Tom_Michaels
Member
In short; PF56, you are a big inspiration.
Thank-you.
Stay strong.
TM
Thank-you.
Stay strong.
TM
Making Recovery my #1 Priority
- Thread starter PF58
- Start date
PF58
Active Member
Chip said:
Thanks for sharing Chip! I remember that first time too—it was electrifying and intoxicating! That was the beginning of our sexual awakening. Too bad we didn't have some good role models (which may have taken us in another direction)! I don't ever remember my dad talking about sex. Seems it was my mother's duty and she talked about it in a very clinical way, explaining the mechanics of it. How amazing it would have been had my father had a heartfelt father-to-son conversation explaining the birds and the bees in an authentic, grounded way. The reality is that my father must have had some deep-seated issues around his own sexuality and, I imagine, there was some sexual frustration in his marriage to my mom. Anyway, time to forgive and move on!
I'm really enjoying the support I'm getting from RN and I'm supplementing that with other things too. As I've mentioned before, you can't rely on any one program or strategy and expect that to make the difference. For me it's a combination of a solid commitment, multiple programs and multiple strategies!
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PF58
Active Member
Here are the things that I've committed to doing for my recovery:
I'm going to start a Smart Recovery meeting
It's starting in just a few days. I've been busy promoting it by sticking flyers up around town. It's been a long time coming!
I'm going to get to bed before midnight
I've been pretty good about this, occasionally getting to bed a little past midnight. I notice that I've been having some insomnia lately. Withdrawal perhaps? Or, perhaps, just getting used to a regular bedtime. I used to be all over the map, getting to bed anywhere between 1 and 5am!
I'm going to avoid surfing the web randomly
I'm finding that my days are full with exercise, exploration and recovery?leaving little time to surf the Web!
I'm going to avoid following provocative stories from mainstream journalism onto YouTube
I do occasionally visit YT but I don't follow provocative stories there. I've also gotten in the habit of clicking "not interested" whenever any recommendation is even slightly provocative.
I'm going to get out in nature at least twice a week
Had an amazing paddle down the Colorado River last week on my Stand-Up paddle board accompanied by a couple of kayakers I'd met 2 days before (as you can see from the pic below).
I'm going to go to an event at least once a week (where there's an opportunity to be social)
Went to an art opening but I haven't made any friends here yet. I'm not trying real hard though. I'm really focusing on being present for myself but I realize that I need to be more social for my ongoing well-being!
I'm going to exercise at least 3x a week
Got to the gym 3 times and did a good hike yesterday!
I'm going to develop the habit of planning my days
Still working on this one but I'm getting better.
I'm going to post on Reboot Nation every day this June
Doing it. It helps!
Since I'm almost at the two week point I'm thinking that I need to step up my game! Here are some other things that I want to add to my recovery plan:
Read some recovery related material everyday (whether that's from a book, from RebootNation, YBOP, Smart Recovery or some other site). Anything to help me to stay motivated and on-track!
Watch recovery related material a few times a week. As I mentioned in a previous post, I was inspired by Noah Church's awesome video on The Mystery Box Show. Watching recovery videos is a good way to retrain my brain that the Internet is for education and inspiration NOT for sexual titillation!
Eat Healthy! I've been doing a pretty good job of this and it definitely helps. My body feels better and I feel better about myself.
Talk to a friend on the phone at least once a week. Because I'm in a new town without any friends, it would be helpful to reach out to friends that I left behind.
Keep my living space organized. It's amazing what a neat environment can do for my mood and, conversely, how a messy or dirty environment can make me more prone to slip in other areas!
Stay on top of my bills and other To Dos. I always regret it when I have to pay late fees because I didn't pay my bills on time.
That's enough for now!
I'm going to start a Smart Recovery meeting
It's starting in just a few days. I've been busy promoting it by sticking flyers up around town. It's been a long time coming!
I'm going to get to bed before midnight
I've been pretty good about this, occasionally getting to bed a little past midnight. I notice that I've been having some insomnia lately. Withdrawal perhaps? Or, perhaps, just getting used to a regular bedtime. I used to be all over the map, getting to bed anywhere between 1 and 5am!
I'm going to avoid surfing the web randomly
I'm finding that my days are full with exercise, exploration and recovery?leaving little time to surf the Web!
