Wow - I passed 100 days this week, and I have been overwhelmed by the good wishes from fellow travelers. Thank you TK-421, Chip, Balanced, Delerium, RuntoSpirit, Branch, & john5. Your good words mean a lot. This is just the beginning, but it feels great to pass such a milestone.
As I reflect on the last three months, it's clear that the encouragement, advice, and shared experiences of everyone on this forum - particularly Boo, Chip, Balanced, & Branch - was critical to how I got this far. It is inspiring that the greatest help can come from others who are struggling as well. Fundamentally, we are social creatures, we need each other to survive - and coming out of the isolation of porn, and into the light of community, love, and faith has been a transcendent experience. I suspect that is also the case for many others.
How is it that I can feel so much love and gratitude for people I've never met? I don't know, and frankly don't really care. I owe so much to everyone who has shared on this forum - Thank you. I believe that together, we can do just about anything.
100 days is just a beginning, although the urge to PMO is no longer present, there is quite a bit of work still to be done. Trust needs to be rebuilt with my family. Trauma has to be healed. My newly uncovered emotions need to be understood and managed. I have to engage with every part of life - even the difficult, frightening, aggravating, or depressing parts - without distancing myself, without avoidance, or lies, and without escape.
And I want to help others as they work to break free of porn themselves.
So, as an attempt to help, here's a few ideas based on what I've lived through so far. Everyone is different, so what I experienced may or may not help everyone, There are so many excellent ideas, tips and lessons-learned throughout this forum - some from the threads authored by the people I named above. Read all of them. They are wonderful. But in an attempt to add to all the collective wisdom of Reboot Nation, here's a list seven things that have been important for me so far, and might help you:
No Turning Back: You are doing this - really doing this. Burn the boats, you are not going back to PMO, not now, not ever. Your life changes now and forever - and there is no turning back - no matter how crummy you feel, no matter how emotional you might become, no matter how bleak things may appear - you will NEVER PMO AGAIN.
Therapy: I strongly recommend this. If you have escaped and repressed your emotions through the use of PMO, there will be quite a bit to deal with. Having a professional with you to guide and provide insight is invaluable.
Family: You have to reach out to the people who matter. You have to be honest with them - completely honest. (this is harder than it may, at first, appear. An addiction to PMO, by definition, requires you to keep secrets and tell lies. Getting out of the habit of lying will take time and effort. I strongly regret every lie, or shading, or exaggeration I made during the addiction and during this re-boot. Put everything you have into honesty.) You have to face their anger, pain, even trauma. You you have to accept their help if they are willing to give it to you. Even more important, and perhaps most difficult early on, have to help them. My wife is the single most important factor in the success my last 100 days. I love her so much, and hope to help her as much as she has helped me. I've seen glimpses these last few weeks of what our life together will become as we work together to heal. I am eager to get there.
Community: Help other people. It can be in small ways or big - sometimes just listening to someone else and encouraging them is all you can do - sometimes you can help in other ways. Spend time with friends. Spend time on this forum - help others. Even if you are just starting the process, you can help others with your encouragement, with your recent experience, with your ideas. Helping others helps you get out of your head and into life. Do it.
Humility: You don't know what you are doing here. You aren't an expert. You aren't special. You are not evil. You are just another soul caught up in something that screwed up your brain, your body, your life and your family. You are learning as you go. You can always learn more. You can't assume that you've "got this" - you don't. You can't defend or excuse what you did or what you became, you can only become someone better now. You have to constantly ask questions of yourself and from others. You have to learn how to live your life differently. You will make mistakes. Learn from them, every one of them.
Focus: You can't let your mind wander - create ways for you to focus on what matters. Make sure you focus on something- whether it's on family, on work, on exercise, on anything other than your self and PMO. FOCUS.
Compassion: This, I discovered, is a tricky one - especially self-compassion. After betraying all my values in order to feed my addiction, after turning away from my wife and daughter, after realizing what I had done...it is difficult to even like myself, much less be compassionate. Negative self-talk has been a central challenge to my recovery - especially when the Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome kicked in. When my mood dropped through the floor, I started to attack myself with a crazed vigor. This didn't help me or my family one bit - instead it sent me into frightening fits of depression and anger. Now - every time I start to tell myself how rotten I am, I consciously have to stop, tell myself that I am working on getting better, accept myself for what I am right now, then focus on what I can do, who I can talk to, how I can get out of this ego-driven bashing of myself. This is my greatest struggle in the entire process: self-compassion and forgiveness. Fortunately, the less negative self-talk I do, the better I can be to others. I can never let up on this one.
These are just a few ideas - there are plenty others that can help. Read other people's views as much as you can. I did - it helped me a lot. Practical ideas such as cold showers, cutting out alcohol and coffee, limiting media, exercising, meditating - I learned from this forum. They were all essential to my process. I am so grateful that I found them here.
Ask questions. Listen. Learn. Become free.
