Porn is not an option

[Ezel]

Day 19
Day 11 of no O




Sometimes out of nowhere it will hit me that I've had my big relapse and I'm not even to 20 days yet. It's a sad thought indeed if not utterly humbling and sometimes it just hits me out of leftfield. It's like I'm living in a dream but then I suddenly wake up and realize it's actually true, I did relapse. I'm not overly reflecting on. I'm not even overly depressed about it, but it IS the facts and sometimes it sucks when it hits me and I have to fight it during the day to stay positive. However, there's only one way out of this shithole and that is to keep moving forward and looking ahead and not to the past.

No temptations currently, but I'm going to stick to my motto, actions speak louder than words.

You all have a great porn-free Monday, I know I will.

A few more days and I'll beat my longest streak since I afflicted this nightmare upon myself again.

View attachment 1175

To Give up is Not in The Blood champ It's not in the Blood.
we can do it man. let's gooo...

 

[Blondie]

To Give up is Not in The Blood champ It's not in the Blood.
we can do it man. let's gooo...

Thank you brother.

I'm all good here, just keeping it real that's all.

We got this. Tomorrow is alreadly day 20!

 

[Blondie]

Day 20
Day 12 of no O

My goal now is to get to Saturday, day 24. My longest streak since the great relapse was 23 days, so this is important to me. I have zero urges at the moment, if anything, just utter hatred in my heart. I'm trying to make sure this hatred isn't reflected at myself, however, if I'm being honest, I'm feeling pretty down about this shit this morning. I might need to find some encouraging material when I have the time. If I remember correctly, Noah Church went 2 years porn free and then had his last relapse as well, so maybe I'll watch a video of his for a healthy reminder that I'm not alone after a relapse of almost two years free. Either way, there's no way to heaven going through the path I just came from, that much is sure. I think I'm in a flatline too. We've tried to have sex three times now over the last week, and to be frank, it's not working. The first time I told myself maybe I just wasn't in the mood (which I've learned is okay over the last two years) however, the second and third time, the same thing happened, and last night, he didn't even try to get up, I mean zilch going on down there. This is unprecedented over the last two years, and it's blowing my mind. Of course, before the relapse, I've told myself I don't really care about this stuff anymore, and that I wasn't going to obsess about it, and that overthinking about it does no one any good. However, the facts are the facts, and although it might be true that I'm maybe just not in mood because I'm focusing on school or whatever, it's never been like this before, except for when I began this journey two years ago. So it's time to get real with myself. No more bullshiting and patting myself on the back. No more counting 2000 days of freedom and nonsense like that. That's all just trying to protect my ego so I don't have to face the reality of what I did to myself two months ago.

- I'm at zero days plus 20
- It's great that I only PMOed once but I still fucked up
- My mind is porn fucked and back to square one
- My beautiful lady is not as pretty to my eyes as she was just two months ago
- I'm not excited when I see her naked
- My dick seems to not be working
- I assume when my libido returns my thoughts will be pornified as well

This is my reality. Congratulating myself on 2000s days of "freedom" is about as dumb and as self-defeating as it gets. We're either clean or we're not folks, there's no buts about it. Let's be honest, if I HAD past the two year mark clean with no slip ups, would I really be saying now "Yes, I'm two years clean PLUS 2000 something days of freedom too!" Of course not, because that number means absolutely nothing. If you're failing in college but telling yourself you use to be an A student in high school, thus, it's okay and it's all a part of the "journey", than you're lying to yourself and your situation. If you can't admit the truth of your situation at hand, you will never set yourself up for true freedom in the future. And that's what I want folks, true freedom, anything else is but an illusion.

Day 20

Porn is not an option

 

[jonazo91]

I think you’re being a touch too hard on yourself. One PMO in 2000 days is not the same as 1999 PMOs or even two PMOs. It is something to be proud of. I get what you’re saying about being straight with yourself, for sure. There’s no need to bullshit yourself and you know better than anyone the cost it’s had on you. But my guess is that the problems in bed might be tied to your bad feelings over throwing away such a long streak and the overwhelming feeling of failure and shame, rather than that you’re completely back to square one sexually. For me, the shame and feeling like a bad person and a failure are a lot worse than the sexual desensitization, and anyway they’re tied together.

I think you’re right to be straight with yourself and not make excuses, but I don’t think you’re back at square one. You accomplished something most of us on here are still only dreaming of, and you’ll be back there 1,980 days from now if you just keep up with all the strategies and habits you used the first time. That all didn’t just go away in the course of one night.

