NoFap Consciousness

[Georgos]

Thank you pinkerton. Day 60 today. I am managing to do my two language courses and ten minutes of t'ai ji every day, however I really need to do them at a set time each day in order to have structure. I notice that when I manage this I feel a lot better than days that I just let the time slip and have the tasks hanging over me all day. I think I'm going to record the days that I stick to the structured time I've set myself and those that I don't, which hopefully won't be that often. I've also decided to keep an (offline) gratitude journal once a week on Saturday. All of this may seem off topic but it is part of the recovery and there is a serious point in not obsessing over the subject of porn. I would encourage others to talk about the positive things they're doing in their life as a counterpoint to the porn related problems. Don't worry if you think nobody else will be interested the journals are primarily for ourselves and it helps with the counting and recovery to focus on the positive things you do each day. Thank you.

 

[Georgos]

So two months in with only minor urges occasionally, I really think this time I've stopped looking at P for good. I'm not getting complacent though. The end of a month is always a time when the old addiction can strike again because it feels like I've completed something. This is not about completing a set amount of days. This is it. It is over. Managed to stick to my allotted times for doing my language courses and t'ai ji today. Slowly I'm going to add some more activities into the day. Thank you.

 

[pinkerton]

Congrats on two months. And thanks for the reminder on gratitude. I have been leaving that out.

 

[Georgos]

Thank you again pinkerton, it's good to know someone is reading my journal I'm on day 65 now. Been getting up late and that's been messing with my scheduling of activities. Also been rushing ahead a bit in my mind which usually has the effect of demotivating me. Slow steady progress is the way forward, but I always want things immediately without any effort. I read someone else's journal commenting that one should be wary of blaming everything on porn, but I do think the years of instant gratification have trained me to either expect something immediately without effort or give up. I'm smoking less which is good but still not ready to quit. One step at a time. Onward.

 

[Georgos]

Day 67. Don't know if this is what is called "brain fog", I've just felt totally disengaged today. Only done one of my language lessons so far and no t'ai ji and in a couple of hours it will be time for bed I'll get it done, but this is really no good, should be doing everything by midday, especially as I want to add some more activities into the day. I've thought about M briefly a few times over the last couple of days, but not really about P. No real urges though, just passing thoughts. Overall I'm happy with how I'm doing. Thank you.

 

[Georgos]

Coming to the end of day 73. A couple of days ago I had some psychotic symptoms again, and today I am also feeling vulnerable. My therapist thinks that I turn to psychosis when my real life becomes boring, not consciously, but unconsciously as a form of escape. Certainly the "brain fog" I mentioned in my last post continued, and I just felt more and more fatigued with the whole reboot process, no desire to return to porn, but I lost my focus on seeing each day as a victory. I let my routine slip. I still managed to do everything that I wanted to do in the day, but I was leaving it all to the last minute just before I went to bed. Today I still have to do my second language lesson and t'ai ji practice and I only have an hour left before I go to sleep. I have been doing so well. Almost two and a half months of sanity, no porn, and doing something productive every day, however little. I really don't want to go crazy again. One good thing is that I have stopped smoking first thing in the morning, so I'm still making progress. Let's hope these symptoms don't develop into a full relapse.

 

[pinkerton]

Hey georgos, hope you're still going strong. I tend to act out in all kinds of ways when real life gets too boring. Or, i used to. I'm a lot better now. Best to find healthy excitement whenever we can.

 

[Georgos]

Thank you for the concern pinkerton, my reboot is still going strong. The good news is that my psychosis has not re-surfaced. However I have been having bouts of existential crisis, thinking that there is no meaning in my life and that the things that used to mean something to me no longer do. Today has been better. It is day 77 so 11 weeks and over half my record. I wish you all the best too. You can do it! Thank you.

 

[Georgos]

Day 78. I'm doing everything I set out to do, I should be feeling great, but I don't. How you deal with lows is important, the good thing is I'm not even thinking of turning to porn. Slowly, slowly, I'll get there. Thank you.

 

[malando]

Nice job, Georgos - especially with your low mood at the moment. Stay strong and listen to any ideas your brain is giving you about what is missing in your life. Then follow the path to getting that into your life. Life is about finding more satisfaction, happiness and contentment - not just quitting P. I hope you are looking at ways to increase these things? You probably are - I don't mean to treat you like an idiot. Just a friendly reminder and encouragement to keep seeking what will make you happier and more complete. Best of luck, M.

