Saving my relationship

[Vincent]

Day 10, third try.

I feel better, much better than before. The last week was pretty easy regarding no PMO. My mother in law (basically) came to visit and we all did a lot together. So there was no time and I did not even think about porn. I however was so horny that I became bolder and had a nice experience with my Girlfriend. No sex, though, but we both saw that there was progress regarding no PMO and PIED.

I now am convinced that this reboot has its raison d'?tre and is helping me a great deal. There is hardly a trace of my ED left. But I will continue the programme. It is a hreal help for me. An although I lost focus on many other things during the first weeks of no PMO it helped me a great deal to understand, what I am after.

The next week is going to be harder. My GF is going to her hometown for a visit. I will be alone and tempted. I have to focus on my final thesis - for which I have done nothing so far and which is eating my head.....

But after seeing that the PMO free life is so much more helping me to stay on track I will use it to refocus on the other matters, as well.
let's hope this to work out .

 

[Vincent]

das 11, third try.

today was a narrow escape. I was so focused on porn that I came close to jump the line. But luckily my blockers prevented me from it. I only could find some boring pictures....i lost interest and had no success in finding one.
This for me is one little part of a prove, that the de-conditioning is working. the search for the porn is not rewarded and I slowly am losing interest for it.

It however is pretty difficult - I could disable all the blockers. the only thing preventing me from doing it is my pride (and the hacks I installed).... until now, if I caught myself thinking about diabling them I was able to tell me about losing the last bit of my pride as a man - this helped. But as an addict's brain is not eager to work with petty feeling such as pride or self-respect I fear for this last bit.

In the end it really is about willpower. Without the Blockers however I would be done for.
I still find myself aroused by nudity - which I deem a good sign and not bad; my sexdrive however is keeping me busy with any fine leg, ass, boob, face etc. out there. that makes it kind of hard to focus.

Morning wood is back every day now - it started around day 7/ 3rd try.

 

[Vincent]

Arrrggggh...it is so difficult....
I just can't manage it to not think about porn. If given the opportunity to watch it I will - instantly.
Today is a very hard day. I already MO'd accourding to my routine but I am still horny as hell - I only want to watch porn.
since I was at home all day this was quite difficult. There was no PMO however - But a crazy search for porn and some edging to the search?????? this was the most crazy thing that ever happened to me during this reboot. I was so horny in anticipation to find porn that the search for it - although I knew that I wouldn't find anything - turned me on.
Fucking shitty situation. Tomorrow I can't stay at home because It is to hard.

I feel like I am succeeding and then I am the most vulnerable. This is my weakness, I would say. As a precaution I now put Open DNS on all devices, so no possibility there to go on pornsites. Let's hope I can make it through this without PMOing.....

Or better: my fear is not to catch myself finding a Porn movie - but binging on everything I can after I circumvent the settings. So I am not afraid of a lapse or slip....which only would tighten my resolve, but of a total relapse causing me to break....

I went running, took a cold shower, had some coffee, turned to other work....but as soon as I have the opportunity I fear to be too weak to stay away. this is one fucked up hard ass challenge and I now really see how different I am when there is no way of porn for me.

Another thing I realized however: I did not O although I touched myself during the search because I was fighting myself. I was so weak at first but then the voice got louder, I shut the PC down and locked all possibilities away. perhaps a positive sing? hopefully....

 

[Vincent]

Aaaand: Fail on das 12.....
fucking hell. I was to weak.

Main Mistake: to much time at home in front of my PC. Im still not strong willed enough for that....
No PMO again, but porn. It's always this shitty porn, the opportunity to watch it, the urge to see it and then I fail to restrain myself. Perhaps an object could help. I'm exploring that option now. We'll see.

And the fun starts again.

 

[Vincent]

What a shitty day.

After this fourth lapse I don't feel like I will be able to do it. I make it 10 to 14 Days and then I just fall back to zero.
The worst thing is that I don't really seem to WANT to quit. Don't misunderstand me, I do Want to quit it. But when I am confronted with porn I simply don't fight back. I quasi lose on purpose. I am an addict of the worst kind.

It's not that I am depressed or something. I simply want to finally break all these chains, i want to be able to follow advice I gave to others, I want to be able to give a simple NO if porn passes my mind.
And I don't want to feel this fucking weak all the time. But how? I read everything, watched everything theorized about everything, made precautions but still....I fail in a most silly way. I simply cannot stop myself when push comes to shove.
But fuck this......I could continue to cry out all my heart's content....And what would it help? Nada...

So there is just one basic simple rule from now on for me: Staying strong. I want to make it at least 30 Days. I don't care about the rest I simply need to prove to myself that I can be strong enough to go PMO free for 30 days. I want to gain back some respect for myself. Is that to much to ask? I think not!

