The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.

[tenjyou]

@Rockit
Appreciate the advice. Didn't realize there was ad blocking apps for phones. Still definitely go check those out. I've taken away Facebook but kept the messenger since some friends of mine cannot be reached by phone =/

@Zuul
Thanks dude! You all keep going at it. I'd like to believe we all can get over it. Just how badly you want to fix it. For me at least I felt like I could make no concessions when it came to pc / phone / tv use. I have given up all tv and movies. I literally only come to this site, recovery nation, emails and pc games (only with friends).  Forsaken the radio, listening to motivational sounds bits, speeches, and instrumental music

Day 18:
It's weird how sometimes people you never expect to show up in your life again do... There were two girls in HS that I had big crushes on. Haha who doesn't. Wait don't think about it guys. Anyways somehow they both randomly end up messaging me. Nothing can come of it as one lives FAR away and the other is already taken.

Anyways we end up chatting for a while, catching up in the last 15 years we havent seen one another. And after we finish talking I started reminiscing about the past... And when you think about your high school crush obviously certain thoughts come to mind. I literally couldn't deal with it on my own. My thoughts kept drifting back at times I could feel my body moving subconsciously so I literally went to go talk with my parents about the schedule tomorrow. Good bless it, one of the best ways (For me at least)to kill your desire is to talk to your parents. After forcing myself sit and listen to my parent bicker a bit and then talk about the plan for tomorrow my body lost all thoughts of that and I was ok.

Kinda scary though... Past memories are big triggers. Not sure what to do about that now. It's only a conversation and im not even sure if they will still want to talk tomorrow, but regardless it is a situation I haven't run into until today.

Tldr:
Thanks to Rockit and Zuul for posting!

Today talked to old high school crushes. Dealt with fantasy urges by forcing myself to talk to parents face to face.

Things I did well today: had a normal conversation with a girl(granted it was over text but it was normal lol)

Things I need to work on: didn't mention it earlier but dealing with mood swings... Getting frustrated for no reason and realizing that I can deal with these annoyances or bad circumstances without using PMO is tough but doable.

Things I'm grateful for: fate I guess, for getting the chance to be able to talk with my old high school crushes like a normal human being, without the nervousness or anxiety of my teenage years.

 

[tenjyou]

A very late Day 19:

So yesterday I ended talking my mom around nyc. Both she and I have never been so it was an interesting experience, however one thing I failed to remember was that museums have a lot of freaking naked pictures and statutes. Ugghhh. That and we walked everywhere. By the time I ended up getting home I was so tired I just fell asleep.

 

[tenjyou]

... Lol looks like my post yesterday didn't actually get posted... Shiet lol.

Day 20: . . . Again haha

Damn I don't exactly remember what I wrote, but the cliff note version was I never used to be this irritable. In the past 20 years of my life I had always been able to let small things slide and not affect my mood but these past 20 days so many small things irk me. I read that in rehab you tend to get moody and irritable easily but it has already been 20 days. I would have assumed that the irritability would have disappeared by now. Just something I've noticed.

I am not incredibly worried about it as every time it happens I realize that it is happening and I do my best to not let it affect my state of mind but it bothers me that these small matters now bug me.

Anyways... That's really all the insights and thoughts I had yesterday. It was a normal day otherwise. Just had a few hot long meetings / interviews with ppl. Both went well. 'Ite talk with y'all later.

TLDR
Still get annoyed by small things. Not sure if that is normal. Happened like 100x more times in these 20 days than the past 20 years of my life.

 

[tenjyou]

Day 21:

So it's been 3 weeks... quite a long ride from the beginning till now. I've learned a lot and thankfully have not actively gone out looking for porn in those 3 weeks. I still feel that there is a long road ahead, but at least the urges for P/M/O are not as often, nor as harsh as it used to be. There have been times when I would walk into a room and there was a scene on the TV my parents were watching, that I would immediately walk out of that room for. Or other times where I would be driving and while looking for the signs that showed my exit, I would see a billboard with a bikini model, that I would turn my head away from and continue looking for my exit... but I aside from those I feel like I have been doing well.

The main thing I feel that I need to work on right now is my constant urge to stare at hot girls in person. I honestly feel like that is really holding me back. So if I can I might just see if I can avoid any public places for a week and see what happens then... but that will have to be later as I unfortunately cannot avoid going out while on a semi vacation with the family. In this past 3 weeks I have actually had my first morning wood since I was 25 or so... so the first one in 7 years... and not only that it's happened a few times which was incredible. Not entirely sure whether or not sensitivity has come back or not, but I don't want to check haha. Well anyways... I just felt like writing sometime different this time, as it's been 3 weeks, still got a long way to go, but I can feel proud that I've made it 3 weeks with me not actively searching for P/M/O.