 

[Androg]

I know it's frightening to experience blips in desire, but don't assign too much importance to them. Prolly just your brain trying to persuade you to get back on the "hot sauce." They'll pass and all will be well. And maybe next time you're tempted you'll remember that you don't want to kick off another random bout of PIED down the road.

Do your self-care and grit your teeth. It'll be fine.

 

[Blondie]

I think you’re being a touch too hard on yourself. One PMO in 2000 days is not the same as 1999 PMOs or even two PMOs. It is something to be proud of.

Thanks @jonazo91, I appreciate it. But to clarify, it's not just one PMO out of 2000 something days, it's more like 30 PMOs out of 2000s days. I only mentioned the 2000 days because after I relapsed 7 weeks ago I started using that number to feel good about myself, to assuage my ego, because I couldn't handle the facts of my relapse. Five and half years ago I started this journey of no porn, so yes, on one hand, life is considerably better than it use to be, and I can feel "proud" about that fact, but on the other hand, I'm not entirely free from porn yet, which was my actual goal, and that's what I really want, total freedom from porn. Thus, using the 2000s days of freedom is very silly and counterproductive because it doesn't give me the reality of my situation. You can't win the war if your intel is wrong or purposefully neglected so as to feel better about yourself. I will get there, but it hasn't happened yet, and pretending like it has will never get me to that glorious finish line.

think you’re right to be straight with yourself and not make excuses, but I don’t think you’re back at square one.

You're right, I'm not back at square one, in regards to what I NOW know about this shit habit of mine and all the good and the bad about myself, and all I need to do next time to stay on the straight and narrow. However, I AM back to square one when it comes to looking at porn and not PMOing, because that event was only 20 days ago, and that is the most important number to me. Regardless of what damage I might have done or not to my mostly healed brain it's hard to say for sure, but it certainly has affected me by my "performance" issues (I hate that word) over this last week, which definitely shows I'm back to where I started two years ago. Drama has now been reintroduced into our sex life, all because of this bullshit. Now, I need to make sure my Lady "feels good and sexy" and tell her "It's because of this nonsense and it has NOTHING to do with you". None of this was an issue until just this week because of the devil that is porn. Is it because of "shame" or is it really "PIED"? I don't know nor do I really care, because all I know is it wasn't an issue until I reintroduced this nonsense back in to my life. Thus, I'm back to square one. Thus, it feels like I lost two years, because I did lose two years, and this makes me righteously pissed.

If we're not pissed at this shit and its insane consequences in our lives, then we're dead men walking and nothing more. I've tasted freedom, and now I feel a yoke has been placed on my neck again.

Best man.

I know it's frightening to experience blips in desire, but don't assign too much importance to them. Prolly just your brain trying to persuade you to get back on the "hot sauce." They'll pass and all will be well. And maybe next time you're tempted you'll remember that you don't want to kick off another random bout of PIED down the road.

Do your self-care and grit your teeth. It'll be fine.

Thanks @Androg, I appreciate it but I disagree. Trust me, even if it does "work" tonight (and I'm damn well going to try), it HAS affected my sex life in ways that it hasn't in two years, thus, I'm back to what I mentioned above. This isn't a desire issue, it's just a reality. Furthermore, I stopped caring about that stuff even before my last relapse because I realized being obsessed with "libido" or whatever is not really conducive in the end. This is my fault, and I brought it back into my relationship (and our bed), and being angry about it will help me to escape it again.

Thanks for your input.

Best

You can't escape from prison if you don't realize you're in one.

 

[jonazo91]

That makes sense. Your mind seems to be in the right place with the righteous anger. I go through constant loops of shame and moping that lead me just to crave more P. So I just wanted to make sure you weren’t viewing yourself with too much hatred. But you’re right to feel how you feel.

 

[Androg]

Of course it has to be your call, but honestly I'm not sure "anger" is your best bet. I think a sense of humor about our sneaky mammalian brains might serve you better. "Tricked again," but not defeated!

 

[Blondie]

I go through constant loops of shame and moping that lead me just to crave more P.

Yes, shame is a bitch. If there's anything I've learned over this last relapse (something I can be positive about ), is that the feeling of shame will kill you in the end. And yes as you say, it just leads to more porn or self-loathing, which is just a bad if you ask me. Check out this chart, I find it to be extremely helpful. Shame is on the very bottom of feelings or consciousness. Anger is considerably higher. Ironically enough, in this culture, men often are "afraid" of showing their anger, thus, they bottle it up inside where it expresses itself in all kinds of screwed up ways, porn being one of them.