Perhaps someone has advice for me how to stay strong and to not falter.....I feel so damn silly and weak....

This surely showed me how little I know about myself or perhaps, better, how little I believe in myself....
And this has to f****** end. NOW.

 

[fnatk]

Hey Vincent, I know that feeling man. Most of us have certainly been there and yeah, I'm still doubting myself. Can I do this? I've gone 30 days PMO free.. but after that? Can I stay away? I honestly don't know. We are addicts, and that is really hard to face. Even now, just saying it my head it feels strange. I'm an addict. Fuck that is weird. It feels like something out of Fight Club!

Feeling that you're weak in the face of this addiction is normal, I've felt it too, several times. But I think there certainly are ways to help us on this front, be it going to a psychologist or perhaps if there's any sort of self-help group for sex/porn addicts anywhere near in your area?

Doing this on just pure willpower alone is hard as hell, not many people can quit an addiction that way. Yes we have each other on the forum but... its not quite the same as having someone talking to you face to face. I had a really long talk the other day with my friend who knows about my addiction and she even reminded me that I actually told her that I thought I might have a problem over 1? years ago. I was so surprised that holy shit, yeah its been that long already!

Also, while I'm certainly not going to say that relapsing is okay... you are still cutting down on your porn use! Yes your recovery certainly won't go as fast... but there's progress. Yes those neural pathways won't die off and you won't rewire properly until you go clean for a long enough while.... and it might take 90 days or it might take 180 days! Just don't give up dude, you know you have a problem, you're trying to get clean. It was never going to be as easy as just "quitting PMO". We've been jerking it to porn for years, most of us daily or even more than once a day. This is not an easy habit to kick!

But you can do it, just think about really getting help, be it a friend, a therapist, a group for addicts... there's help out there man, you've just gotta reach out and grasp the helping hand that's waiting for you.

 

[Vincent]

I thank you so much for those encouraging words.
You are right - giving up is not an option here if I want to go a different way.
Perhaps nowadays everything seems so easy because it works after the first or second try. And I something just keeps on happening than we accept is as "it is as it is".

I have to change my root. I have to understand my history with porn and then I have to understand the meaning of it all.

The only way I can do this is straight up confrontation with everything. I tend to push unwanted things away from me.
And if I want to take myself seriously, I gotta do this.

Your words were motivation and inspiration at the sime time and were exactly what I needed at this moment. Yes, help might be the option for me. I just need to get it.

Thanks again.

 

[skrodriguez]

I have to change my root. I have to understand my history with porn and then I have to understand the meaning of it all.

Hey man, I feel for you. But I love that you came straight back on here and shared. How many leave it for a few days and I don't think that helps. Also you really are underswhelmed with yourself - like I think we all know the feeling. But you are letting yourself feel it which is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL in changing something. The first thing is the removal of denial - there's nobody further for fixing a problem than she/he who doesn't recognise they even have a problem. Regarding 'changing your root', a philosophical quote came to mind.

Whenever we have an emotion that repeats, it is because we are not describing its origin truthfully.

Are there some other things about your life that you think need to be examined? Have you considered therapy? These are greater measures but that level of investment in yourself may give you the incentive needed to quit this thing.
Also, I'm not clear on the situation with your girlfriend and nor is it my place to pry but does being with her not diminish your desire for porn? Are you abstaining with her to aid with the reboot? If so, perhaps adjust that? These are all just suggestions. I want you to achieve your goals and fully understand the self-esteem that comes from making a set goal but just really want you to also have an underlying goal and steps in place so that when you reach that goal, you can revert to the overall plan and keep going.

Personally Vincent, I think it takes a lot of honesty with oneself and bravery to admit feeling weak and silly. I think it's part of removing denial. How many times does one see people coming on here two hours after a binge and start spraying around words of strength and resolve when they're still glowing in a afterbath of dopamine and endorphins talking about 90 days and how it all begins here? Your's seems to be the warts and all journey of someone who does want to realise and change. I commend you.

I still struggle all the time, on the daily basis I have to redirect thoughts and I don't always succeed. I really tire of seeing my behaviour somewhat dictated by my brains desire for sexual stimulus.

 

[Vincent]

Thank you as well, Skrodriguez.

Yes, my denial and the honesty towards myself were the main problem - and still are.
I know it takes a lot to confess that and that is also, why I am a bit proud of myself regarding this.

It however gets easier and easier to "confess" and also the struggle gets less stinging when accepting failure. And when I start to accept that failure is normal in the same turn I start to accept two things.

One, very important and positive: this is not a journey with designated end. It is a cyclic, slow change of life that will go on for all my life that I will adapt to and to which I have to be committed to.

The other, hurtingly true and of endless repeat: If I push open the door of accepting failure I lower the tolerance for improvement. I feel it more and more. I tell myself: come on, tomorrow you can start again. You failed yesterday so why not today as well? It does not matter....etc. So the delusion starts.

