Making Recovery my #1 Priority

[TK-421]

Hey PF56 - How are things going for you?  I haven't commented much on your journal, but I can tell you have put a lot of time and effort into your writing and your recovery. I can also relate to a lot of what you say. I see you've recently reset your counter so hope all is well. I've also recently stumbled after going for 58 days. It's disappointing and I spent about a week slogging around in the muck. The only answer though is to keep on and, hopefully, learn something from the stumble.

TK-421

 

[PF58]

Nine days ago when I indulged in porn I thought that I could limit the damage, recommitting myself to my recovery and putting that slip behind me. A few days later when I indulged again, I thought I would call my setback a lapse but I told myself that if I could get back on track that my lapse didn't have to become a relapse. Now, after indulging 4 times in a little over a week, I can accept and acknowledge that this is a relapse. But it doesn't have to continue. I'm well aware of the downward spiral since I've experienced it many, many times! I indulge in porn to make myself feel better about indulging in porn!! There is no end to it. I want to interrupt that pattern and the best way I know how to do that is to write about it and focus the light of awareness on it.

I think it would be useful to analyze how that first slip happened so perhaps I can learn from it and prevent it happening in the future. I met a  woman a few weeks ago. I mentioned her in one or two previous posts. I was happy being in a platonic relationship with her since I didn't find her that physically attractive. But over time, as I got to know her, and was enjoying her company, I started to feel some more attraction towards her. It was probably also due to the month that I'd gone without PMO! The night before I fell off the wagon, I was stargazing with her. It was a beautiful night and would have been a very romantic time with a lover. But we were "just friends." I wanted to reach out to her but thought that it might be awkward and that it might irreparably damage our friendship. So I repressed that urge. After that beautiful evening together I was feeling frustrated. I stayed up late, ignoring the guideline of getting to bed at midnight which I'd set to support my sobriety. And then, in the wee hours of the morning, when my defense was down, I looked at porn and masturbated, losing my 37 days of sobriety.

In looking back on it, I want to explore what I could have done differently. Perhaps I could have told my friend my feelings which may have helped to dispel the sexual frustration. It may have even opened the door to more intimacy which happened a day or two later when I shared my feelings?including the disclosure of my frustration and subsequent indulgence in porn. I hadn't mentioned anything about my porn addiction before that although I had told her that I was in recovery. I left it up to her imagination to guess what it might be from. I think that both of us were starved for affection so breaking the touch barrier was very gratifying for both of us. Things did eventually get sexual but it was clear that she didn't want to "consummate" our relationship by having intercourse. At the time, I told myself that the affection and sensual touch was enough but I may have been fooling myself. So that presented another opportunity?how to take care of my sexual needs without falling off the wagon. Since masturbation without porn is not addictive for me, I could have gone that route.

What I experienced over the last 9 days is something I've experienced again and again?once the door is cracked open, it becomes increasingly hard to shut, especially as it is opened more and more (by continued indulgence in porn). This is my attempt to interrupt that pattern. I recognize that more is needed and I think that what might be helpful is if I had an accountability partner. This was something that was easier to find when I was living in a metropolitan area and going to SAA. But now I'm in a small town and I'm not longer involved in a 12-Step program. So, if there is someone reading this who resonates with this need and would like an accountability partner, please give me a shout-out!

Starting over is humbling but it is grist for the mill. The big question is: What can I do differently next time to keep from falling off the wagon again. That is the question which I will ponder and reflect on as I go forward from here.

 

[regguyinpa]

Hi PF,

The relapse is just that a relapse.  It does not negate your hard work.  It does not negate your commitment. Its a slip that is it. Do not dwell on it. Learn from it. The most important thing I can say that I have learned is that our brains are the issue. Train your brain. Get rid of all dopamine inducing action. I stopped watching Tv as much. Now I watch a documentary or something educational. We really need to focus on the brain. Read about DeltaFosB and how the connections are in your brain. Realize they need to be changed over time. It takes aprox 6-8 weeks for that to happen. Keep up the good work. Focus on the future. As far as an accountability partner, If you want to message me anytime and discuss it. That would be welcome. I am committed. Even just messaging others is helpful.

