Its a process...I guess.

[aquarius25]

Well its been a few days since i have posted. I have actually been a bit down. Nothing in particular is really wrong, just feeling sad, lonely, and having a hard time adjusting to life these days. Lots of incomplete in all areas of my life. I feel like I am trying really hard but nothing seems to be coming together. It has been a huge hit to my confidence. I have a birthday coming up soon. I share my birthday with my daughter. I got preeclampsia when I was pregnant with her and had a rushed c-section on my birthday. I don't mind sharing my birthday, I usually love it! For some reason this year has been hard. She is turning 8. I love to honer her on her day, but over the years the sharing has basically become her day. I thought about it and I havn't received a birthday present or anything from my husband since before we had kids. He doesn't even plan a date night or a dinner out. We just don't celebrate me. I usually don't care but for some reason I have been bothered by this. Maybe because he has done so much work on his recovery. He is trying really hard and truly becoming an amazing person yet at the same time I feel like he still doesn't see me. I feel like he still seems to be consumed by himself first. Between that and the kids, I just feel lost in the mix. I don't like demanding for complaining for someone to see me. It just feels so unauthentic then. So that is where I am. Man this post really sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, lol. I guess I am.

 

[PE30]

Hey, just thought I'd write a word back as you're always so encouraging to me!

I'm just trying to think how my wife deals with me when she has a need / expectation that I'm not meeting. She seems to manage to do it in a way that stirs me to action but without making me feel rubbish / compounding my guilt. Have you and your husband read The Five Love Languages? I thought it might be quite cheesy (and to an extent it is) but I think it acted as a good conversation opener as to what makes the both of us tick.

It's really encouraging to read your story, and it's also a sobering reminder to me to stay clean, for the sake of my own wife.

 

[aquarius25]

PE30, thank you for your encouragement. Yes we have read the love languages books. We have even read the ones for parenting and educating as we home school. If you have kids understanding your kids love languages is so important.

I have talked about them with my husband and mentioned recently even. I think that is part of what reinforces my feeling of lack of importance. He does fully understand and know how I receive support, love, and what my needs are. I have clearly spelled them out numerous times.  For a long time my self esteem was so low that I felt that maybe I was asking too much, but I am finally in a place where I realize that no it is not too much to ask for a happy birthday and at the very least a card on my birthday. Even if its just a piece of printer paper folded saying "hey happy birthday, I love you". Seriously it has been about a decade since I have received that. I make him a meal of his choice and a cake for his birthday every year because he loves food! I even threw him a dessert party this year. I baked an entire tiramisu cake from scratch and cream puffs! I made the pastry, custard, chocolate ganache, and whipping cream all from scratch! Plus my birthday is only 2 1/2 weeks after his. So it's not like he forgets since his celebration is fairly recent. Unless I schedule it, it doesn't happen. That is really sad. I am sure I will talk to him about it tonight. The the routine will continue. He will feel bad and agree that he should do those things. Then for the next 3 week (at most) he will be really great and communicating appreciation. Then goes back to the same thing. I am tired of having to bring it up. I wish we had a new routine. It just makes me sad. I love him and am not going anywhere. He is still my best friend. I just wish my need were more at the forefront of his mind as his needs are in my mind.

 

[aquarius25]

Well yesterday was my daughter and my birthday. My hubby finally did something different than the norm. After talking with him and telling him, again, how I feel he asked me what would make me feel special. Normally he would go out and buy some random gift and apologize all over himself but I feel like this time he actually head what I was saying. I told him the only thing I wanted is to work on a project together. We are living in the downstairs of a project home. Progress has been slow. I said I would love to finish sanding and painting the staircase. SO we did. We had a party that evening and it looked so great! When it comes to love languages I am a "quality time" and "acts of service" girl. This was both and it meant so much! We had a bunch of friends and kids over. I made matzo ball soup, and gourmet build your own grill cheese. I even made all of the different breads from scratch. My daughter asked for me to make a cheesecake with a brownie bottom, chocolate ganache topping and fresh strawberries, so I did. It ended up being quite fun! I was able to finish a project that I have been chipping away at, I got to bake with my kids (I love that!), and spend time with my family. That was the perfect birthday.

 

[PE30]

Just scrolling past the spam... That sounds like a lovely birthday! I'm really pleased for you. Food sounds delicious too.

 

[aquarius25]

So the weekends went well. We had our family day Sunday and after church took the kids to an indoor swim park. It was so nice to relax. The kids swam and my hubby and I got to sit on the side and read some books, visit, and just put our feet up and chill. It was really great.

This week I am preparing to visit my sister. She is about an 8 hr drive away and I am going with just me and the kiddos. Her house is really difficult to visit because her son is the same age as mine and she doesn't monitor her son's screen use at all. He has an xbox, ipad, tv, iphone,  and computer all in his room! Our boys are 10 and I know that is the age that some of the men on here got started at. I don't allow my kids to use screen in other rooms that adults aren't in. We limit their screen time to about 3 hrs per week in total. Her son is on a screen all the time. We went camping last summer and he didn't have his phone and he had a total tantrum. He kept trying to use our phones. He would literally pick up my phone if he saw it laying on a counter and try to use it. Anyway all of this to say it is tricky being a guest and still being consistent to our parenting. I have talked to my sister about our rules and she knows about my husbands addiction but she doesn't really think about maybe turning off the tv when we are visiting. It can be really triggering. I am praying for peace for the trip, safe roads, and an enjoyable visit. Or at the very least I can be thankful its only 2 nights, lol.

