So wasn't going to post today, but reading happysad's journal made me think and I thought I'd jot down my thoughts. I am constantly looking for validation of my life. I'd read before that the best way to attract girls was to give them the impression you're not interested. But in my experience that never worked either. Now I realise, it's not about giving the impression that you're not interested in sex but rather that you don't need validation of any kind. For example, when I talk about the ideas I'm interested in, I present them in a way that seeks validation. These ideas can be as interesting as anything, but because I seek validation for having them, it's a turn off. I don't just seek validation from girls, I seek validation from everyone. It's my whole way of being. I think I developed this personality trait before I discovered porn, but the years of porn use and failing in my attempts to control it only made it worse. In a way, even me posting this is me seeking validation, but then that's what this forum is for I guess. Thank you.
NoFap Consciousness
- Thread starter Georgos
- Start date
Found an interesting article on validation which I thought I'd share for anyone whose interested: http://postmasculine.com/validation/comment-page-1
Still doing my language lessons (20 so far, 61 to go), but I had a wave of anxiety before my t'ai ji class today so didn't go again, that's what led me to search for information about validation.
Reboot continues
Still doing my language lessons (20 so far, 61 to go), but I had a wave of anxiety before my t'ai ji class today so didn't go again, that's what led me to search for information about validation.
Reboot continues
Day 36. Rebooting must deal with the whole person if it is to succeed. There are several issues that I need to address in my reboot. The first of course is putting my porn use behind me. However a second issue is filling my time with constructive things to do and beating apathy. Apathy is a negative symptom of schizophrenia, so really I have to try and recover from schizophrenia as well. That may or may not be possible. The doctors say it is a life long condition. However I believe that it is possible to recover and lead a functional life. I firmly believe that my relationship with porn played a large part in me developing this condition, so moving on from that should help me to deal with schizophrenia as well. As I said moving on means tackling apathy and also tackling all the negative pathways I've built up around sex and relationships. I have a date coming up so I will probably post about that soon. However today I am going to take another step in doing something positive with my life. As you know (though are probably not very interested I am doing a fifteen minute language lesson every day. As from today I will also do an additional half an hour on another online language course I've signed up for. It's for the same language, so hopefully, with these two language courses combined, by the end of the year my aim is to become fluent. Good luck everyone with your reboot. Thank you.
I am doing a fifteen minute language lesson every day. As from today I will also do an additional half an hour on another online language course I've signed up for. It's for the same language, so hopefully, with these two language courses combined, by the end of the year my aim is to become fluent. Good luck everyone with your reboot. Thank you.Day 39. My date's coming up soon. Every time I'm going to meet someone I like, be it appearance wise or profile, or both, I think, "this is it". Suddenly everything is riding on the first encounter. I know my technique is all wrong, but because everything is riding of the first encounter for me, I'm too scared to try anything different. I'm afraid to experiment, because as I said, "this is it". I don't really know what I'd do differently anyway. I don't have any game plan. I don't know what we're going to talk about. If it goes like all the previous dates I've ever had, it will just be me talking about my ideas and she telling me they're interesting but sound too complicated for her. Then we'll go our separate ways and never see each other again. At least my reboot is going well and I'm doing both my language courses every day. If anyone has got any ideas how I can be more successful on a date without making a complete tool out of myself, I'd love to hear from you. Thank you.
T
TheNewMe
Guest
Listen and ask questions? Usually people love talking
A successful date:
Invite her out for some adventurous trip. Take her to an exciting new place of the town.
Give her the feeling you really listen to her.
Complement her on her looks.
Flirt with her.
Women want to have the feeling somebody is really listening to them.
If she likes dancing, go dancing.
Be funny without making a fool of yourself.
Sometimes just observe her.
Give her some smiles. Smiling at somebody cannot do harm.
Do not talk about problems.
Find out what she likes.
Show a genuine interest in her.
Make her feel comfortable.
Invite her out for some adventurous trip. Take her to an exciting new place of the town.
Give her the feeling you really listen to her.
Complement her on her looks.
Flirt with her.
Women want to have the feeling somebody is really listening to them.
If she likes dancing, go dancing.
Be funny without making a fool of yourself.
Sometimes just observe her.
Give her some smiles. Smiling at somebody cannot do harm.
Do not talk about problems.
Find out what she likes.
Show a genuine interest in her.
Make her feel comfortable.