I'm going to avoid following provocative stories from mainstream journalism onto YouTube
I do occasionally visit YT but I don't follow provocative stories there. I've also gotten in the habit of clicking "not interested" whenever any recommendation is even slightly provocative.
I'm going to get out in nature at least twice a week
Had an amazing paddle down the Colorado River last week on my Stand-Up paddle board accompanied by a couple of kayakers I'd met 2 days before (as you can see from the pic below).
I'm going to go to an event at least once a week (where there's an opportunity to be social)
Went to an art opening but I haven't made any friends here yet. I'm not trying real hard though. I'm really focusing on being present for myself but I realize that I need to be more social for my ongoing well-being!
I'm going to exercise at least 3x a week
Got to the gym 3 times and did a good hike yesterday!
I'm going to develop the habit of planning my days
Still working on this one but I'm getting better.
I'm going to post on Reboot Nation every day this June
Doing it. It helps!
Since I'm almost at the two week point I'm thinking that I need to step up my game! Here are some other things that I want to add to my recovery plan:
Read some recovery related material everyday (whether that's from a book, from RebootNation, YBOP, Smart Recovery or some other site). Anything to help me to stay motivated and on-track!
Watch recovery related material a few times a week. As I mentioned in a previous post, I was inspired by Noah Church's awesome video on The Mystery Box Show. Watching recovery videos is a good way to retrain my brain that the Internet is for education and inspiration NOT for sexual titillation!
Eat Healthy! I've been doing a pretty good job of this and it definitely helps. My body feels better and I feel better about myself.
Talk to a friend on the phone at least once a week. Because I'm in a new town without any friends, it would be helpful to reach out to friends that I left behind.
Keep my living space organized. It's amazing what a neat environment can do for my mood and, conversely, how a messy or dirty environment can make me more prone to slip in other areas!
Stay on top of my bills and other To Dos. I always regret it when I have to pay late fees because I didn't pay my bills on time.
That's enough for now!
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Gabriel1960
Active Member
You're do'in great!
PF58
Active Member
I had to drive an hour and a half to Grand Junction, CO today for a root canal. The drilling and nerve extraction wasn't bad since the anesthetic was doing it's job but there was no anesthetic for my jaw which was in pain the whole time from the wedge which was holding my jaw at an unnaturally wide angle.
A few hours after the procedure I treated myself to some sushi which I thought would be appropriately soft. It was perfect. My waitress was a very attractive young 20-something girl. She was polite and cordial and I responded in kind. Outwardly, there was nothing flirtatious or inappropriate going on but inside of me I was noticing my lust. It wasn't raging out-of-control lust but a very familiar pattern of thought and emotion. It's a pattern of craving or pining for something that I can't have which brings me thoughts of regret of my past.
When I was in my teens and early twenties I had sex in my imagination many times, especially while I viewed porn, but I was a virgin until I was around 25. (Thank God I didn't have to wait until 40 to lose my virginity!) It wasn't until my late 20s or early 30s until I had sex with any regularity when I met a woman who I was so infatuated with I asked her to travel around the world with me! We traveled for 2 passionate, tumultuous years but that's another story!
As I have gotten older, the object of my fantasies has stayed the same age—late teens or early twenties. I think I got somehow fixated on women that age because they seemed untouchable to me then—for a different reason than they are now! Then, they just seemed out of reach—goddesses beyond the reach of mere mortals. Of course this was all mental bullshit—I'd just psyched myself out like some many other horny adolescents. And, now, I feel like I'm the dirty old man if I express any interest in a 20-something (which I rarely do). And this brings us to my pattern...
I see these girls and respond outwardly nicely and respectfully, perfectly appropriate, keeping any lust from escaping which would probably make her feel creeped out and would only embarrass myself. And then with all that repressed longing and lust I would go home and act out with porn. That was my outlet. And even when I saw a woman who was age appropriate, I would often act cool and admire her from afar, secretly pining for her but doing nothing. I would beat myself up about not making a move and this would lead me to porn as well. Even though I would put myself out in the world, there was a feeling of isolation which led me to the real isolation of indulgence in porn.
Lately I've started talking to strangers more as a way of breaking this pattern of isolation. Not just pretty strangers! More often than not, they're not even people I'm attracted to. And this seems to be helping. For so long, I wouldn't talk to just anyone, waiting for a pretty woman to turn on the charm. This rarely worked. Either I'm sociable to everyone, including women I'm attracted to, or I just come off as unfriendly or creepy. I don't want to be the creepy older guy or the dirty old man!!