 

[aquarius25]

Just trying to be consistent to posting. Not much new. Feeling at peace with the trip this weekend for now, lol. Just trying to get everything ready to go (meaning I better deal with the pile of laundry so I have clothes to pack, lol).
Hope anyone reading this is having a wonderful day!

 

[whereismoxy]

dang, your newphew sounds...like fun? 

but in all seriousness, enjoy your trip with the kids!  and i'm proud of you for your efforst.  not many men or women are able to front this addiction like you.  and like you said, it is a process. 

be safe, & make it a great day!

 

[aquarius25]

Made it back home safely. It was a long drive 8 1/2 hrs each way. This trip was ok. Lots to ponder and process. My sister's son is the same. It is not enjoyable to visit as I am constantly watching the kids. Makes me feel like I can't relax. My hear breaks for my nephew. He doesn't talk to others well. For a while I even wondered if he is autistic but my sister has had him tested and he is not autistic. He doesn't express life like other kids. All he wants to do is play on his phone and ipad while watching tv. If you turn off one of those he get mad and throws a fit. He is 10, it is sad. My kids aren't allowed to have that much screen time so half the weekend was spent with my sister irritated that I wouldn't just relax and let my kids be on screen for the entire day because she wanted her son to play with my kids and my kids were playing outside in the snow. He went out for a little while but for the most part my kids built a snow castle with tunnels and everything, they road snow mobiles, and had a snowball fight while my sister's son watch tv and played on his phone. He misses so much in life. That future just doesn't seem as bight.

 

[aquarius25]

Well life just never slows down. I have been doing laundry and packing for yet another trip. At least the whole family will be going this time. It is just not the same when it's just me and the kids. We are heading out a few states away to drop off an order at a new retailer and figured we would make a weekend out of it. I have been researching fun places to check out and am so excited to see the art museum! I LOVE art, lol. Even our kids get excited about art museums, it just makes me so happy to see them have an appreciation for creativity! I also love that we home school and have the freedom to go on these trips as a family. Looking back over this process since D-day I am realizing just how therapeutic these trip have been for me, us, and our family. I am so appreciative we have the opportunity to travel, and enjoy time together. Very much thankful for this life!

 

[malando]

Sounds lovely, Aquarius. Hope you have a great time with your family. 

 

[whereismoxy]

how is your husband doing with his P addiction?

 

[aquarius25]

@Malando, thank you it was a fantastic time!

@moxy, my husband is doing well. He hasn't looked at porn in almost 2 years. We have both completely rebuilt our lives and marriage. He has and is still digging into his root causes and participates in a support group that meets in person. We have both completely changed our lives and rebuild and are still rebuilding our marriage. It has been a long process and it's not over, but we are so far from where we were at D-day.

So we just got home from our trip. It was fantastic. The family time was awesome! I also liked how even at the hotels in the evening the kids didn't even ask to turn on the tv. I am so glad that we have removed the dependency of screens in our lives. We use them to enhance our life of to control our life. We did watch a bit of the Olympics but other than that we would curl up to some books after a swim in the hotel pool. It was great. We took two days and went to some museums, the kids learned even more about different types of art and even got the try to make some stuff themselves. That was a lot of fun! The museum even had some original painting of some artists that I love and it was so amazing to see actual brush strokes and everything. The originals were even better than I imagined! We found a few really cool funky parks that we all enjoyed and we discovered two really great local book stores on the trip. The business end went well too! We make lights and the place we were delivering too was so amazing. It was a race track and they had so many cool cars. Everyone was so friendly and they even let the kids sit in a few. I have never seen so many farrari's in one place (that is not a car dealership) in all my life. It was nuts! We were even given a race scheduled and told we were welcome to come watch any race free! My  husband and son were on cloud nine! My daughter and I would probably skip that one, lol!

Overall I am thankful. I am glad to be in a place where I am enjoying my family and I know my husband is a big part of that. I am so glad that we both have committed to making this work. Numerous times my hurt was overwhelming and I wondered if I should leave. Those hurts still come up but more and more I am confident that we can handle it together. Our family is stronger together rather than apart.

 

[whereismoxy]

wow, your family sounds awesome and your kids sound like they are going to grow up to be cool little people too!  im thinking of volunteering to coach kids basketball soon & i have little to zero experience with kids so i hope it goes well.

did your husband attend SA? im thinking about attending my first meeting this tuesday but still on the fence about it. . .

glad you guys had a great trip! 

