Definitely!
I appreciate the clarification, brother…
I appreciate the clarification, brother…
How Shall We Escape?
- Thread starter Phineas 808
- Start date
particularly_respecting
Active Member
Great job noticing the trigger and shutting it down - definitely something I need to work on myself
Thank you for another insightful post as always
Thank you, Particularly!
Becoming aware of what cues (triggers) us is so important, but it does take practice. It's helpful in the early days- or stages to make a list of all the things that have 'triggered' us in the past, those things that seem to spark the fire for us, or that put us in that place of temptation. It may be good to list outward triggers versus inward triggers, like in the early days it could be some scantily clad woman on a billboard as an outward trigger, or feeling rejected at work as an inward trigger- for examples.
The reason I don't use the word 'trigger' and prefer cue is that trigger seems to almost take the option of a different response out of our hand. Whereas when we're cued, our response (or preferably, non-response) is always in our power- no matter how addicted we are.
Another thing is that, while we don't unwisely put ourselves in situations where we may have a bad outcome, we don't necessarily run from our cues. Why? Because when we make outward circumstances 'bigger than life', we take power away from ourselves and surrender it to places, objects, things.
An example, what if we always relapse when we get on our phone? We could avoid our phone (the trigger) like the plague, but then we never learn that we are the masters. Instead, take your phone with you into the restroom (as example), but don't get on it. The phone being there is a cue, but the response (not getting on it) is totally in your control. When we realize this, we begin to master our habits and addictions.
I used to avoid driving through the red-light districts in my city, or where the porno book stores were. But this created a 'mystique' that made the area a major trigger for me... Instead, when I learned this principle, I purposely drove through those areas (and still do) if it's on my route, and it's no big deal to me anymore. Many of our so-called triggers will change over time.
particularly_respecting
Active Member
Very insightful as always @Phineas 808. Thank you for the considered response
Never thought about the implications of "trigger"
Probably I will continue using it on my own journal but I like your way of thinking!
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Phineas, 1 month is good progress so far, man!
Thank you, Escape! I do have a couple of lengthy streaks from last year that I plan to beat, and so this is a good and promising start.
Thank you, brother! I'm grateful to share. I know that the way I post is as transparent as my honesty-challenged heart can muster, as I myself may look back on this one day and say, "How was I thinking during that great streak? What was my winning mentality? How did I shut shite down?" So grateful that this can be a blessing to others, as well.
Likewise, have a good weekend! (heading over to your journal)
My weekly check-in, for honesty, self-reflection and self-accountability.
Where am I now?
I am now currently 35 days free from P, PMO, and MO. This is over 1 month free. I have attained my ideal 0x episodes for the month of April.
I came out of a rocky ending for 2021, having lapsed 5x (P > 3x, PMO > 1x, MO > 1x). The first P episode on November 7th ended a 157 day streak (-2x > MO).
The year 2022 so far:
January: 2x episodes > MO.
February: 0x episodes, but with on and off battles to edging and p-subs.
March: 4x episodes > P (x2), PMO (x2), which the 4th ended a 64 day (P) and a 47 day (MO) streaks respectively.
April: 0x episodes with minimal p-subs or edging.
This cleaner feeling and more focused month resulted from directly changing my phone and social media habits.
What was helpful or hurtful?
The newer habits are helpful. However, my reward-Saturday was potentially hurtful at night, as I was cued by a (or that) particular user on TikTok.
Having a less restrictive day on Saturday, not in terms of content but in freedom of use, has been helpful overall. But what must be watched out for is having this freedom 'burn' you by seeing the wrong content, or by not being vigilant or watchful.
Have I made progress or regressed this week?
I feel I've made overall progress this week, in staying true to my new schedule regarding the phone and social media. It's rewarding to see, for example, on Instagram that I average 1 minute a week- or 0 minutes each day, except for Saturdays.
At the start of the week, had some users message me on Whatsapp, for either scams or sextortion schemes (?), but craftily engaged then deleted/blocked. This was a non-issue.