Tony

 

[RuntoSpirit]

I Loved your disputations that you use to shore up your resolve against porn.  It pays to remember the negative consequences when urges are screaming at you to indulge.  Thanks and be encouraged as you move on.  THe fact is that after a relapse you have broken your string of PMO free days, but the days that you did have are still etched in your brain as sobriety.

 

[PF58]

I have been tracking my success and failure over the course of the summer and I want to put this recent relapse into perspective. I was very hopeful at the beginning of the summer and became even more so when I got a month under my belt. I thought that this is really it, that I'm really going to do it?to get some long-term sobriety under my belt, to move away from porn once and for all! And then I slipped on July 8. Then I used again and again and my lapse turned into a relapse. But, in getting some perspective, I have to remind myself that all of this happened within the span of two weeks...after 5 weeks of sobriety. The recent relapse doesn't negate the time I was sober; it doesn't wipe out that progress! I've let myself sink into a funk this past couple of weeks and that has fueled my tendency to indulge further.

My new start date is July 20. I want to out myself about a particularly irrational pattern which I'm still prone to?that's the pattern of stopping on a "good date." Good dates could include the start of a month, the start of the year, my birthday, repeating numbers (1/1/11), sequential numbers (11/12/13), or just numbers that I like. My addict tells me, for instance, that it would be better to have my start date be 7/21 instead of 7/20. Or even better?7/31 since it's the end of the month and I like all of these numbers. They have a term for this kind of thinking in 12-Step programs: "stinkin' thinkin"! I've played out this pattern again and again and again and used it as an excuse to use again and again. When I have consciously disputed this pattern I've come up with this rational statement: The best time to stop indulging in porn is NOW! There's nothing magic about a particular date but I recognize that it appeals to my sense of order. The problem with that is that my addiction is the antithesis of order. My "addict" doesn't give a whit about dates or order or time under my belt.

As I have mentioned before, it really does feel like there are two people inside of me and they don't see?and will probably never see?eye-to-eye. Whether we call those parts Id and Superego, higher and lower nature, light and shadow, addict and sober guy, the fact is that they inhabit the same body-mind. Ignoring the shadow or lower nature rarely works. So, what do I do? What do we do? The one solution that keeps coming up in one form or another for me is to BE with what arises rather than reacting to it. Easier said than done! Simple but not easy! Ignoring or repressing one's shadow is different than being with it. To BE with it means to really feel one's feelings which is different than indulging them. To indulge the feelings means to act on whatever inclination arises without any thought of the consequence. To BE with the feeling means to sit with the feelings, feeling them fully, without acting on them or getting lost in self-judgement. It takes a certain objectivity and non-attachment which I've alluded to before. As one of my favorite teachers has suggested, you need to "watch your thoughts as you watch the street traffic." Or, perhaps, like you'd watch passing clouds in the sky.

Acting out or indulging in porn is a conditioned pattern. The more we do it, the more we reinforce the pattern. The more we refrain, the more we break the pattern. Thoughts are also conditioned patterns which lead to conditioned actions. Therefore, becoming more mindful and aware is of the utmost necessity. I'm still figuring this out for myself and trying to figure out how I get derailed and go unconscious or mindless! I'm also trying to figure out how it is that my motivation can vary so widely?one day I'm feeling rock solid and the next I don't give a shit about sobriety. Truly baffling! I'm sure my the vagaries of my brain have a lot to do with it. So, although, mindfulness seems to be a key, I'm still exploring what that means for me and my ongoing attempts to remain sober.

 

[PF58]

I Loved your disputations that you use to shore up your resolve against porn.  It pays to remember the negative consequences when urges are screaming at you to indulge.  Thanks and be encouraged as you move on.  THe fact is that after a relapse you have broken your string of PMO free days, but the days that you did have are still etched in your brain as sobriety.

