Its a process...I guess.

[aquarius25]

Made it home. It was a hard trip. She is still here but it is suffering. My heart just breaks for her because that is not quality life at all. Sad to see her late moments on this earth are like this.

My husband has been a lot more supportive than in the past. I can really start to feel his change. He has been checking in, asking questions, really engaging. In the past, he would have just got really busy and not talked about it because he would run from anything emotional as if it was Ebola! Now he isn't running at all. It is nice to know that I am not alone when something is emotional. That makes me feel like I am more supported. The situation is sad but now I have a partner who can be there with me.

On another note, it looks like we will be moving into our house soon. It is in no way finished or even close but we will be moving into the downstairs and that is a big step. I am nervous but also excited. It will be nice to be there and have all of our stuff in one place. It is also nice to see all of this hard work coming together.

I have also met with the pastor at our church and am taking next steps to get my support group for partners off the ground. It was great to hear that the church is not only supportive but also ready to help in any way they can. It feels like life is moving in a really positive direction.

 

[aquarius25]

Well, I have been trying to make some new friends in this town and there are 3 ladies I really like. I am meeting with one of them today and I am going to tell her about my husband's porn addiction (I have his permission). I am also going to tell her about the woman's group I am starting. She has experience with some of these groups because she is a social worker and has dealt with a ton of different things. I have no doubt that she will be understanding. I am just excited to be in a place where I feel good about talking and sharing this experience with a friend. I don't have fear but more glad to allow our friendship to grow and connect on a deeper level.

Developing relationships as an adult feels harder and more scary for some reason. I am not sure why. My kids make friends so well but for me, it is more difficult to open up and allow myself to be vulnerable. I think children are so brave because they live with complete transparency. They aren't scared of judgement. I hope one day to live more childlike. I can see that not carrying the burden of fear would be very freeing and peaceful.

 

[aquarius25]

Well, we finally moved into our project house. Feels good to not be stretched to 3 different places but also overwhelming because there is still so much to do. Just trying to take it one step at a time. I can see how happy my husband is because he gets to keep working on the house in evenings and is not away from the family. Already he has been engaging the kids in more the work. Our son was helping is various tasks and they even helped move a bunch of boxes. He has been teaching them electrical work too (he is also an electrician). So in that way, it's nice.

Our Thanksgiving was bittersweet. The aunt I recently went to see one last time finally passed away. I am glad that she isn't suffering anymore. I am also glad I went to see her when I did. I totally believe that if you can see them before they pass that is better than just going to a funeral. It was good to connect one last time and say goodbye. The kids were also impacted. This is their first experience with loss. I think after seeing her they understood why it's ok. We have had some good conversations and overall it has been a good opportunity for them to learn these tough lesson.

 

[aquarius25]

Well, we are all moved in and getting settled into the construction zone. We still have a few things downstairs to do and the upstairs hasn't even been started so still a long way to go but we have made good progress so far. I had an interesting experience this morning. When unpacking a bunch of stuff I came across some pills that looked like they could have been viagra. My husband uses to use that without telling me hoping it would help his ed, it didn't. Anyway, at first, I was totally triggered! I wanted to scream. I showed it to have and he was super surprised. He said he sincerely thought he had thrown all of them away. I could tell that he felt like this was bad. I could see he was being honest and didn't know they even existed. I found them at the bottom of a drawer that we have had packed for a while. I know this was not intentional. He immediately threw them away. I didn't blow up. I didn't let it ruin my day. I just went on with things. I wish he had at least check in with me and said something like "hey, I know this is upsetting to you, I am sorry for that". He didn't really acknowledge that I could be upset. I think he was caught totally off guard and wasn't sure what to do, lol. I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt but I will mention later that he missed a moment to be encouraging. The positive is that I didn't let it ruin my day. A year ago this would have been bad. I would be crying, upset, and wouldn't even want to be around him. Now we can work alongside each other, have a conversation and I am ok. That feels like progress.

 

[Gracie]

Good for you!!! That is a big deal to handle the discovery!!!  A couple years ago, I went through a drawer to get something I had put there for safekeeping in his dresser that he does not use.  There was a old (from the 80s) lingerie catalog there.  It took me a little to get past it. Because that meant it had gone on at the beginning of our marriage.  But, made it through.  We can only hang on to the change we have experienced with them and go forward.  Looking through the eyes of love. 

