Day 236
I vividly remember the time I had my first wet dream. It was Christmas 1995, and I was sleeping in anther room in my house because my grandparents were visiting and sleeping in mine. I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night and felt something wet and moist by my penis, I remember the sensation even hurting a little. I ran to the bathroom scared out of my mind and had no idea what had just happened. A thousand questions flooded my little innocent mind that night...
What was this liquid that just shot out of me?
Did I have a problem?
Why did it hurt a little?
Did this have to do with the (sexual?) dream I had right before it?
Does anyone else have this problem? Do my brothers?
Does this have to do with sex?
Should I even say that word?
Do I even know what sex is?
Should I tell mom and dad?
Is this sinful?
Unfortunately for my little self, none of these answers were solved until I looked at porn years later...
Dad, why didn't you explain this to me? Dad, why didn't you prepare me to know beforehand what a wet dream was? Why did I not even know what sex was? The only thing I knew about it was I probably shouldn't talk about it! You and mom and your religion made me feel shame dad, shame about myself and my sexuality! In fact the only time we ever talked about "it" was to inform us that we should never do "it" until marriage, and everything else was off the table for discussion.
Why Dad, why?
My first "sexual" experience was full of shame and doubt for many years, why couldn't you have just told me the facts? I literally thought something was medically wrong with me for years! Do you know how fucked up that is Dad? Do you know I had to look at porn (the least Christian of outlets) to figure out that other guys had "my problem" too?
The day I figured this out was both a great and relieving day and a shameful day. On one hand I figured out I didn't have a medical problem, yet on the other, I had enormous shame because I looked at porn! Do you realize how fucking stupid all of this is dad?
Do you realize the fact that Porn, the very thing Jesus hates, was my sex education?
I love you father, but my upbringing had some pretty fucked up things about it.
If you are religious, this post is not bashing your religion at all, it's just bashing parts of my upbringing.
Keep killing it everyone, and keep digging deep into your soul to find why you do the things you do.
Have a great porn-free weekend!
Blondie