If it helps anyone who has been reading this... for me, quitting EVERYTHING, including M/O was what made things easier I think. I had to really be looking at myself and my actions, always making sure I stopped myself if I started to fantasize about something or quickly turn away if I saw an ad, etc... but the main thing is that you do not get down on yourself. All the negative self talk that comes with it is not doing you any good. Something I learned from reading Buddhist books was acceptance. You have to accept you f*cked up, then just move on with your life. Whatever happened is already in the past now and there is nothing you can do about that past event, so accept it happened, learn from it and move on. You grow stronger each time you learn from your mistakes and persevere after you fall. Everyone has blunders, but you got to learn from those (Find out what caused it, the triggers and from now on avoid those triggers) and then just continue on with your life.

I know I've messed up and will probably continue to do so, but I ... shiet I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore... Take it easy yall. Write more tomorrow.

 

[tenjyou]

Day 22:
Not really sure what to say about today... The irritated state stayed for the majority of the day. Saw this in my actions and tried to not let it show but parents commented about my face scrunching up and looking like i was pissed so clearly my intentions were not working, but there is something about holding a well behaved baby and having it sleep on your shoulder while you sit back and just listen to it sleeping that makes you not as angry. I will definitely need to work harder keeping my emotions in check.

All these are coping mechanisms, which in a way is good but if I want to fix it I need to figure out what is causing it and remove it. However, it's hard to identify the root of the issue... why do these small matters bug me so much.

Anyways... just a quite thought for tonight... Gotta wake up in like 4 hours... Keep going strong guys / gals. I believe in each of you.

 

[tenjyou]

Day 23:

You know, the one thing I will write about today is understanding of others. I don't know about all of you but my parents, my father specifically is an extremely traditional, and extremely easily angered person. The smallest things will set him off regardless of whether or not he is with company or in a public place.

One of the things that has helped me has been dealing with the aftermath of my dad's pissed off yelling. He has no qualms about cussing out anyone regardless of where he is or who the other person is which sometimes leads to either very embarrassing situations or dangerous ones.

I won't go into specifics but dealing with his constant cursing and endless amounts of criticism has helped shape me into a much more care free kind of person. I see how unreasonable he is and had to apologize to the people / children he hurt with his words. It's helped me I guess become a lot more understanding of others and patient with myself. I do my best to not let small insignificant things bother me...

Man this is less about rebooting now and more about my own damn problems haha shiet..  I shush on that...

Rebooting wise the only things that really have come up for me is the occasional fantasy I might have which I try to not have. For me at least it has been relatively easy to not think about the rebooting process and not think about PMO when I have a lot of other stuff in my life that I HAVE to take care of. I NEED to make sure hotel are booked for the trip I'm on, I NEED to make sure I have the driving route set and am rested enough to drive my parents long distances, I NEED to make sure my dad doesn't go overboard and do something so reckless it might cause his life to be endanger again.  With all the things I need to do I don't have time to worry about my free time to look at P. I have no time to M or O. By making myself busy I am too busy with life that all of that gets put on the back burner.

 

[tenjyou]

Day 23 - Early Day 24

So I ended up accidentally falling asleep and having my hand fall on the backspace key... I'll keep this post short...

So the fantasies have started getting worse now lol. I've been able to keep them at bay for a while but for some reason, weird things will trigger a thought in my head and that will somehow connect to me thinking about some P fantasy. This is something I can tell I'm going to have trouble with. How to shut my mind off of the fantasies... I'm not really sure. I'll post it that question on some forums and see what comes of it and do some web searching to see if others are having this issue... for now though, sleep lol.

 

[tenjyou]

Day 24 / Early 25:

lol damn I fell asleep again haha... anyways at least my computer saved my stuff...

Wow so today it hit me hard... the cravings, the urges... I actually started typing in google to start searching for porn before i smacked myself and ran and took an ice cold shower. It was hard today.... a lot freaking harder to control myself today. I held on... but it was mainly due to other things popping up and me some how suddenly realizing that I was starting to look up porn and stop myself.

So starting at the beginning of the day.

