If she's this hurt and disillusioned about your marriage, maybe the only thing you can do now is accept her decision and say you're sorry and that you want to be on good terms with her for your kids. If you keep trying to force the issue to get her back, it comes across as selfish love - ie. It's only about what you want and not about what she wants. That's not really love. Sometimes if you love somebody you have to set them free. After that it will be up to her whether she changes her mind.Redfire03 said:
Its a process...I guess.
- Thread starter aquarius25
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aquarius25
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Redfire
Yes, sometimes the hurt is too much and it is for too long. You have kids together though, so she will always be in your life. The important thing is to preserve some sort of friendship. Be the man you want your kids to look up to. Be the man you want your son to become. Model what integrity, honer, kindness, courage, empathy, authenticity all look like so your kids know how to embody those traits. You don't know what the future holds but you will be happier and have more peace if you work on becoming that person. My mom married my stepdad. They were married for 10 years. They divorced for 5 years and ended up getting remarried! Life is crazy! You can't know what tomorrow will look like but you can be the best person you can be today.
Yes, sometimes the hurt is too much and it is for too long. You have kids together though, so she will always be in your life. The important thing is to preserve some sort of friendship. Be the man you want your kids to look up to. Be the man you want your son to become. Model what integrity, honer, kindness, courage, empathy, authenticity all look like so your kids know how to embody those traits. You don't know what the future holds but you will be happier and have more peace if you work on becoming that person. My mom married my stepdad. They were married for 10 years. They divorced for 5 years and ended up getting remarried! Life is crazy! You can't know what tomorrow will look like but you can be the best person you can be today.
aquarius25
Respected Member
Well, time is slugging by. I am noticing so many things different when the kids are gone. Sad. The house is so quiet, almost creepy quiet, lol. There are a lot less dishes, laundry, house cleaning. Also a lot less snuggles, big squeezes (hugs for my daughter), laughter, and silliness. The kids really make life so much more full and joyous! I miss them. I also notice they force my hubby and I to take breaks. Since their departure we just work, we work a lot. I have been trying to invite friends over so we at least take time to be social but for the most part we do some amount of work, weather at the business or on our house, everyday. Thinking we need to take a real day off.
aquarius25
Respected Member
Staying busy as ever. I am volunteering part-time with a local non profit helping women who have been in sex trafficking rebuild their life. It is really interesting hearing their stories and where they came from. My heart breaks in so many ways. I am glad to be part of helping them rebuild.
aquarius25
Respected Member
Well, this has been a full week. We have had families over for dinner almost every day this week! Yesterday wasn't even planned, it was like an impromptu family of 8 and tacos were on the menu. You would think this was a restaurant, lol! It was a good time. The family had for small boys that were so much energy. I forgot just how much work little kids are. It's amazing how fast you forget some things, lol.
Work wise we had a roller coaster of a week. We had a large order return recently and my hubby is still processing that. This is the second time in 5 years that this has happens. He takes it very personal but that is the nature in handcrafting something and having someone reject it. It feels so personal, even though that is not their intention. We have been taking extra care since to be sure all of our designs are spot on and executed well. It has made things slow when we are already pretty busy. This adds to the stress. Yesterday was the peak of that for my hubby. I can see how he is still learning how to process emotion. I was doing some computer work and he called just so frustrated and on the verge of tears. He tends to take on too much and then not want to ask for help. Well all of that has been blowing up like landmines and he is realizing just how important it is to let the people we have hired to help us actually help. He can't just do everything. I think he was just feeling so low yesterday.
I find those times tricking and sometimes I feel like I don't handle them well. I have a hard time knowing when he is just needing to vent and when he needs help finding a solution. I think I tend to come in with solutions when he isn't ready to hear them and he just feels like I am not really understanding his hurt. That is probably very insensitive. Pondering that I realized just how much we are alike. I, for a long time, thought we was insensitive and now I am seeing those same traits in myself. This is an area I will take extra care to stay aware of and improve in.
