Here is my weekly check-in, as to how I'm
really doing. Here I strive to be as honest with myself as possible, because if we can't tell ourselves the truth... But really, with this new format I could hardly wait till Sunday came back around, lol...!
Where am I now?
I am currently
14 days without P, PMO or MO. This is 2 weeks since my latest lapse. It will be a couple of days until I'm past my recent
15 day lengthier streak (ended 3/22).
On one night I obsessed on p-subs and edged. This was ended, and I went to sleep. No fault.
What was helpful or hurtful?
What was really helpful is that in addition to changing my nighttime phone use to reading instead, I executed a plan to deepen my answer toward social media:
1. iPhone only as I wake up in the morning, but as I get ready in the morning and get ready for bed at night, it's reading instead. And if I use the lou during the day, it's reading.
2. I only look at social media 1x a week on Saturdays, where I'll catch up on any comments/likes/follows. I'll allow for entertainment via this time also, being mindful of content. Keeping in mind my
IMPACT approach.
3. If I have a purpose or post, it's with an in-and-out approach. For example, if I post on TikTok, I face the phone down while it uploads so I don't get the feed.
4. For the times on getting up, except for Saturdays, I'll listen to positive or spiritual podcasts/videos.
This approach is immensely helping me right now.
What was hurtful was being drawn in by a particular user, and dealing with bots luring me to Whatsapp. One user was legitimate, perhaps, though the motives aren't exactly clear (identity theft or sextortion). But we had a spiritual conversation which may have disarmed her... all this for what? An emotional (or sexual) affirmation? But I've navigated and am working with this.
Have I made progress or regressed this week?
I made immense progress regarding my approach to phone/social media, leaving it behind and picking up a book. Also, I'm restricting my interactions on social media to once a week, this is huge for me. I feel more in control, less vulnerable, and very hopeful.
While I don't feel as I did last week, 2 steps forward and 1 step back, I did come into a night of obsession and acting out with p-subs and edging. This regards that particular user on TikTok. But I'm challenging myself to see her as a real human being, and to not be overly restrictive with that blowing up in my face.
It was strange that this new friend, along with my best-friend reaching out, occurring simultaneously with my desire to celebrate this week for its victories. But this has to be seen in perspective. The 'new friend'- is it really that? I deleted our (innocent) conversation, and won't initiate a new one. The old-friend, I've yet to decide on how to handle this, though I did reply in a heartfelt way (wise?).
What area needs extra focus this coming week?
Repetition and vigilance. To establish these new habit changes requires extra vigilance to not slip into old patterns, especially if they're emotionally driven. My need is to repeat last week in the new week, and follow the same schedule as above. The need to be strict with myself regarding this is the extra focus.
Also, to not allow the interaction with the friendship in question (my ex-coworker) to trip me up emotionally, in terms of compromising my marital and spiritual goals, while keeping the friendship (?)... Tis' a precarious situation potentially... (!).
How are you feeling now?
I am feeling very hopeful toward this new format on my RN journal, and also my new schedule toward phone/social media platforms.
I'm not obsessing. I don't feel vulnerable. I feel stronger, and yet cautious. I feel more vigilant. I'm excited to pass the 15-day mark, and go on toward lengthier streaks.
Deeper issues or concerns?
Loneliness is a major issue right now. Perhaps it will always be for me? I hear my wife throughout the day calling her family and friends, and I-? Who do I have to call? And then my 'best-friend' contacts me, and I have to decide how safe it is to call her, to talk to her... This is also reflected in meeting this new 'friend' on TikTok, how we 'seemed' to hit it off, but I'm very well aware as to the probable unreality of this, and plus she's very tailor-made as for her appearance.
My wife and I haven't made love this week, and we've been fighting on and off, and a latest fight brought home poignantly that she doesn't understand or 'get me'. And this can be lonely, very lonely. But, what is the level of care at this point? Is it therefore a loneliness for her? More of a loneliness in general.
(And now the climax, lol..., my bonus question, randomly selected from
30 possibilities!)
Special Question # 7. Who were you when no one was watching?
This question is kind of a two-edged sword. On one hand, I was a man of integrity. For the times that I was 'left alone' I was in prayer or otherwise focused on my goals. On the other hand, the issues related above were of necessity worked out in secret or privately, and could in no wise be shared with my wife, even my feelings toward her, unfortunately. Though this last part can be worked on.
So as to former behaviors, I did not take advantage of privacy to act out, other than issues regarding the p-subs and edging, and questions of conversing with the opposite sex via a messaging platform. But, I'm actively working on the latter as I am on the former.
Be well, All.
!