Another Try!

[DeltaFosAware]

Maledictis, remember YOU are not what you are DOING! You still have choices as well as desires!
PMO is almost a 'forced choice', for most of us its's a natural DEFAULT MODE. Remember we started it in many cases years ago and we'll revert to the common place when stressed, anxious, thoughtful, pensive, shy, hurting and a range of other emotions. Try to deal with these as well and see if that helps your mental state.

Good luck to you and post again when you can!

 

[maledictis]

                  Hi havent pmo dont have net anymore. Its not easy like this. The previous tries i knew that if i want to pmo i could. Now i cant. I have no safety net. I'm angry. I'm angry at women, at myself, at other guys who are obviously enjoying life. I'm so pissed off! I never thought i'd feel like this. I have self pity i feel like sulking at women. Its pathetic but its true. I mo last night it was horrible i hated all of it. Even the orgasm was so crappy. This is going to be really tough i can tell. Much tougher than when i had the internet but chose not to watch porn. Now i CANT watch even if i want. I mean i can but it would be more difficult and definitly not instant like it used to be. Thanks

 

[DeltaFosAware]

Angry at yourself and angry at Women, oh boy can I relate to the 'at women' part of that statement! I used to examine my anger and think 'any particular woman' and clear as a bell the inner voice said 'that bitch that is your Wife, that cow that tore up a picture of your new born son with his Grandparents!'

That event must now have happened over 20 years ago but recall the angry feeling as if I was feeling it all over again as I type these words. I look back at myself and say 'why didn't you just explode with her there and then, why didn't you scream and shout at her as she shredded the small colour print?' Now I know why I didn't and why I inevitably would have PMO'd at some point instead. I was in fact not really ME, that self had not been fully born, even 20 years ago that self was not formed enough to assert its pain at the actions of a third party, or even to express out rage! That self had to roll over, play dead and get along. That self needed that then Wife as a supporting prop, it was not grown enough to survive on its own. It was not grown enough to survive in the cut and thrust of being married but it could easily survive and even get it's REVENGE in PMO! How many times would I breathlessly whisper the word 'BITCH' when I found the ideal money shot? Yes, I recall that driving, punitive anger against the images and myself. I really feel for you as you deal with those feelings.

I can only say that the true growth of self took well over a decade. It might be worth me saying that my old 'not fully formed self' could never have faced the possibility of my own death as I had to last year in a very real sense but this one, the one grown out of pain, fear, fighting, frustration, counselling and even prayer, this one managed it almost without blinking.

I am certain the emergence of this self is certainly through the great liberation of my divorce and behind that has been the diminished need to PMO. I'll always be an addict, just like an drug addict will always want a fix. Yet as the distance grows from where you once were, you realise the new place you are choosing to be... It just takes time and I wish I could give you a fixed figure but that is quite impossible

 

[maledictis]

HI Thanks for reply Delta. That makes lot of sense. I spent too much time cheating, acting like i didnt need anyone cos i had my porn. Now i feel like shit. I feel lonely and like i dont deserve a partner cos i cheated so much with porn. I feel like i'm a nobody a loser. Yes thats it a loser. I lost and wasted everithig.  I ruined everithing. I didnt grow properly like you said. I didnt accept lifes difficulties as they are. Instead i found a secret and easy way out of the pain of frustration, rejection, neediness of female, That was porn. It made me feel almost satisfied, like i didnt need noone. Now i feel like a marginal, an outcast. I cheated life and it like life is getting back at me! thanks

 

[DeltaFosAware]

For ages I think I actually wanted to believe that I did not need anybody and porn would serve my sexual needs in increasingly new and innovative ways. I actually think the only thing that made me stop was having to 'grow that self' because the Wife left, and an understanding that the stuff could well have led me into stuff that could have led me to break the law! It sounds dramatic but I honestly can see how easy that would have gradually become!

I know you feel the way you do now got a reason but you are at last heading in the right direction after so long. Your dependence was like mine and came about for the same reasons! Yet, getting through this face, facing the unendurable is simply something we both had to do at some point! You know, even looking back to the PMO sessions I can NEVER forget the level of arousal those chemicals induced in my body and my brain...You know I had do ex amazing sex in my teens, twenties and thirties but how stupid to say that PMO was ever bettering that REAL sex! I can say that now without in the main using or feeling the need to use! To me that shows not only the strength of the dopamine dependence but also the force of the emotional distress the PMO was avoiding. Sometimes it felt like my head would explode if  I could not dull the emotional pain I was feeling having been verbally and emotionally abused by my ex Wife. I don't BLAME her for the PMO but had life just been different maybe I would never have got stuck in the place of porn. It was like it went from a shelter to a prison!