Those two "truths" will be  constant partners on our journeys - as you made clear. This is a very helpful thought.

I forgot what it means to dedicate myself to something I believe in. And I underestimated the impacti this change will have on my life. Things with my girlfriend are getting better - regarding sex. But I still am afraid of getting limp.
During the last 7 weeks of my reboot process I MOed 7 times and watched Porn 5 times. It's not much. But those are numbers. When I confront myself with the truth here the following happens.

Compared to the weeks I did not try to overcome this addiction and PMOed like twice a day the frequency has dropped dramatically, yes. That is all good I'd say.
But what is the percentage of Porn and MO in my sexlife? At the moment it is 90%. And that is NOT all good.

I have to accept that I will not run faster just because I want to. I have to train it. I have to accept the process of try and failure. At the same time the struggle needs to be real. If it is only a joke or game for me I might as well quit it. Every time I lapse, I have the feeling this is like a 10 Day bet. More like I can have a wank every 10-14 Days. That sounded good. Because It was a fequency everybody could live with. Everybody but an addict, like me. It could be a normal way of taking care of urges if they're too overwhelming. But not for someone whose mind was programmed on porn instead of being programmed on sex. My struggle has to be real - what do I mean by that?

Confrontation with the topic: I don't know and did not take the time so far to understand WHY I started with porn. I feel I need to do that but I push it back on my to-do-list.

Relaization of the consequences: Every time I fail I do not really get any consequences other than my onw distrust. Every time I go on and watch P i do not see the harm right away. And I tell myself it's not that bad. But it is.

Maning up: I need to get on and finally jump the fence. I run around with a backpack full of porn in my head and can barely restrain it. I hide it from myself. And eventually I just open it and watch inside telling myself a simple "why not?".
But this is not an option. If I want to win here i need to stop adapting the circumstances to my addiction. I need to stop working half assed on this topic. I need to man the fuck up and to say No to wat I don't want and YES to wat I want. I let my stomach decide the whole time - seeking the pleasurable and easy. That is all ok in regards to love, partnership, food and movies. But not regarding the decisions I make for myself. Blurry lines are only giving me an opening to exploit. And I will expliot it. that I know.

Being with my girlfriend diminishes every desire for porn, yes. But she is not around everytime. And the urges I get when she is not there are not towards her but towards porn. I know this is the problem. I know this is what caused my PIED, seeing my previous sex life as a boring and uneventful one.
I also realized that I simply watch every other woman aroud me. Every time. I am horny as hell. But I see them as prey. This is one thing I am ashamed to admit. But I have to admit it. I watch the face, then the boobs and then the butt. And then i decide whether she is nice or not. I know this is only natural to see a woman as a possible sexual partner. But this shows me I need to overcome it. I cannot be in search for a partner, when I have one. Eventually this will lead to being unfaithful.
I desired her other friend, i desired collegues at work that looked similar to pornstars I desired every woman but my own.
This has changed a little until now - thanks to the reboot. With porn being not a constant in my life I feel more open towards women. I look them in the eye and I probably am constantly flirting when my GF is not around. And this pains me. I have no control, or better I don't want to have control over it. With porn I could just suffocate these desires. But strangely, although I do see those other women as potential sex partners, I don't want to have sex with them. I only want to do it with my Girlfriend, the woman I really do love. And when I was watching porn I did not care about her. I flirted with other girls when having the opportunity. And I don't think I could have restraind myself from further back then. This is one important truth I took back from this challenge. I don't fuck with others because I don't want to hurt my GF. I don't do it because I don't need to - even If I am attracted to them. There is no need for me to go there.

It is more difficult with porn, however. My GF and I talked about porn at the beginning of our relationship. She has no problem with me watching it and never saw it as competition. we have a pretty open relation to sex in many ways.
Porn however was my possibility to live my fantasies. The fantasy of having sex with my GF's mates, to have sax with a co worker, to have sex with a movie star, to have sex with someone I saw on the streets. I just could find a Pornstar-lookalike and go ahead. And because it was not real - i thought - it would be of no harm to anybody. But I was wrong. It slowly diminished my desire for my GF and strengthened the desire for those I desired. Porn influended my life tremendously. Or better I let porn influence my life. Because it is MY FAULT. And no one else's.  I therefore made a cut to all of that behaviour and started this life-changing process.
And I feel it is getting better.

The fantasy of having sex with another woman than the one I love will probably never disappear. It is the novelty search. But that does not mean I have to follow through. My aim is to let my hormones take the decision and not my porn-influendec brain that only seeks to mimic what I saw on screen. It is natural to be attracted to a pretty girl. When I met my GF for the first time my whole body went crazy. And it still is like that sometimes. But then it was not a "porn" decision (although years later I found a Pornstal lookalike of my GF as well and probably made her a substitute for the real thing that was not working). It was a decision of chemistry - in my brain and heart.
And I want my decisions in the future be of the same kind. In order to achieve this I have to MAKE the decisions. I have to WANT the result.