 

[aquarius25]

Feeling a bit triggered today. A friend of mine just sent me an article about Brock Turner, the college kid who raped an unconscious girl and then continued to victim blame as an excuse to not be charged. Well, apparently he is appealing his already light sentence. Anyway, part of what she highlighted to me in disbelief was the comments to the article. Mixed in the long list of people who find his behaviour appaling is this other narrative. This attitude of, "she consented before she passes out, what the big deal?" Unconscious people cannot consent! Men or women, if you are unconscious you are not saying yes to sex. Why does this even need to be said? Isn't this common sense?!? I really don't get it! Like at all! How is this even a thing?! Also, why is 6 months of and probation considered enough for a man that has changed forever a woman's life? I really don't understand this at all. Things like this bother me at a visceral level. Why do we value people so low? Why can't we treat humans (men and women) as human? This is ugly, no two ways about that. It bothers me that I see and experience this ugliness in my life and the hurt comes from those I love most at times. Why can't we spend this much time focusing on loving and affirming each other?
Feeling really heartbroken for humans

 

[malando]

That's appalling, Aquarius. I read another report about a 23 year old man in Finland who raped a 10 year old girl and was acquitted of the heavier charge of rape on the grounds that  the court was not able to determine if the girl was ?unable to defend herself and express her lack of consent?. This is a 10 year old girl! Do we think she could give consent, or that she could have defended herself? So shocking! He was given a lesser charge of sexually abusing a minor. He only gets 3 years for destroying a little girl's life. Did he get lenience for being a migrant? If we can't even draw a line here, where will we draw one? What's happening to our standards in society?
I'm beyond horrified at this.

Here is the report for anyone interested.

https://voiceofeurope.com/2017/11/finland-no-aggravated-rape-sentence-for-23-year-old-migrant-who-raped-10-year-old-girl/#.WiBJkIsDq8s.twitter

 

[aquarius25]

Well, another year passes. Our wedding anniversary is on Sunday (It's currently Monday so 6 days). I have mixed emotions about it. We have been talking quite a bit. We both are aware that if I had known what I know now, well if I am going to be completely honest, I am not sure I would have taken those vows. But alas we can't change yesterday, I do love him very much. Maybe I am glad I didn't know because I want to be married to him, it's just so much pain too. I think if he had been honest with me and came to me with an attitude of willingness to try and wanting my support then yes, I would have married him in a minute. But the lying, it's really hard. Since D-day, there have been several little things that have leaked out. I feel like as of now, I know everything that has occurred to him to communicate. I don't think he is intentionally hiding anything. It just makes me wonder if there is other stuff that he hasn't thought of to tell me? It's out there looming like a bomb, waiting to drop at any moment. The next week is going to be really crazy and I know a lot of emotions will be all over the place. I am trying to prepare myself for that. We have our son's birthday on Saturday. I still can't believe that is will be 10! My heart is a little sad at how fast he is growing up. Then our 14 year anniversary on Sunday. Then the following Tuesday we fly home to spend 3 weeks with family. I know I will be seeing friends I have missed, some of which were the center of my husband's masturbation fantasies. We aren't in that place anymore and he has done a lot to improve but I also know that coming face to face again is also going to hurt a bit. Being saturated with all of those ladies again and right after an anniversary is a very trigger opportunity. So today, I am going to try and rest my emotions. I am trying to be appreciative. I am trying to communicate and stay positive. I am trying to look to the future because the past feels like it is breathing down my neck and rest to pounce at any moment.

 

[rebootrapp]

I?m sorry that the wedding anniversary is causing you anxiety, my wife is very much the same way around our anniversary.

I wish you peace and joy as you see family and friends again.

 

[aquarius25]

Thanks, Rebootrapp.

I know I am not alone in feeling that way. I think it's like anything that you experience a trauma in, it just brings up sad memories. I have thought a lot about it over the weekend as we are getting ready for the trip and everything. I am wondering if in a few years we should do some sort of vow renewal and reclaiming. We are now at 14 years of marriage (we were really young when we got married, lol). I am thinking maybe at 15 or 20 we should do some sort of vow ceremony with new commitments, new promises, to celebrate this new us. It feels like that sometimes. The relationship we have now is very different than before D-day. There are things that are better than the old and there are things I miss. The innocents and mad love are gone. In its place is a more mature appreciation and admiration for what we have accomplished in staying in this relationship. I still am not totally sure how to work this shift as I don't feel like I totally understand it myself but it's there. THings are different.

