Escape and never come back

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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 0

It's going like shit. Two days of PMO binging in a row again. Yesterday I had an alcohol relapse after 45 days and if I'm not careful, it could be right back to my drinking routine.

I could come up with "Already half of the year is gone and I'm not done with this shit" but here is the thing: If I've learned one thing from this is that thinking about quitting porn is thinking about porn. Or alcohol. Obsessing like "I can't buy alcohol today. I need to stay away from drinking today." Or "I can't watch porn today, I need to be careful" is thinking about porn and alcohol all fuckin day. I think you need to find a way to keep your mind away from the quitting but not neglect it completely and "accidently bump into it" because you are not careful enough.

Needless to say, I feel like absolute shit.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Would you consider joining some kind of IRL, or online, recovery support group and attempting daily accountability? Just to get you on the right trajectory?

Getting unstuck is tough, but it can be done with a bit of extra support.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Androg said:
Would you consider joining some kind of IRL, or online, recovery support group and attempting daily accountability? Just to get you on the right trajectory?

Getting unstuck is tough, but it can be done with a bit of extra support.
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Where I live, I could only find one online 12 steps group so far. I've joined a few times.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Is this the one you tried? A therapist friend thinks it's excellent. http://spaa-recovery.org/

Here's the reality. I'm sure you know that the prevailing wisdom is that no one but an addict can make up their mind to recover. The rest of us must ideally simply stand by and watch you suffer until you're more determined. :oops:

In other words, it is not actually helpful for well intentioned idiots like myself to pat you on the bottom and attempt to soothe your distress while you're still in self-destruct mode. So, I'll step back for now.

Perhaps you should take a break from this forum until you know you're "ripe."

Wishing you the very best. I'm extremely sorry to hear of your continued distress.
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Androg said:
Is this the one you tried? A therapist friend thinks it's excellent. http://spaa-recovery.org/

Here's the reality. I'm sure you know that the prevailing wisdom is that no one but an addict can make up their mind to recover. The rest of us must ideally simply stand by and watch you suffer until you're more determined. :oops:

In other words, it is not actually helpful for well intentioned idiots like myself to pat you on the bottom and attempt to soothe your distress while you're still in self-destruct mode. So, I'll step back for now.

Perhaps you should take a break from this forum until you know you're "ripe."

Wishing you the very best. I'm extremely sorry to hear of your continued distress.
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Wow. Good job, very encouraging. You basically kicked him off of the forum.

That's bullshit if you ask me. And yes, I know you didn't ask me.

I was under the impression this was a community of support.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Read up on addiction and enabling. If you want to continue enabling him, that would be fine. I was letting him know my choice. When he's ready, I'll be there.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
I know the reality. I know I am a terrible example,
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I don't think you should care about being a "good example". No one here is a saint, we're all just getting over this shit together, reporting about it, and nothing more. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks, however, I can assure you, we're on your side.

Escapeandnevercomeback said:
I am not an inspiration. People seeing my page and relapse after relapse can't be inspired, not until I start showing some effort.
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Who gives a fuck about being an "inspiration"? You should be here for you and only you. And you know what, you ARE inspiring. Although I agree with you that if you really wanted to stop, you would do more things, things that many of us have mentioned to your previously. However, out of all the people who have disappeared into the void after even one relapse over the years, you on the other hand, just keep on ticking and never give up. I truly think that's fucking bad ass, and it shows that your spirit has not been beaten by this terrible habit we've all suffered from.

Do whatever it takes to beat this shit @Escapeandnevercomeback. It will be worth it.

Best
 
Skittelz

Skittelz

Active Member
Androg said:
Read up on addiction and enabling. If you want to continue enabling him, that would be fine. I was letting him know my choice. When he's ready, I'll be there.
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I am no stranger to addiction, nor am I enabling him.
You are correct, you were letting him know your choice -- which is fine. I have no qualms with that.

When you tell him to "take a break from this forum" you are effectively asking him to leave. And you are a moderator/administrator which gives the facade of you having the "authority" to do so. That's the bullshit part. This forum is for many people the only place they can vent their emotions safely and anonymously. If you don't like what he has to say, then don't read it.

You should read up on being a fucking dickhead.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Skittelz said:
I am no stranger to addiction, nor am I enabling him.
You are correct, you were letting him know your choice -- which is fine. I have no qualms with that.

When you tell him to "take a break from this forum" you are effectively asking him to leave. And you are a moderator/administrator which gives the facade of you having the "authority" to do so. That's the bullshit part. This forum is for many people the only place they can vent their emotions safely and anonymously. If you don't like what he has to say, then don't read it.

You should read up on being a fucking dickhead.
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Hey man, don't worry about it. In the past something like that would've annoyed me but since the biggest argument ever with my parents that I've had while being drunk, I understood one thing: It's all in my hands, I can't ask people to "save me". People can offer me advice but obviously, and this goes for everyone, I or we are the only ones who choose whether to do what someone tells us to do or not.

