Thank you, Blondie! That really means a lot, and I'm so grateful that my sometimes lengthy posts have somewhat to offer.
For sure, the next check-in will be 'action packed', lol...!
How Shall We Escape?
- Thread starter Phineas 808
- Start date
Thank you, Blondie! That really means a lot, and I'm so grateful that my sometimes lengthy posts have somewhat to offer.
For sure, the next check-in will be 'action packed', lol...!
Checking in on this Mother's Day, hope you all have a good one.
Where am I now?
I am now 42 days without P, PMO or MO. This is of course 6 weeks now.
At the start of the week, stemming from being cued that previous Saturday, that Sunday night I had struggles with p-subs and edging.
That following Monday I had opportunity alone to act out, I was still obsessing on that TikTok user, and had thoughts/urges to visit that and then to P afterwards. I was certain I was going to lapse at this time, but I didn't. Instead, I prayed it through- and it seemed at the time to be the only thing that would've worked for me... That Monday night I did view p-subs and edged (10 minutes), stopped and went back to bed. I had powerful imagery playing in my head, but kind of 'went with it', but didn't MO or edge any more, just went to sleep.
What was helpful or hurtful?
I know this will sound counter-intuitive, but I went ahead and refollowed that particular user on TikTok to remove the obsessive nature of it, to de-mystify it.
I stuck to my new schedule overall, despite what Monday night looked like. This was a salvation for me, because I knew that given the space of time away from any stimuli that social media provides, I would come back to my new normal. What was a kind of 3 day obsession calmed back down to equanimity, and so- no fault.
In this sense, making peace with following this particular user meant taking away it's obsessive nature, took away its mystique. True, it would be racey for me to watch endlessly, but it is helpful rather to not 'fight' this, but to accept it, to let it be as it is, without engaging it like a big fight. When it comes up in my feed, it's an opportunity to see it as it is, without judgment, to let it pass, to breathe through it if that's necessary. If I'm of the mind later, I can delete this- or unfollow it. It's only as big a deal as I choose to make of it- this is worth working with.
Have I made progress or regressed this week?
While I could discuss regress, really it's a progression in my overall recovery. Why? True this was the most serious challenge to this streak so far, it was a learning lesson: acceptance, non-resistance, self-understanding, self-control, and dealing with this stimuli in the spirit of ERP or extinction therapy.
What area needs extra focus this coming week?
Continuing with my new habits surrounding phone use and social media as being 1x week, unless posting on purpose. Of course I'll consult Youtube and Twitter throughout the week for news, and I'll use Spotify and Youtube for my morning motivational videos, podcasts, or these for inspiring sermons.
How are you feeling now?
I'm feeling good. I had my reward-Saturday, without any episode, or without being cued. I even saw the user in question come up in my feed once or twice, but it wasn't drawing me in, or it didn't cue me, or have that effect. By that following Tuesday on, I was okay for that.
Deeper issues or concerns?
My special-friend divulged that either in February or March, she went in to my daughter's place of work, and asked her name- but my daughter goes by a different name in front of her friends- and didn't recognize her. She did ask if I was her dad, and she said, 'Yes'. But that's as far as it went (?), and so far no mention of it from either my daughter or my wife. Though she and I are just friends, the secretive nature of the friendship could cause irreparable damage to my marriage, and possibly end it. It would hurt or devastate my wife...
This leads me back to the inevitable end of my friendship with this person, and so I'm going back into silence. I was contemplating asking more questions, getting more info, but why? Though this person has been trusted to be discreet, that can no longer be trusted. But really, it's not for that reason only, but the whole nature of the friendship is unfortunately a thing to be sacrificed for the 'greater good' of my marriage and household. Thus there will be unavoidable sadness and pain on my part, but if I alone bear it, I'd rather that than my wife be hurt.
My wife and I did make love the other night, and all went well for all involved.
Special Question # 17. How does my acting-out hurt myself?
When I act out, though potentially pleasurable as hell, I slowly poison myself with isolation. Each time is a negation of myself as someone worthy of love in the context of relationship, that it's something I must get by myself in isolation. It's an affirmation of loneliness, a coddling of a child who was deemed unworthy of love, of affection, of nurturing. It reaffirms this ancient lie fed to me since childhood. Each moment, each incident or episode breaks down my ability to connect with others, particularly with my wife and family.