I am preparing for our trip today. Last min laundry and getting packing done. Cleaning the house (I hate coming home to a messy house). Overall I am just staying busy but I finally sat down and decided to come on here and read and review how I am feeling. I am actually excited. Nervous, anxious, but also excited. I see that as a good sign. I have already had friends who were on my husbands M list contact me and want to get together. I do actually want to see some of them. I am glad that I don't have to see them every day but I am excited to connect and catch up. It feels like the visits can be just long enough that I can appreciate the friend but when the emotions bubble up and I wrap it up as we have lots of people to see. That is my hope anyway, lol. We will just have to see.

 

[aquarius25]

Well, we are back. It was a long visit but overall pretty good. We had a few things come up but we both communicated quite a bit and worked through everything. It was great to see old friends and catch up. Sometimes it was hard and a little sad but I would just remind myself that the past is the past and that we are in a new place. Continuing to look to the future helps so much! I feel like I have really said goodbye to some of the not to great relationships and it was nice to not have to invest much time into them. I did run into a few big triggers and I can see how not living there is really helpful. I am not sure how I would have been able to move forward with some of those ladies constantly in my life daily. It would be a lot harder. For that I am thankful that we are not there anymore. There are so many things I miss about that area but most of the things are just related to the mountains and ocean not necessarily the people. I do have a few good friends that I miss but we stay in pretty close contact so it feel ok to have some distance, I don't feel like I have lost anything. I feel, instead, like I have gained so much. I am really glad to see my husband and I in a better place. I feel like this visit was confirmation that we made a good choice to move. That feels good. There were times when I would wonder or doubt, now I feel really sure, it was the right thing to do.

The hardest part was the kids. They really miss their friends. Neither of our kids have really found friends like the ones they had. I can see that they really miss their friends and just having some good kids in their life that really understood them, especially my son. My heart breaks for him. I keep praying for the right friends to come into his life, it is so important. The truth is the kids are the biggest losers in this whole mess. They didn't ask for this ,they have no control over anything and they are the ones that lost the most. I am not sure how I will ever be ok with that. I know keeping our family healthy and together is so very important, I am just sorry it has to be at the expense of their friends. Well its a new year, maybe this will be the year they make some good friends? I really hope so.

 

[Gracie]

AQ25, Good to see you back!  I moved a lot as a child.  My dad was in the military and moving and making friends was status quo.  You had a martal crisis to deal with.  As this has healed a great deal, there will be time to have you and your husband be with the kids.  Once the relationship gains its sea legs your children will gain theirs. 

 

[aquarius25]

Getting back into our routine again since we have been home for a week now. I am glad to be back. It has been pretty cold and we even have snow. That of course makes me want to bake all the time! I love to cook and when it is cold there is nothing more heart warming than an oven going with something made from the heart. We had some friends over last night and I was able to cook some food. I made fresh hand made pasta, salad, and even some homemade cinnamon and chai spiced cinnamon rolls. They seemed to be a hit. I was surprised by how many people had never had handmade pasta before, crazy! I really enjoys cooking for everyone. I am really beginning to learn more about myself and the think I get so much joy out of. Cooking is defiantly one of those things.

Things with my husband are good. Slow and steady. Overall I have a lot to be thankful for!

 

[aquarius25]

I need to confess and own something.

Things are going alright. Had a frustration which led to an argument this evening. I noticed something interesting. When we argue about anything I always think about his porn addiction. That is so very not fair to him, lol. Lots of couples argue every now and then. It is just what happens when two people decided to share a life together, you can't agree 100% of the time. If we didn't have this as part of our past then we would still have had the argument we had this evening. I am the one that relates it to his porn addiction and it make me feel frustrated and triggered. I am the one doing that. He isn't bringing it up or throwing it in my face, I am. I have chosen to forgive him, it is not forgiveness if I bring it up every time we don't agree. That is not real forgiveness. I am choosing real forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't a one time thing, it is a constant choice. I feel like I have to choose it again every time we argue. That is not his fault, I am taking responsibility for this one. Its hard, the hurt is real, but I don't want to keep this habit up. I don't want to live here like this. I am trying to break this habit. I want to be able to argue with my husband like a normal couple, without porn addiction coming into the mix every time. Even when I don't bring it up, I am still thinking about it, and it hurts. I can see how it impacts my words and I can feel the specs of resentment building. I don't want to be that person. This road to healing is a long one. I am learning so much about myself and how much I need to work on being a more genuine, kind, and forgiving person.

Any thoughts or advise is greatly appreciated.