In the early stage of my recovery, I'm really trying to take sex off the table and just relate to people as people, not discriminating about who is worthy of my attention and who's not. It's a different way of being in the world! It's late now and I want to keep my commitment to getting bed before midnight. I know I was rambling tonight but I wanted to also keep my commitment to write on here every day in June!
Lastly, the reason I mentioned the pain I endured in the beginning of this post is for a couple of reasons. One—in the past I would have used this as an excuse to watch porn. The thinking—if it's not obvious already is—"Hell, I've gone through this pain, or I've worked hard, or I've gone through this suffering...I deserve to watch some porn! This seems so lame now it's almost laughable! Two—I want to remember this pain so I can call on it when I'm feeling the pain of withdrawal. It was very clear that the pain I endured would be over soon AND I would eventually feel better for having had the procedure. The correlate to using porn is apt except that with porn the pain will probably be less and it will be over sooner!
A few hours after the procedure I treated myself to some sushi which I thought would be appropriately soft. It was perfect. My waitress was a very attractive young 20-something girl. She was polite and cordial and I responded in kind. Outwardly, there was nothing flirtatious or inappropriate going on but inside of me I was noticing my lust. It wasn't raging out-of-control lust but a very familiar pattern of thought and emotion. It's a pattern of craving or pining for something that I can't have which brings me thoughts of regret of my past.
When I was in my teens and early twenties I had sex in my imagination many times, especially while I viewed porn, but I was a virgin until I was around 25. (Thank God I didn't have to wait until 40 to lose my virginity!) It wasn't until my late 20s or early 30s until I had sex with any regularity when I met a woman who I was so infatuated with I asked her to travel around the world with me! We traveled for 2 passionate, tumultuous years but that's another story!
As I have gotten older, the object of my fantasies has stayed the same age—late teens or early twenties. I think I got somehow fixated on women that age because they seemed untouchable to me then—for a different reason than they are now! Then, they just seemed out of reach—goddesses beyond the reach of mere mortals. Of course this was all mental bullshit—I'd just psyched myself out like some many other horny adolescents. And, now, I feel like I'm the dirty old man if I express any interest in a 20-something (which I rarely do). And this brings us to my pattern...
I see these girls and respond outwardly nicely and respectfully, perfectly appropriate, keeping any lust from escaping which would probably make her feel creeped out and would only embarrass myself. And then with all that repressed longing and lust I would go home and act out with porn. That was my outlet. And even when I saw a woman who was age appropriate, I would often act cool and admire her from afar, secretly pining for her but doing nothing. I would beat myself up about not making a move and this would lead me to porn as well. Even though I would put myself out in the world, there was a feeling of isolation which led me to the real isolation of indulgence in porn.
Lately I've started talking to strangers more as a way of breaking this pattern of isolation. Not just pretty strangers! More often than not, they're not even people I'm attracted to. And this seems to be helping. For so long, I wouldn't talk to just anyone, waiting for a pretty woman to turn on the charm. This rarely worked. Either I'm sociable to everyone, including women I'm attracted to, or I just come off as unfriendly or creepy. I don't want to be the creepy older guy or the dirty old man!!
In the early stage of my recovery, I'm really trying to take sex off the table and just relate to people as people, not discriminating about who is worthy of my attention and who's not. It's a different way of being in the world! It's late now and I want to keep my commitment to getting bed before midnight. I know I was rambling tonight but I wanted to also keep my commitment to write on here every day in June!
Lastly, the reason I mentioned the pain I endured in the beginning of this post is for a couple of reasons. One—in the past I would have used this as an excuse to watch porn. The thinking—if it's not obvious already is—"Hell, I've gone through this pain, or I've worked hard, or I've gone through this suffering...I deserve to watch some porn! This seems so lame now it's almost laughable! Two—I want to remember this pain so I can call on it when I'm feeling the pain of withdrawal. It was very clear that the pain I endured would be over soon AND I would eventually feel better for having had the procedure. The correlate to using porn is apt except that with porn the pain will probably be less and it will be over sooner!
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B
BlueSun
Guest
This isn't rambling, it's insightful and brilliant!