 

[Georgos]

Thank you malando for your kind words. I realise now after googling the term, that I am experiencing what is known as flatline. It's been going on for a couple of weeks now. Not that bothered about the sexual aspects, although last night I found I could barely engage with a girl who was interested in me, it's more the emotional aspects. Indeed that was the real problem. I had no interest and felt emotionally drained. In fact that's pretty much how I've been feeling these last couple of weeks as a whole. I just don't have any enthusiasm for anything. Don't know what to do about this really. I'm happy with my reboot, it seems like I've really turned the page on my old addiction. In the past, as a chronic relapser, I would relapse, get the shot of dopamine, and then find new determination to better myself and engage with life, of course I never did because I would fail, relapse again and then start again from square one. As you say, life is not just quitting P, but that was my life for so many years. I want to introduce new activities into my life, but none of them give me the shots of dopamine that P gave. I guess that's what I'm really lacking. But it is strange because I'm not actively pursuing sex either, the whole thought of engaging intimately with someone fills me with exhaustion. As I said in a previous post, P creates pathways of instant gratification, instant dopamine hits, real relationships require work, and I totally lack the skills for engaging with them, at least sexually. I have a second date coming up. I didn't think the first one went well, but she seems happy to see me again. She seems to actually want a nice guy, who's polite and listens, most girls do really, but I'm still worried about providing excitement. With such low energy at the moment, excitement is not something I can provide. I'll be happy if she just stays interested in me. Once you realise that a large part of sex is just release of dopamine it looses it's attraction. I think the real reason for this with us addicts is that we've worn out our dopamine pathways through over use. There's nothing wrong with dopamine in a balanced healthy life. Indeed it has beneficial effects. The problem is how we have programmed ourselves to get it and abused the delivery system. So anyway, I've hit day 80. I know I'm never going back. Just have to work out how to go forward that's all. Thank you.

 

[Georgos]

Day 83. Been feeling better the last couple of days. I've added in five minutes Zhan Zhuang (standing stake meditation) to my routine in the morning and that seems to be going well. I've almost finished the first of my language courses, twelve days to go, and I'm still doing the other language course which I should finish in a couple of months. Doing T'ai Ji every day for ten minutes as well. Finally I'm trying to get my smoking under control (note the classic mistake of trying to control an addiction, I'm clearly not ready to give it up). My aim is to not smoke before 12:00pm every day. I managed it yesterday, but totally failed today. The trigger is usually a disturbing dream just before I wake up. Anyway, this journal is primarily about addiction to P, and that is totally over for me. I am so grateful to this site for providing me with the final push to say goodbye to P forever. Thank you.

 

[Georgos]

Ok so maybe I got a bit too cocky... just been hit by an urge to relapse. I was sitting outside my favourite coffee shop watching the world go by when I suddenly thought "I could do it again", then the old feelings returned. I'm trying to just observe the feeling in a mindful sort of way and wait for it to pass. Observing is actually much more difficult then most people think, the trick is to observe without judgement as any sort of thought about the feeling, good or bad, makes it stronger. Thank you.

 

[Georgos]

So I didn't relapse, although it was pretty scary, but after writing here the urge simply went away. So I'm still on target, 84 days so far. Totally failed to not smoke before 12:00pm this morning, in fact smoked as soon as I woke up due to disturbing dreams again. I don't really want to post when I fail at something, it creates a cycle of attention seeking that reinforces the failure, and I want to stay positive. However it is good to be honest, with others as well as oneself. I'm not sure which is harder to quit, P or smoking. I seem to have quit P now, though yesterday's urge is a strong reminder that I shouldn't get complacent. For years I've been pretty much engaged in controlling my P addiction, it always felt like failure, because I would always go back to it, and it was a constant effort, but in reality, I was really controlling it, albeit as a chronic relapser. I've never managed to control my smoking for more than a few hours. So in this sense it seems I find smoking a harder drug to quit. Also, with P, I had so many negative emotions and thoughts about the behaviour that I really felt I'd hit rock bottom and there was no other option other than to quit, though actually quitting took finding this site to manifest itself, at least so far. With cigarettes, I really don't feel that bad about smoking, I'm vaguely aware that I could save money, that I have a smoker's cough, and that it is an artificial dopamine stimulator, but other than that I'm not that bothered. Sometimes I even still think it's cool. Obviously I don't want to hit rock bottom with cigarettes before I quit, that would mean having a stroke or getting cancer or something. I'm going to try and go for a streak of not smoking before 12:00pm every day. In the last month I managed 11 days of not smoking for between half an hour and an hour after waking up. Then after one days failure I managed to get all the way until 12:00pm without a cigarette and thought I could do a streak of that. Perhaps it would be best to revert back to the previous aim and see if I can do a longer streak, longer than 11 days. We'll see what happens tomorrow morning. At any rate I will record it here. Documenting my attempts to quit smoking here probably won't be as successful as documenting quitting P, because it's not what people are here for, but I'm sure everyone is supportive. Perhaps there is a stop smoking forum I could join. I'll google it. Thank you.