At the end of the week, was cued by a particular (a repeat) user from my viewing history, clicked to refollow- but it didn't occur (?). Good. But this 'refollow' was done so as to offset potential obsessing. I had strong urges to edge or MO last night, but prevented where my hands were going, used self-talk, "Stop!" and breathed through it until the urges passed.
What area needs extra focus this coming week?
To not follow up on my being cued last night by disregarding my new schedule and phone habits >is a must! The key right now is reinforcement: repetition, repetition, repetition! Everything can change in a day, and what seemed like an inevitable action can result in having a fresh mindset the following day.
How are you feeling now?
I was feeling urges come up, of course last night- but there was no episode- and this morning. I was actually reading at the time, but dismissed the urges as I went about my regular routine.
Deeper issues or concerns?
My wife and I haven't had sex in perhaps the whole month of April! (I guess I'm doing hard-mode?
) There are needs she's expressing, but mixed signals as well, and it's frustrating... There's anger that comes up on my part toward her, and I have to keep it in check because they seem to reach to deeper places where resentment and regret could be issues...
My goal is to make love at least 1x a week, and so... We tried one night recently, and though I don't have PIED, I had performance anxiety come up and Ol' Willy didn't want to perform.
Special Question # 16. How does my acting-out hurt others?
Where to begin? I read today in another's journal and it reminded me of my own emotional unavailability during the most tender years of my own child's upbringing. This person related a trauma their child went through, and the inability at the time to be there for them... My child (now a legal adult) went through a trauma, and I can see how blaming myself for not being there for her, to a degree, is warranted.
My wife and daughter have been hurt by my acting out in the past. They didn't have the husband and father I could have been during those times, or even recently. Emotional neglect, and a lack of intimacy hurt them. Though I am far more available than in the past, I'm still quite insulated from others closest to me. And I may not fully know how to break through?
Of course the person I could've been as a younger man, trying to find my way after the abusive church, and in a marriage that reeled from two disclosed secretive behaviors of mine (1994, 2003)... I was a self-enclosed invidual behind the bars of his own addictions, and all the narcissism that goes with that... My calling and gifting, how were these set aside? How many people could've benefitted from a fully present and 'gifted' minister? These things are hard to know or calculate. But no doubt, porn or sex addiction are not victimless behaviors.
Be well, All.
Where am I now?
I am now currently 35 days free from P, PMO, and MO. This is over 1 month free. I have attained my ideal 0x episodes for the month of April.
I came out of a rocky ending for 2021, having lapsed 5x (P > 3x, PMO > 1x, MO > 1x). The first P episode on November 7th ended a 157 day streak (-2x > MO).
The year 2022 so far:
January: 2x episodes > MO.
February: 0x episodes, but with on and off battles to edging and p-subs.
March: 4x episodes > P (x2), PMO (x2), which the 4th ended a 64 day (P) and a 47 day (MO) streaks respectively.
April: 0x episodes with minimal p-subs or edging.
This cleaner feeling and more focused month resulted from directly changing my phone and social media habits.
What was helpful or hurtful?
The newer habits are helpful. However, my reward-Saturday was potentially hurtful at night, as I was cued by a (or that) particular user on TikTok.
Having a less restrictive day on Saturday, not in terms of content but in freedom of use, has been helpful overall. But what must be watched out for is having this freedom 'burn' you by seeing the wrong content, or by not being vigilant or watchful.
Have I made progress or regressed this week?
I feel I've made overall progress this week, in staying true to my new schedule regarding the phone and social media. It's rewarding to see, for example, on Instagram that I average 1 minute a week- or 0 minutes each day, except for Saturdays.
At the start of the week, had some users message me on Whatsapp, for either scams or sextortion schemes (?), but craftily engaged then deleted/blocked. This was a non-issue.
At the end of the week, was cued by a particular (a repeat) user from my viewing history, clicked to refollow- but it didn't occur (?). Good. But this 'refollow' was done so as to offset potential obsessing. I had strong urges to edge or MO last night, but prevented where my hands were going, used self-talk, "Stop!" and breathed through it until the urges passed.
What area needs extra focus this coming week?