PF58
Active Member
As I've mentioned in a number of posts, I think Fortify (fortifyprogram.org) is an awesome program. It is geared towards younger guys and is free for guys under 21, but, at 56, having spent many years trying to get sober, I'm getting a lot out of it! If you're under 21, I can't think of any reason not to do it unless you get triggered just by sitting down at a computer! Even if you do get triggered sitting at a computer, doing a program like this online will help to retrain your brain to break the association that the Internet is for Porn. For me, the Internet is a tool for recovery and a way to connect with others, especially those that are seeking recovery!
Which brings me to the subject of today's post—Choice Points. I think this graphic is one of the most important and valuable I've come across while doing this program!
Here's the reason I like this so much...
One last thought—I like that there is a Choice Point after using. To me this suggests that a lapse doesn't have to turn into a relapse. You choose to use. You can choose NOT to use!
Which brings me to the subject of today's post—Choice Points. I think this graphic is one of the most important and valuable I've come across while doing this program!
Here's the reason I like this so much...
- It gives a really good visual understanding of the addictive cycle
- It clearly shows how we get stuck on the not-so-merry-go-round of addiction
- It shows the various Choice Points
One last thought—I like that there is a Choice Point after using. To me this suggests that a lapse doesn't have to turn into a relapse. You choose to use. You can choose NOT to use!
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PF58
Active Member
Up until yesterday, I was feeling pretty strong and determined. I'm still as determined as ever, and I'm still feeling pretty strong but I was a little shaken yesterday by my automatic response to the teen video I saw on YouTube. It wasn't porn and it wasn't overtly sexual but there were certainly sexual undertones! I quickly moved onto something else without watching the whole video but I did scrub through it to see what it contained. This is a big red flag and I need to be more vigilant and, perhaps, stay away from YouTube altogether for the next couple of weeks!
I'm in a precarious position and I need to step up my game! I can feel the familiar nervous, anxious energy which comes with a couple of weeks of no PMO. Part of the nervousness is that I'm leading my first Smart Recovery meeting this evening and it brings up issues of perceived inadequacy and insecurity. I'm sure it will be fine but I notice I'm fretting a bit. A good way of reframing this would be to look at it as my desire to do well and to make a difference to others in recovery! Of course, this first meeting isn't a make or break proposition. It doesn't have to be perfect! Of course, I'll feel more confident and competent after I've done it half a dozen times.
So, in order to heed this red flag I'm going to avoid looking for videos directly on YouTube for the rest of June. I have a number of subscriptions related to entertainment and education but I won't miss them for a couple of weeks! And if I click on a link from mainstream media I'm going to make VERY SURE that it is a legitimate link before I click on it. How can I be sure? Well, if the link is in Time Magazine, which I read on my iPad, and it's not related to a triggering story, then it's almost certainly okay. Since I've been avoiding surfing the web randomly, I'm not coming across many other links.
In the past, I've seen red flags as a call to be extra vigilant but I don't think this enough. Now I'm going to see them as an opportunity to change something about my behavior!
I'm in a precarious position and I need to step up my game! I can feel the familiar nervous, anxious energy which comes with a couple of weeks of no PMO. Part of the nervousness is that I'm leading my first Smart Recovery meeting this evening and it brings up issues of perceived inadequacy and insecurity. I'm sure it will be fine but I notice I'm fretting a bit. A good way of reframing this would be to look at it as my desire to do well and to make a difference to others in recovery! Of course, this first meeting isn't a make or break proposition. It doesn't have to be perfect! Of course, I'll feel more confident and competent after I've done it half a dozen times.
So, in order to heed this red flag I'm going to avoid looking for videos directly on YouTube for the rest of June. I have a number of subscriptions related to entertainment and education but I won't miss them for a couple of weeks! And if I click on a link from mainstream media I'm going to make VERY SURE that it is a legitimate link before I click on it. How can I be sure? Well, if the link is in Time Magazine, which I read on my iPad, and it's not related to a triggering story, then it's almost certainly okay. Since I've been avoiding surfing the web randomly, I'm not coming across many other links.
In the past, I've seen red flags as a call to be extra vigilant but I don't think this enough. Now I'm going to see them as an opportunity to change something about my behavior!