Thanks for that reminder! Yes, it's so easy to feel defeated when you relapse and forget the progress that you made. I just came from a Smart Recovery meeting that I started here in my small town. The first 3 meetings no one showed up and, finally, someone showed up today and we had a great meeting. It's nice to have some support!

 

[PF58]

Just as exercise, sleep and diet are important factors in recovery, so are mental aspects of each, particularly one's mental diet. I have noticed that reading newsweeklies, like Time Magazine or The Week have become a coping strategy. While this behavior is better than spending the same time surfing porn sites, it is problematic for a couple of reasons. For one thing, mainstream media often features titillating or salacious stories. Sex sells, after all! And, although I've made a commitment not to follow these kinds of stories onto YouTube (to get more information), if my defenses are down, I'm more prone to do so. Also, after taking in a lot of news, much (or most) of it negative, a certain numbness can set in. This has a lot to do with getting the news online. Whether I'm reading a newsweekly on my iPad or visiting CNN, it is hard to regulate the flood of information!

Social media can be even more detrimental since there is a personal aspect to it. The tendency to compare one's life to other's is very tempting and this accounts for a lot of misery which, obviously, makes one more prone to turn to porn. Just check out this Time article: Why Facebook Makes You Feel Bad About Yourself. http://ti.me/2asRCYr  Social media is a poor substitution for face-to-face contact because if gives one the illusion of intimacy. I think that, to the extent that social media leads to in-person contact between "friends," it can be healthy but when it becomes a substitute for that contact it is detrimental.

Whether traditional media or social media, I think it's a good idea to carefully assess one's media habits. I post to FB once or twice a week and probably spend less than an hour a week checking friend's posts so I don't think I have a problem with it. Nevertheless, I am occasionally guilty of checking my own posts more frequently than is healthy to see who has liked them. Do I do this as a form of validation. I think so. Why else would I do it? I've decided to set a time limit for myself when I read a newsweekly and may do the same if I decide that I'm spending too much time on Facebook! The first step is always awareness!

 

[RuntoSpirit]

Hey,
Keep that mental diet going and yiou are going to extend your stresk.  I think you are well aware of the dangers that you have to navigate.
Many blessings on your quest to know and discover as you beat this porn beast.    Cheerss

 

[PF58]

Just looked at my RN Tracker and it makes me happy to see that I am over 10% of the way to my goal of 90 days! Today is Day 9 for me. Tracking is only one measure of progress. How centered and sane one is feeling on a consistent basis is probably a better measure but?even so?I think that tracking the number of days one has is a useful indicator of progress. Before my last slip I had around 37 days and that was a huge improvement for me. Prior to that I was finding it hard to put a week of sobriety together.

Yesterday was a huge day for me! About 30 years ago I got my private pilot's license. It wasn't that long afterwards that I stopped flying. At the time I told myself that I wasn't interested in flying as a career and that was true. But I didn't do any recreational flying either. And part of the reason is that I scared myself (and the passenger I was flying with)! At the time I brushed off the incident but now?so many years later?I realize that fear played a role in my not flying again for so many years.

What happened was that I decided to fly at an unfamiliar airport. I got checked out by a CFI (Certified Flight Instructor) there and he signed me off. Then I decided to take a friend up for some flying. As dusk rolled around and I headed back to the airport I got disoriented and got in the flight pattern the wrong way. When the control tower told me to take an immediate right turn I did as I was told and avoided a head-on collision with an oncoming plane (who was going the right way in the flight pattern)! That was over 25 years ago. I wish I had gone up again soon after that but I let fear get the best of me. At the time, however, I didn't chalk it up to fear. I just convinced myself that I didn't want to fly.

Yesterday, I confronted that fear and took my first flight (with a CFI). I felt I was in capable hands and so there was more excitement than fear but I realize that I have some fear about soloing which I will probably be able to do after another 5-10 hours flying with the CFI. My goal is to get current and to decide if I want to go on and get my Instrument and, possibly, Commercial license. I'm not going to make that decision until I've gone up and soloed a few times and started to feel comfortable flying again. The potential impact on my recovery is that I could really get engaged with flying which might give me more of a sense-of-purpose than I have now. Without family or friends (in the area) or work to give my life meaning, I NEED a goal to work towards!

