Its a process...I guess.

[aquarius25]

Rebootrapp, 10 yrs is a great plan. We were able to pay our house off because we only paid $10,000. for it, lol. It is a big project but with every finished piece we do it becomes less of a project and more like a home. It was really scary when we first purchased it, but the neighborhood was beyond friendly. It is a community with once a month dessert party and everyone trying to help each other out. The house is old, like 1800's,even has a tower and all. My husband like that part the best, lol. I like the space. When it is all said and done we will probably put way more into the house than if we just bought a finished house but this was we get to make it ours. We get to pay for everything as we go, and it will feel like an extension of our family. So today I am thankful. While my husband goes to the shop to build some product, I will stay home and work on the floors upstairs. Each day feels like there is always a new project to start or finish, but I am glad that I am able bodies, capable, and can do the work. My hands are tired but they are strong and my heart is full.

 

[aquarius25]

Things here have been busy. We have a cat that is pregnant and is expecting any day now. The kids are so excited, lol. We have made some big progress on our house, our business is getting pretty busy as well so juggling everything has been tricky but good. My parents are coming to visit soon (for Easter) and then they well head up to my sisters house. She is about 8 hrs away. They drove their motorhome and are traveling around the country. We moved to the East and we were from the PNW. They have been asking for a while if they could take our kiddos with them when they drive home to Oregon. We wouldn't be able to fly out to get them for about a month and a half! I am already getting nervous. That will have been the longest amount of time away from my kiddos ever! My heart cringes just thinking about it, lol. I also think it might be good. My hubby and I haven't really had time to ourselves for a while and it might be nice to spend some time just us. The kids would love it, they would get to see the country (again,lol) and visit all of their friends back home. My husband thinks it is a great idea except for the expense of plane tickets but we can figure that out.

There is another odd thing I am noticing about this situation. We haven't been just us without out kids for longer than a week in just over 10 years! I am nervous about spending this much time with just my husband. I am starting to see all of these subtle ways I have forgave and allowed trust back into the relationship. I am worried that this time with just us might reopen wounds and break the progress. I know that sounds stupid but its true. Sometimes I wonder if we are doing so well because of the kids. They keep us from arguing because we don't want to fight in front of them. Instead we communicate better and try to demonstrate respectful disagreements rather than just yelling. Without them here, what will that look like? I honestly can't even imagine.

 

[malando]

That's an interesting situation to be in Aquarius. I think I get what you mean - my relationship certainly stabilised and improved after we had our daughter. She was the inspiration for us to try harder, drop a lot of hangups and baggage, stop sweating small stuff, behave better, etc. The idea of our daughter not being around for a while is an interesting thought experiment. I would like to think that we have actually grown and matured within ourselves and the relationship itself, but when you change one massive factor in your life, it would certainly shift the balance somewhat - hence the anxiety. I think it's something to be embraced though. One day the kids will be grown up and moved out, so it's better to know who you are as a couple now, so you can work on things in the intervening years before the kids do leave the nest. You wouldn't want to be in your 50's and learning how to be alone as a couple again! The earlier we confront things, anything, the better. That's my philosophy. It might actually be a great time too, you never know. Either way, it will be revealing and important. Good luck!

 

[aquarius25]

Thanks Malando. You are right. I think this will be a good opportunity. It just feels like a long time. I am going to miss my kiddos crazy but it will probably be a great opportunity to spend some real time with my husband. Probably a good thing.

 

[aquarius25]

Well it is finally starting to feel like spring. Still a little cold but at least the sun is shinning. Went out in our yard today. We have spent so much time on the house the yard is beyond a disaster. So bad, lol. Thankfully it will be a lot easier to come together. Glad that I am able bodies enough to be able to make a decent dent. Spent some time with the kiddos just talking and hearing what they think about things. Kids are so cool. They have a perspective that is so different and refreshing. Most of all, I love how kids play! They actually play! Adults don't play the same way that kids do. Kids pretend, they make sound effect, they wiggle, they adventure! Doing this with them is amazing. At first you feel silly but after a few mins it's like the entire wold melts away and your are transported to wherever they are going. I found afterwards my stress level was almost nonexistent. Amazing!

 

[aquarius25]

Ha, just as soon as it starts to feel like spring it snows!!!! I love the snow so I was excited but everyone else was complaining. Our Easter holiday was nice, fairly quiet. My parents are visiting so they went to church with us and then we went home, I make a nice dinner and we just relaxed. Also over the weekend our cat had kittens. The kids got to watch the entire thing. Perfect biology lesson, lol. We have had the "where do babies come from" talk already but it was really cool to hear their questions and see their faces and they gained better understanding of this whole thing. Overall life is good. Every now and then I remember the hurt or something will trigger be to wonder but I am noticing how I move out of that so much more quickly than I used to. That is really encouraging to see progress be made. I am celebrating in those moments!