Work wise we had a roller coaster of a week. We had a large order return recently and my hubby is still processing that. This is the second time in 5 years that this has happens. He takes it very personal but that is the nature in handcrafting something and having someone reject it. It feels so personal, even though that is not their intention. We have been taking extra care since to be sure all of our designs are spot on and executed well. It has made things slow when we are already pretty busy. This adds to the stress. Yesterday was the peak of that for my hubby. I can see how he is still learning how to process emotion. I was doing some computer work and he called just so frustrated and on the verge of tears. He tends to take on too much and then not want to ask for help. Well all of that has been blowing up like landmines and he is realizing just how important it is to let the people we have hired to help us actually help. He can't just do everything. I think he was just feeling so low yesterday.
I find those times tricking and sometimes I feel like I don't handle them well. I have a hard time knowing when he is just needing to vent and when he needs help finding a solution. I think I tend to come in with solutions when he isn't ready to hear them and he just feels like I am not really understanding his hurt. That is probably very insensitive. Pondering that I realized just how much we are alike. I, for a long time, thought we was insensitive and now I am seeing those same traits in myself. This is an area I will take extra care to stay aware of and improve in.
aquarius25
Respected Member
Well this week is starting out better than last week. Progress is showing, progress on many areas of life. I can see how we defiantly argue less now. We used to argue all the time when things got stressful and in hindsight that is probably when my husband would PMO more often as well. I was pondering that last night. Life before d-day and when were the times I didn't know. What was I doing? I wasn't stewing or mad or anything while thinking about this, more just trying to analyze and understand. Then, last night I had a weird dream. I was dreaming about him PMO'ing. It was like I was a fly on the wall and I could see him doing this while I was gone. I could see him seeking out different photos of my friends and porn (he used to have both pages up at the same time). It was so odd. I woke up all so sad ad crying. Not angry, just sad. Before this would have set me back quite a bit. Now, I am able to really understand that isn't us anymore. That isn't our relationship anymore and even if he does relapse, I know we can get through it. I also am learning to understand that his addiction doesn't define me. It isn't an account of my worth. It is something destructive that he is choosing to do to himself because he has an addiction. I am not part of that. I love him very much, and I am happy to see him healthy and as a result see our relationship healthy too. It isn't my fault that he chose to digest stress and overwhelm in this manner. Now when stress comes up, I try to check in and communicate it before it builds. We talk about it out loud together. I understand his triggers more and his insecurities. He is really a strong person but at the end of the day he is just a person. Nobody is perfect. I am glad to be closer to this imperfect man than living a lie with perfection.
aquarius25
Respected Member
Not a lot new going on. Continuing to work on this never ending project of a house. It is slowly turning into a nice home. Due to some scheduling miscommunications with my mother looks like my kids get some extra time with all of their friends out west. I am missing them terrible! We pick them up on the 25 of this month! Two month is waaayyyyyy to long to be away from them. Today is a holiday here but for some reason neither my husband or I are really in a super celebratory mood. We both just miss our kiddos, lol. Other than that everything is going great. I am getting some traction with my woman's group and really feeling good. I am feeling the Lords blessings in so many ways.
aquarius25
Respected Member
The weekends was busy bit alright over all. We working on the house. We used to take Sunday's off for family day but since the kids haven't been here we have let that go and have pretty much been working non stop for the last month and a half. I am exhausted. Last night we decided to stay in and watch a movie together. This is the first time we have really sat down and turned on the thing since the kids left, lol. Anyway we were watching some crime mystery based on a true story and it had some decent actors in it. There were a few scenes where the detectives had to go into a strip club to interview someone. My husband was so uncomfortable, he kept fast forwarding then going too far and rewinding only to be right back at the scene he was trying to avoid seeing. We finally just found a different movie. He would have never done that before. He just said we would rather not have those images in his mind and it makes him uncomfortable. I really thought that was amazing. He is practically a different person.
aquarius25
Respected Member
Just super busy. My partners group is picking up and I started shaping up some material for us to work through that is more organized. I also, along with my husband, started creating some material that we can use together. He is planning on starting a mens groups as he has been mentoring some men around town and more and more guys have expressed an interest. We are thinking to start some sort of groups where women can meet at the same time as the men and work through some of the same stuff to give a common language to communicate with. So many time my husband and I would end up arguing the same point because we were using different words to describe the same thing, lol. Anyway, all of these ideas get me really excited and hopeful for others. I love who my husband and I are today, I love our marriage. I would love to be as helpful and encouraging as I can be to helping others feel that freedom as well. Life is so much better without porn!