There's the neurochemicals that fry the dopamine receptors, making life less and less enjoyable on its own terms. I have to engage in ever escalating genres and novelty to maintain that high. There's the danger of PIED, which so far hasn't been an issue. But to be sure, the lack of confidence and/or guilt associated with my acting out has caused performance anxiety here and there with the wife. And there's the irony of leaning on p-memory to keep Ol' Willy engaged, though this is not really necessary.
And not lastly, acting-out hurts me spiritually. This is not who or what I am. I'm a child of God, holy, sanctified, a new creation. This is antithetical to my morals, my calling and purpose as a minister, and is not reflective of the young man (1990-91) who once hated sin for its being an affront to God and damaging to the soul.
Be well, All.
Where am I now?
I am now 42 days without P, PMO or MO. This is of course 6 weeks now.
At the start of the week, stemming from being cued that previous Saturday, that Sunday night I had struggles with p-subs and edging.
That following Monday I had opportunity alone to act out, I was still obsessing on that TikTok user, and had thoughts/urges to visit that and then to P afterwards. I was certain I was going to lapse at this time, but I didn't. Instead, I prayed it through- and it seemed at the time to be the only thing that would've worked for me... That Monday night I did view p-subs and edged (10 minutes), stopped and went back to bed. I had powerful imagery playing in my head, but kind of 'went with it', but didn't MO or edge any more, just went to sleep.
What was helpful or hurtful?
I know this will sound counter-intuitive, but I went ahead and refollowed that particular user on TikTok to remove the obsessive nature of it, to de-mystify it.
I stuck to my new schedule overall, despite what Monday night looked like. This was a salvation for me, because I knew that given the space of time away from any stimuli that social media provides, I would come back to my new normal. What was a kind of 3 day obsession calmed back down to equanimity, and so- no fault.
In this sense, making peace with following this particular user meant taking away it's obsessive nature, took away its mystique. True, it would be racey for me to watch endlessly, but it is helpful rather to not 'fight' this, but to accept it, to let it be as it is, without engaging it like a big fight. When it comes up in my feed, it's an opportunity to see it as it is, without judgment, to let it pass, to breathe through it if that's necessary. If I'm of the mind later, I can delete this- or unfollow it. It's only as big a deal as I choose to make of it- this is worth working with.
Have I made progress or regressed this week?
While I could discuss regress, really it's a progression in my overall recovery. Why? True this was the most serious challenge to this streak so far, it was a learning lesson: acceptance, non-resistance, self-understanding, self-control, and dealing with this stimuli in the spirit of ERP or extinction therapy.
What area needs extra focus this coming week?
Continuing with my new habits surrounding phone use and social media as being 1x week, unless posting on purpose. Of course I'll consult Youtube and Twitter throughout the week for news, and I'll use Spotify and Youtube for my morning motivational videos, podcasts, or these for inspiring sermons.
How are you feeling now?
I'm feeling good. I had my reward-Saturday, without any episode, or without being cued. I even saw the user in question come up in my feed once or twice, but it wasn't drawing me in, or it didn't cue me, or have that effect. By that following Tuesday on, I was okay for that.
Deeper issues or concerns?
My special-friend divulged that either in February or March, she went in to my daughter's place of work, and asked her name- but my daughter goes by a different name in front of her friends- and didn't recognize her. She did ask if I was her dad, and she said, 'Yes'. But that's as far as it went (?), and so far no mention of it from either my daughter or my wife. Though she and I are just friends, the secretive nature of the friendship could cause irreparable damage to my marriage, and possibly end it. It would hurt or devastate my wife...
This leads me back to the inevitable end of my friendship with this person, and so I'm going back into silence. I was contemplating asking more questions, getting more info, but why? Though this person has been trusted to be discreet, that can no longer be trusted. But really, it's not for that reason only, but the whole nature of the friendship is unfortunately a thing to be sacrificed for the 'greater good' of my marriage and household. Thus there will be unavoidable sadness and pain on my part, but if I alone bear it, I'd rather that than my wife be hurt.