 

[aquarius25]

Well I had some encouraging new this morning! My women's group now has more than just me in it, lol. I know that is a weird thing to be excited about but I am non the less. I also met with a pastor at another church and he is working on some new ministries within his church and he wanted to talk about working with me. My husband had shared with him some of our story (with my permission) and said he wanted to speak. I feel like things are starting to pick up. My heart really does want to help others, to be an encouragement, and to see people come out of hurt and move into healing and I am doing the same for myself. Praying that God move through me!

On the family front, I am finally in a place where I am excited about the kids being gone for a bit and looking forward to spending some quality time with my husband. Plus my kids will be able to go the the family reunion with my parents and will be able to connect with family members that have never even met before. That is really exciting. Still hoping that maybe there is a way I can try to swing flying out to attend too but if not I am still glad that they will have that opportunity. Overall life is good and I am so very thankful.

 

[rebootrapp]

Woot woot! Glad to hear you?re doing so well!!

 

[aquarius25]

rebootrapp, Thanks! It's great to hear you and your family are doing so well too.

Well life keeps humming along. Parents are still visiting but will head up to my sisters house in a few days before heading west with our kiddos. I am excited for the kids to spend the summer with their grandparents and in Oregon! It really is beautiful and summers are the best! The ocean, the mountains, all of it!

We were interviewed, my husband and I, for a lady doing a show about porn and it's effects. I thought I would be super nervous but I actually wasn't at all. I am excited to be able to bring awareness and help others. I think, to some degree I carry shame too. I was embarrassed about my husbands addiction. He isn't embarrassed and he doesn't carry any shame, so why do I? SO odd. I am learning and understanding my need for people to approve of me. That is ridiculous. I have been doing a lot of work on myself. I am learning be more accepting of my whole self. To appreciate my strengths and failures. I am so good at seeing and loving others but not myself. The question begs to be asked. If I can't love myself, can I really authentically love others? Also, I want to show my daughter and son what good, healthy, self love, compassion for yourself, and confidence looks like. I can't show them what I do not posses. So I am working, and am improving in these areas. Doing that interview and now feeling embarrassed and genuinely excited about helping others just showed me how far I have come! Feels good to see and appreciate progress. I couldn't have come this far on my own. I am go grateful for my husband, my support here from anyone reading this, and from God. Truly a transformation by the Holy Spirit. So thanks. Lots of thanks.

 

[JedClampett]

Here is an old post that could help someone's thinking...because that is what PMO is, faulty thinking:

"Thank you for explaining all that.  You are right in saying PMO is not an option.
We do not have to be taught how to have sex!  I think that it is a natural thing to do.

I am on Day 8 now and what I appreciate most about it is my productivity rate has gone
way up.  The trick is to appreciate the productivity rate and keep increasing it.

Before about 2010 I put so much into my days it amazes me now to think about it.
I did do some IP before that but it took some time before that nasty thing took a lot
of time out of my life.

It's been very easy to give up PMO to this point.  Hopefully I will continue to realize what
I gain by avoiding it.

1.  Maximum sexual health
2.  Maximum physical health
3.  High productivity rate
4.  Clearer thinking
5.  Less guilt
6.  More hours to learn important things
7.  The increased ability to think and do things for others
8.  The ability to do the little things that make people happy
9.  Better computer health and knowledge that it was not P that caused the problem!
10.  Better moods
11. The opportunity to be a model for avoiding PMO.  This is what Reboot Nation is all about!!!"

 

[aquarius25]

Bartholomew, which issue are you referring to? Just trying to understand better.
THanks

 

[aquarius25]

Well yesterday was interesting. Felt the urge to become overwhelmed a lot but managed to compose myself by taking several breaks to stop breath and focus my thoughts and attitude and it helps so much! Started with just a general annoyance that a certain individual on here has been sending me personal messages describing his relapse and then asking me if that is considered a relapse. It really just irritated me more than anything. Some people can be so rude. Then I went on a run and was repeatedly cat called while my daughter and son were with me. That was upsetting. The thought kept running in my head, "Seriously!?! Why can't people just keep that crap to themselves? Why do they have to should sexual advances at women in public, with my kids around?!?" So rude.