And therefore I have to finally start to enlighten every inch of shadow in myself to understand myself and to take it into my own hands. I really don't need porn, nor do I need masturbation. But I want to have it, it is something I have always done. Not only like a habit, but worse. It is like the favourite food you cook if feeling bad, the favoutite music you listent to If something bad or good has happened. it is linked to so many factors of well-being and situation improvement. I built this construction over the years. And now I am ging to tear it down. One part on myself will constantly try to rebuild it. Because it is nice and cozy to have something I know around me. But that part will have to bend to my will.

"whatever it is. If you do something it means you wanted it" (out of some tv show I watched - this sentence inspired me)

There is no excuse. There is no shortcut. And there is no way around it.

If I follow through with this I will need to want it. If I spend hours of writing and confronting myself with and about this subject it means thet I want it. So now only the part is left where I go on and don't let myself be the rock in the way but the stepstone on my way.

there is only one way for me to change my life the way I want: wanting to change my life. Nothing else.

I have to thank everybody for open ears (eyes in this case) to all my crying and selfpity, to all my questions and failures. THIS here really helps me to constantly fight the other part of myself. This is therapy.

And although I always want to get praised, to get complimented for every shit I take, for every day I go on without Porn and for every new "life changing discovery" I theorize about by everbody on this forum. The simple truth is that the only praise and complimenting I should WANT is the one I can give myself. I can lie to all of you here. But not to myself.
And the best way to accept that is to simply don't lie at all to nobody. Only then true reactions of others can help me. True openness is the only thing that will change me.

And I want to change. So I will do it.

 

[skrodriguez]

I know this is only natural to see a woman as a possible sexual partner. But this shows me I need to overcome it.

No. Here I'm gonna go against popular culture because I don't want you trying to do things which your biology and male sexuality in general has evolved into and given to you. Seriously I get sick of hearing the same stupid dirge over and over that men have to rise above their instincts to see women as potential mates and become something greater. Fine. But reality check! Our biology trained us in the primitive sense to value fertility in a woman which is represented by telling physical features. Men see value in a woman's body. Women see value in a man's potential to gain resources - thus hypergamy. If we are going to criticise men's natural tendencies, then we need to take a long hard look at female accessory, clothing, makeup, vanity fetish. Notice how men's sexuality in culture is generally viewed as self-ish, objectifying, dirty, voyueristic and even exploitatary whereas female sexuality is increasingly seen in the light of 'power to her', beautiful, liberating, deserved. This whole shit about the men being responsible for a woman's orgasm in sex. Faarck. Anyway, that's beside the point and needs more discussion than I'm going to give it here.

Basically don't be ashamed that the female body arouses you. That is natural. What's not natural is pornography. That endless, explicit variety that coupled with the internet gives anonymity and ease of access.

My GF and I talked about porn at the beginning of our relationship. She has no problem with me watching it and never saw it as competition.

Good on her. I like her confidence. My girlfriend is the same, but I also talked to her about it and she understood the benefit for me in not watching it and supports that. She watches it at times but veeeery rarely. I don't watch it at all. The fact that it is not a problem is what makes it not a problem for me. If she regularly used it to turn herself on, I'd take issue with that, but only to know why, hoping that a good conversation would follow. So happens she doesn't need porn to turn her on, says she's ready for it pretty much all the time and for her it's the real thing that drives her wild. That seems healthy to me.


Quite some ruminations and decisions in this last post of yours Vincent. How much of the effect porn has had on your have you talked about with your girlfriend? Can you be honest enough with her to tell her that you thought of others, that porn filled a void but that you are frustrated with everything it has caused and want to love her and find fulfillment in her? Do you want to go there?


Personally, I cherish the level of communication between myself and my girlfriend on these issues. I mean, she wants to study sexology so I do think she's more cluey than many but just talking openly about the things we like and would like stops the festering guilt and shame and hearing some of the things she likes and wants to try sort of blew my mind with regards to certain notions about female desire. Like, on its head. But you only get there by talking.

I think your level of serious is what it takes to make the kind of changes which quitting porn (where porn is a problem) entail about a person. Apparently it is on par with quitting heroin.

 

[Vincent]

Apparently it is on par with quitting heroin.

yes. this might be true. But it is the same with every addiction. YOu only can quit it if you want to quit it. There is no other way.