My wife and I did make love the other night, and all went well for all involved.
Special Question # 17. How does my acting-out hurt myself?
When I act out, though potentially pleasurable as hell, I slowly poison myself with isolation. Each time is a negation of myself as someone worthy of love in the context of relationship, that it's something I must get by myself in isolation. It's an affirmation of loneliness, a coddling of a child who was deemed unworthy of love, of affection, of nurturing. It reaffirms this ancient lie fed to me since childhood. Each moment, each incident or episode breaks down my ability to connect with others, particularly with my wife and family.
There's the neurochemicals that fry the dopamine receptors, making life less and less enjoyable on its own terms. I have to engage in ever escalating genres and novelty to maintain that high. There's the danger of PIED, which so far hasn't been an issue. But to be sure, the lack of confidence and/or guilt associated with my acting out has caused performance anxiety here and there with the wife. And there's the irony of leaning on p-memory to keep Ol' Willy engaged, though this is not really necessary.
And not lastly, acting-out hurts me spiritually. This is not who or what I am. I'm a child of God, holy, sanctified, a new creation. This is antithetical to my morals, my calling and purpose as a minister, and is not reflective of the young man (1990-91) who once hated sin for its being an affront to God and damaging to the soul.
Be well, All.
Last edited:
Thank you, Blondie! Those victories are crucial in building confidence that we can indeed say, 'No', and build on our streak- our forever streak- away from porn.
Much of what I'm to write below was after taking notes throughout the week and analyzing what happened, and so it wasn't until things unfolded that I was able to make important connections.
Where am I now?
I am now 49 days without P, PMO or MO.
For the second week in a row, the week started off with struggles... [reader discretion is advised]
Monday morning in the wee hours, I had strange dreams trouble me, which remind me of the spiritual nature of my fight. Regardless of this, I still edged for a little while, stopped, went back to sleep.
Tuesday afternoon at a restaurant for lunch the table in front of me (behind my wife), there was a beautiful young lady who paid me attention, despite her being with her boyfriend (husband?). We kept looking at each other... When she got up to leave, she was drop-dead gorgeous to me, very busty... She continued to pay me discreet attention as she left... I wanted to stare, but was with my wife. And throughout the week I was thinking about her, and wanted to see her again...!
Wednesday (morning into the evening): I dealt with a flattering user from Yelp (yes, Yelp!) with whom I interacted for a while until she tried to get me to go over to some Google social app where she could continue to 'catfish' me. I knew where this was going, but enjoyed the initial attention, as her pics were lovely (probably not even her!). I did finally delete/block her.
Then we went to hear our friend's mother's cancer diagnosis. Afterward we went for lunch. I was very woman-conscious, and noticed several women (two customers and a waitress) who were very busty, and again, I wanted to just stare but was with my wife and our guests.
That evening I uploaded a TikTok video, and in the process the particular user came up in my feed- which means that my phone wasn't face down while loading, contrary to my stated guidelines. Again that evening I watched T.V. but could tell that I wanted to see p-subs. A movie was playing and I knew based on the movie (though I've never seen it) what might happen... sure enough, saw brief frontal nudity (tame, for 1 minute). I changed channels wanted to go back, was angry that my wife was in the kitchen. As I got ready for bed I had a kind of 'letting go' attitude, and violated my schedule and watched TikTok videos (p-subs). I fantasized about the particular user, wanted to edge, but I didn't- I just went to sleep.
What was helpful or hurtful?
It was hurtful that I forgot how an attractive woman paying me attention can cue me toward addictive behaviors. It also was hurtful to not take into account that, with the social media use under control, old pathways (public, T.V., movies) can become ways to act out. Included in this are 'new ways' to act out emerging, such as being catfished to either Whatsapp or other venues- this latest being from a review site!
It was helpful that this Saturday (my free day) I cleaned up any catfish type of messages on TikTok by deleting followers/messages. I did enjoy the platform without obsessing, being aware of its potential.
It was also helpful to methodically analyize my week, and make the connection between the cue at the first restaurant, and how things unfolded the next day.
Have I made progress or regressed this week?
