I'm sick of writing day 1 here. It feels like a complete failure. Maybe counting days is not really beneficial for me, I don't know.
I PMOed 3 times yesterday. This is also something I'm sick of reporting here. I had a 3 PMO day after the day with therapy.
The therapy session was brutal. I had insane amount of social anxiety and it got better, to the point where I could actually talk for good, only at the end of the session, like 5 minutes before we stopped. As it turns out, I need a long fuckin time to calm down when I have an uncontrollable attack of social anxiety and coincidentally (or not) it always happens after binging porn. I actually mentioned this to the therapist. I said that I suspect my porn addiction to have something to do with my high social anxiety.
The therapy session was the most nerve-wrecking thing I had to do in a long time. Having to talk about myself like that was very painful and felt very "embarrassing" because I am embarrassed with myself. It was very difficult. But at least the therapist (a woman) acknowledges porn addiction so I don't have to bother with this. She told me she suspects more the bullying from my childhood as reason for my social anxiety but I can't say, as long as I don't eliminate the porn from the ecuation to see if I'm still socially anxious. Anyway, I said that if I was supposed to have social anxiety anyway, I believe too much fuckin porn has made it worse.
BUt anyway, she seems the type that wants to get down to business so it seems promising. Obviously, it's too early to tell but maybe it works. I definitely don't need someone to only listen to my problems, I also need someone who can help me fix myself with actual action. What she actually said about me was, obviously not in those words, but pretty much that I'm a complicated case because my life is shit. Empty, depressing, unfullfilling in any shape or form, I'm dealing with trauma from the past and that I have a lot of work to do. Obviously, if people think that anybody is going to "fix you", they need to know that the actually hard work needs to be done by you, this is not hocus pocus. There is a lot of work to do, pain to suffer, discomfort etc. to be the person you want to be.
So that's about it. I'm going again next week. Let's see what comes next. But I also feel I haven't said everything about myself, I could really concentrate to begin with because I was in the middle of a very bad episode of social anxiety but, even though my life is completely shit, one hour wasn't even enough to say everything about myself
Not that I have much great stuff to actually say about myself. Only to describe how shit I am.
Anyway, I wouldn't have even gone to therapy if it wasn't for my father who fucked with me for a week before this.