No. Here I'm gonna go against popular culture because I don't want you trying to do things which your biology and male sexuality in general has evolved into and given to you. Seriously I get sick of hearing the same stupid dirge over and over that men have to rise above their instincts to see women as potential mates and become something greater.

hehe, I can understand your point and to tell the truth I am quite the masculinist myself. It seems I didn't explain myself the way I wanted to. I meant it is a hindrance for me to see every boob, every ass as a pray to hunt. And this is where pron comes in play. It is NOT natural for a man to mentally assault every possible partner neither is it helpful to a basic routine.
It's not that i don't have any respect for women - why on earth should I not have any for them. It is more like I don't care to look futher than the outside. If I were single this would pobably - and has probably been during my single days - the highest hurdle when approaching a woman.

I agree with you that it is natural to get attracted and aroused by a female body - but that shouldn't be the only thing. Running after a pair of tits for the sake of a quick fuck is more of a leash for men than it is a factor of women's degradation. I mean, how on earth should I concentrate on my day when all i see is tits? this is not natural - and surely a withdrawal sign.

I love a woman's body - but it also is probably the stronges trigger to porn for me. If I get that under control I'll have made a big step.

MY GF not only hasn't any problem with me watching it. She never watches it, does no M and never needed any outside stimulation for anything. She had a way healthier approach to sexuality than I ever had.
She knows I watch porn, knows that I wank to porn, knows that I fancy the pornstars' bodies - but also knows that I am very much attracted to her.
However to tell her that I was attracted to some of her friends I think is not the right thing to do. It surely would help me to "come clean" - but only for my sake. For her this would mean "real competition" from a person she holds dear. Don't misunderstand me. Nothing ever happened between any of her friends and me. I just thought about it and found P-Star lookalikes. Nothing more. To me this is not much of a specific problem, since it did not matter who it was as long as there was porn. Everything else was fantasy. I wont say this is fair. But my mind created those fantasies and so I cannot lie about them. If my GF told me that she has sexual fantasies about some of my friends I would feel really hurt and probably couldn't mantain the same relationship to both of them. This would be unfair towards the friend - who knows nothing and is not at fault. and also towards my GF, because it is her fucking Fantasy and she can do what the fuck she wants with it - i just don't want to know what's up in everybody's head.

Relationships only prosper with truth. That is as true as the fact we need air to breath. But truth is also a sword. A sword cannot be held by two people at the same time. It will cut on the one side while it is protecting the other. Therefore the "sword of truth" should be used after seizing the whole situation. I once misjudged this situation and hurt a person very badly. It helped me in coming clean and feeling better - but basically ruined the life of this other person to a certain degree. Therefore I do everything like that with caution.

You are right about the change - I still trifle about my level of seriousness.....You already made it over the 30 days. And since I still have to go there I only can take your advice and thank you for it.

And btw. You seem to have a pretty good relationship with a girl open to sexuality. I can only congratulate you to that since not everybody has that. The last time I had fulfilling sex was about a year and a half ago - and this is all my fault, affecting also my GF's life and sexuality.  So you can consider yourself also a bit lucky to have this level of conversational and sexual trust to someone else. (no envy intended here ;D). This can help you with your recovery - although you will have to deal with more triggers.... but you seem strong enough to get past that.

I thank and respect you for your honest words.

 

[Vincent]

today was crazy.....at work. I am a cook at a show cooking restaurant which is heavily frequented especially during summer. And today there only seemed to be very hot girly with cleavages to the belly, naked legs to heaven and god, what nice asses.

My concentration was on it's lowest point. But it strangely did not urge me to need PMO when I came home. My GF is away for a week and so you would think - like I did 3 days ago - that I would go crazy and need Porn. but no. I simply didn't want to.

Also I only was attracted to those ladies for the short moment I saw them. Well of course me and the other guys in the kitchen talked but then it passed. It was more like - wow nice girl there....yes...ok...letzt go back to work.... And although it was difficult to concentrate time passed by without problems. I came home, watered the plants (I found cultivating different sorts of peppers as a nice hobby 2 years ago) prepared myself a nice dinner and still don't even think about PMO. And if I do - like right now - I smash that thought to pieces!

I have to say that it seems my determination has decided to show itself.....and now I need to follow through.  ;D

 

[Vincent]

It has been a bit wavering, my determination, at least today. I did a really huge workout, I jogged for 7 km and way faster than ever, I made a lot of laying low....and I was so tempted to watch porn again. Or at least pictures....I tried but then told myself: what for? and when I found one picture it was not interesting (you all may remember my hugo pornblocking division - so no explicite pics except if I turn everything off) That however is not possible any more - all passwords are hidden....crazy, what?

I can quite adept to it. I only have to focus on other things and than it usually takes 2-3 Minutes and I don't think of porn anymore - like right now, because I was again thinking about a scene but came here instead.

beside this journal, I am keeping track of my 30 days in a private one. there I will write down everything that happened, every trigger, every thought so that I can learn from it the next day. It is more like a therapeutic session than a diary, but it is helping me to at least see what I could have done instead of thinking to prevent me from watching porn. I basically need to get other stuff finished. And since my "office" at home and my "Wanker's place" are the same it is quite a problem. so I have to outsorce the Office, which I will do diligently from now on on weekdays - need to get the stuff done anyways.

