Rockit's Routine

[Rockit]

DAY 18 PM:

Had a rough afternoon.  Mood just went way down, and I think it's because of how little I fought the fantasies last night, and now I feel guilty.  Hung out with friends in the evening, and that definitely helped.

One more day left on my vacation, although I don't work the weekend.  The break from the grind certainly helped, and we will see what next week brings.  That being said, I'll focus on the now.  The later can wait.

One day at a time!

 

[Rockit]

DAY 19 AM:

I did everything I could to push away fantasies last night, and I feel better as a result.  That being said, I'm checking Facebook more than I have been, and I've been tempted by clickbait web sites.  Clearly I need to cut back on my Internet usage when I am by myself.  I didn't click on anything, but I could feel the urges hitting.  I am not ready to ease back into social media.

Today is the final day of my vacation.  I'm going to try and be productive this morning before I head out on my daily walk.  I need/want today to be a good one.

 

[Rockit]

DAY 19 PM:

I am beginning to wonder if Facebook is my main trigger. As soon as I cut it out, my urges go down. I really don't have much use for it outside of work. I think I shall go back to checking it once first thing in the morning, and that is it.

Had a really productive day, and even though I only had a "little" fun, I think today was a huge win. The house is a lot cleaner, and I wouldn't be embarrassed to have some friends over. That's huge.

Two more days of vacation. I hope it goes well. I really enjoyed this week away from everything.

 

[DavePaular]

Hi Rockit,

Congratulations on your recovery days. I totally agree with you. I think internet and especially youtube and Facebook for me are way too full of suggestive images all the time and because they appear randomly and surprise me all the time. I am realising that it's not necessary for me to spend time on it and if I really want to spend time with useful learning or have fun, I have to chose better what I read or listen. I was saying on my journal that I am spending a lot of time listening to podcasts on iTunes and I carry those when I run, commute or take a break. One I really like is called pornfree radio. It's good to listen to other people's stories and learn useful things about porn addiction... Plus, it's easier for me to listen to radios than to read a lot of blogs etc and I can listen at anytime so it keeps me put at anytime, even more importantly when I would feel tempted to pmo.

Cheers buddy and keep up the recovery

 

[Rockit]

Thanks for the suggestion.  I'm definitely going to check that out.

 

[Rockit]

Day 20 AM:

Went through a wide range of emotion last night.  Couldn't fall asleep, as my mind dwelled on fantasies and negative stuff in my past regarding PMO.  It was really disappointing.  That being said, I tried really hard not to let my mind focus on one.  It was tough, and it really hurt, but I kept fighting.  Eventually, I fell asleep.  I am happy I didn't tolerate that.

Some things popped into my head that haven't in a long time, fantasy-wise, and that's normally when I would start using Facebook and PMO to get rid of the edge.  I see what my brain is trying to do.  I will not stop fighting.

Going to try and make today another productive day.  Going to stay positive, going to keep fighting.

 

[Rockit]

DAY 20 PM:

As I get ready to end my vacation, and as I near my three weeks of daily morning/evening posts, I found myself in a spot I wasn't comfortable in today.

I found myself still checking social media way too much, and as a result, made a small error.  A spambot had added me on Twitter, and instead of immediately blocking the account, I peeked at the profile photo (which was clearly a revealing one).  I accidentally loaded the entire wall, which showed a bunch more, but I quickly closed everything when I realized what I had done.  I was curious enough to click the image in a moment of weakness, when I wasn't thinking about my goal.

One, this tells me I need to be more careful when I am tired in the middle of the day.  Two, I do consider this progress as my brain never used to react to pure pictures.  Three, I recognize this is part of the slippery slope of my brain trying to trick me into being aroused so I will PMO.

After that moment, I started studying my addiction more carefully.  I did my first meditation session in almost a year.  I read many posts, and watched some videos (one of which was "Drop the Rope", which was posted on this forum earlier this month.  I highly recommend it.) while avoiding anything that could trigger me.  I felt it was necessary to re-focus.

At the end of the day, I feel stronger.  I feel like I almost made a colossal mistake today, but quickly fixed it.  I will be staying off social media all day tomorrow, and will do what I can to check things once when I start work (it's a necessity for the job) and then that is it for the day.  The end of this week will be one month clean -- something I've only ever done three times in my life.  I want this to eventually be the final streak I ever go on, but first, I have to "drop the rope" and focus on the positives.  I will try not to dwell on what I can't control.

This was a longer post, but I felt it was necessary.

 

[DavePaular]

DAY 20 PM:

As I get ready to end my vacation, and as I near my three weeks of daily morning/evening posts, I found myself in a spot I wasn't comfortable in today.

I found myself still checking social media way too much, and as a result, made a small error.  A spambot had added me on Twitter, and instead of immediately blocking the account, I peeked at the profile photo (which was clearly a revealing one).  I accidentally loaded the entire wall, which showed a bunch more, but I quickly closed everything when I realized what I had done.  I was curious enough to click the image in a moment of weakness, when I wasn't thinking about my goal.

One, this tells me I need to be more careful when I am tired in the middle of the day.  Two, I do consider this progress as my brain never used to react to pure pictures.  Three, I recognize this is part of the slippery slope of my brain trying to trick me into being aroused so I will PMO.

After that moment, I started studying my addiction more carefully.  I did my first meditation session in almost a year.  I read many posts, and watched some videos (one of which was "Drop the Rope", which was posted on this forum earlier this month.  I highly recommend it.) while avoiding anything that could trigger me.  I felt it was necessary to re-focus.