Stay with it my friend. All things will pass and we can all do that growing. Maybe pints in our lives,somehow 'hang us up" and prevent our growth. Yet we can choose to grow beyond them and even inspire of them...the human mind is so amazing that we can even 'fake it to make it" when all else fails. I know, I've done that too!

 

[maledictis]

      Hi there! 17 days, feels like a lot longer... Yeah i want to grow out of this. I agree with the shelter turning to prison. I tend to get imprisioned in all shelters... Dont know why. Its something to think about. I've been mo twice a week or so. I feel mostly uninterested in anything sexual or relationships. I feel annoyed by anything sexual. But yesterday i started to get interested again. And today i craved porn for the first time. But since i dont have a pc now i cant even debate watching it. However i know that it can come strong and quick and ill be debating buying all the equipment neceessary to watch it. I fear that happens. It would be devastating after. Now i feel better and im starting to feel i NEED (hate to be need) a girlfriend. I'm starting to feel the word "please" forming somewhere inside and i dont like it. I?ll post again when i come to this library. Thank you very much

 

[DeltaFosAware]

Hang on in there my friend! It's funny you say about buying the stuff to meet the PMO need.
I recall decades back getting our first computer. We'd both used them at work and the ex Wife was pretty knowledgeable.

Even buying thing I could not wait to get on dial up Internet, through a phone modem and type in porn! Why the hell did even the word, even the typing give ME a MASSIVE RUSH. You know what I think now? It was about being 'naughty' like some kind of naughty kid. Like being in the Gym with all the other boys at School and getting caught by the PE teacher who gave us the slipper for punishment. Maybe the ex Wife was solidarity and wedded bliss and typing PORN was me holding up the finger to society! Almost like turning round and telling the boss to F*** Off!

You'll make it, stay loose, never hold ANYTHING so tightly that you will not let go!

 

[PMOVictory]

Funny you mention it!

I remember the first time I had internet access, way back then, and being by myself the very first word I typed in were "sex" WOOOOW

Thank God that it is History now! Literally and figuratively...

Stay strong and be Blessed!

 

[maledictis]

            Hi I'm 25 days now  and feel lots of really bad mood swings. I'm starting to think its not just the porn withdrawal... I feel fed up with everything and fed up with myself! I hate my life i hate my job. I want out!!! I dont like it! Nothing interests me nothing amuses me everyone seems dull. Every task, even social and parties seem like such a burden!!! I want to go away! Mo makes it better. At least i can fake some empathy. But if i dont mo i get very anti social i cant even fake a smile as i say hi. I have no expression and everybody irritates me specially women. Very specially attractive ones. And every one notices. Its very bad. Anyway i just cant belive that i NEED porn to function. I was just to dependent on it and must stay away from it to heal. Im really not into people right now... Oh man im not enjoying this. Not at all. Zero. I hate it bad. Feel hopeless. Faithless. Dont know what keeps me going. Well... i really dont have a choice. Its either this or old me which felt better but was a lie and ends here. Hope im more positive next time. Im going back and read everything i wrote and replies. Maybe that helps! Thanks for putting up with me.

 

[RecoveringObjectifier]

Anyway i just cant belive that i NEED porn to function. I was just to dependent on it and must stay away from it to heal. Im really not into people right now... Oh man im not enjoying this. Not at all. Zero. I hate it bad. Feel hopeless. Faithless. Dont know what keeps me going. Well... i really dont have a choice. Its either this or old me which felt better but was a lie and ends here. Hope im more positive next time. Im going back and read everything i wrote and replies. Maybe that helps! Thanks for putting up with me.

Was going to say in response to 'just can't believe I NEED porn to function' that the REAL you does not in fact need porn, but you seem to already know that in your higher mind, where it counts.  Don't really know what to say to help you want to keep thinking with this upper (figuratively AND literally, lol!) brain, but just keep trying to remember that the PEOPLE you saw in pics and videos are just that, real people.  They themselves may not have realized that at the time they allowed themselves to be used, but they WERE being used, and they deserve for you not to be a party to their self-degradation.  We are ALL better people than this!!

 

[maledictis]

            Yeah definitly a sad waste of human life all those infinite hours in front of the screen, just pleasing myself. I just had to. Ididnt even feel like it anymore but still i did it everynight. Sometimes i had a hard time staying awake! Thats how exited i was! I'd fall asleep with my dick in my hand, movie playing on pc, then i'd wake up and feel really stupid and tired and confused and desperate, and i'd think "for fuck sakes just go to bed! Do it tomorrow just go to sleep!", but i wouldn't, i'd carry on search for something new until i was on again or fell asleep again!! This happened many times to me. Hope never happens again! But hey its just for today. For the last 2 weeks or so ive been craving sweets a lot more, and eating them a lot more. Its starting to worry me. From about 2 weeks no pmo ive been eating a lot of sugar.