Early morning, woke up and did my earlier post as I fell asleep during writing it. Then I went back to sleep for a couple more hours and woke up. Mainly played with my nephew and did some casual gaming. The entire time it felt like all the other days of my reboot... nothing serious or major but early morning... kinda wood followed by a small nagging voice in the back of my head about how it would be good to read up on some P fantasies or check out some P material. I've never really had that feeling before, it was weird but I pushed it to the back of my head, took a cold shower, smacked my face a few times, gave myself a small pep talk, watched my nephew and played some games. Sometime during the later afternoon, I started getting tired and was thinking about taking a nap, but there was suddenly the main character of the gaming kissing his companion. Surprised me a bit and suddenly all the thoughts and urges for porn and masturbationg surged into my head. First thing I did was immediately open up google and checked for fan stories with the companion character in it. Found a couple, but didn't actually start reading it. I had the feeling where I wanted to be alone to enjoy and take my time with the story as I was with my nephew and parents at the time.

Right after those thoughts, I immediately went back to the game to quit out, but for some nagging reason I started playing through the game again and forgot I had opened up those fan fiction novels for  my pleasure later on. I ended up 6 hours playing video games and ended up forgetting about it... Afterwards, I went to the park to watch my brother sing. When we got there his group had not started yet. I heard quite a few talented singers. Not like will be famous at singing, but they sang very well. At the park I also happened to see some younger really pretty girls and then my mind went wild. I started dreaming and fantasizing about doing so many things to them then thought of P scenarios with them and me... and then I was thankfully interrupted when a member of my brothers group came up and we started talking. It helped a lot to talk about other things and it kept my mind off of things. My brothers group then went on stage and they were pretty amazing. Afterwards we went out to eat dinner. Dinner was for the most part uneventful. I sat by the window and kept seeing these college girls walk by in gym outfits, yoga outfits and my mind started going nuts again. Again thank the stars for my nephew, but he started crying. We all went over and tried to make him feel better and decided it would be good to go home.

And thus here I am... And thankfully I was able to keep most of my urges at bay, but good god I had no idea how crazy tough that would be...

 

[tenjyou]

Day 25:

Thankfully today was rather uneventful... at least PMO wise. It was a very relaxing day today. If i recall correctly, I had only started fantasizing about situations before immediately axing them in my mind, so the urges were there, but easily suppressible. No major sensations of wanting to watch / read P so the day went by quickly without any real mishaps occurring.

A bit tired right now so I'll sign off before I fall asleep at the computer again before posting this message haha...

 

[tenjyou]

Day 26:

So getting angry and pissed off does not help the urges. In a nutshell had a fight with someone. Ended up on the losing end of it. I ended up by myself, reflecting on where I fucked up, then thoughts turned to other things... lots of stupid things, porn, darker stuff like suicide, assault... in general really dumb ideas. After entertaining a few of them just for the sake of making myself feel better, I knew none of them were good ways to cope although the porn was tempting... I held off and ended up doing some reading. I will tell you all in advance thanks for the messages in case you were planning on messaging me about the suicide thing. I appreciate it and its good to know that there are people out there who will reach out to people who show signs that they are suicidal. Thankfully I am not one of them.

Anyways... yeah... just wanted to put in here that the darker emotions: anger, frustration, vengefulness... all foster thoughts and feelings that make you feel like you've lost control of yourself. In each of those cases you tend to want to escape those feelings and more often than not at least for me I used turn to porn to help make me feel less bad and feel good. Now I don't have that coping mechanism so I had to sit there and deal with those emotions... It sucked haha... I rationalized the statements and understood them. I didn't want to at first. I just wanted those crappy feelings to disappear magically. I knew porn would fix it for me, but I want to be able to live without relying on external sources to fix my internal feelings, so I forced myself to think things through. It took a long while but I got over it.

That's it for today.

 

[tenjyou]

Day 27:

Been staying in the house for the past few days. Very little exposure to the crowds of people, so I thankfully have not had any hot girls to stare at. It's been both a quiet few days and a few eventful days. One thing that has been on my mind is how to deal with the outside. Especially when I'm out in public and there are a lot of hot girls walking around in skimpy outfits. My eyes tend to wander too much. I can pick up on it, and stop myself when I notice but sometimes it feels like its more of a subconscious habit where I'd just look around, see a hot girl, stare at her legs, and then smack myself when I finally realize what I'm doing.