Then later had a bit of what could have been a blow up with my husband. I can see how I have learned a lot. I have noticed that when he is really overwhelmed his first reaction is to avoid. That is really not helpful. He had been handling the filing and paperwork for our business for the past few month and apparently got overwhelmed. He didn't communicate it he just put it off because he was overwhelmed and didn't want me to be disappointing in him. It was a huge trigger to come in to help and realize that everything was a mess and he hadn't told me and asked for help. I immediately thought, what else isn't he telling me?!? My heart started racing and everything. I stopped, took some deep breaths and decided before I come up with all of these scenarios I will talk to him. After a long conversation realizing how hard he has been working I am realizing just how much he desires for me to see him as amazing. He didn't want to disappoint me but he did need help. The frustration is that I already see him that way, he is amazing. I wouldn't be here if he wasn't, LOL! We talked it through, and he understood how triggering and upsetting this was. We got everything straighten out. It wasn't as big a mess and I first thought. I reorganized everything and we are good to go. I can see how a year ago I would have reacted very different. No person is perfect. I am glad that rather than going straight to red hot mad I was able to calm myself. Have grace and compassion for my husband. He really is amazing and works so hard and genuinely does his best. He will mess up from time to time, just like I do, but each time we work through it we get stronger. It gets a little easier and less scary to communicate and maybe next time he is overwhelmed he can get over the thought of disappointing me and just ask for help. We are supposed to be partners right? I know we will get there eventually.

 

[aquarius25]

Well things are going pretty well. Just wanted to pop on here and check in. Took the kids to see the latest Avengers movie and of course they loved it. It was great to spend some family time together over the weekend. Also the kids have finally been making a few friends!!! Very excited about that! So all in life, life is good!

 

[Dr. Wankenstein]

I hope that things are still improving. I want to second what Objectified said earlier. His PIED is not a result of your decisions, but of his. There is no reason that he should not WANT to satisfy your sexual desires through whatever other means you might enjoy.  This can only help him, IMHO. When his mind is sufficiently healed, your gratification will boost him as well.

In the mean time, I'd also like to respond to one of your own earlier comments. I assume that the emotional, "just being together" thing you referenced is Karezza. If you have not read it yet, I highly recommend "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow," by Marnia Robinson. This has been a tremendous help in my relationship.

All the best.

 

[aquarius25]

Not a lot new. Got a lot of things done on our house. Living in a fixer project home is quite the experience. I appreciate so many of the little things. Like the idea of two bathrooms, lol. I started budgeting and designing the second floor bathroom today and I got excited to realize that soon we can start this project. This project has been a big esteem booster for me too. I am learning so many things and realizing that I can do more than I think I can. From installing subway tile floor to ceiling to helping with the trim out on the electrical outlets. I am more capable than I give my self credit for. I think I just get scared and maybe a little lazy sometimes. I need to continue to push myself to continue learning more things and trying a new project.

 

[Moon]

right. Continue on and get what you want!

Not a lot new. Got a lot of things done on our house. Living in a fixer project home is quite the experience. I appreciate so many of the little things. Like the idea of two bathrooms, lol. I started budgeting and designing the second floor bathroom today and I got excited to realize that soon we can start this project. This project has been a big esteem booster for me too. I am learning so many things and realizing that I can do more than I think I can. From installing subway tile floor to ceiling to helping with the trim out on the electrical outlets. I am more capable than I give my self credit for. I think I just get scared and maybe a little lazy sometimes. I need to continue to push myself to continue learning more things and trying a new project.

 

[aquarius25]

Well I am making baby steps every day. I achieved a big goal at my gym and was able to dead lift 335 pounds! It feels really good to feel strong. I am learning more and more just how much I am capable of. When I step out of my fear and my doubts I can do quite a lot! Another thing I noticed is that I am experiencing the heartbreak a lot easier now. I am in a a group for women of porn addicts and hearing them tell their stories makes me remember mine. I do still feel the hurt and sadness. It hurts to remember being lied to and rejected for so long, but the one good thing is that it no longer consumes me. I just remember it, feel sad, and then move on. I  remind myself that we are not there now and we are moving forward. Instead of letting my regret and hurt just ruin my day I am now able to just feel sad for that time but not stay in the sadness. That is a big thing for me and it feels good to see and appreciate the progress.

 

[aquarius25]

The kids have left for their big vacation with my parents. The house feels so different without them here. In an odd way it has been kind of nice though. I miss them and love them so much but I have also been enjoying some alone time and some time to connect with just my husband. Life feels slower. The kids add an element of chaos and busy and I have just grown used to. Having them gone everything feels a little less hectic. I am trying to use this time as an opportunity to gain focus and get a lot done. Overall things are good, but when this kid free time is over I am going to be so excited to see them!!!! I really love my kids so much.

 

[aquarius25]

Getting a lot accomplished this last week. I have been painting, hanging trim, laying flooring, all kinds of things. Having time to myself seems to be very productive. Tonight we are going to hit up an artwalk and a brewery. Should be a fun time! Life seems to just continue to keep on moving along.

 

[Redfire03]

I hate to see another woman hurt. I never realized i hurt my wife until it was too late. We men have a hard time seeing the damage we are doing. I wish my wife would join the forum i have asked but she doesnt care anymore unfortunately.