I'm not totally without goals however and that brings me to the next big thing that happened yesterday. As I have mentioned here on numerous occasions, I have started a Smart Recovery meeting here in Moab. After 3 weeks where no one showed up, I finally had someone show up last week and she came back yesterday for a second meeting. But while we had a good meeting with just the two of us, I started this meeting to reach the people that really need it and I seemed to be failing at that. So, I called the local radio station last week and made an appointment to come in for an interview. It was recorded and will air this coming Monday, 8/1 on KZMU at 5:30 MDT. You can listen in if you read this before then!

There is still more that I can do to promote the meeting and I'm going to talk with someone in the local justice department about giving addicts that are required to attend meetings a choice of what kind of meetings to attend. Some people?myself included?are turned off by the quasi-religious nature of 12-Step meetings. Smart Recovery is a rational, scientific-based program of recovery with a very different approach than the 12-Steps. I started this meeting to give something to the local community but also for my own recovery. And, even though only one person has shown up, that has helped me to stay sober! I want to set an example for those in recovery and also live up to my own standards!

 

[klarson27]

What were your triggers when you had the relapse 10 days ago?

With all the detailed content you posted I'm just curious how the addiction blinded you and prevented you from using the tools that you've documented in this thread.

It'd be helpful to know.

 

[Anothertry]

Just wanted to say thanks for such an inspiring journal!

Good luck with the SMART meeting - I have found them helpful in the past, although ultimately decided it wasn't the path for me.  I still use some of the tools though. 

It can be hard getting something new off the ground - it can take months sometimes, to get word out there.  I started a meditation group once, which ended up thriving, but started out with just two of us - took about 6 months to grow.  Don't get discouraged too soon!

Also read this in your journal today

"100% Commitment!. He went on to say that he felt 100% commitment was a lot easier than 99% commitment. That really spoke to me. In the past when I said to myself that "This is it. This time I am really committed!" I would find myself in my middle circle?doing those activities which invariably lead to indulging in porn. Maybe I was 95% committed but I certainly wasn't 100% committed. To me being 100% committed means doing whatever it takes! For some  guys that might mean staying offline and for others it might mean finding a medication that works for them

I realise more and more that this is the key.  Not giving yourself the option.  For me, to really do that, I have to keep in mind my motivation for quitting P, to be convinced it's the right thing.  To commit also to doing the positive things in my life that I want to be free of P for.  So long as I can do this I can stay clear as PMO.

Anyway, the main thing I wanted to say was thanks for the encouragement, resources and inspiration!

 

[Anothertry]

One last thing, r.e. the SMART group:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZN0A0U6ysg

Sorry.  Couldn't help it.  But listen to Jim Morrison's advice. 

 

[RuntoSpirit]

Hi PF56.

Congratualtions on your stepping towards flying again.  YOu have seen the underlying sense of fear that led to  your stopping and now  you have looked at that.  I wish you every success as you set additional goals. 
ALso, good on you for moving to institute the SMART recovery program.  I have never been a program like that, but it sounds like I could have benefited from it.  May your recovery be steady and sure.

 

[PF58]

Social anxiety has been a huge driver of my addiction! When I'm feeling happy and centered, it's pretty easy to approach and talk to people but when I'm in a funk I tend to isolate and avoid people. That leads to loneliness and the desire to alleviate my loneliness. I have turned to porn countless times to escape my loneliness. I'm feeling a bit lonely today. I can feel the pull toward porn. But instead of indulging in porn I'm going to take some time to go into this feeling and write about it in my recovery journal.