To not follow up on my being cued last night by disregarding my new schedule and phone habits >is a must! The key right now is reinforcement: repetition, repetition, repetition! Everything can change in a day, and what seemed like an inevitable action can result in having a fresh mindset the following day.
How are you feeling now?
I was feeling urges come up, of course last night- but there was no episode- and this morning. I was actually reading at the time, but dismissed the urges as I went about my regular routine.
Deeper issues or concerns?
My wife and I haven't had sex in perhaps the whole month of April! (I guess I'm doing hard-mode?
) There are needs she's expressing, but mixed signals as well, and it's frustrating... There's anger that comes up on my part toward her, and I have to keep it in check because they seem to reach to deeper places where resentment and regret could be issues...My goal is to make love at least 1x a week, and so... We tried one night recently, and though I don't have PIED, I had performance anxiety come up and Ol' Willy didn't want to perform.
Special Question # 16. How does my acting-out hurt others?
Where to begin? I read today in another's journal and it reminded me of my own emotional unavailability during the most tender years of my own child's upbringing. This person related a trauma their child went through, and the inability at the time to be there for them... My child (now a legal adult) went through a trauma, and I can see how blaming myself for not being there for her, to a degree, is warranted.
My wife and daughter have been hurt by my acting out in the past. They didn't have the husband and father I could have been during those times, or even recently. Emotional neglect, and a lack of intimacy hurt them. Though I am far more available than in the past, I'm still quite insulated from others closest to me. And I may not fully know how to break through?
Of course the person I could've been as a younger man, trying to find my way after the abusive church, and in a marriage that reeled from two disclosed secretive behaviors of mine (1994, 2003)... I was a self-enclosed invidual behind the bars of his own addictions, and all the narcissism that goes with that... My calling and gifting, how were these set aside? How many people could've benefitted from a fully present and 'gifted' minister? These things are hard to know or calculate. But no doubt, porn or sex addiction are not victimless behaviors.
Be well, All.
Last edited:
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Hey, man, it's looking good. Zero relapses so far! This is a good beginning. Social media is a bad neighborhood for porn addicts like us, I don't spend any time on neither Facebook, Tik Tok, Instagram, Twitter but I consume a lot of Youtube and there are many porn subs on Youtube too... I know what you mean. But you're doing fine, you ignore the urges, it's gonna work I'm telling you. Big up! 
Thank you, Escape! I think it's important to have two final outcomes from our recovery/reboot:
1. To no longer have to identify as a 'porn addict', but to know that this is no longer who or 'what' we are. We're free from our addictions and habits, have found new and healthy coping skills, and have no intention of ever going back- and nor do we have to!
2. To know how to operate in the world, with all its temptations and potential pitfalls, but without constantly looking over our shoulder as if we're inherently flawed and could in no wise be trusted ever again. To be a man in control of himself, that we can interact in our business, our work, our public and private lives, entertainment, social media (if that's one's thing), or any other medium, and be in control- even when interacting with drop-dead gorgeous women, without an ounce of selfish lust, predatory behavior, disrespect, fully in control of oneself.
Of course this new person we're becoming is not stupid, does not put himself in harm's way, knows what could trip him up, and just naturally avoids high-risk situations. But it's not because we're so fragile and weak, but because we have a new hunger and thirst for what's healthy for us. Our inner tastes will have changed to where we now treat porn like we would 'blacktar heroin', we'd never touch the stuff!
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Definitely. That's what we're looking for.
particularly_respecting
Active Member
Thank you for another insightful post - some hard truths in there but I think your proactive approach is very helpful for the community
Great job hitting over a month with zero episodes too!
Great job hitting over a month with zero episodes too!
Thank you for another insightful post - some hard truths in there but I think your proactive approach is very helpful for the community
Great job hitting over a month with zero episodes too!
Thank you, PR !
I find this proactive approach necessary, as it's all too easy to fall back into mindless habits!
Thank you, brother! God bless you, too!
ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
It's amazing to see you grow as a person and as a future ex-addict. You're doing excellent. Thanks for the insightfullposts. Here and on other threads
Thank you, Shade! I'm certainly not there yet, and hope to share my latest challenges and victories soon...!