At the end of the day, I feel stronger.  I feel like I almost made a colossal mistake today, but quickly fixed it.  I will be staying off social media all day tomorrow, and will do what I can to check things once when I start work (it's a necessity for the job) and then that is it for the day.  The end of this week will be one month clean -- something I've only ever done three times in my life.  I want this to eventually be the final streak I ever go on, but first, I have to "drop the rope" and focus on the positives.  I will try not to dwell on what I can't control.

This was a longer post, but I felt it was necessary.

Thanks for sharing this ! And congratulations on your strength and honesty

 

[Rockit]

Day 21 AM:
It's the final day of vacation, and I am officially hitting 21 days of writing every day, twice. I didn't originally have a goal, but as some people say, doing something everyday for 21 days, makes it a habit. I like this habit. I think it helps me keep grounded.

I'm "dropping the rope" constantly today. I am dwelling on guilt and the past, and fear of the future, but I knew this was coming. If this wasn't an addiction or a problem, this would be easy to fix. I am accepting the fact this will be difficult. I am accepting the fact there will be mood swings, and I will feel terrible at times. That's fine. What matters, is I am not going to use PMO as a method of eliminating those feelings.

I am healing. I feel really strong this time, and I want this to continue. When I feel weak, I want to know how to cope in a healthy way, and how to deal with urges/guilt/dwelling/paranoia. Today will be 27 full days clean since my last relapse. I will get through today, and it will be great.

Stay positive me. You can do this.

 

[Rockit]

DAY 21 PM:

Three weeks complete.  I've decided I will continue this, as it helps a great deal.

I went through a ton of different emotions today, which was difficult, but I keep working hard.  I know vacation is over today, and I am back to work tomorrow.  I'm not ready to go back, but I do feel I had a productive week off.

I hope this week will be positive, and I will do whatever I can to make it a positive one.

Here we go!  One day at a time!  Be better!  I will be better.

 

[Rockit]

Day 22 AM:

This one will be short, as I am posting from my phone with one thumb (other has a Band-Aid)!

Back to work today. Alarm went off at 4am, and I actually thought "..wha.. oh yeah." I feel pretty good today, and I plan to be positive all week. Onto day one!!

 

[Rockit]

Day 22 PM:

I really need to be careful with what I am reading online.  I'm researching some music groups, and all of a sudden, I get caught up in a "top ten" list, where the top fact has to do with a groupie.  All of a sudden, I'm curious and I am reading about a very blunt encounter.  The good thing is, I recognize what is happening, and go offline.  I decide not to take a nap, and instead get some chores done around the house.  I realize this wasn't erotica, but reading certain words can set me off -- and I really don't need that kind of research.

It was a productive day today.  Work went well, and I think tomorrow should be a good day as well.  I'll do what I can to make it a good one.

Gotta be better!  Approaching a month, and I am contemplating creating a 30 day coin (similar to Al-Anon) to carry around with me.  Constant reminder!

 

[Rockit]

Day 23 AM:

Having a fantastic morning. Been really busy today, but it's been a good start to the work day. Running on little sleep, but I feel mostly good. Had some major urges last night before bed but I fell asleep almost immediately.

Going back to work now. Let's keep today positive!!

 

[Jfp91]

Keep up the good work !!

 

[Rockit]

Keep up the good work !!

Thank you!!

 

[Rockit]

Day 23 PM:

Napped so long this afternoon. I wasn't meaning to, but I fell asleep on the futon next to the fiancee and she went shopped, and didn't wake me. I hope that doesn't hurt my ability to sleep tonight.

Today was mostly positive, except for a few moments, but I did try my best to turn it around.

Hoping tomorrow will be just as productive as today, without the minor stumbles. Here goes nothing!

 

[Rockit]

Day 24 AM: (posting late, but I wrote this out earlier)

I was very productive this morning, and although I was frustrated with some work stuff I couldn't control, I am leaving it there.  Exhausted, but going out with friends to try and fix this mood.

--  Brief update, it sort of worked?  A few other things ticked me off, but I'm exhausted.  I need a nap and I'm sure I'll feel better.  I'll try and write this earlier tomorrow, but work was so crazy I didn't have a choice.

 

[Rockit]

Day 24 PM:

Feeling much better now. Had a long nap, relaxed quite a bit, and tried to eliminate frustration. Worked for the most part.

Started looking at a few potential triggers, and I think I may be able to eliminate them by making some hard rules before bed. This could be a really good step.

When I wake up tomorrow, I hit thirty days of being clean. I will celebrate, while focusing on day 31. And eventually day 32.

One thing I do need to do is stop with the Facebook. Such a crutch. I need to start cutting back. That could become a problem again.

 

[Rockit]

Day 25 AM:

Getting up extra early this last couple of days definitely has me a little more fatigued by the end of the shift, but it is allowing me to get more work done early, which I like.

Falling asleep wasn't too difficult, but I do remember looking at the clock and thinking, "damn, five hours of sleep? Brutal."

Gotta get to sleep earlier today, both in regards to my nap and my actual sleep tonight.

 

[Rockit]

Day 25 PM:

I almost forgot to make this post tonight. I had a short nap this evening, and I was basically dead right after work. I was groggy all night. I didn't enjoy it.

Hung with various friends tonight a bit which helped. After tonight, I've been clean for 31 days. (I think.) Focusing more on the day-by-day thing.

I want tomorrow to be a good day, so off to bed I go. Having trouble going to bed on time. I'll have to work on it this weekend to be ready for work next week.