I agree that telling people stuff like "take a break from the forum" isn't the best advice. Obviously, I was not going to do that just because someone tells me to. The idea of having those "journals", and this is what I believed, is to write in them like a diary (almost, maybe you don't write exactly all the secrets) but the only difference is that people can write in them too. Now, is this actually something good or not? So far on Reboot Nation I had very little problems with people writing stuff in my journal. 90% of the time it's been positive and encouraging and I am very grateful for that.

The thing is, uninfluenced by anybody, I was fighting with the idea whether to take a break from the forum or not because I don't really have anything different to write here, it's the same bullshit. I haven't had anything serious to show in maybe a year. Yeah, I understand the idea of "it's your journal, you can post whatever you want in it" (or I hope this is how we're doing this journaling thing on this forum) but still I don't like writing the same shit over and over again (Day 0, I binged for 3 days, I feel like shit etc etc.). It's not inspiring for me, that's for sure, it's actually depressing to read my own stuff here.

Anyway, thanks for the support, I don't really know what I just wrote, I have so much brain fog and agitation lately that I can't even think. It's just some ranting I guess.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Blondie said:
I don't think you should care about being a "good example". No one here is a saint, we're all just getting over this shit together, reporting about it, and nothing more. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks, however, I can assure you, we're on your side.


Who gives a fuck about being an "inspiration"? You should be here for you and only you. And you know what, you ARE inspiring. Although I agree with you that if you really wanted to stop, you would do more things, things that many of us have mentioned to your previously. However, out of all the people who have disappeared into the void after even one relapse over the years, you on the other hand, just keep on ticking and never give up. I truly think that's fucking bad ass, and it shows that your spirit has not been beaten by this terrible habit we've all suffered from.

Do whatever it takes to beat this shit @Escapeandnevercomeback. It will be worth it.

Best
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I get what you're saying. It's just that it's been depressing to read my own relapses over and over again on this forum. I am not doing this recovery well at all. Anyway, thanks for the support and encouragement. Now, YOU are an inspiration.
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
@Escapeandnevercomeback Bottom line, this is 'Your' journal, and you use it however you want to aid in your recovery.

None of our journeys have been a straight line, or a 'black-or-white' proposition of pass or fail. And, who's to say what actual 'recovery' looks like? Of course the question, 'Have we quit the substance/behavior that we're addicted to?' can be asked, and isn't that why any of us are here? As long as you're not 'breaking the rules' (and I've never seen that before), you do you.

There's one user on here [unnamed] who all he does for years was post about his very negative psychological state post-porn. His dopamine receptors seemed non-existent. It's depressing just to read his posts, but you know what? At the end of the day he was rightfully using his journal to help himself, whether or not it inspired anyone else (even himself) was irrelevant.

The fact that you continue to come on here, despite feeling like crawling under a rock, instead you come here and continue to post and update your struggles, is itself an inspiration. How many have anonymously dropped out after one fail? But you get up, time and again, even if you do wallow a little too long sometimes, but you freaken' get up! That's amazing and inspiring!

Who knows, too? It may be the right user at the right time that you read for only a moment and suddenly you're inspired to 'make that change' (however difficult and fraught with failure it might be). I know you like to read success stories, that tells me you want inspiration, you want to quit. Look, fundamentally, porn is not normal- and despite its immense pleasure (though even this is questionable), deep down inside no one 'wants' to do it. Do we want intimacy? Yes. Do we want beauty? Yes. Do we want pleasure? Yes. And that's all normal. It's 'how and where' we get these things that's the issue.

Escape, all these things one day will suddenly come together for you, no matter how long, and just 'click' and the clear path will open up before you.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Phineas 808 said:
@Escapeandnevercomeback Bottom line, this is 'Your' journal, and you use it however you want to aid in your recovery.

None of our journeys have been a straight line, or a 'black-or-white' proposition of pass or fail. And, who's to say what actual 'recovery' looks like? Of course the question, 'Have we quit the substance/behavior that we're addicted to?' can be asked, and isn't that why any of us are here? As long as you're not 'breaking the rules' (and I've never seen that before), you do you.

There's one user on here [unnamed] who all he does for years was post about his very negative psychological state post-porn. His dopamine receptors seemed non-existent. It's depressing just to read his posts, but you know what? At the end of the day he was rightfully using his journal to help himself, whether or not it inspired anyone else (even himself) was irrelevant.

The fact that you continue to come on here, despite feeling like crawling under a rock, instead you come here and continue to post and update your struggles, is itself an inspiration. How many have anonymously dropped out after one fail? But you get up, time and again, even if you do wallow a little too long sometimes, but you freaken' get up! That's amazing and inspiring!

Who knows, too? It may be the right user at the right time that you read for only a moment and suddenly you're inspired to 'make that change' (however difficult and fraught with failure it might be). I know you like to read success stories, that tells me you want inspiration, you want to quit. Look, fundamentally, porn is not normal- and despite its immense pleasure (though even this is questionable), deep down inside no one 'wants' to do it. Do we want intimacy? Yes. Do we want beauty? Yes. Do we want pleasure? Yes. And that's all normal. It's 'how and where' we get these things that's the issue.

Escape, all these things one day will suddenly come together for you, no matter how long, and just 'click' and the clear path will open up before you.
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Thanks, man. You're advice is always inspiring. I get something out of it almost any time. Keep up the good work!
 
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