So basically, although I had a minor set back with the picture, I have the feeling that I can do it this time and hopefully after one week I will be able to withstand most triggers.

 

[Vincent]

Day 7//30-Day challenge

this is crazy. I now even blocked the Appstore on my device to prevent myself from downloading another browser. It is like i hardly can control my actions. My brain is so focused on sex that I am going for everything related to porn. I see an ad for Bikinis...I get horny. I disabled any possibility for me to see pirctures of naked women or sexual content, but I cannot block out every woman around me, every add, and especially my GF... I kind of feel like the guy in the 40 days and nights movie, that only saw tits everywhere in the end of his challenge..

But you know what? Although I find myself searching for porn more than ever, craving it more than ever and sometimes even being frustrated and willed to give in and disable everything, I did not until now. OK, i touched my self sometime in the morning, had tremendous MW and I feel more like a predator in hunting than a guy when I walk around. But It seems to be working. My confidence is sky-high, my workouts are showing huge results and I really want to have sex instead of porn. This may sound crazy, but I actually preferred porn to sex....it seems to have started to change, which I deem very good. So there might be one first change. I also feel like I would lose this feeling with me PMOing, and so I think the maximum I could even do if confronted with porn is edging. However -> I would do it sure as hell. I feel my brain pushing me, my balls urging me and my body just wanting to have a run. I kind of enjoy this feeling.

Three month ago a picture of Carmen Electra in a sexy dress would not have been any turn on for me - now I get a boner if I see it. What a change, I'd say. I really want to see how far this will go. The next 23 Days are going to be crazy, hard and interesting at the same time. And those 30 days after even more. This time I just took away all opportunities, used 128-Bit Passwords that I could never remember (it kind of seemed arkward to me but I actually used a 20 Figure password once to block porn and remembered it without problems after typing it once - why can't I use that for other stuff????) and hid those passwords so that I cannot get them.

I feel like I have to force myself to exclude porn from my life, because I simply couldn't get the willpower up. And now there are no more exploits for me tu? use. I know this because I caught myself today looking for porn in the morning, I tried, Pictures, Erotica, download sites, streams - nothing was possible. I got frustrated and tried to figure out the passwor - not possible. Then I looked at the next best thing: the above said Carmen Electra Pic - I got a huge boner. I nearly started to wank on a picture of a fully dressed woman again - and then I started laughing ;D because It was so funny. I was cornered. I cornered myself. And then I let it go. Lets see how this works out.....

 

[Vincent]

Day 8....
Wow this is killing me. Whenever I have the chance to even google a picture of any barely naked or sexy woman, I do it. It is trmendously difficult. So I excluded porn-vids, porn Pics, adult rated content and everything you can block. But you can't block everything. It took me a while to see that, but eventually - and ironically - it comes down to willpower.

On the one hand I feel goog that I get aroused by a picture that only shows a dressed person.
On the other I know this is my brain's substitute for porn.

So I blocked everything possible - and have to go the remaining miles myself. Although it is really hard. I sometimes barely can stop myself searching for adult content. And IF I don't find anything i get flashbacks of scenes I saw. This is cruel. And not even a good workout is helping.....

I reverted to slap myself 3 times whenever I felt the urge. It shocks...and what's more shocking: i get used to it. This is addiction at its finest...

what should I do? It's like I am running around a box of cookies with constant appetite but there is a sour taste to them in my memory....but they do look delicious..

This means I have to try harder. Basta. I'm still on no PMO but I am so fucking tempted. I want to M but I don't want to O because I would ruin my streak. this is F***** up..... But I knew what I signed up for so i apologise herewith for my whining to all of you.

 

[fnatk]

Hey man, I know how the temptations just sometimes takes a hold of you, all you wanna do is look at boobs etc, you're constantly thinking about old scenes you've watched and fantasies play over and over again in your mind... its part of the process. Its that addicted brain trying to get some action!

I put up the two blocking software I use (K9 and Web Filter add-on for Firefox) and then did certain searches to check it out... and a lot of stuff is unblocked still. One could disable images completely but then almost no web page works at all! Feels like 99% of links nowadays are through images.

Anyway, in the end it does come down to willpower, really. I've just not gone in on the web pages that I used to visit where I know there is borderline material (Except twice on 9gag, for like 10 seconds).

Pick up a book, leave the house for a walk, go visit a friend... take a cold shower! Never mind if its your 5th shower of the day, just take another! Its the early stages that are the hardest, you just have to really battle through it even if its hard as hell. But you can do it, I'm getting close to that 3 week mark and it feels awesome! On Sunday I'll have been 3 weeks clean and know that its only 1 more week for a month clean which will be the longest I've gone since I started watching P at the age of 13.