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PF58
Active Member
I think that controlling your environment is an underrated tool. This could include putting a block on your computer—which I choose not to do—but there are many other useful ways to control one's environment. Last night, I took some time to put together a bedside table that I'd gotten online. It had been sitting around in a pile on the floor for a couple of days. I'd been ignoring it and prioritizing other stuff. I could have put it off for another day but I decided to take some time and put it together. It only took 10-15 minutes and this small act made a difference in my mood, offering a small sense of accomplishment. I also took some time to neaten up my place, bringing some order to the chaos of stuff on my couch and piled on the floor. This brought some serenity and I've been appreciating it today when I go into the kitchen.
Organizing one's stuff can be put off indefinitely. I have a bunch of papers on my kitchen counter which need sorting through. I've been putting that off for a couple of weeks. But when I'm done with this post I'm going to take an hour and sort through them (even though there's a little voice telling me that I should get outside since it's a beautiful day). I'm still trying to get organized in my new apartment. It's been a few weeks now and I don't have all the drawers and shelves that I used to have in my old place. In fact, being organized is even more important here since clutter accumulates very fast in my 325 Sq. Ft. apartment. Having come from a condo with 1050 Sq. Ft., it's taking a bit of adjustment. Fortunately, most of my stuff is in storage so I don't have to deal with it here!
Washing dishes after I eat is a habit that I've developed which is helpful. Occasionally in the evening I'll let it go and do the dishes in the morning but I notice that I feel better walking into a clean kitchen in the morning. The point of being tidy and keeping things clean is that it influences my thinking which influences my feelings which, in turn, influences my behavior. I recall, living in my old place, how I would be more inclined to look at porn when my place was messy. It was as if I was sending a subtle message to myself that I was slovenly and didn't give a shit about myself. So why not look at porn? Then, afterwards—I'd tell myself—I'll clean up my place, turn over a new leaf, and get my shit together. The best time to pursue recovery is always NOW!
Even something as trivial as making my bed can have the same effect. I know that there's little chance that anyone else will be over and will see my unmade bed so, why bother? Because I'm sending a message to myself: I care about myself! I'm worth having a clean, orderly, and—by extension—sober life!
Now, please excuse me, I have to go sort those papers!
But one last note: FYI, I choose not to have a block on my computer—which I've tried in the past—for a few reasons:
(1) I really get annoyed and frustrated when a site that shouldn't be blocked is
(2) I'm computer savvy enough to get around a lot of porn blockers
(3) I don't want to even think about or expend energy trying to test a blocker
(4) Perhaps, most importantly, I know that if I can be sober in my own home, I can be sober anywhere
I have some shame around the fact that I've used friend's and family's computers over the years to indulge my porn addiction. This is one way to assure myself that I can be safe and trusted wherever I go!
Organizing one's stuff can be put off indefinitely. I have a bunch of papers on my kitchen counter which need sorting through. I've been putting that off for a couple of weeks. But when I'm done with this post I'm going to take an hour and sort through them (even though there's a little voice telling me that I should get outside since it's a beautiful day). I'm still trying to get organized in my new apartment. It's been a few weeks now and I don't have all the drawers and shelves that I used to have in my old place. In fact, being organized is even more important here since clutter accumulates very fast in my 325 Sq. Ft. apartment. Having come from a condo with 1050 Sq. Ft., it's taking a bit of adjustment. Fortunately, most of my stuff is in storage so I don't have to deal with it here!
Washing dishes after I eat is a habit that I've developed which is helpful. Occasionally in the evening I'll let it go and do the dishes in the morning but I notice that I feel better walking into a clean kitchen in the morning. The point of being tidy and keeping things clean is that it influences my thinking which influences my feelings which, in turn, influences my behavior. I recall, living in my old place, how I would be more inclined to look at porn when my place was messy. It was as if I was sending a subtle message to myself that I was slovenly and didn't give a shit about myself. So why not look at porn? Then, afterwards—I'd tell myself—I'll clean up my place, turn over a new leaf, and get my shit together. The best time to pursue recovery is always NOW!
Even something as trivial as making my bed can have the same effect. I know that there's little chance that anyone else will be over and will see my unmade bed so, why bother? Because I'm sending a message to myself: I care about myself! I'm worth having a clean, orderly, and—by extension—sober life!
Now, please excuse me, I have to go sort those papers!