Best brother. Keep aiming high.

And thanks.

 

[forceisstrong2]

Hey Blondie,

I understand your anger, but this does seem like a minor blip and you are back on the road to recovery. Anger is good, use it as motivation to change and grow even more as a person. I dont think any of us will ever be free entirely of porn. Like an alcoholic, we must always be vigilant.

Learn from this brother. Recognise the mistakes that you've made and ensure they wont happen again. I bet the issues with the missus will clear up once you are back in the present and not dwelling in the past.

We all got your back

 

[Galatians51]

hey man, despite all the positive things being said to you and encouraging you not to be too hard on yourself, i totally agree with you on this. That's how I feel about the subject as well, and like you - i would tell myself things to make my mess ups feel like they weren't as big of a deal. But it's not until i get really ticked off about how messed up this habit is, and how much it ruins my life, that i then get firm enough to make a stand to quit. So i agree with you - being straight up and saying where you're at, and then using that feeling of frustration to propel you forward in a positive direction is the way to go. Growing up playing sports there were always coaches and parents that would tell us it was ok when we lost a game, that it was more important that we had fun... well to me losing wasn't having fun, so I always that those speeches were a bunch of crap - even at like 7 years old. I'd rather have a coach tell me where we messed up and how we can improve than to just smile and tell me lots of nice things about failing.

sorry, not trying to take away from what anybody else posted, just my 2 cents

The fact that today you're at 3 weeks porn free, that's a big deal - so keep pushing forward man - you got this. Winners don't quit after a failure, but they do admit they failed, then they choose to change for the better.

 

[Blondie]

Day 21
Day 13 of no O

Of course it has to be your call, but honestly I'm not sure "anger" is your best bet. I think a sense of humor about our sneaky mammalian brains might serve you better. "Tricked again," but not defeated!

Thanks @Androg. I think both are important in their time and place.

I understand your anger, but this does seem like a minor blip and you are back on the road to recovery. Anger is good, use it as motivation to change and grow even more as a person. I don't think any of us will ever be free entirely of porn. Like an alcoholic, we must always be vigilant.

Thanks @forceisstrong2. Yes I think anger is good and can be used as a means to accomplish goals etc., it's certainly better than shame!

Learn from this brother. Recognize the mistakes that you've made and ensure they wont happen again. I bet the issues with the missus will clear up once you are back in the present and not dwelling in the past.

I'm sure this will get cleared up real soon, it always has in the past. And looking on the positive side, I only PMOed once out of 5 days during this whole relapse period, and two of those times I didn't even touch myself, so I am improving no matter the mistakes I've made. The whole PMO thing is just not "fun" anymore. Plus today I woke up with a royal hard on but didn't have time to use it.

I have three more days till beating my last streak. I will make it to the other side no doubt.

Thanks everyone!

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Agree with many of the posters above, this is a minor blip man. I know it's easier to say this from the outside than when you are the one experiencing it, but that's the point of the outside perspective since sometimes we get too wrapped up in our own heads. Everyone has temptations (food, alcohol, porn, video games, etc) and the level of stimulation is only growing over time. I shudder to think of what Gen AI will do here on the virtual side of things, I remember using certain material to a famous actress some years back and I thought 100% that it was a real tape when in fact it was just a deepfake! Doesn't matter now but if the deepfakes were that good back then with the new LLMs like ChatGPT I think it's going to be really, really hard for Gen Z / Gen Alpha moving forward. Compared to what's coming, we're pretty blessed

That was a bit of a tangent but I think you get the point, don't be too hard on yourself because that often leads to relapse as shame begets more shame. You've told me this when I relapsed last year and I'll mention it here again. At the end of the day, the reason most of us start here is to get rid of PIED / DE and you don't experience those things and have a partner. So by all measures, you're doing pretty darn well. Keep crushing it man, we're all rooting for you!

 

[Blondie]

hey man, despite all the positive things being said to you and encouraging you not to be too hard on yourself, i totally agree with you on this. That's how I feel about the subject as well, and like you - i would tell myself things to make my mess ups feel like they weren't as big of a deal. But it's not until i get really ticked off about how messed up this habit is, and how much it ruins my life, that i then get firm enough to make a stand to quit. So i agree with you - being straight up and saying where you're at, and then using that feeling of frustration to propel you forward in a positive direction is the way to go. Growing up playing sports there were always coaches and parents that would tell us it was ok when we lost a game, that it was more important that we had fun... well to me losing wasn't having fun, so I always that those speeches were a bunch of crap - even at like 7 years old. I'd rather have a coach tell me where we messed up and how we can improve than to just smile and tell me lots of nice things about failing.

sorry, not trying to take away from what anybody else posted, just my 2 cents

The fact that today you're at 3 weeks porn free, that's a big deal - so keep pushing forward man - you got this. Winners don't quit after a failure, but they do admit they failed, then they choose to change for the better.