I recognize that I have to be more proactive about getting out to meet people! I moved to a small town months ago and lately I've been spending a lot of time by myself in my home. A certain amount of time by myself is healthy?reading good books, journaling and staying on top of my To Do list. But I'm aware that there is a certain amount of avoidance going on. Today I came across a post by Neil Strauss that I think is worthwhile to post here. As some of you may know, he is the author of The Game, a seminal book that helped fuel the Pick Up movement. But he wrote The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships, a book in which he bares all. It clearly shows his evolution from manipulative pick-up artist to loving, conscious man. Besides being hugely entertained by his books?he's a terrific writer?I really respect his journey which is now more involved in helping men to become better versions of themselves than to use deceptive methods to get into girls pants. Fortunately, becoming a better man is also a good way to get your sexual needs met!

With all of that in mind, I want to share this list which I think is spot-on!

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF OVERCOMING SOCIAL ANXIETY

? No one is watching you approach and judging you for it. They are just as worried about being judged and criticized as you are.
? Don't worry if you're shy or nervous when approaching; people will be nicer to you because of it,.
? Let go of your outcome, whether it's a phone number or social validation. If you want nothing out of the interaction other than to speak to someone else, you have a 100 percent chance of succeeding as soon as you utter something.
? A rejection is not a comment on who you are as a person. It is simply feedback on something you did.
? Instead of being outcome dependent, be learning dependent
? No one will say anything as insulting, mean, and cruel about you as the things you tell yourself.
? Know that wherever you go, you are accepted. And if you don't know it yet, then act as if it?s true until experience proves it.
? More people than you could possibly imagine are looking to meet someone just like you.
? The only failure is not approaching. Because the pain and disappointment of letting yourself down is much greater than anything someone else can say. 
? And, finally?life is more fun when you open your mouth!

 

[RuntoSpirit]

THis is a great list on social anxiety.  I find it helpful to reflect on it.
Blessings to your recovery.

 

[PF58]

It can feel crazy making to be gung ho about recovery one day and not give a shit the next. The perfect metaphor for this situation is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

It really does feel like I am two people. When I'm on the path of recovery I feel sane and centered. Sometimes, especially at the beginning of a new start, like today, I feel optimistic and hopeful. I think that this time could be different! And it could...but over time it seems inevitable that I start to slide back into old habit patterns. And then, one day, I get triggered and looking at and masturbating to porn seems a perfectly reasonable thing to do. After it's all over I'm left scratching my head, wondering how that happened, wondering where my resolve went.

So, I teeter back and forth between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, between sanity and insanity, between the rational and irrational. I'm on the merry-go-round of addiction and I haven't figured out how to get off. Every time I start anew I ask myself what I can do differently this time and that is where I am right now. A couple of years ago I made a self-hypnosis recording for myself. I'd been to a hypnotist and he made a recording for me which I didn't particularly like. I came up with the idea of making my own recording. I guess it didn't work for me then but I'm going to give it another try. I listened to it this morning and noticed some changes I wanted to make to it. But I know that this isn't enough.

What else can I do differently?? An obvious choice is to apply myself to Smart Recovery. I've mentioned Smart Recovery numerous times here. I started a meeting a couple of months ago and while it hasn't taken off?I've only had one person come to a meeting?perhaps I created it for myself! By applying myself to it, I need to make it a daily ritual just as meditation is. There are lots of exercises that I could choose from so I have to focus in on a few of them. That will be my task today?to figure out how I can use the tools and apply them on a daily basis. What else? I can do some reading and writing every day related to recovery. I've never been very consistent about writing but I managed to write on RN every day for the first month I started the program. Between my written journal and posting online, I commit to writing something everyday for the first 30 days!

There are two things which bring me joy which I have been totally neglecting lately and I notice that I have a lot of resistance around both of them. Playing music and singing has brought me a lot of joy but I haven't picketed up my guitar or sung for months. I want to start doing that today. One way that I've motivated myself has been to create a 100 Day Challenge. This entails doing something musical for a half an hour everyday, either playing the piano or guitar, possibly accompanied by singing. The second thing is seeking out other people. My addiction thrives in isolation! The path of least resistance has been to stay home and watch netflix or read. I have to get out of my comfort zone and make some new friends! This entails being a lot more proactive and creative about finding good places to meet others and getting past any social anxiety that I might feel.

