Day 3
On August 20 I got drunk as fuck and I had an argument with my dad about it. I told him I was going to quit, for maybe the hundredth time in 7 years. I have 3 days without porn and alcohol as of today. I feel lethargic and depressed. I'm not in the mood for anything. You know, I wish my parents did more than just waiting for me to quit alcohol, sometimes I feel like I'm doing this on my own but I guess nobody is perfect, I probably shouldn't have expectations from them and rather have expectations from me. Waking up one day knowing I can't "medicate" myself anymore is scarier than any horror movie, not to forget to say that it's more depressing than Requiem for a dream.
I don't usually like to talk about this:
I've been struggling with the idea whether to look for help from doctors or not. I wanted to do it on my own and I even thought I could... until I wasn't so sure anymore. It all fell apart. All this shit is a result of everything that has happened and I felt deep inside I really needed to do something about it, something more. Look, I believed that if I quit my addictions, everything would be great. I put all the blame for how I felt on my addictions, failing (or maybe better said keeping myself in denial?) about the fact that the addictions are the symptom not the cause. The reason why I've been avoiding things like therapy was because I have this thing, I can't talk about all this in front of people because it makes me feel weak. I always thought "Going in front of a guy to say all this will make me look weak, and doing it in front of a woman will be even more difficult, a woman seeing me weak". That's how my thoughts would go. I don't know, they are doctors and everything but before this, they to me are still people watching me, you feel me? This is something I only said it now. I can say it being anonymous, in text, like this, but I would probably not do it if I had to use my voice, even if people didn't see me. Then I started telling myself: "Everything will be great, I just need to quit my addictions and then I could work on my life" but then I realized I couldn't really do shit about my addictions. This is the most open I've been so far around here. I've made some progress with my issues from childhood but it's not enough. I got stuck and now I feel like I'm even going back to that depression from 10 years ago... because of my age. I'm almost 31. If I was 21, I wouldn't feel like this.
I honestly, I don't know where all this is going to go. For now, I feel like shit and tomorrow I wake up early, which I'm not excited about. I'm depressed and all I want is to be left alone, meanwhile I have to not be depressed and take care of work... Anyway, I don't know, I might or might not delete this.