aquarius25
Respected Member
I am constantly amazed by just how wide spread sexual addiction is. I was sitting on a neighbors front porch yesterday and the topic came up. My husband and I talk openly about this experience. We both feel that the shame is more sever because people don't like to talk about this topic, it's taboo. Well the best way to change it is to not make it taboo anymore. So when people talk about certain things I just openly say we missed that movie or whatever because my husband is in recovery and we don't like that in our marriage. I have even heard my husband say basically the same thing. He just says nope that movie has sex scenes and they make me uncomfortable because I am in recovery. If they ask what kind of recovery we say porn addiction. The cool part, almost every time they either say, awesome and are actually very encouraging or they respond with, yeah my husband too. Yesterday that was the case. In fact in the last week I have met three other couples who have experienced porn addiction in their marriage. We talked a lot. We talked about if they considered it cheating. To be honest, at first when d-day hit I didn't, now I do big time! It was great to connect with a friend who gets it, who have been there and has come out the other side. Who still loves her husband and yet understands the pain too. It was so cool.
There are a lot of ways that my life has changed, the hurt was defiantly a change for the worse but there are also ways it has changed for the better. I feel like I maintain less surface level friendships. I want real, sustaining lasting friends. Life is too short trying to please everyone. My husband and I are so much closer to each other and to ourselves. We have and still are learning so much about who we are and who we want to be. In those ways I am glad to have gone through this experience. I am glad to come out the other-side stronger! Porn has destroyed lots of marriages, it doesn't get this one!
There are a lot of ways that my life has changed, the hurt was defiantly a change for the worse but there are also ways it has changed for the better. I feel like I maintain less surface level friendships. I want real, sustaining lasting friends. Life is too short trying to please everyone. My husband and I are so much closer to each other and to ourselves. We have and still are learning so much about who we are and who we want to be. In those ways I am glad to have gone through this experience. I am glad to come out the other-side stronger! Porn has destroyed lots of marriages, it doesn't get this one!
aquarius25
Respected Member
Bob, Wow! The whole thing? Well now you must know I am nuts! LOL Thank you for your kind words. You are such a great part of this community.
Today was good. Learned some new things in a quickbooks class for our business. Overall not much new. I am getting ready for our trip to go pick up the kids. We have some lights to drop off on the way for trying to get everything prepped and ready is a bit stressful but nothing I can't manage. So excited to see my kiddos! There are no words to describe how much I have missed them and I am so excited to have our family all together again! 2 months is too long to visit grandma!
Today was good. Learned some new things in a quickbooks class for our business. Overall not much new. I am getting ready for our trip to go pick up the kids. We have some lights to drop off on the way for trying to get everything prepped and ready is a bit stressful but nothing I can't manage. So excited to see my kiddos! There are no words to describe how much I have missed them and I am so excited to have our family all together again! 2 months is too long to visit grandma!
aquarius25
Respected Member
So many things feel complete when we are a family together! I really love and missed my kids! We have returned and I just feel so much better knowing they are with me! My heart feels better and stress immediately dropped about 1000 degrees! I have been unpacking, doing laundry, and registering the kids for all of their extra curricular (ballet, chess, music, soccer, girl scouts, ect). Looking at the schedule I would normally be overwhelmed because there is just so much between kids, homeschool, and business. Right now, there is no overwhelm, just excitement that my kids are home and I get to see them participate in all of these activities. I love being their mom! My husband missed them too. There were tears all around when we saw them! I touches my heart to see our family so close! I know that these kids will grow up and move out but right now its so good. Life is so good and I just want to soak up every minute of it.