You're 8 days clean, that's GOOD. But you can go further, you know you can and you WILL if you just hang in there! Don't give in to the addiction! I'm giving you a *virtual fistbump*, you can do this Vincent!

 

[Vincent]

Thanks man!
That were the words I needed!
(i blocked pictures as well in firefox. So only the pics will not show but the site will load still. Just without pics -> about:config -> permissions.image.default -> change factor to "2").

I am fully convinced that I can do it now. Because I saw the benefits yesterday. 

Having helped a friend with his relocation I went home by train yesterday. The train was full of dirt and bottles because many football fans were rioting beforehand in there. Most of the people were calm and I had a really big family sitting next to me. After a while another group of drunk guys came in and were singing songs about how they would fuck our mothers and all women were bitches. They were drunk and stuff but very annoying. After a few people left they felt encouraged and became louder, scaring the children. So I stood up, went there and told them that they should behave at least in front of young children and that they were behaving like idiots which was not necessary - although a saturday night. I seemed to say it in the right tone (calm, friendly but still demanding enough) so they agreed, shut down the music and lowered their voices. Problem was that the father of the family (arabic descendant) already came running at those guys and was furious because he felt insulted by their words - understandable. But he was way to agressive and shouted - so i put myself in front of him and stopped him. Then I saw that he already had taken out a very big knife and was swinging it around telling the boys he would kill them. I got a little angry, pushed him back and told him to think about his children and wife, what an example he would be for them with this and that he should stop it now or I would be forced take further action. Again I seemed to have found the right tone and he stopped it. I went after him and said that he should be careful with that. What would his children gain from a father in prison for manslaughter? It was then when I probably went a bit overboard and told him that I was a detective off-duty and could get him arrested for possession of that knife. Ok - I understand that I should probably not have impersonated an officer of the law, as this is a felony as well. Thing is: he was already calling out to all arabic looking guys in the train to beat up those other guys after they got off the train. So I wanted to prevent that as well. 

The point is: I would never ever have had the balls to do any of that three month ago. I would have sat in my bench hoping nothing would happen to me. And its not the fact that I did not feel a coward anymore but that I really cared about what happened there. I wanted to take action and I felt like real man (as silly as this may sound here). This now really scattered any doubts about the effect of not PMOing for me.

There are hard days - probably every day during the first month. But it really is worth it because it affects more than just your lovelife. And opposite to what I tought, I does not increase aggression. It lowers it. I feel better, more calm and healthier. And although my balls feel like they will explode soon, it is my determination now that pushes me forward and not the fear of breaking the streak.

Ah, and the next two weeks I will be very lucky, because I will absolutely not have any time to be tempted. lots of work to do. This feels good as well.

 

[Vincent]

Today is the 12th day of my new try.
And although I excluded any Pornmotion and Picture from my repartoire I still feel a strong urge to look at P and jerk off.
Well It think this is normal. What I do however is not. I look at Pictures of Pornstars - dressed. I get hard by that. And it surely lets my dopamine fly - or so I think because it is actually not the same feeling and I still would like to watch moving porn more than just those dressed pictures. What I noticed however: I now find it more attractive to look at dressed woman instead of naked girls. It attracts me more - because I think to still have the possibility to uncover them myself. This might be a forming of a new fetish so I took different precautions.

Today I nearly slipped and actually looked intentionally at those pictures. It was no real porn, ok. But it fulfills the same purpose. So Instead of porn I now get hard to picutres on google images? pathetic, I know. And before I start MOing to that I now disabled my PC for home usage. I can only use it at UNI, where I cannot do that.

Another change: occasional MO every three weeks if I need to. every three weeks seemed to be an acceptable time period for me. However I will start this only after I successfully mastered the 30 Days without PMO/MO.
I thought about how I can countinue my life without sex and orgasms. And there simply did not show any possibility to live without that for me at least. Therefore I want to have something changing in my perception to it. On the one hand I want to be able to have sex every day. On the other, having sex with myself every day is preventing exactly that. So I need to change my view on that. I need to see both, sex with a woman and sex with myself as something that is good for me. The one I do with myself however shall not be more frequent than tha one I do with my GF.

It may be only a theory, yes. And it might only be a fling of mine because I just want to get off so bad right now. But I will try to change my whole behaviour from here on. I think I kind of missunderstood the "reboot" a little. It is not another word for rewiring. It is a fresh start from zero regarding arousal and sexual stimuli. So I need to go back to being not influenced by virtual stimulation and only by real one. The rewiring, I hope, is connected to my sensations. One of the key pieces to my orgasm is the stimulation I need to get off. I now remembered how the PIED started with me. I first could simply not achieve O during sex. So I had a rock hard boner but was not able to sense enough to come. We did that a couple of times. My brain probably then realized, that having sex is less rewarding than doing it by myself. And when my normal M methods did not work anymore I used deathgrip and other things. My aim basically is so revert to an intense sensitivity or better to be able to reach an orgasm with one touch and then to train myself to come whenever I want to. 

