Crossing day 70 today.
So much work has been done over the last couple of weeks, and though there is plenty of work to do in the future, I am thankful for getting to the place I am today. I'm fortunate that people around me were willing to give me me help. My wife, first of all, made all the difference. Her help, advice, questions, and even outrage have been key to this - she discovered this forum and many other resources and helped me learn from them. She never stopped engaging with me and with the problem, no matter how much it hurt her or how angry or frightened she was. There are so many reasons that I think she is the finest person I know, but what she did in the last two months has been super-human. She is amazing.
Therapy helps to guide me to better behaviors and better tracks of thinking. This forum, and the encouragement, information, and ideas contained within are essential. Having an accountability partner has also been important - both to strengthen resolve and to get out of my own head to focus on others. The addiction continues to leave my body - good riddance - and I am able to understand and confront many aspects of my behaviors and thinking that made the addiction possible in the first place. None of this is easy, but even now, so early in the process of creating a better life for me and my family, there are tangible and powerful benefits already in place.
It's interesting how the disciplines I reached for to help me reboot have had powerful ancillary benefits. I went on a media diet - avoiding news, etc. and found that not only am I calmer as a result - but that I have much more perspective and clarity about what's going on in the world without reading or viewing endless commentary. I stopped drinking alcohol and coffee - and as a result feel much happier, stronger, and clearer. It's a lot easier to wake up in the morning. I started to meditate again - and as a result have much more understanding of my own emotional state, and am beginning to better manage the unreasonableness of moods, etc.
I've also learned that I don't have the answers - that any assumptions I have are just that, assumptions. Therefore I'm asking more questions, I'm listening more, and I'm learning a lot more. I have found that discovering that I don't know is one of the most freeing discoveries of my life. I don't know - so let's learn, let's figure it out. The ego still asserts itself here on a regular basis - but less so every day. I don't want to know anymore. I want to learn.
My thoughts are focusing more and more on others - and the more I'm concerned about other people's welfare, especially my wife and daughter, friends, and associates - but also strangers that I might see as I go through the day, or fellow rebooters I "meet" on-line - the better I feel, and the more I can stay away from negative cycles of self hatred, insecurity, and hiding from others behind masks.
The greatest benefit of this process has been the opportunity to connect with my wife and daughter. There is quite a bit of difficulty here - and by no means are the relationships fixed, but every connection made, every conversation, every moment of laughter has been a gift. I am seeing them more clearly than I ever did - understanding more about who they are and what they want out of life - listening closer to their thoughts, ideas, feelings and wit - and have been uplifted by the waves of love I feel for both of them. They are two amazing women. I am so lucky to be with them today. Despite the painful regret I feel about wasting so many years withdrawing from them and the loss of important parts of life - the joy I feel about any connection with them today is overwhelming.
A "hard reboot" is as described: "hard". It asks us to go deeper than we have before, it requires us to embrace discomfort, to walk away from the selfish ego, to become better people. It's much more than not doing something - it's about embracing a new kind of life, with intimacy, with honesty, and with courage.
70 days is a relatively short period of time - but it's amazing how much can change.
It's worth doing. Don't give up.
So much work has been done over the last couple of weeks, and though there is plenty of work to do in the future, I am thankful for getting to the place I am today. I'm fortunate that people around me were willing to give me me help. My wife, first of all, made all the difference. Her help, advice, questions, and even outrage have been key to this - she discovered this forum and many other resources and helped me learn from them. She never stopped engaging with me and with the problem, no matter how much it hurt her or how angry or frightened she was. There are so many reasons that I think she is the finest person I know, but what she did in the last two months has been super-human. She is amazing.
Therapy helps to guide me to better behaviors and better tracks of thinking. This forum, and the encouragement, information, and ideas contained within are essential. Having an accountability partner has also been important - both to strengthen resolve and to get out of my own head to focus on others. The addiction continues to leave my body - good riddance - and I am able to understand and confront many aspects of my behaviors and thinking that made the addiction possible in the first place. None of this is easy, but even now, so early in the process of creating a better life for me and my family, there are tangible and powerful benefits already in place.
It's interesting how the disciplines I reached for to help me reboot have had powerful ancillary benefits. I went on a media diet - avoiding news, etc. and found that not only am I calmer as a result - but that I have much more perspective and clarity about what's going on in the world without reading or viewing endless commentary. I stopped drinking alcohol and coffee - and as a result feel much happier, stronger, and clearer. It's a lot easier to wake up in the morning. I started to meditate again - and as a result have much more understanding of my own emotional state, and am beginning to better manage the unreasonableness of moods, etc.
I've also learned that I don't have the answers - that any assumptions I have are just that, assumptions. Therefore I'm asking more questions, I'm listening more, and I'm learning a lot more. I have found that discovering that I don't know is one of the most freeing discoveries of my life. I don't know - so let's learn, let's figure it out. The ego still asserts itself here on a regular basis - but less so every day. I don't want to know anymore. I want to learn.
My thoughts are focusing more and more on others - and the more I'm concerned about other people's welfare, especially my wife and daughter, friends, and associates - but also strangers that I might see as I go through the day, or fellow rebooters I "meet" on-line - the better I feel, and the more I can stay away from negative cycles of self hatred, insecurity, and hiding from others behind masks.
The greatest benefit of this process has been the opportunity to connect with my wife and daughter. There is quite a bit of difficulty here - and by no means are the relationships fixed, but every connection made, every conversation, every moment of laughter has been a gift. I am seeing them more clearly than I ever did - understanding more about who they are and what they want out of life - listening closer to their thoughts, ideas, feelings and wit - and have been uplifted by the waves of love I feel for both of them. They are two amazing women. I am so lucky to be with them today. Despite the painful regret I feel about wasting so many years withdrawing from them and the loss of important parts of life - the joy I feel about any connection with them today is overwhelming.
A "hard reboot" is as described: "hard". It asks us to go deeper than we have before, it requires us to embrace discomfort, to walk away from the selfish ego, to become better people. It's much more than not doing something - it's about embracing a new kind of life, with intimacy, with honesty, and with courage.
70 days is a relatively short period of time - but it's amazing how much can change.
It's worth doing. Don't give up.
