needs more than just stopping but actually building new positive pathways that can help me have a healthy sexual relationship with someone. Thank you.
Reboot is going fine. I really want to start to deal with my healing and recovery as well, particularly with regards to getting a girlfriend. As others have said, it's perhaps too early to actually try to find a girlfriend, but I want to start to address the issues that I have regarding this. Porn being my only sexual activity for most of my life by and large means that I've built up pathways that say if you want sexual release you can have it instantaneously. As a result, I don't know how to flirt, and I have no idea how flirting moves towards sexual intercourse. With porn you just have to click to get a sexual response. Further it is impersonal and unambiguous. Nor is there any pressure to give anything or to know what to give. I am terrified of saying the wrong thing in flirting. I'd much rather a girl just said "let's have sex", but that only happens in porn. As a result of my fear, I end up trying to keep the conversation as asexual as possible. I have no idea how to go about learning to flirt. I'm scared I will be judged as a pervert. The truth is when I go on dates or chat to girls on the dating website, I end up sabotaging everything out of this fear, often making it much worse than if I simply was up front about my sexual desires. In trying to avoid being sexual I end up being creepy. I am not comfortable with my sexual desires. They are not weird, I'm not into anything kinky, but the pathways in my brain associate sexual desires with looking at porn. Essentially, as I said, I want the girl to ask me to have sex, which is what happened the only two times I actually had sex. I don't want to risk anything myself in exposing myself to rejection or my real fear, being called a pervert. Indeed rejection is not a problem, it's the fear of judgement that's the problem. Anyway, as I said, I have no idea how to go about turning this around, any advice is welcome. Thank you.
So I've done a month and I'm not sure how to proceed. I'm kind of bored of the process. No urges. But there's more to life than porn and going over and over talking about it has lost its initial feeling of positivity. I could stop posting for a bit, but I'm worried that if I do that I won't be prepared if an urge strikes. Staying connected to the forum seems important to me as I've managed the odd month many times before but never succeeded in finally leaving porn in my past. The problem is partly psychological. The question that I ask myself is, when am I cured? When is this process complete? This is completely the wrong question to ask. The process was finished the second I chose not to look at porn ever again. So why am I still here?
You're here because you aren't convinced that you are cured. And you'd be right. Everything I've learned about the subject says it takes a lot longer than a month to be cured. But you're right - there has to be more to your life than quitting porn. You need to get out and do things that are fulfilling to you. Enrich your life if it feels empty. Pursue your hobbies, find new interests. Work for a charity. Help some people. Exercise more, take up a sport.Georgos said:
You don't need to hang out here for 12 hours a day to quit porn. You need to just stay away from porn and focus on the improving the rest of your life.
But stop in regularly. It is important.
Best, M.
Thanks guys, the thing I think we all struggle with is there really is no way to prove you're cured, only a way to prove you're not, by relapsing. Life is better without porn, but better is relative and after a while we forget what is was like while we were using and become dissatisfied with what we have, at least that's my experience. Learning not to be dissatisfied with life is a journey in itself. I had some mild psychosis just now. I had just replied to a girl who wanted to know more about my mental illness. I tried to be as honest as I could whilst not sounding alarmist. Afterwards, at a caf? I caught the conversation of two girls. They were talking about an "awkward situation", about a boy one of the girls knew, how she didn't want to meet him and "something kick off", how he "seemed really nice", but there was this "awkward situation", how she "didn't want to appear rude". I, of course, in my condition, related all of this to my recent reply as if I was getting feedback from the universe of what was happening. It stems from anxiety and is a form of paranoia that weed smokers can perhaps relate to. I can't quite remember the full conversation and didn't catch all of it anyway. Indeed some of it clearly didn't relate to my situation, but my mental filter focused on those bits that "coincidentally" fuelled my paranoia. At some stages the girl was edging towards meeting this guy and at others she was edging away. I became terrified to leave when she was edging away, but finally got up after finishing my coffee and went home. On the way back I thought about the need for stillness in such situations, to not dwell on the "feedback" I was getting, and wondered to myself why I thought it was related to me anyway. These synchronicities are very common in my life, where what I'm thinking about internally manifests itself in the external. Yet it is all open to interpretation I guess. I resolved on the way home that I needed to put my psychosis behind me and not to think about the overheard conversation or the girl I'd written to anymore. Feeling ok now. Reboot still going strong. I know I said it is probably too early to start trying to date, but as Malando pointed out, a relationship would be good for me and it would be silly to miss a genuine opportunity out of fear. I'm hoping I can stay sane with the aid of this forum as well, though that might be too much to ask. Thank you.