But one last note: FYI, I choose not to have a block on my computer—which I've tried in the past—for a few reasons:
(1) I really get annoyed and frustrated when a site that shouldn't be blocked is
(2) I'm computer savvy enough to get around a lot of porn blockers
(3) I don't want to even think about or expend energy trying to test a blocker
(4) Perhaps, most importantly, I know that if I can be sober in my own home, I can be sober anywhere
I have some shame around the fact that I've used friend's and family's computers over the years to indulge my porn addiction. This is one way to assure myself that I can be safe and trusted wherever I go!
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gummianka
Active Member
Very good journal and you seem to be doing really well. I think your post on making the bedm doing the dishes etc is important. At least that is how I work. Perhaps that is also why I am such a fan of cold showers. When I can take the cold water, it is a proof that I can take other discomfort and also start turning them into something I quite like.
Two things that helped me a lot that might work for you, and these two things came as a bit of a surprise to me when i started.
Planning the day is important, but also creating a list I can check. I think that the tiny dopamine kick when I can check a task is good in combating the urge for another kind of D-hit.
Meditation. Heaps of different styles but I find it very, very powerful. Find whatever works for you and start doing it. I am only doing something like 15 - 40 minutes a day, with the longest session 15 minutes, but getting better every day.
Dancing. Good, social fun.
Good luck with all
Two things that helped me a lot that might work for you, and these two things came as a bit of a surprise to me when i started.
Planning the day is important, but also creating a list I can check. I think that the tiny dopamine kick when I can check a task is good in combating the urge for another kind of D-hit.
Meditation. Heaps of different styles but I find it very, very powerful. Find whatever works for you and start doing it. I am only doing something like 15 - 40 minutes a day, with the longest session 15 minutes, but getting better every day.
Dancing. Good, social fun.
Good luck with all
PF58
Active Member
Thanks gummianka! Haven't tried the cold shower yet but might give that a try. Yes, I know what you mean about GSD (Getting Shit Done)! ;-) I use an app called Things—on iPhone, iPad & Mac—and I'm checking things off everyday. I also meditate every day for a half hour and I'm on an 11 day streak! I'm a little self-conscious when it comes to dancing but I agree it's definitely worth pursuing. I read recently that it's one of the most effective things you can do to stave off dementia. Since it runs in my family, it might be a good idea to start kicking up my heels!
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PF58
Active Member
I have a perfect opportunity to "practice what I'm preaching" at this very moment! I just spent about a half an hour writing here and then lost everything when I switched away from this page. I'm not saying I have an urge to use but I am noticing a powerful surge of emotion?the same kind of emotion that might have tempted me to use in the past. Now I get to practice the STAR strategy which I learned from Fortify. OK, now for Take 2! Here is the strategy that I'm alluding to...
Breathing deeply...I want to finish this post and get on with my day...redoing the post now...noticing some thoughts: "this shouldn't have happened, this sucks, I can't remember what I wrote, I won't be able to recreate what I was going to say..." and so it goes.
Another deep breath. Acceptance (though grudgingly, I admit)!
The main thing that I wanted to convey in this post are the different ways of responding as suggested by Fortify (and that I've used in my own recovery). There are basically two healthy ways to respond: (1) Turn away from one's urge and put one's attention on something equally engaging. This takes some foresight and a plan of action. What will you do when you get triggered: get up from the computer, go for a walk, draw, paint, journal, read a book, call a friend, etc.. Fortify suggests engaging in a passion. Because porn has become that all consuming passion for so many of us, it may take some time to reconnect with our passions. It would be time well spent to set down and list out those healthy things that you love to do?perhaps things which you haven't done in years. It's amazing what can come out of this exploration. When I was a kid I used to sketch these geometrical patterns on graph paper!
This was a unique expression of my creativity which engaged me fully close to 50 years ago!! What would it be like for me to try this again? Just like the adult coloring books which are so popular now, reconnecting with one's childhood passions can be very powerful. Now that I've mentioned this I'm going to get some graph paper and give it a try again. BTW, my original post didn't mention anything about this and I wasn't even thinking about it. This is an example how something good can come out of frustration if you choose a healthy response. In this case, I decided that I didn't have to recreate what I'd written before but could try something new.
(2) The alternative response to an urge that I wanted to mention has to do with "surfing the urge."