I would say short term that it was a regress toward similar behaviors had prior to the iPhone being the main battleground. And I typically feel that I'd rather see real women in public than pixelized. But again, lusting in public cues me toward unreal fantasy land.
Long term I feel progress as these multi-day obsessions, which used to eventually lead to P, PMO or MO, after about 3 days, come back down to non-obsession or normalcy.
What area needs extra focus this coming week?
I would say my t.v. viewing, especially alone, I need to be aware if I'm watching it for the wrong reasons...(do something else?). I could at that time watch with my wife, but I do enjoy winding down by myself. Also, public interactions. If a lovely woman pays me attention, I need to not 'lose myself' about it, stay centered, be a man in control of himself. I need to remember my emotional neediness, and where my thirst is quenched (spiritual). Not tolerating catfishing schemes any more. I also know when a movie is 'going there'- and I typically anticipate it, but this is against my goals. I need to just get back to my fight channels or crime t.v.
I need to focus on 'old cues' that maybe I didn't pay as much attention to during my days of poor phone and social media use? The emotionally based ones are the most dangerous for me.
How are you feeling now?
It's wierd, but after the 3rd day of how the week started, things seemed to come back down to my 'new normal'. I was very aware during my 'free-day' on TikTok, and despite enjoying it, didn't allow myself to get carried away with it. I was in-and-out. I'm not obsessing, and these things did not continue nor escalate.
Deeper issues or concerns?
I questioned myself whether seeing the scene with nudity in it constituted a reset for me since I anticipated it...? But I knew in myself that I hadn't crossed my red-lines. Was I in a high-risk place? Certainly. But at issue for me, instead of a black-or-white context of whether I failed or not, was I able to come back into control? While I do have red-lines that mean a reset, this was not it... As I tell myself, I know when I need to reset or not.
Of course this deeper issue of 'needing' the affirmation of a beautiful woman needs to be addressed. I need to be aware as to when this is happening, is cued, or may potentially happen. And I know the well of Living Water I'm to drink from instead.
Special Question # 2. What have you learned about yourself?
That, and it may seem obvious, social media and the phone are just modalities to act out, and that in their diminished place in my life now, if I'm cued in some way, I'll reach out to former modes of acting out, such as t.v., public venues, and whatever else. I'm also reminded that quitting certain behaviors is only the first thing, but being healed inwardly is still of paramount importance.
Be well, All.
Where am I now?
I am now 49 days without P, PMO or MO.
For the second week in a row, the week started off with struggles... [reader discretion is advised]
Monday morning in the wee hours, I had strange dreams trouble me, which remind me of the spiritual nature of my fight. Regardless of this, I still edged for a little while, stopped, went back to sleep.
Tuesday afternoon at a restaurant for lunch the table in front of me (behind my wife), there was a beautiful young lady who paid me attention, despite her being with her boyfriend (husband?). We kept looking at each other... When she got up to leave, she was drop-dead gorgeous to me, very busty... She continued to pay me discreet attention as she left... I wanted to stare, but was with my wife. And throughout the week I was thinking about her, and wanted to see her again...!
Wednesday (morning into the evening): I dealt with a flattering user from Yelp (yes, Yelp!) with whom I interacted for a while until she tried to get me to go over to some Google social app where she could continue to 'catfish' me. I knew where this was going, but enjoyed the initial attention, as her pics were lovely (probably not even her!). I did finally delete/block her.
Then we went to hear our friend's mother's cancer diagnosis. Afterward we went for lunch. I was very woman-conscious, and noticed several women (two customers and a waitress) who were very busty, and again, I wanted to just stare but was with my wife and our guests.
That evening I uploaded a TikTok video, and in the process the particular user came up in my feed- which means that my phone wasn't face down while loading, contrary to my stated guidelines. Again that evening I watched T.V. but could tell that I wanted to see p-subs. A movie was playing and I knew based on the movie (though I've never seen it) what might happen... sure enough, saw brief frontal nudity (tame, for 1 minute). I changed channels wanted to go back, was angry that my wife was in the kitchen. As I got ready for bed I had a kind of 'letting go' attitude, and violated my schedule and watched TikTok videos (p-subs). I fantasized about the particular user, wanted to edge, but I didn't- I just went to sleep.