So date was cancelled through no fault of my own. Trying not to get all worked up. I can actually physically feel the onset of psychosis. It begins with anxiety. A physical sensation of a sort of coldness that runs through the back of my brain. Writing about it helps. Went to have coffee to relax. Was picking up loads of "feedback" from the people around me. However, I discovered something about this, last time I thought I was picking up "feedback" the girl hadn't even read her message yet which proves however seemingly related to my situation the "feedback" is, it isn't a real connection. Realising this helped a lot. I'm really making an effort to stay sane at the moment. Hopefully, if I succeed in my reboot, my psychosis will lessen as well. Anxiety is really hard to deal with, to some extent I can observe it, the physical sensations, but along with them come a tendency to think fast and react. This is where mindfulness helps. Just as with withdrawal symptoms, being able to sit back and observe anxiety in the brain is really important in recovery. I can still feel the physical sensations even now. Obviously some neuro-transmitters have been released. Perhaps I'll try and sleep for a bit to let them pass. Thank you.
Finally went to a t'ai ji class. Will have to try to go once a week from now on. Managing to do lessons from both language courses every day. Managing to stay relatively sane, which is important. No dates for the moment, but I'm not really bothered. It will be six weeks of reboot as of tomorrow which is equal to my second best attempt last year. My best attempt last year was about ten weeks, although that time I'd stopped counting. My best ever is five months. However, all of this record keeping is really the wrong attitude, showing what a chronic relapser I was. This time it is over. I'm never going back. Thank you.
Day 46. Nothing much to report. Reboot going fine. Have a few problems with ogling from time to time still, but it doesn't trigger any desire to relapse. I'm not sure how the whole ogling thing fits into my difficulties with getting a girlfriend psychologically wise, it's probably not good, and of course it's disrespectful, but having had a lot of fear and shame associated with looking at real women at all, a bit of it feels empowering. Writing this now, I recognise that this sort of logic is the twisted reactions of a porn addict, and I'm sure totally unattractive behaviour, but I'm still quite confused as to how to relate to real women. Part of me thinks there's nothing wrong with validating a woman physically, as long as there's no expectation on your part and no reduction of the person to their physicality alone, which of course is not he same as ogling. Striking the right attitude here is difficult for me. I'm still doing my language lessons every day, and in the coming days I'm going to try and make a tiny effort to deal with another addiction I have, namely smoking. I've never gone more than eight hours without a cigarette since I started some fifteen years ago.
Dreamed I was masturbating last night, but so far no urges today. Had some intense dreams just before I woke up and so immediately felt I needed a cigarette to cope. I first started smoking because of anxiety about people finding out about my porn use some fifteen years ago. Stopping smoking is a challenge I'm not sure I'm ready to face. Unlike porn, I have no shame about smoking, indeed I still think it's kind of cool. I do however have a smoker's cough and that reminds me every now and then that it's damaging me, but so far this hasn't translated into a strong enough feeling to quit. I think I should quit, but it is an intellectual should, not an emotional one. Given that this morning I couldn't even bring myself to resist smoking immediately upon waking up, even though the night before I'd prayed that I wouldn't smoke first thing in the morning, I don't know whether I can ever be successful at the moment. Things are going well with my reboot, and I'm thankful for that. I don't want to rush and try and change everything at once.
Georgos said:
Hi Georgos,
I am not sure how long you are in your reboot, but for me the 'natural' need to stop smoking came when I was about 3,5 months in my current hardmode reboot. It was when I had strong withdrawl symptoms (I still do), but it became more easy to cope with them. For some reason the smoking started to irritate and bore me and after about 2 weeks I just quite. The discipline I gained during the first months of the reboot made it easy to go through the difficult moments, although I have to say that I still have, after two monts, some intense urges to smoke once in a while.
If you feel like if you'd been pushing it if you stop now, I would suggest to give it some more time. It might come more naturally, as it did with me. Besides that, I would focus on quiting porn for now. That's REALLY the addiction to beat.
All the best
Thank you for the advice davnel I'm really hoping there will come a natural time to stop smoking for me as well. I'm on day 47 of my reboot so far. I've had next to no urges to look at porn throughout the reboot. I think that's because I'd already made a huge effort and been moderately successful (albeit as a chronic relapser) before I found this forum and that the forum provided the final push for me to quit for good. I'm not getting complacent though, I intend to keep this journal for the full year to remind me to stay focused on my goal. Thank you.
I'm really hoping there will come a natural time to stop smoking for me as well. I'm on day 47 of my reboot so far. I've had next to no urges to look at porn throughout the reboot. I think that's because I'd already made a huge effort and been moderately successful (albeit as a chronic relapser) before I found this forum and that the forum provided the final push for me to quit for good. I'm not getting complacent though, I intend to keep this journal for the full year to remind me to stay focused on my goal. Thank you.Day 48. Tomorrow will be seven weeks P and M free. I've also been relatively sane for most of this time which is good. Went to my t'ai ji class today which is also good and hopefully will be able to go every week now. Still doing my language lessons as well. All in all, I'm happy.