This is essentially a mindfulness practice. Focusing on how you feel rather than what the compulsive directive is! Where is the feeling located? What is the texture of it? The temperature? The shape? Such re-focusing can take you right out of the urge but it takes some practice being with one's feelings. This is really foreign to most of us since we're conditioned to do something about our feelings. This is the difference between responding and reacting. A response is a measured, thoughtful way of being which can only happen when there is a pause. A reaction, on the other hand, is a knee-jerk, conditioned response. No thought required! Following the STAR approach is a good way to train yourself to respond more skillfully!
Breathing deeply...I want to finish this post and get on with my day...redoing the post now...noticing some thoughts: "this shouldn't have happened, this sucks, I can't remember what I wrote, I won't be able to recreate what I was going to say..." and so it goes.
Another deep breath. Acceptance (though grudgingly, I admit)!
The main thing that I wanted to convey in this post are the different ways of responding as suggested by Fortify (and that I've used in my own recovery). There are basically two healthy ways to respond: (1) Turn away from one's urge and put one's attention on something equally engaging. This takes some foresight and a plan of action. What will you do when you get triggered: get up from the computer, go for a walk, draw, paint, journal, read a book, call a friend, etc.. Fortify suggests engaging in a passion. Because porn has become that all consuming passion for so many of us, it may take some time to reconnect with our passions. It would be time well spent to set down and list out those healthy things that you love to do?perhaps things which you haven't done in years. It's amazing what can come out of this exploration. When I was a kid I used to sketch these geometrical patterns on graph paper!
This was a unique expression of my creativity which engaged me fully close to 50 years ago!! What would it be like for me to try this again? Just like the adult coloring books which are so popular now, reconnecting with one's childhood passions can be very powerful. Now that I've mentioned this I'm going to get some graph paper and give it a try again. BTW, my original post didn't mention anything about this and I wasn't even thinking about it. This is an example how something good can come out of frustration if you choose a healthy response. In this case, I decided that I didn't have to recreate what I'd written before but could try something new.
(2) The alternative response to an urge that I wanted to mention has to do with "surfing the urge."
This is essentially a mindfulness practice. Focusing on how you feel rather than what the compulsive directive is! Where is the feeling located? What is the texture of it? The temperature? The shape? Such re-focusing can take you right out of the urge but it takes some practice being with one's feelings. This is really foreign to most of us since we're conditioned to do something about our feelings. This is the difference between responding and reacting. A response is a measured, thoughtful way of being which can only happen when there is a pause. A reaction, on the other hand, is a knee-jerk, conditioned response. No thought required! Following the STAR approach is a good way to train yourself to respond more skillfully!
PF58
Active Member
Once again I'm still in bed well into the afternoon. I woke up at 8am, went back to sleep and woke up later around 9:30 or 10. Then I meditated, laying down?not long into my meditation?from a sitting, cross-legged posture. After my meditation I rolled over and slept some more. I was shocked when I looked at the clock on waking up. It was 11:45am. Then I settled into what has been a regular morning/afternoon routine of reading, watching (non-provocative) YouTube videos and sometimes playing iPad games.
Often, while lying in bed in the afternoon, I've noticed an undercurrent of judgement in the background which I take a mental note of which says sounds something like this...
You shouldn't be in bed this late.
You're a slacker.
What's wrong with you?
You're missing out!
This isn't normal.
You're a loser.
Sometimes these thoughts aren't quite as well formed as I just wrote them. Sometimes, they're more of a feeling. I don't act on these thoughts because I want to actively challenge this judgmental voice. From reading Soul Without Shame, I'm aware that this "inner judge" is the voice of shame. In the past it has often led me to indulge in porn for the simple reason that I want to feel better. While this voice is prodding me towards choices it thinks will benefit me, it's doing it in a way that isn't helpful?by making me feel bad. So, I while I think it might be useful to look more closely at this routine of mine, I also want to question the "judge" at the same time.
Im practicing non-attachment towards these thoughts that arise as a way to understand the "judge" and an underlying shame which has often compelled me to indulge in porn to escape it. I'm watching these thoughts as I might watch the clouds in the sky, noticing the various shapes and sizes while remaining unattached to their being any different than the way that they show up. This is a practice of mindfulness called Vipassana in the Theravadin Buddhist tradition. Krishnamurti has called it "choiceless awareness" and I've also heard it referred to as "bare attention." The idea is to develop some objectivity around one's thoughts and feelings so that we are not controlled by them. I think this a practice that can serve us well in our quest to escape from the immense and alluring pull of porn addiction.