 

[DeltaFosAware]

Not maybe much of a tip but would advise NOT just re-reading stuff you write down. I found it makes you relive the experience and that means you are more likely to repeat the compensatory behaviour or just dose up again on PMO. Some sense of relief can be experienced by writing stuff down and physically BURNING IT! (A word of caution though, make sure it IS destroyed, in case something ever happens in your area, it's found and then used against you by the Police. They would not know it was fantasy or the purpose of writing it down.)

Another good point, if you talk to your Doctor about some of this stuff, the good ones will NOT write anything on your medical notes. They may put a very general comment on say mood, Meds, symptoms and stuff like that but it will stop there...Sadly, we might like to think our medical notes are confidential but we live in an ever increasing denial of the right to privacy state. It is my sincere belief that no matter what the law says the Police would instantly be granted access to my private medical records. The Government will pretend this could NEVER happen but we know it WILL.

 

[PMOVictory]

maledicts

I hear where you are coming from. Glad that you are so honest and open about your feelings.
I'm reaching 130 days of no PMO and tonight is the worst night I had over this period of time.
One of my biggest triggers is if there are friction and bad vibes between me and the wife.
All I can think of is to go PMO and throw it all over board.

What is making it real bad for me is that my wife is away for the week, we had a real bad fight about an hour ago over the phone.
She is really technologically disabled. Now she is trying to connect her laptop to the internet through WiFi and I'm on the other side trying to help her to the best of my ability. Asking different questions, but not getting the right answers. I'm getting frustrated, she picks up on my frustration and blames me for being irritable, and not willing to help... she is frustrated, I'm getting blamed for something I'm not.... BANG!!!
Recipe for a big fight.
(Why is it that we fight the worst battles with the ones we care for the most...?)
I feel shit. I'm all by myself and I'm furious!!! The first thing that pops in my head is to soothe the pain and self-medicate with a nice session of PMO.
OOOOOO God help me!

I decide to first come to Reboot Nation and see what every body has to say.

I read the replies to my last posts. What a blessing!
There are others with bigger problems than what I have...!
All have their own set of challenges.
Mine is not that bad after all.

I feel better now!
I will not PMO!!!
I will beat this BEAST!
I'm in control!
This is just a test!
I'm passing the test with flying colours!

Thank you God for hearing my cry!
All honour and glory to You!

Stay strong and receive the Blessing!

Amen

 

[DeltaFosAware]

My prayers for you my friend! Remember as it says in the Song The Hurt and the Healer ... 'YOU ATE NOT YOUR SHAME...we're not throwing stones and rather than kick our wounded, we could just pick them up!'

Blessings

 

[DeltaFosAware]

From another post of mine...hope 'quote post works, as this was put on another thread by mistake...'

Blessings and keep going.

 

[maledictis]

              Hi 34 days!!! Still on mood swings etc... I think maybe all this sugar i've been eating and craving since i stopped using porn has something to do with the mood swings. But i have to cut the sugar to find out and it's proving to very hard to quit too.

 

[PMOVictory]

Congratz!

Yea, sugar is very bad and addictive to. Be careful to not shift your addiction to something else!

Stay strong and receive the Blessing!

 

[maledictis]

        Hi 43 days today no pmo!! I only mo about 3 times per week. And yes i switched to sugar. I'm completly addicted to it by now! I'm trying to control it but its like fags. Much milder but similar. ay im feeling a little better now. Plus im getting horny everyday now. Maybe too much. It's easy when i dont have access to porn... I mean sometimes i have access but i choose not to ruin everything again and just leave those situations. Or i call a friend who knows about my situation. Going to read some info about recovery now. Thanks!

 

[PMOVictory]

You are reaching your ? way mark!

Stay strong and receive the Blessing!

 

[DeltaFosAware]

That stuff about mood is so true! I would find that as much as I 'enjoyed' PMO the 'release' it appeared to give left me short tempered even with the kids! I guess inevitably I had used porn to deal with my relationship problems. However, rather than using a delicate tool like you would when fixing say a watch, I'd taken a lump hammer to it and it quickly no longer even looked like a watch. Sure the 'pain in my head' disappeared for a while but the constant battering with the same instrument knocked it well out of the ball park.

I guess I will simply have to live with the regret left behind after being that version of another self, in another place, in another time...It would be nice to be 'regret free' but it's a price we have to pay for being free of the beast and the death grip it causes us to take on our genitals and our lives. Maybe even on our very SOULS.