Since I've been away from the crowds it's no worry or bother, but if I head out I sometimes can't seem to help myself but to look around for hot girls to stare at. Maybe if I play some pokemon go I'll be able to focus more on the game and less around my surroundings... Anyways this train of thought is what I ended up focusing on today. I ended up looking up a few methods... one being the Face it/ Replace it / Connect method, and the other being Exposure Response Prevention therapy. Both I was unclear of how it actually works. (For those who are curious the website detailing these methods can be found here: http://yourbrainonporn.com/exposure-response-prevention-therapy-extinction) Both FRC and ERPT are detailed on that page.

With the Exposure Response Prevention therapy, I gave it a shot to see what might happen. It seemed like it was supposed to only be in your mind and not affect your body, but as I did step one, my body started having a reaction and I ended up getting semi hard. Not sure if this was the intended response, I stopped immediately and just sat and completed step two and three. I honestly felt a bit awkward attempting this. It felt more like I was doing something wrong so it wasn't working as intended. Anyways I'll look into it more and maybe try it again at a later time.

With Face it Replace it Connect method, I didn't even bother trying, as I didn't want the same thing to happen so I just researched both more.

For both though it seemed more like something I would not recommend to those just starting here as it's literally putting temptation right in your face and begging you to succumb. Anyways... The rest of the day was a bit uneventful. Had a 2 hour long phone meeting, and had some temptation pop my way in exercise videos my dad wanted me to look through. He needed my opinion on some of the exercises to see which would be most beneficial for him, but the problem was all the videos had hot girls in spandex, or short shorts and workout clothes in yoga poses or what not... it sucked lol. I attempted to look for other sites with diagrams for my dad, but he preferred looking at the hot girls in his videos. Thus I looked at the pose and quickly looked away and thought of all exercises associated with those poses, then moved onto the the next pose, looked away and though of exercises for those and just let him know that those were good for what he wanted to work on. I then left and went to play video games... and now here I am.

Things I did well today: No M/O...
Things I need to watch out for and work on: exposure response therapy thing had me fantasizing about porn. Also ended up looking at some exercises videos. I will hold off on those kinds of exercises.
Things I'm grateful for: I'm semi healthy. My body works as intended ... I can walk and not feel pain.

 

[tenjyou]

Day 28:

I think I've just realized that I've been flat lining for a long time now which might explain why it has been relatively easy for me to not think about PMO. I mean the thoughts are there. When I was bored or tired of playing games, I would go watch some P... recently thought the thoughts still happen, but I can literally feel no joy or excitement from the thought. I can literally feel that going to go watch P or look at pics on the web is a mechanical habit. It's something that I programmed myself to do whenever I was bored or frustrated.

It is a weird feeling. I look back and try to remember the time before this addiction happened and I compare myself now to how I was back then and I can really see how vastly different my body reacts. I realize that this mechanical behavior is not normal, even though I have been living in this state for the past 15 years.. It also makes me realize that this reboot of mine is probably going to take a LOT longer than others.

 

[tenjyou]

Day 29:

So this morning I woke up and was happy then confused because I had semi morning wood. Wasn't erect, but kinda hard lol. In either case happy that there was a reaction, depressed that it wasn't able to fully get hard. But at least there is something. Progress. I'm making some progress! This is practically the first morning wood or one of the couple of times I've had it in the past 15 years.

As for the rest of the day, ended up bbqing and playing games with the family. Was a nice and relaxing day. No crazy urges, no thoughts of PMO. Just an easy going day today.  Hope you all are having a great weekend!

 

[akpal2]

great going tenjyou, the semi hardness is a good start. Things will get better. Don't be surprised if they get slightly worse before they get better but they will for sure get better. Just keep up the great positive routine

 

[Zuul]

Well done. Tomorrow you will reach the golden 30. Hopefully I will be there in 26 days. Keep it up!

 

[tenjyou]

@Akpal2
    Thanks for the kind words Akpal! I will definitely keep it in mind that it can and probably will get worse before it gets better, but I'm in it for the long haul, so it's expected.

@Zuul
    Thanks dude! You keep at it too! 4 days is a good start. I believe you can get to 30 days.

Day 30:
Woke up today, noticed nothing in the below the belt region, unlike yesterday but it was expected. Didn't think too much of it. Had a stomach ache most of the night... won't go into detail on that as I figure you all know what that entails. (bad stuff... real bad stuff lol) Anyways... today was a very relaxing day... went on a hike with the family, did some gardening and took care of my nephew. I was kind of able to curb my staring down. With a few girls I was able to notice them, and then tell myself and force myself not to stare again at them and just focus on where I needed to go. Wasn't easy... that urge to just turn my head and look was incredibly loud and pounding in my head, but I managed to ignore that urge. Only was able to do it twice today out of like 6 cute girls, but better than none! We all had dinner and came back home and now here I am.