 

[aquarius25]

So after peeling back some of the layers on last nights argument and my feelings of triggering I have noticed something else. Most of the time the disagreements are around small things that he has said he would do and is falling behind or not doing. This comes back to integrity for me. I think the reason his porn addiction come up is because I feel like if he isn't his word around this small mundane thing than I wonder what else he isn't his word about. The trust still isn't there yet. The trigger is me feeling and questioning weather I can trust him. In a way that is good, it means that in all of the other times I am slowing learning to trust him more, we just aren't there yet. I think that is ok. It took 14+ years of lying and deception for create this hurt, it will probably take just as long to repair it. That is ok. I think it is good and important to realize, recognize and understand what is occurring and talk about it. I am realizing one of the things that porn addiction has impacted is our ability to have simple disagreements. Anytime he is not his word porn addiction always comes up, not because I am not being forgiving but because there is fear of being lied to and hurt again. I am not trying to throw it in his face but more because I am worried that he is hiding yet again. When you live with someone and share everything with them. When they have allowed you to think for over a decade that it was reciprocated and you thought you knew everything about them only to realize that the world is not what you though....that is a very nerving feeling. It is scary, and it makes you second guess everything. I am constantly questioning things I thought I knew, eve still! Even a year and a half of him clean the scars are still very fresh. I am not going to say it won't get better, because I know it will. I just think it is important to understand and know where I am today and be ok there. I am not rushing this process I am just trying to learn and heal everyday a little more than the day before. I am still here and I am still committed.

 

[malando]

Hi A25, I think you are doing a good job in working out what's behind your feelings and reactions. I wish everybody would do that rather than waltzing through life believing that their own feelings represent the actual truth about every situation. Feelings are not facts, but they do point us to where we are not resolved, convinced or confident about things. They are like sign posts to look out for things, but they aren't the things themselves. The real world, and other people are very complex and it's easy to get the wrong idea of what somebody is doing based on what our feelings are telling us. So good on you for challenging yourself and examining your feelings and trying to verify whether they are objectively true.

It does sound your tendency to feel let down when promises aren't delivered upon is very strongly related to how let down you felt about learning that your husband was using porn behind your back for a long time. That reflex will be with you for some time yet - and it might take a very long time before there is no reflex at all. But I think if you continue the way you have been, the gradual restoration of confidence and trust will take care of that. The only reason that wouldn't happen is if a new betrayal happened - and there doesn't seem to be any sign of that happening. So take solace in the fact that as long as you are both still working on your communication and honesty, these reflexes will weaken over time and eventually extinguish themselves.

In the meantime, try to consider whether him not meeting promised targets could be more to do with other factors other than a disregard for you. Some people struggle with estimating what they can realistically do. They tend to be overly ambitious and honestly believe they can and will do X, Y and Z by Friday, when in fact they might only be able to manage X and Y - or even just X. It's something that can take a while to come to terms with, even when it's been pointed out many times that they tend to fall short on their promises practically every time. Sometimes such a person will feel like if it weren't for this thing or that thing that came up, they would have made good on their promises. But a more pragmatic person anticipates things that might come up and factors that into his plans and time estimations.

In the end, it's not really about letting somebody down (although that can be the outcome for the other person), it's about time management and having realistic expectations. For me personally, I dislike having other people set timelines and deadlines for me. It's an uncomfortable pressure for me and it doesn't bring out the best in me. I always get more done when I set goals for myself and I'm not promising them for somebody else. I might fall short of my own goals, but at least I don't have to feel like I let everybody down if I come up short sometimes. I think most people are more productive when they feel empowered to set goals this way. So my advice would be to let him know what you want done, but allow him to think about the time frame for a while, but not set too strict timelines unless it's a short term project. Sometimes you have to get part way into a job before you can even know what it entails and what roadblocks might come up. That might be a lack of experience or foresight, but it's not necessarily a lack of effort or respect for others who are affected by it.

I also think some of this might be related to coming out of the fog of porn use. I think most people take a while to rid their brain of a lot of scattered thinking after quitting an addiction. You might find that a lot of this stuff steadily improves with time because the clarity of thought is still making its way through the fog. Being addicted to anything is a very confusing state to live it. It's like having an intellectual disability. It seriously impairs judgement and rational thinking and planning. I wouldn't be surprised if there are still improvements coming in that area over the next few years. Over time I have learned to under-promise and over-deliver - but it took time for me to get to that. Previously I used to think I could paint a house in a day! It takes time to recalibrate a brain.