You've mentioned some interesting things in your journal. Your awareness of the dilemma of "when am i cured" is a point i really relate to. Many AA members continue to go to AA meetings for the rest of their lives. Not only does it help us to stay sober but also to get better at living sober. It also allows us to share "experience, strength, and hope" with those who other alcoholics who need help and thus completes a circle.
I had always planned on leaving this forum when i no longer needed it. But maybe i've been thinking about that wrong.
Congrats on your progress. You're doing great.
I had always planned on leaving this forum when i no longer needed it. But maybe i've been thinking about that wrong.
Congrats on your progress. You're doing great.
Thank you pinkerton, I think the problem in the past was that after going five months some years ago, I'd proved to myself that I could control the addiction. The thing is I still went back to PMO. There are many reasons for this. One is the difference between struggling to "control" something and simply making the choice to leave something behind. Reading the journals on this forum has been like a mirror to me and I can see the behaviour that I've had all these years and recognise that that's not who I want to be. Another reason was that this struggle was very personal for me. Nobody knew that I PMOd and so nobody knew when I stopped. Again this forum has really made the difference because now it is not so much a secret thing that is eating me up. Finally, and this is what I'm still not finished with, I think I didn't pay enough attention to the underlying problems that led me to PMO. I simply wanted to stop, without addressing the other things I needed to change in my life. For example, if you find you PMO because of boredom, then you need to address boredom as well as cutting out PMO, if it's because of self-image, again you need to address that. I think with you pinkerton, you're still at the stage of trying to control your addiction, rather than coming to terms with the idea that you don't need it in your life. You may not want it in your life, but until you address the reasons why you do it, you may still need it, just as an alcoholic can become dependent on alcohol, to the extent that if they stop it suddenly they could even die without it. I'm not suggesting PMO is as bad as that, but not wanting it is not the same as not needing it. Hope that's not too critical, and thank you again for writing on my journal, all feedback helps. Thank you.
Day 53. The last few days I've been becoming increasingly philosophical and felt my brain opening up towards psychosis. Thinking about life and death, feeling dissatisfied but without motivation to do anything productive. I've managed to keep doing my language lessons, I have 42 left of the first course, and this has been a small victory. However in the time in between I've been seriously losing the plot. I've found myself watching videos of Shaolin monks and comparing myself to them, which is stupid. Going to the extremes is always a sign that my mental health is deteriorating. Just because I'm learning a little t'ai ji, I start looking at the most extreme practitioners, then knowing that I will never be of that standard, I start questioning why I am doing it at all. Why am I doing anything, when I will die someday and it will all be gone. Another extreme. As I said, this extremist thinking is a sure sign that another psychotic relapse is on the way. I'm determined to try and stay sane this time. At the back of my mind I am wondering if this is not all because I am in contact with another girl on the dating website I am on. I haven't been thinking about it, indeed I'm not even really interested in her, but the opening up of my brain started after I first made contact. There could be other reasons as well, but dating girls has always been a trigger for my psychosis. Thinking now, I am realising that I should just relax. It is not necessary to focus on self improvement if it makes me psychotic. I'm doing my language lessons. I'm doing my reboot. That is enough.
Day 54. Feeling better today so far. Mind not drifting to unanswerable questions about life and death and what's the point This journal's really helpful, not only for keeping me off porn, but for catching the beginnings of psychosis before they can develop into something serious as well. Look forward to reading all the progress in your journals. Thank you.
This journal's really helpful, not only for keeping me off porn, but for catching the beginnings of psychosis before they can develop into something serious as well. Look forward to reading all the progress in your journals. Thank you.Coming up to two months now in a couple of days. It has gone so well so far that I'm really pleased. However I did have a bit of a scare yesterday. Was looking at some news articles on the web and there were several provocative adverts. I found myself drawn to the adverts more than the news I was reading. It felt like a return to the old behaviour, the focus on scanning through web pages for the perfect image, etc. Though I came across the images unintentionally, and they certainly weren't porn, just provocative, I did start to commit intentionally to viewing them. That commitment was accompanied by a change in my brain that I could feel. As soon as I felt it I turned the computer off. But it was scary that those pathways were still there. I know everyone here knows how it feels, like something has got a hold of you and is drawing you in. Afterwards I felt bad. I don't know if that is chemical too, or merely psychological. Of course chemical reactions and psychological reactions are intertwined, so there isn't really a distinction, just a different emphasis on how to one treats them. At any rate, I should really be pleased with how I handled the situation, but I really don't like the fact that my brain still reacts in such a way. Healing takes time, fifty nine days is nothing compared to the almost thirty years of the old behaviour. Onward.