Checking in on this Mother's Day, hope you all have a good one.
Where am I now?
I am now 42 days without P, PMO or MO. This is of course 6 weeks now.
At the start of the week, stemming from being cued that previous Saturday, that Sunday night I had struggles with p-subs and edging.
That following Monday I had opportunity alone to act out, I was still obsessing on that TikTok user, and had thoughts/urges to visit that and then to P afterwards. I was certain I was going to lapse at this time, but I didn't. Instead, I prayed it through- and it seemed at the time to be the only thing that would've worked for me... That Monday night I did view p-subs and edged (10 minutes), stopped and went back to bed. I had powerful imagery playing in my head, but kind of 'went with it', but didn't MO or edge any more, just went to sleep.
What was helpful or hurtful?
I know this will sound counter-intuitive, but I went ahead and refollowed that particular user on TikTok to remove the obsessive nature of it, to de-mystify it.
I stuck to my new schedule overall, despite what Monday night looked like. This was a salvation for me, because I knew that given the space of time away from any stimuli that social media provides, I would come back to my new normal. What was a kind of 3 day obsession calmed back down to equanimity, and so- no fault.
In this sense, making peace with following this particular user meant taking away it's obsessive nature, took away its mystique. True, it would be racey for me to watch endlessly, but it is helpful rather to not 'fight' this, but to accept it, to let it be as it is, without engaging it like a big fight. When it comes up in my feed, it's an opportunity to see it as it is, without judgment, to let it pass, to breathe through it if that's necessary. If I'm of the mind later, I can delete this- or unfollow it. It's only as big a deal as I choose to make of it- this is worth working with.
Have I made progress or regressed this week?
While I could discuss regress, really it's a progression in my overall recovery. Why? True this was the most serious challenge to this streak so far, it was a learning lesson: acceptance, non-resistance, self-understanding, self-control, and dealing with this stimuli in the spirit of ERP or extinction therapy.
What area needs extra focus this coming week?
Continuing with my new habits surrounding phone use and social media as being 1x week, unless posting on purpose. Of course I'll consult Youtube and Twitter throughout the week for news, and I'll use Spotify and Youtube for my morning motivational videos, podcasts, or these for inspiring sermons.
How are you feeling now?
I'm feeling good. I had my reward-Saturday, without any episode, or without being cued. I even saw the user in question come up in my feed once or twice, but it wasn't drawing me in, or it didn't cue me, or have that effect. By that following Tuesday on, I was okay for that.
Deeper issues or concerns?
My special-friend divulged that either in February or March, she went in to my daughter's place of work, and asked her name- but my daughter goes by a different name in front of her friends- and didn't recognize her. She did ask if I was her dad, and she said, 'Yes'. But that's as far as it went (?), and so far no mention of it from either my daughter or my wife. Though she and I are just friends, the secretive nature of the friendship could cause irreparable damage to my marriage, and possibly end it. It would hurt or devastate my wife...
This leads me back to the inevitable end of my friendship with this person, and so I'm going back into silence. I was contemplating asking more questions, getting more info, but why? Though this person has been trusted to be discreet, that can no longer be trusted. But really, it's not for that reason only, but the whole nature of the friendship is unfortunately a thing to be sacrificed for the 'greater good' of my marriage and household. Thus there will be unavoidable sadness and pain on my part, but if I alone bear it, I'd rather that than my wife be hurt.
My wife and I did make love the other night, and all went well for all involved.
Special Question # 17. How does my acting-out hurt myself?
When I act out, though potentially pleasurable as hell, I slowly poison myself with isolation. Each time is a negation of myself as someone worthy of love in the context of relationship, that it's something I must get by myself in isolation. It's an affirmation of loneliness, a coddling of a child who was deemed unworthy of love, of affection, of nurturing. It reaffirms this ancient lie fed to me since childhood. Each moment, each incident or episode breaks down my ability to connect with others, particularly with my wife and family.
There's the neurochemicals that fry the dopamine receptors, making life less and less enjoyable on its own terms. I have to engage in ever escalating genres and novelty to maintain that high. There's the danger of PIED, which so far hasn't been an issue. But to be sure, the lack of confidence and/or guilt associated with my acting out has caused performance anxiety here and there with the wife. And there's the irony of leaning on p-memory to keep Ol' Willy engaged, though this is not really necessary.
And not lastly, acting-out hurts me spiritually. This is not who or what I am. I'm a child of God, holy, sanctified, a new creation. This is antithetical to my morals, my calling and purpose as a minister, and is not reflective of the young man (1990-91) who once hated sin for its being an affront to God and damaging to the soul.
Be well, All.