What was helpful or hurtful?
It was hurtful that I forgot how an attractive woman paying me attention can cue me toward addictive behaviors. It also was hurtful to not take into account that, with the social media use under control, old pathways (public, T.V., movies) can become ways to act out. Included in this are 'new ways' to act out emerging, such as being catfished to either Whatsapp or other venues- this latest being from a review site!
It was helpful that this Saturday (my free day) I cleaned up any catfish type of messages on TikTok by deleting followers/messages. I did enjoy the platform without obsessing, being aware of its potential.
It was also helpful to methodically analyize my week, and make the connection between the cue at the first restaurant, and how things unfolded the next day.
Have I made progress or regressed this week?
I would say short term that it was a regress toward similar behaviors had prior to the iPhone being the main battleground. And I typically feel that I'd rather see real women in public than pixelized. But again, lusting in public cues me toward unreal fantasy land.
Long term I feel progress as these multi-day obsessions, which used to eventually lead to P, PMO or MO, after about 3 days, come back down to non-obsession or normalcy.
What area needs extra focus this coming week?
I would say my t.v. viewing, especially alone, I need to be aware if I'm watching it for the wrong reasons...(do something else?). I could at that time watch with my wife, but I do enjoy winding down by myself. Also, public interactions. If a lovely woman pays me attention, I need to not 'lose myself' about it, stay centered, be a man in control of himself. I need to remember my emotional neediness, and where my thirst is quenched (spiritual). Not tolerating catfishing schemes any more. I also know when a movie is 'going there'- and I typically anticipate it, but this is against my goals. I need to just get back to my fight channels or crime t.v.
I need to focus on 'old cues' that maybe I didn't pay as much attention to during my days of poor phone and social media use? The emotionally based ones are the most dangerous for me.
How are you feeling now?
It's wierd, but after the 3rd day of how the week started, things seemed to come back down to my 'new normal'. I was very aware during my 'free-day' on TikTok, and despite enjoying it, didn't allow myself to get carried away with it. I was in-and-out. I'm not obsessing, and these things did not continue nor escalate.
Deeper issues or concerns?
I questioned myself whether seeing the scene with nudity in it constituted a reset for me since I anticipated it...? But I knew in myself that I hadn't crossed my red-lines. Was I in a high-risk place? Certainly. But at issue for me, instead of a black-or-white context of whether I failed or not, was I able to come back into control? While I do have red-lines that mean a reset, this was not it... As I tell myself, I know when I need to reset or not.
Of course this deeper issue of 'needing' the affirmation of a beautiful woman needs to be addressed. I need to be aware as to when this is happening, is cued, or may potentially happen. And I know the well of Living Water I'm to drink from instead.
Special Question # 2. What have you learned about yourself?
That, and it may seem obvious, social media and the phone are just modalities to act out, and that in their diminished place in my life now, if I'm cued in some way, I'll reach out to former modes of acting out, such as t.v., public venues, and whatever else. I'm also reminded that quitting certain behaviors is only the first thing, but being healed inwardly is still of paramount importance.
Be well, All.
Last edited:
Blondie
Respected Member
Nice job staying strong Phineas. As you said, maybe you "regressed" a little, but you didn't look at porn or anything else which is all that matters in the end. At least that's my opinion about that matter.
As far as the beautiful lady in the restaurant goes, I get that completely. What is the difference between seeing a woman and appreciating her but later on thinking about her too much and letting yourself be knocked off course? I'm still getting stuck on this question myself and don't quite have the answer at the moment. This is my true battle and constant problem because of my incessant propensity to love or crush on the fairer sex. I always say porn is not an option, but quite frankly, porn is the second option, because it doesn't hold a candle to real beautiful woman! I know your religious and I'm not at all, so I think your angle is probably different than mine on these questions, but who knows, maybe not. But to me anyways, as long as I don't cheat, which I haven't, or look at porn, which is not an option, I don't have a problem with acknowledging her beauty, as long as I move on and don't get hung up on it. But of course, with you wife present, you should definitely have all eyes on her as they say.
Either way, nice job again and have a great porn-free week!