This all is future related hopes. For now I need to focus on no PMO for the 30 days and dan develope a health relation to myself without porn and to accept that it is ok not to get off every week. Everything that happens with my GF is excluded naturally.  I hope that I can finally achieve a distance to porn that way, finding it irrelevant for my sexlife eventually - because nobody needs it actually to get off, I think.

Ahh and there is one other thing. I remembered that I used to wank to porn to because I did not want my GF to have the upper hand in the "we do it when I want" game. So I tought to show women that I did not need them to get off was a way of strenghtening my masculinity. It was the opposite. If I now rethink, it actually is more of a strength if you can still think clearly while not having had sex for a while. When I used to watch porn everyday and O to it, I did not feel any attraction to girls, didn't even get a boner. I however became uncontrollably horny whenever I did NOT PMO one day. This did not push me towards women ironically, but towards my PC to do PMO as fast as possible because I was horny. It is, seen from my current standpoint hard to concentrate for me now exactly because I see boobs n asses everywhere but don't allow myself to follow through with my usual response. It should be normal to be able to talk and be around a woman without one's cock always wanting to jump out of the pants like we learned it from porn. And because I realise this now I  think I can change my approach to that. And I also noticed some change. The first thing I do when I look at any woman, including my GF, is in the eyes. Of course not as intense as I would to my GF but it is not the body anymore. And although my balls feel blue and it seems to be a restrainment I put on myself - I feel better than before and more free because I know it is ok not to have sex today but to wait until I can.

I hope I can go further than this and will eventually be strong enough to throw porn out of my life and let making love back in.

 

[Vincent]

About to reach the 14 Day mark, which is nearly half of my current challenge.
And what can I say? to ban my PC from home was the best Idea I ever had in regards to no PMO.

Today is the second day - I'm at Uni right now - and I did not feel any urge to switch on my pc at home. What I get however, are uncontrolled boners in public, when I see a hot girl. And that reminds me of my teens.....while being annoying as hell.

At the moment I do not miss porn. Sure i would like to M or if being more specific, to O. But when I am outside i simply want to have sex. This is one hell of a withdrawal syndrome. I can manage though. Currently, I am upgrading my sports programme and am doing more study stuff, than ever. Since using internet at uni for stuff like forum writing and series, I realized how seldom i really need to use internet and how often my usage of PC is simply boredom-related.
Now, when at home, I pick up a book or cook something nice. Then I go outside. Due to this I not only feel more relaxed but stronger and aware of what's happening around me. It is a really good feeling.
Harvest time soon will start and I finally can collect my peppers to make some nice hotsauce - another one of my few hobbies. And as the effects of no PMO become more and more evident, I am excited to see how they feel in another 15 Days.

It btw is kind of nice to have the experience one has during the reboot in acondensed form of a journal. I learned a lot by reading many of the journals here during the last weeks and want to say how much I appreciate everybody sharing.

 

[Vincent]

On my 17th day now. To not use the PC at home when alone works. It really helps me not to connect any P and M at all.
I also see results regarding time-planning. I use more time for reading and sports - unfortunately for TV as well which I now aim to reduce. I am getting the hang on how to live without MO and especially without Pornvideos. The visual stimulation is very hard to control however. It is next to impossible to block all picutes of sexy women or to look away. So I try to hadle it by not allowing myself to access them. It works. And although I really want to have sex with my girlfriend - and she does not (which was one of the problems why I used Porn in the first place) I am not angry anymore about not getting it. It is ok for me as long as it does not turn back to having sex once a month (we already had a talk about that years ago...and I then told her that I have to use Porn since she does not want to...which was very wrong of me). 

This night I had an erotic dream like hell. It really was crazy and I woke up with a boner of steel...so well ;D of course I tried to continue this dream in Real Life ---- but she did not. Two years ago I would have been angry. To day I said: ok. And went to the kitchen to make some coffee. She then asked me to come back . And I said: you did not want to so you have to wait until I want to again . Your loss. Then we had breakfast and were all good mood.
The thing is: Since I don't have to get sex - like I used to think and If I didn't get it I behaved like a child - I simply enjoy other stuff. I don't have to get off - so I don't cry about it, if it wont happen. THis makes my life easier and my relationship better. Nevertheless, if I want to I make it clear - and don't jump around the fire. I feel like I gained back some respect from both me and also my GF who perhaps might have thought me to be a wussy or not interested in her.

Facit: I can see the improvement and am more than convinced to continue it every day that passes.