Recap 1 month:
So the first month is officially over. I can honestly say I am a bit surprised at it. I know my end goal is still far away, but it feels good to hit a milestone. First one was a week, then 2, then the big one was a month. Next is 3 months... that'll be when I just reread all of my journal entries and see how far I've come, and then keep going at it... or that is the plan any way lol. I will say during this first month, there have been a lot of epiphanies... many *A HA* moments somethings started making more sense. Things like realizing just how much sex is in all media, from radio, to the news, to movies and tv, to video games... it's made me temporarily give up on quite a few things. Through giving up those things I've come to realize that I want to get better even more than before. The fact that I'm willing to stop reading porn, stop watching porn, stop listening to the radio, watching TV of my own accord, watching movies, surfing facebook/ youtube. After giving those things up for a week I realized how badly I really wanted to get better.

Another epiphany was when I realized how long I've been in a flat line. I had never thought about it before... but like in the flatline post... Day 28... I have not had morning wood since I was around 16 years old... kind of scary that I never realized that. Once I did... it kinda hit me hard. I did a lot of reading on flat lining and came to understand that this might take longer than I had expected lol. They say 90 days and intially I had already thought that my problem might be worse than others so I had used 90 days as a starting point. I expected maybe 9 months at most a year... but if I really think about it... if I have been living a flat lining life for the past 15 years, 1 year might not cut it, so we'll see how things go. When I reach a year, I will have hopefully made some progress and can better make goals and plans then. For now focus on that. Focus on my current life and the other things I wish to accomplish as well. If I keep my focus on what I need to do to get my life in order I'll be thinking less about the PMO.

Anyways keep at it you all. I believe in all of ya. Just gotta believe in yourself and actually want and commit to getting better.

**edit**
I was finishing posting some stuff over at recovery nation. Someone there was helping me with the ogling, and staring at women in public... got me thinking more about it... made me read a few posts... Thankfully it's 4am and my brain cannot rationalize as well. There were some important take aways that I wanted to share with you all. The quote was taking from a post by DWilliam from CoachJon.

The problem here is, it is impossible to 'give up' the sexual stimulation that is derived from attraction. It's impossible. As a human instinct, attraction is a powerful and intense experience. And so, you can't simply choose to give up the desire to experience it. However, as a human being, you can prioritize this experience within the context of your other values. As an example, I took the kids to the pool today and there was a lifeguard that was fairly stunning. I looked once and recognized my reaction for what it was. In the past, I don't want to say what I would have done with that opportunity. Fantasy at the least; probably would have tried to secretly masturbate in the pool while looking at her as the 'normal' response (in my sick world). Or at worst, I may have even developed romantic delusions about her and waited for her after work. Followed her home. Let myself get 'lost' in the delusional fantasies for days/weeks.

Today? It took all of about one second for the following processing to take place: "Is she attractive? Yes. Does she exist to be a sexual object for me to ogle? No. Is it worth reducing the meaning of what I have built with my wife and the potential depth of all that I still want to build with her--in exchange for the experience of a lust that directly conflicts with my values? No. Am I going to use this as an opportunity to strengthen my commitment to my wife by denying myself the urge to sexualize this woman? Yes"

Granted, and this may be hard to explain, but it is how I experience it...all of this takes place in a fraction of a second. I don't even process the words (any more, at least). It occurs with the ease of me brushing a fly off of my shoulder. Do I wish that I wasn't attracted to the lifeguard to begin with? Heck yeah. It would make things much, much easier. It just isn't reality. At least, it is not the reality that I have come to know. I have no control over the attraction; I have complete control over my response to that attraction.

As to my thoughts and feelings:
When I was reading through this it all made sense... I could understand yes she is attractive but she was not put on this earth for me to ogle at and stare at. The post talked about values that directly conflicts with the experience of lust from staring at a hot girl... so I started putting efforts into thinking of values that would go against that... all of my thoughts went to the future when I had a gf, when I had a wife, etc. It did not apply to the current me. So I was stumped. I started to write a reply to Kenzo (The nice guy who is helping me out over there) and in the midst of it my brain started to half ass rationalize why I needed to keep staring. My brain brought up the arguement if you neuter your emotions when seeing a hot girl dressed in skimpy clothes you will have a neutered response to when your future girl dresses like that, as well as if you don't have those feelings of excitment when you see a hot girl you won't get the drive to get a girlfriend, etc etc. Can you see the half assed rationalizations due to being 4am? I couldn't for 10 min... and then it just clicked in my head...