Blondie
Addendum: I don't always keep my eyes on my girl as well as I should either. But it's something I can work on, as we all should.
As far as the beautiful lady in the restaurant goes, I get that completely. What is the difference between seeing a woman and appreciating her but later on thinking about her too much and letting yourself be knocked off course? I'm still getting stuck on this question myself and don't quite have the answer at the moment. This is my true battle and constant problem because of my incessant propensity to love or crush on the fairer sex. I always say porn is not an option, but quite frankly, porn is the second option, because it doesn't hold a candle to real beautiful woman! I know your religious and I'm not at all, so I think your angle is probably different than mine on these questions, but who knows, maybe not. But to me anyways, as long as I don't cheat, which I haven't, or look at porn, which is not an option, I don't have a problem with acknowledging her beauty, as long as I move on and don't get hung up on it. But of course, with you wife present, you should definitely have all eyes on her as they say.
Either way, nice job again and have a great porn-free week!
Blondie
Addendum: I don't always keep my eyes on my girl as well as I should either. But it's something I can work on, as we all should.
Last edited:
Thank you, @Blondie ! Exactly..., before, my black-and-white thinking would've just sabotaged my efforts at further control thinking that I had blown it anyway... Our success isn't always linear, and certainly not always perfect.
Yes! Appreciating a woman's beauty is normal, healthy and human. But I think the line for me is when I internalize it- especially if she pays me attention in a particular way- and maybe make it more than it is...? It points toward an emotional deficiency within myself.
I share that propensity, as woman-kind is 'living art' or 'poetry in motion' as Thomas Dolby once sang... I don't think, my being religious notwithstanding, our angles are all that different. Appreciating a woman's beauty is honoring the art and the Artist who painted it. But if it becomes a selfish lechery, then it becomes something 'idolatrous'- or even an adultery of the heart.
Moving on as opposed to getting hung up on it I think is where that line is, so really, not so different at all...!
My wife being present, yes- I don't wish to be disrespectful, and I've gotten better at that. This is what was so frustrating above, because I do care to not offend my wife or dishonor her in that way. My wife herself is beautiful, sometimes I need to just sweep aside our issues to see that...? Working on that.
Yes! Appreciating a woman's beauty is normal, healthy and human. But I think the line for me is when I internalize it- especially if she pays me attention in a particular way- and maybe make it more than it is...? It points toward an emotional deficiency within myself.
I share that propensity, as woman-kind is 'living art' or 'poetry in motion' as Thomas Dolby once sang... I don't think, my being religious notwithstanding, our angles are all that different. Appreciating a woman's beauty is honoring the art and the Artist who painted it. But if it becomes a selfish lechery, then it becomes something 'idolatrous'- or even an adultery of the heart.
Moving on as opposed to getting hung up on it I think is where that line is, so really, not so different at all...!
My wife being present, yes- I don't wish to be disrespectful, and I've gotten better at that. This is what was so frustrating above, because I do care to not offend my wife or dishonor her in that way. My wife herself is beautiful, sometimes I need to just sweep aside our issues to see that...? Working on that.
Ezel
Respected Member
you got that right Phineas, keep on killing it man.Thank you, @Blondie ! Exactly..., before, my black-and-white thinking would've just sabotaged my efforts at further control thinking that I had blown it anyway... Our success isn't always linear, and certainly not always perfect.
Yes! Appreciating a woman's beauty is normal, healthy and human. But I think the line for me is when I internalize it- especially if she pays me attention in a particular way- and maybe make it more than it is...? It points toward an emotional deficiency within myself.
I share that propensity, as woman-kind is 'living art' or 'poetry in motion' as Thomas Dolby once sang... I don't think, my being religious notwithstanding, our angles are all that different. Appreciating a woman's beauty is honoring the art and the Artist who painted it. But if it becomes a selfish lechery, then it becomes something 'idolatrous'- or even an adultery of the heart.
Moving on as opposed to getting hung up on it I think is where that line is, so really, not so different at all...!
My wife being present, yes- I don't wish to be disrespectful, and I've gotten better at that. This is what was so frustrating above, because I do care to not offend my wife or dishonor her in that way. My wife herself is beautiful, sometimes I need to just sweep aside our issues to see that...? Working on that.