 

[Georgos]

Day 86. Yesterday I managed not to smoke until 12:00pm so a success! Today I had disturbing dreams again and smoked first thing in the morning. I'm going to join a stop-smoking forum and see if that will help. There are several on the web. I think because of my condition, dreams have a bigger effect on me. They open me up and I usually wake suddenly in the middle of them and am left still open afterwards. I have a period of living in both worlds, the dream world and the waking world, and I feel all sorts of mental sensations. Smoking usually helps to smooth the transition, however, today, even that didn't work, and I just ended up feeling bad, one because of the dream and two because I ruined my attempt not to smoke before 12:00pm again. I'm approaching 90 days no P and no M (Hard Mode), so things are pretty good otherwise. I'm managing to do all the activities I've set out to do every day. I found a forum for Love Shy. I said before I have Incel, but reading that forum I realised I there is a difference between Love Shy and Incel, and I definitely have the former. Other than that the forum was a real let down, just a lot of people wallowing in their problems with no direction. Hopefully the stop-smoking forums will be better. This forum is definitely what I need, everyone is so focused and it really helps to take you in the right direction. Good luck everyone. Thank you.

 

[Georgos]

Day 89. Yesterday I had a couple of quite strong urges, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. I found myself thinking about the P I used to look at and my brain started playing the trick of rationalization, saying "one peek won't hurt, it's not that bad, you don't need to be so fundamentalist about everything", but then I thought of going back to day one again for the thousandth time. I resolved to simply observe the thoughts and feelings and let them pass which they did. So I am succeeding! Smoking is another matter. The stop-smoking forums on the web are not really designed for what I have in mind which is maintaining a daily routine of not smoking before 12:00pm. They don't have journals and are all geared for people who actually stop for several days. In my current state of mind, I know that is next to impossible, though I do eventually intend to try it. Anyway, the last few days I've caved completely, smoking first thing, basically binging on the premise that I simply can't stop and it's stupid and tiring to try and control it. As I've said in previous posts, because of my P use over the years, or perhaps my personality to begin with, I've programmed myself to seek instant gratification, and stopping smoking always seems like too much effort for too little reward. I really need to learn to put effort and hard work into achieving things. I expect things to just come to me and don't see the point in doing anything whose effort is unenjoyable in the beginning. Rewards all seem meaningless or unattainable and my life is comfortable enough for me to just coast, that is when I'm not suffering from psychosis. Making this change is going to be hard. In many ways I'm already doing fantastically, almost 90 days no P or M and next to no psychosis, plus doing a few bits of study every day, is a big improvement on how I was living before. My thanks to Gabe for setting up this website, I know I wouldn't have been able to achieve this much without it. Thank you.

 

[Georgos]

Well I hit 90 days (today is day 92) and my routine just went to pot. I missed one of my language lessons yesterday, and today I missed almost everything. On top of that I had psychotic symptoms on Monday night, after I went to a bar on my own, and ended up wandering the streets until 3 in the morning. I'm not going to go back to PMO, life is definitely better without it, but I've still got a long way to go to rebuild my shattered life. I want to take a break from my routine of study, I finish the first language course on Saturday, so that seems like a good place to pause, but I'm worried if I go back to doing nothing everyday I'll relapse PMO. The routine definitely helped me focus my mind and energy on something other than P and M, and it felt like I was making progress, but I need a break. Actually, a break in my routine is the last thing I need, but I got to the point where I couldn't envisage going forward, so I'm pulling everything back. Progress is difficult.

 

[David Albert]

Hey, congratulations on your 90 day success  It's only the beginning of your process, but you are doing excellent so far. Don't think about relapses, don't think about P stuff, that is all behind you now ! P is a thing of the past for you, it's becoming a distant memory that will fade with time. P is out of your life, it's not an option anymore. Keep yourself busy, keep your mind occupied with projects, lessons, hobbies, whatever you need. Progress is difficult but don't forget each and every day to remind yourself how far you've come and how you can never go back.

 

[Georgos]

Thank you David Albert I've been having psychotic symptoms these last few days. Going out in the evening and going crazy. It's really worrying how quickly the change in me can happen. Didn't really get into trouble, it wasn't as bad as it has been sometimes, but did have some intense and weird conversations with strangers besides all the crazy things going on in my head relating to those around me. I think my therapist is right that I want to escape the normal reality for something more exciting. In a way I kind of sought out the psychosis by deliberately going out at night which I knew would bring it on. My reasoning was I should be able to go out at night on my own and have a good time, but I knew I was vulnerable so should have stayed at home, which I did last night. I realised yesterday that it was no good and made an effort to sleep it off. I'm ok today. Seeing my key worker in half an hour, so everything should get back to normal if I am careful. I need to stay in tonight as well and try and get back to my routine. I didn't do anything yesterday, I was too insane. Today is day 94. Slow steady progress may be boring, but it's better than being in a psychotic state. Thankfully, thoughts of relapsing in P and M are far from my mind. Thank you.

 

[Georgos]

I don't want to come on here and tell you that I failed yet again. I managed 107 days. The last few weeks I have been having a psychotic episode. I am back to normal now. But I lost count of my days and I pretty much lost focus on my goal. I feel nothing. The images barely moved me. It was only the return to masturbation that was really there. But I did look at P. And I did PMO. Advice as to what to do would be welcome. I don't have the energy to start counting to a hundred days again...