So, to recap, the things that I'm going to do differently this time:

? Read recovery related material every day
? Write every day for the first 30 days
? Play music or sing every day (shooting for 100 days in a row)
? Make a concerted effort to meet and connect with people every week
? Apply myself to Smart Recovery
? Review my goals every day

 

[TK-421]

Hey PF,

I'm sorry to hear about your recent struggles. What you are describing is the insanity of addiction. When thinking rationally, recovery seems like the only rational option. When under the compulsion of addiction, everything else goes out the window - it just doesn't matter. After using, the addict is left confused and wondering what the hell happened to him. Where was the resolve? It doesn't really matter what the addition is - porn, alcohol, cocaine, gambling - the cycle of addiction is the same.

My advice would be to focus solely on getting ahead of the addictive cycle. Recognize that you are an addict and commit to whatever you need to do to break out of using. Recognize that your only priority is to NOT USE. Having a great journal on here or setting up a recovery group are admirable, but maybe ask yourself if they are distracting from your primary purpose (maybe they aren't, I just ask the question). Try to figure out how the slips are happening and take steps to have a stategy in place to deal with that behaviour. For me I have had to be honest about what is included in "porn subs". I'm still working on that. My most recent stumble was caused, in part, by an oversexualized conversation with a friend.  We have to realize that anything that is causing an unnatural dopamine rush is the start back down the familiar road to relapse.

I think you have the desire to quit. In fact, I know you can quit. You just need to realize it yourself.

Wishing you success.

TK-421

 

[Anothertry]

Hi PF56,

I really relate.  One thing that occurs to me is that when you were doing the fortify program you avoided the exercise on planning for failure, if I remember rightly.  On thinking about relapses.

Perhaps this is an area of recovery to focus on?  Think about all the reasons that occur to you to use.  There are some good reasons after all.  its enjoyable - very enjoyable, even.  It's stress-relieving (temporarily).  Think about the counter arguments to these things - it creates more stress long term, for example, and causes more pain in life than pleasure.  Make sure you really understand what the siren voices that call you to use are saying.  What exact words do they use to persuade you to use?  It is essential to understand these voices, because it is only when we can hear them and still say no that we stay quit.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that I think you - we - need to cultivate a mindset that can hold Jekyll and Hyde together.  Only then can we stay quit.  Otherwise when Hyde pops up we just become him. If we've spent time understanding him, planning what to do when he crops up, and even thinking what to do if he wins for a moment, then we can win.

All the best - hope that's helpful,

AT.

 

[TK-421]

Hey PF - Haven't heard from you for a while. Hope everything is going ok.

 

[malando]

There are two things which bring me joy which I have been totally neglecting lately and I notice that I have a lot of resistance around both of them. Playing music and singing has brought me a lot of joy but I haven't picketed up my guitar or sung for months. I want to start doing that today. One way that I've motivated myself has been to create a 100 Day Challenge. This entails doing something musical for a half an hour everyday, either playing the piano or guitar, possibly accompanied by singing.

Hey man, I think we are kindred spirits. I haven't been playing guitar/piano or singing either - and it's my no 1 passion! 

Heck - I studied at a prestigious musical university in Europe and actually teach music for a living and I haven't found time for my own musical life for years. It's been swallowed up in all my responsibilities at home. I lost my music room to the 2 new people who now live with me. I really want to reclaim it. I think there's been a midlife crisis element to it too. I'm 43 now, not sure what I do with my music at this age. I used to do gigs all the time and write/record my own stuff. I used to live overseas and music was everything. Now I'm back home, family man, always busy. I wonder how I get that back. My partner doesn't stop me, but she also loves my constant presence, and ultimately I feel guilty when I take time for myself - like I'm making life harder for her or neglecting my little daughter if I take so many hours for myself. But music needs time. I wonder how I get it back without upsetting things on the homefront.

Hey, this is the first time I've even discussed this. I wonder why it took me so long - it took your post to even make me write it. Things out of balance - that's what messes us up...