2 months porn free is just around the corner...
Thank you for the support, Ezel!
EarthWalker
Respected Member
Great to see the shift from The Screen / Online to The Real life /offline problems. I think so much better dealing with sexual stuff in relation to people we see and interact in real life like the waitress, coworker, acquaintance, etc rather than deal with stuff we see on the screen.
I'd say quite a shift when our problems are now offline as opposed to online. Be well.
I'd say quite a shift when our problems are now offline as opposed to online. Be well.
This distinction you made here, EW, between Screen / online problems versus Real life / offline problems is highly important, and I didn't quite make this connection myself! This is such a good observation, and it shows- not a continuation of the same problems under a different guise, as I had seen it, but actually shows progress from unreal-world to real-world problems. Indeed, it is a shift- and a welcomed one at that! Isn't it for what I've said I'm 'training' myself for? Real life?
Thank you!
Today I'm 50 days without P, PMO, or MO. This number is symbolic of "light" of "Pentecost" of "Jubilee and liberty".
Yes, I've been here before- but, except for last year between November 2020 and March of 2021 (when I was more focused), my wins were mostly technical, as they were interspersed with p-subs and edging, which is not the case now.
I also want to head off a strange pattern of sorts, where in the last 2 weeks I seemed to struggle at the beginning of the week, lasting about 3 days (on and off, not continuous) before coming back down to equanimity.
Indeed, we have to take a proactive and positive approach to our recovery!
Be well, All.
Yes, I've been here before- but, except for last year between November 2020 and March of 2021 (when I was more focused), my wins were mostly technical, as they were interspersed with p-subs and edging, which is not the case now.
I also want to head off a strange pattern of sorts, where in the last 2 weeks I seemed to struggle at the beginning of the week, lasting about 3 days (on and off, not continuous) before coming back down to equanimity.
Indeed, we have to take a proactive and positive approach to our recovery!
Be well, All.
particularly_respecting
Active Member
Amazing progress Phineas! Especially given that, like you say, this is not a "technical win" but a real clean win
Thank you, PR! I suppose even the technical is itself a win, given that at one time this would not have been possible. Wave red meat in front of a dog, and guess what he's going to do!
A technical win shows that at least change is possible, even if one is not themselves changed in heart...
But that's the difference between a technical win (90 days, but one is white-knuckling all the way through!), is that the behaviors may either come back with a vengeance or the form of them will change. Like, maybe one used to call those 1-900 numbers, they changed- but not in heart, and so now they cruise central for prostitutes...
So, to truly kill this thing, eventually, the change has to occur at the heart-level. We begin to hate this thing, not because we'll get caught, or it will inconvenience us, but because we hate it for what it is in itself- that it is intrinsically evil.
A technical win shows that at least change is possible, even if one is not themselves changed in heart...
But that's the difference between a technical win (90 days, but one is white-knuckling all the way through!), is that the behaviors may either come back with a vengeance or the form of them will change. Like, maybe one used to call those 1-900 numbers, they changed- but not in heart, and so now they cruise central for prostitutes...
So, to truly kill this thing, eventually, the change has to occur at the heart-level. We begin to hate this thing, not because we'll get caught, or it will inconvenience us, but because we hate it for what it is in itself- that it is intrinsically evil.
Thank you, brother! Glad to see you, would look forward to any updates in your experiences..?
Either way, grateful for the support, and always good to see you!
zaraki888
Active Member
You are welcome
I am also glad reading your message thank you!Thank you for asking about my experience. Unfortunate I got stuck in a loop going back and forth having difficulty going beyond 22 days. I think it isn't the struggle by urges anymore that keeps me down but the unhappiness and disappointment looking at my life.
My new way of dealing with this addiction is to focus on the things I love doing and doing it right now, instead of procrastinating and fighting the addiction putting restriction on myself. I make sure I do something that makes me happy and proud about myself. This is my new measurement about success.
At the moment I am also reading a book called the easy way to mindfulness by Allen Carr. I thought I knew the meaning of mindfulness. I was wrong.
Nice speaking to you Phineas!