Often, while lying in bed in the afternoon, I've noticed an undercurrent of judgement in the background which I take a mental note of which says sounds something like this...
You shouldn't be in bed this late.
You're a slacker.
What's wrong with you?
You're missing out!
This isn't normal.
You're a loser.
Sometimes these thoughts aren't quite as well formed as I just wrote them. Sometimes, they're more of a feeling. I don't act on these thoughts because I want to actively challenge this judgmental voice. From reading Soul Without Shame, I'm aware that this "inner judge" is the voice of shame. In the past it has often led me to indulge in porn for the simple reason that I want to feel better. While this voice is prodding me towards choices it thinks will benefit me, it's doing it in a way that isn't helpful?by making me feel bad. So, I while I think it might be useful to look more closely at this routine of mine, I also want to question the "judge" at the same time.
Im practicing non-attachment towards these thoughts that arise as a way to understand the "judge" and an underlying shame which has often compelled me to indulge in porn to escape it. I'm watching these thoughts as I might watch the clouds in the sky, noticing the various shapes and sizes while remaining unattached to their being any different than the way that they show up. This is a practice of mindfulness called Vipassana in the Theravadin Buddhist tradition. Krishnamurti has called it "choiceless awareness" and I've also heard it referred to as "bare attention." The idea is to develop some objectivity around one's thoughts and feelings so that we are not controlled by them. I think this a practice that can serve us well in our quest to escape from the immense and alluring pull of porn addiction.
PF58
Active Member
I just watched a video on Fortify about Zero Tolerance and reflected on what this means to me. Essentially, this is what I've adopted by declaring to make recovery my #1 priority. This means being very proactive about my recovery—thinking about and implementing strategies to minimize or eliminate triggers. It means staying out of slippery situations and avoiding the "just a peak" mentality. At this stage of my recovery, allowing myself any kind of sexual titillation, especially if it's online, and even if it's offline, could compromise my recovery. Searching for some relief to my sexual yearning—instead of just being with it—would be counterproductive. In this process of recovery, I'm learning to tolerate pain and suffering, not because I'm a martyr, but because I want to understand it and thereby transcend it!
Another way of thinking about this is to be impeccable in one's recovery. I like that word; it suggest no compromise, no wiggle room. In another post I talked about the 3 Circles and I think it's really important to know what your Middle Circle is so that you can avoid being triggered (to the extent that it's possible). Given that we live in a sex saturated culture—at least in the western world—it may be hard to eliminate triggering altogether but it can be minimized. Here are the things I do to avoid or minimize potential triggers:
Surfing the web randomly Browsing photography books or sites (even through I love photography)Visiting joke sites on the Net Searching for more info (ie. videos) about salacious news storiesStaying up past midnight Searching for and looking at "safe" images to get a sexual hit Lingering too long an a provocative ad or media image Ogling sexy girls or women I see out and about Books on sexuality (while I'm not in a relationship) PUA books or programsAt some point I'm going to write something about how I got sidetracked in my recovery by trying to become a PUA (Pick Up Artist). Essentially, what that did was to fuel and amplify my longing and neediness. I thought it would help with my recovery but it increased my anxiety and insecurity. This is not surprising really—when you get out of your comfort zone you're bound to experience some discomfort. While I still want to get better at meeting women, it's something which will have to wait until I have some serious recovery time under my belt.
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gummianka
Active Member
I think yuo are right about waiting a bit with PUA stuff until you feel better about this. Perhaps you can spend the time now learning stuff that can be useful in that area but not necessarily in the sex-part of it all. Card tricks, dancing 8here we go again, you'd think I was selling courses )
whatever. moving in the right direction where you want to go but at a slow pace.
As for ogling girls, real girls, I see no problem with that. Perhaps it is an issue for you, but I am just patting you on the back and reminding you that as a man you SHOULD get aroused and interested by hot women. No shame in that, friend.
)whatever. moving in the right direction where you want to go but at a slow pace.
As for ogling girls, real girls, I see no problem with that. Perhaps it is an issue for you, but I am just patting you on the back and reminding you that as a man you SHOULD get aroused and interested by hot women. No shame in that, friend.