wtf is my brain saying? The guy / CoachJon was just saying that while you have no control over if you see a smoking hot girl dressed in skimpy clothes, you can control how you deal with that attraction. Key words being how you deal with that attraction. I can control when I have extreme lust when i see a hot girl dressed in short shorts or that tight skirt or whatever. I can control that behavior so that I only feel that way when I am with the girl I decide to start a relationship with. I CONTROL when I feel that way. All these rationalizations in my head are just that. My brain has been this way for so long it's the norm. Everyone and everything tends to avidly avoid change. My brain is no different. Confronted with the ideas of changing the way it's been programmed for 15 years made it afraid and tried to rebel, giving crappy rationalizations to me to try to convince me that change wasn't necessary or change was bad.

Thankfully it's 4am and my brain sucks at it right now which gave me this opportunity to realize this. I wanted to share with you all this finding of mine.

When you all are confronted with changing behaviors, changing your way of life. What does your brain tell you? How does your brain rationalize to make you believe that changing this is not for the better?

I've been at this for a while now... I've given up PMO for 30 days. I had not given up staring at beautiful girls walking down the street in short shorts(I only realized this now) because my brain was subconsciously giving me reasons why i should not stop looking. Why I should continue to ogle at these girls.  Only now do I really realize what the hell my brain has been telling me.

So take a good look at what your brain is telling you. If you aren't sure, post it here or in your own thread. We can all take a look... okay now I'm facking tired.... lol See you all tomorrow.

 

[akpal2]

great going tenjyou, the first month is not easy to achieve, so well done

 

[tenjyou]

@akpal2
Thanks for the words of encouragement akpal. I still got a ways to go, but I'll get there.

Day 31:
Today was a very calm day. Didn't end up spending too much time outside, but the urges where there pretty frequently. I'd have very little to do for an hour and suddenly BAM... my thoughts went straight to I should go check out some P. Didn't go there, but noticed my thoughts on it. After reading or looking at language text books for an hour and BAM, I suddenly had an urge to go look through facebook. After finishing lunch, BAM, urge to go check out some P sites for role play situations. It was weird how my brain would associate I now currently have nothing to do, I should go PMO. I'm glad that I am more aware of my thoughts now as it has become a lot easier to not do it when I realize that is what my brain is asking me to do. Just have to remind myself of all the frustration I felt after each time I would PMO in the past, or how if I want to get rid of PIED then I shouldn't bother with that stuff... Anyways it's late... I'm gonna head off to sleep... Today again was a bit uneventful aside from those urges... it's becoming a bit second nature now to notice these urges but I'd like to get to the point where I don't think of PMO first when I'm bored...

 

[akpal2]

your self awareness is impressive

 

[tenjyou]

@akpal2

Thanks! It's something that I never used to have but after doing a lot of qi gong classes and learning different breathing techniques it's become quite a bit easier telling when my body is feeling different... for the mental stuff, I can honestly only attribute that to the insights I've gained from no PMO for the past month and really focusing on what I need to do to lead a more healthy productive life, and of course all the community help and information out there. When I feel myself getting an urge to go do something I have written out a plan of action that I always try to follow.

For example:
For me I used to wake up and just go straight to PMO to start the day. It was something that I had incredible difficulty avoiding because even if I forced myself to not do any PMO I still thought about it all morning. I had to create a response in my mind to the urge. After thinking about that habit, I woke up the next morning and remembered that feeling. Whenever I had that feeling in the morning, I would hop into an ice cold shower and really stand under the downpour of water. The water was so cold I could feel my hands get numb when I washed my hair. I had to shock myself so much that I would forget about the PMO that morning. That plan of action has really helped when I felt that urge come on, because I had steps to follow in case something triggered my urges to PMO.

Not sure if that will help you or not, but regardless what you guys decide I know you all can change your thoughts and behaviors if you've put your mind into it!

Day 32:
Woke up with again semi hard morning wood! I was really stoked! Felt like i was starting to see the results of what I've been working on for the past month. It feels great! Had to bend over the toilet to pee inside the toilet.  The rest of the day was more uneventful. I had to take care of my nephew as he was .. yelling and tired... fack... I'm falling asleep... I'll come edit this when I wake up haha... It was a lot of putting myself first. I was studying Chinese and Japanese in the morning and practicing harmonica in the afternoon, early evening I was on the phone dealing with business calls from the west coast, and then came on here.