I don't know how much of this is actually applicable to you and your husband, but I thought I'd throw a few thoughts your way and see if any of them resonate. You're still there, and you're still committed - so that's a great sign!

Best wishes,
M

 

[rebootrapp]

Sorry you?re having these thoughts, but I?d imagine they are shared by every person, male or female, in your position.

You brought up ?throwing it in his face? a couple of times, and that would be a conscious choice to be hurtful. But I get the feeling you?re not actually doing that, it?s just crossing your mind, and I think that?s just being human. Give yourself some grace! Some things aren?t easy to forget. But you are performing the loving act to forgive your husband and uphold God?s wish for marriage. Be proud of that.

All the best!

 

[Gracie]

Boy, there are a lot of thoughts that jump to mind when I read your post.  Sometimes I get weird.  I think look at him his life has just went on.  He gave up porn and just continues on his way. Because the only surprises he had were how badly it bothered me and he had to stop

Meanwhile,  we were in a situation where are whole sense of worth, our marriage, and basically our view of life was turned upside down.  We did not know who we even were.  Etc. Etc. (So I don't start down the rabbit whole). And then after this we try to help them get well. 

I know I told him there was no way he felt the viseral pain I felt at all this.  Because he knew what he was doing ie porn.  Sometimes I would lash out because I wanted him to see how painful it is to me.  I still feel pain now every once in a while.  For us the solid rock marriage we thought we had was untrue.  He did not experience that while doing his behavior. To us our husband changed.  To him he was the same.  He says I was all he wanted but looking at others in whatever form and then masturbating does not line up with that thought.   

So the porn thing stays in our brain I think more than theirs.  We do not want to be hurt like that again. So part of the betrayal healing is it cannot happen again, so we ke it close and keep watch.  It does get so we do not feel this way as often.  Because it doesnt for me but it is there .

 

[aquarius25]

Wow, thank you everyone for the great feedback! I feel really encouraged. Sometimes I feel like I am writing in here to a void, it is nice to know that I have such great support and it makes me feel connected to others with understanding. Thank you so incredibly much!!!

I think you are all right. Reboottrap, yes I do tend to hold myself to a sometimes unreasonable standard. I probably should give myself some grace.

Malando, I think you are also spot on. Porn aside he is absoutly terrible at time management and organization. I some ways I have a third child to clean up after, lol. He is a really hard worker but I just see how he could be so much more efficient if he was more organized. I probably need to give him more grace in this area too. We all have things we need to work on, I am certainly no picnic myself, lol.

Grace, I really see your point as well. I think that is one of the many tragedies of this whole addiction. It changes and scars couple for a lifetime. There are certain things that other couples can do (like have a simple disagreement) and not have it trigger something bigger. I can see how for any other person I would naturally have a tendency to cut them slack when they aren't their word with every little detail. Unfortunately because of the deep hurt I have experienced here I tend to have less grace sadly and am more in a state of caution. I know that time will help this. It is important to understand where it is coming from and it is even more important to have that conversation with him. I did so over the weekend and we talked about how difficult it is when we disagree and the different areas that are triggering. We need to be in a place where it is safe for both of us to no agree on everything. It would be unrealistic to think we should agree all the time, lol, that is nuts. I think communicating the upset and where it is coming from help the other person have understanding. I told him how I was feeling and he admitted that he didn't even think of that but he could totally see where I was coming from. He saw some of the ways that his response may have made it worse and I acknowledged how I allowed my emotions to go a bit nuts as well. We talked about what we both could have done better and at the end of the talk we were both in a better place. I am glad that we have put in the work to get to this place. That in and of itself feels like a win for us!

Today is his birthday. I was thinking about him, who he is, who he was, where he came from and where he is wanting to go. I am really impressed with his determination to improve himself. He does try to put his family in high importance, he is learning to love more deeply. That is something that he was never really taught or even experienced as a child. He is making incredible progress. I hope he feel honored and love today. I am hoping that it is a day he can celebrate who he is because he really is an incredible person and I am glad that I am in a place where I can see and appreciate that.

 

[aquarius25]

Well things are going fairly normally. Life if finding a decent routine and everything is going fine. I had a weird dream last night about my husband relapsing and I found out. It was really weird. I had to think for a while about weather or not I should be concerned since things have been going to goo. I have decided that I have nothing to stress about. I am sure it is my subconscious and I am going to continue to keep my forward momentum going.