Thanks @Galatians51, this means a lot. Yes, I'm with you on this mentality. Everyone here is so nice and encouraging and it's been extremely touching these last two months (which is what I needed), but for me, as far as motivation goes on an individual level, nothing is more motivating than Real Talk at the end of the day. No bullshit. No coddling. No we're all winners speeches. I just want the God's honest truth. Sometimes in this community, and I include myself in this critique, I don't think we take this battle seriously enough. Is this not life and death we're dealing with here? Are we not the product of our deeds spread throughout our small and infinitesimal lives on this rock? Every day wasted is a day never to be repeated again. Every day wasted on this or other bad habits is a day that defines you in the end. Do we not realize the seriousness of these facts? And if not why not? Sometime I don't think we need a pat on the back or another hug but a good old kick in the pants. Yes we all make mistakes. Yes we're all human. But these can turn into excuses real fast if we're not careful.

Best brother

A brave man dies once, and cowards? A thousand times over - Julius Caesar

Agree with many of the posters above, this is a minor blip man. I know it's easier to say this from the outside than when you are the one experiencing it, but that's the point of the outside perspective since sometimes we get too wrapped up in our own heads. Everyone has temptations (food, alcohol, porn, video games, etc) and the level of stimulation is only growing over time. I shudder to think of what Gen AI will do here on the virtual side of things, I remember using certain material to a famous actress some years back and I thought 100% that it was a real tape when in fact it was just a deepfake! Doesn't matter now but if the deepfakes were that good back then with the new LLMs like ChatGPT I think it's going to be really, really hard for Gen Z / Gen Alpha moving forward. Compared to what's coming, we're pretty blessed

That was a bit of a tangent but I think you get the point, don't be too hard on yourself because that often leads to relapse as shame begets more shame. You've told me this when I relapsed last year and I'll mention it here again. At the end of the day, the reason most of us start here is to get rid of PIED / DE and you don't experience those things and have a partner. So by all measures, you're doing pretty darn well. Keep crushing it man, we're all rooting for you!

Thank you @First_step_thousand_miles, I appreciate this. Yes, I shudder at what this will be in the near future. What we have is bad enough, but what's in store in the future is even worse. All the more important for us to get our shit together as men.

I'll try not to be too hard on myself, but sometimes it's what I need in the moment. It's my way of getting to the bottom of this and moving forward. Complacency is what kills me in the end and if I don't kick my own ass once in a while I will get stuck in that god awful pattern. Self loathing isn't good for anyone, but being real with one's self is sweet wine to the soul.

Best brother.

Love you

Ultimately, we’re all dead men. Sadly, we cannot choose how, but we can decide how we meet that end, in order that we are remembered as men

 

[Ezel]

hey blondie man, I understand your frustration and anger, not being able to perform with your lady like you used to, and not seeing her beauty and getting aroused by it, can make you upset and furious. using those feelings to your advantage to set you free is a new path you are getting into, if you feel that this path is the right approach to adopt then go ahead. whatever it takes to get your freedom back is worth trying.

 

[Blondie]

hey blondie man, I understand your frustration and anger, not being able to perform with your lady like you used to, and not seeing her beauty and getting aroused by it, can make you upset and furious. using those feelings to your advantage to set you free is a new path you are getting into, if you feel that this path is the right approach to adopt then go ahead. whatever it takes to get your freedom back is worth trying.

Thanks brother, I appreciate this.

Freedom is what you and I want, and freedom is what we'll get.

Love you man.

 

[Blondie]

Day 22
Day 14 of no O

 

[Galatians51]

way to go man!

 

[GBS]

Mate, sorry not weighed in on yours much recently. I read your essay above about how failure is failure whichever way you look at it. We, your many followers, take a lead from you often on how things should be seen. I agree that you shouldn’t be given any form of free pass for what went wrong or if you did, so could we all. And that’s just not ok.

Having said that, please understand that there are relapses and relapses. You and I have always said that if we get to the end of our lives having watched porn, say, once every couple of years, then we can say we kicked the habit. It will have made it a painful life but it will still have been successful in its goal.

Got your back whatever.

 

[Ezel]

Day 22
Day 14 of no O

My man is back at it again .