aquarius25
Respected Member
I was journaling today and reflecting on the past two months without the kids here. One big take away was that my hubby and I will be ok. Someday these kids are going to move out. It will just be the two of us. We will be left with whatever we have nurtured up to that point. Our relationship takes work, time, investment. I look back over the years and see where both of us have at different times neglected it. We put other things as a priority over each other. These last few years have been really hard, gut wrenching hurt. There were times when I wanted so badly to just walk away. Slowing both of us started giving each other the time and attention that is deserved of a partner. We started treating each other the way we wanted to be treated. We finally learned how to love each other authentically. I know now that when the day comes and the kids do grow up and move out, when it is just us, we will be ok. We need to keep putting in the work and the effort each day, treating each other with grace, kindness, love, compassion, encouraging each other, laugh daily, and love always. It makes the thought of just the two of us not a sad thing but hopeful. Our future is good! I am so glad for that!
aquarius25
Respected Member
Life has been good. Busy but good. The kids are home and we are back into our routine. We home school and don't really take summers off however they did do a lot less work when they were visiting family so we are getting back to a normal load of school work. It feels good to get back in the groove. The kids are excite about new school books so it should be a good year.
Over the weekend I got do a taco stand at a music festival! I have wanted a food truck for the last 15 years and I love cooking so much so this taco stand was a bit of a big deal to me. It was just one day and I doubled my $$. Plus I had so many people telling me I needed to open a restaurant or something. My food was a hit! It felt so good to try out a small version of a big dream. Maybe sometime I will do it again but I am thinking Hawaiian food next time. Humm, so many options, lol!
Over the weekend I got do a taco stand at a music festival! I have wanted a food truck for the last 15 years and I love cooking so much so this taco stand was a bit of a big deal to me. It was just one day and I doubled my $$. Plus I had so many people telling me I needed to open a restaurant or something. My food was a hit! It felt so good to try out a small version of a big dream. Maybe sometime I will do it again but I am thinking Hawaiian food next time. Humm, so many options, lol!
aquarius25
Respected Member
Life has been full steam ahead. So much good stuff, just learning how to pace myself. I have been doing some reflection and going back into some of my old journals and realizing just how far I have come in my journey and where the work and attention needs to be. I am learning how to just let things go. Not for the sake of other but frankly for my own sanity. I met a couple that is going to be moving in across the street from us, they are renting and they have two small kids. Reminds me a lot of my hubby and I a few years back. Anyway her and I were connecting and visiting and she had mentions something about social media and why my husband wasn't on there. I was very open (I have my husbands permission, he is just as open himself) I just said because he is a recovering porn addict and that is a trigger for him. I am to a point where the opinion of someone else isn't as much a concern for me. This is who we are, it is part of our past, I don't hide it. If anything talking about it plainly and not making a big deal makes it easier for other to talk too. That is exactly what happened. She said that her and her husband are going through the same thing. They are two months in. My heart just broke for her but I said I get it. She said she is very depressed and started crying. She hasn't been able to talk to anyone about this. I just gave her a hug. I told her that I am here, she is not alone and it will be ok. The relief of being able to open up and talk to someone was so huge for her. I remember what that felt like. It is such an isolating feeling. I was so honored to be able to be a support to her.
I don't know what tomorrow looks like but I do know that I am supposed to live today with transparency. I am not ashamed of my husbands past. I am proud of the man he is today! I am proud of who we are as a couple and family and who we are becoming. I am excited for our future. The hurt was and still is real but it is worth tackling because life of this side is so much better!!!
I don't know what tomorrow looks like but I do know that I am supposed to live today with transparency. I am not ashamed of my husbands past. I am proud of the man he is today! I am proud of who we are as a couple and family and who we are becoming. I am excited for our future. The hurt was and still is real but it is worth tackling because life of this side is so much better!!!
aquarius25
Respected Member
Things are good. Just trying to keep the momentum up. Saw the new neighbors and met for a glass of wine on the porch. It was really great! I love the community here. Also my hubby and I were watching a movie the other night. There was a sex scene and I didn't really even think about it, I just started fast forwarding through it, my husband immediately said thanks. I notice now how it is just part of habit at this point. For me it isn't a big deal but I can see how it is still a trigger for him. He says it doesn't make him want to view porn it just is a reminder of his past. He is reminded of the problems it caused and it just makes him feel uncomfortable. It is quite different perspective than who he was. I can see how all the little steps we have been putting in for the least few years are becoming patterns and habits now.