 

[aquarius25]

moxy, his groups is through our church. It is very similar to SAA but it isn't exactly SAA. I have heard that SAA is good and he probably would have joined one of those groups had this not been available. This was just closer to home and worked out better. It was a huge game changer in his recovery. Him having a group, where men meet in person, and are vulnerable, that was huge!. He love being about to go and just be him, be open and honest and not feel pressure or judgement from others. All they want is to see you succeed, no hidden agenda. That is so important! We all need that. I hope you go and find a great support network! He did say his first meeting was the hardest because he felt scared to go and walk in the room. After heard others share he felt a lot better. Don't be scared it is good! I wish you the best!

 

[aquarius25]

Well another monday, lol. I have a few frustrations I have been working through.

The first I am trying to just let go. It is from this site. I get so frustrated from some of the point of views on here, but hey people are entitled to whatever thinking they want to have. It just bothers me when I hear men regret telling their wives because they don't like the reaction they get. Seriously?! You lied, what kind of reaction are they expecting. Then the worse attitude is to just keep lying and not tell at all. You have feed your brain all these lies and you think you can just beat this and keep lying (feeding the same pathways of guilt and shame that are huge triggers) and it will be all better? Wow! Not to mention that lack of respect you are giving to your wife. How would these men like if their wives kept secrets like that from them? Wow. Sound like objectification reasoning, they aren't treating their wives like people who are worthy of truth because they don't want to take responsibility for their actions. They want their cake and to eat it too. That is all about themselves and no one else. Sad. I feel sorry for their wives.

Sorry to rant but it just drives me nuts! Probably because it reminds me of the hurt I felt when my husband tries that himself. He discovered his problem was PIED and wanted to fix it on his own and not tell me. Well I found out anyway and it just hurt so much more that he wouldn't even allow me the respect to be open and honest about something this big in our marriage. That is a huge trigger. I am glad we aren't there anymore but I also know that he is an addict. If we both don't stay focused he could relapse at any time and not tell me. And for me, I can allow this frustration to turn into resentment and anger if I allow it. For now I am going to just breathe. Inhale peace, exhale all of this frustration and learn how the accept an attitude forgiveness in the present. I am not perfect at this but I am trying.

 

[malando]

I have no tolerance for that argument either, Aquarius. It's such a house of cards to build a relationship on. It shows great emotional immaturity to even think that you can control the truth and make it dance like a puppet just so you can have the best outcome for yourself (gaslighting). It shows a lack of understanding of what a relationship actually is, and and inability to understand that this will end in the destruction of that same relationship. I consider it my duty to let such people know that this is a ticking time bomb and that their only hope of defusing it is to confess and work together with their partner to disarm it. Some get it, some don't. The thing I hate the most is when somebody new joins up and encourages the person to keep concealing it - right after I've laid out the reasons why truth is the only way out. And the person recommending concealment often seems to carry more weight. A lot of people are seeking justification to conceal, I guess. The path of least resistance. If only they knew how life is going to resist them if they continue on that path...

 

[aquarius25]

My heart is feeling really heavy today. My son struggles with reading. It is really hard for him because he doesn't have that inner monologue in his head. You know when you read something you kinda hear the words in your head. His brain is missing a step in the sequence and he is missing that step. He has done a program to rewire (yep, just like men are doing here, lol ,it is just for reading though) and the new pathways are still really new. He is in 4 grade, we home school. His little sister reads so much better than him. He is brilliant and so smart but this is a big struggle for him. I have been working with him on this for sometimes now. Well yesterday I heard him start to fill with shame. He is starting to say things like  he is stupid, not good enough, and dumb. He is filled with the feeling of shame and inadequacy, he feels small and helpless. As a result I can see how this attitude is hurting him from recovering. His progress is slowing and so is his self confidence.

This whole thing, the emotions he describes at 10, they are the same ones that fulled my husbands pron addiction. I know if he keeps this up he will isolate (he is already showing first signs of wanting to but I am too  involved to allow that, lol) and from isolation porn and all kinds of other destructive behavior is a step away. As my husband pulled back layer after layer of his root cause in his recovery (and continues to do so) a lot of it started with these same feelings at the age. I feel like I am witnessing the very first moments that shame and these base root cause feelings first ignite and I am seeing them in my son.

We are trying to be as encouraging as we can. I affirm him in so many ways, showing him so many areas that he is amazing and inspiring to me and other. I put in in activities that he is good at and can build confidence from. He just hasn't really found some good friends here that he can connect with. As a result I fear that I am just the mom, harping all her mom garb on him. I am wondering what else I can do? He is so amazing and has the capacity for so much. It breaks my heart to seem him suffering and harboring these feelings.

I may also post this in the main forum to get feedback on thoughts and ideas from others who doesn't read this journal. Just trying to get ideas to think outside the box.

 

[aquarius25]

Thing are pretty much the sane ol same. Nothing really interesting or big to report. Business is picking up and our house is continuing to come along. Hoping to be able to move some furniture into the upstairs soon as we have been living in the lower half for a while and it is wearing on us. On the pulse side I am happy to have a home! This may be a project house but at least its ours and we own it, no mortgage! That feels pretty great!

 

[rebootrapp]

Debt free!! I?m hoping to pay off our mortgage.... in a decade.

I?m glad you?re doing well