Porn is not an option
- Thread starter Blondie
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First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
My man! Halfway there to triple digits, keep up the great work
Blondie
Respected Member
Day 53
We've been watching this dumb show before going to bed the last while. It's vacuous entertainment, but a fun way to shut down the mind before going to bed. Any way, one of the dumber characters said something last night that was gold and is right in line with my personal ideas on relationships and recovery. This character had accidently kissed a stranger while being drunk at her bachelorette party, and when she confessed this to her friend and how bad she felt, and that she thought she would ruin her future happiness when she told her soon to be husband what happened, her friend suggested that she never tell him, and that what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. "That's life, we all makes mistakes" But then the main character said something I really liked "I can't do that, I have to tell him. I think a real relationship is supposed to be someone accepting me and all my faults and mistakes, both the good and the bad." I thought that was a beautiful line and completely true. I don't know if the writers were smoking crack when they wrote that line, while forgetting whom they were writing it for, but it matters not, it was pure gold.
This is my life philosophy. To be truthful with myself, and to be truthful with those around me, especially loved ones. They deserve to know my bullshit. Maybe not every detail of my relapse or cam session, but the general event. Why? Because this is their life that I'm fucking up too, and just because "they don't know" doesn't mean that's not the facts. When we deny the truth to our ladies about our addictions, what we're deny them is the opportunity to take matters into their own hands. That is, to make up their own minds if they wish to stay with us or not. Fellas, time is a finite and precious thing, how dare we make that decision FOR THEM.
Maybe they would leave us if the actually knew the truth
Maybe they would give us an ultimatum. "Get your shit together or I'm out of here"
Maybe they would help us. "I love you, and we must work through this together" My lady
Maybe they would be a real fucking bitch and call us a pervert and make us feel like shit
Maybe fuck knows what they would do or say
However, even the "bitch" deserves to know that her life is a lie, and that the man she thinks she "knows" is a liar and a fraud, and that he's denied her access to reality, THEIR reality. Sure, every woman handles news of porn differently, some understand, many don't, with a few in between, but you know what they all don't understand? The fucking lying! Across the board, it matters not the age or beliefs, they all shout in one accord, why did you hide this from me? Why did you lie?
Sure we can tell ourselves
I'm getting better...
I used to do this considerably more...
Women are too weak to understand "man problems"... (fuck me!)
I'll tell her when I've finally stopped this (in ten years!)
If I told her she would leave me (yikes!)
or, If I told her she would divorce me and divorce is a sin! (But lying and porn-cheating is NOT a sin?)
Jesus forgives me (double yikes) Didn't Jesus tell the whore, go and sin no more?
I'm not an addict (I'm guilty of this one)
or I am an addict (only when it's convenient!)
But these are all excuses and rationalizations and pure bullshit.
If most women really do think that porn is cheating, as us men think a dick in a vagina is cheating, then what if they said the same excuses when fucking dudes left and right for years on end behind our backs?
I'm getting better so this is okay...
I used to do this considerably more, but now only when I'm feeling sad...
He's just too weak to understand...
I'll tell him when I've finally stopped this (in ten years!)
If I told him he would leave me...
Jesus forgives me so it's okay, remember when he forgave the whore?
I'm not a sex addict, trust me...
or I am a sex addict, it's not my fault, don't be mad at me!
If our women did this to us we would be utterly righteously pissed, and if they lied about it for years on end, even more so. But we somehow think this "addiction" (when it's convenient for us to admit it) lets us off the hook for being assholes to our women.
I'm simply don't understand this anymore, and refuse to do this in my own life. Sometimes this place pisses me off to be truthful. Not because I'm better than anyone here, because I'm not (look at what I've just done), but because there is so much bullshit and rationalizations about this addiction and the secrecy that surrounds it.
If selfishness is the definition of addiction, then my God, we really are all addicts, because is there anything more selfish than denying the truth to the women we say we love? If we deny them that, we deny them everything. They deserve to know who their man actually is, so as to decide, if they wish to stay or not. Time is a precious commodity, and everyday that slips away not knowing what we're doing in the dark, is a day they'll never get back again. How dare we steal that from them.
No, we are not bad men, but we are bullshiters of the best sort. We bullshit everyone around us. Then we come here and bullshit as well. Always hiding, always rationalizing, and always having a bible verse or porn "science" in hand to excuse our behavior in the dark. Just look at my journal, I have definitely been full of it myself sometimes. Remember when I wrote Reasons Why Porn isn't Cheating? What a fucking moron I was to write such drivel.
That's what porn addicts do though, we just shit on everything and everyone, instead of facing our shit as men.
The Christians will say "We need grace and Christ forgives. We are "new" men in Christ but sometimes forget.
The porn science advocates will proclaim, "It's just the dopamine, I'm not to blame, I had "urges"
Well, that's all good and true, but that doesn't stop the tears from your lady's eyes when she "finally" hears the truth.
Is this really the best we can do? Blaming it on "dopamine" or an "unfinished" man in the image of Christ? I'm not bashing any of those beliefs, but I am bashing the bullshit and rationalizations that surrounds them.
We're not porn addicts, we're just selfish assholes.
Peace out.
Thanks @First_step_thousand_miles. Time flies when you're being good. Definitely can't wait to get to day 100, or even 90.
We've been watching this dumb show before going to bed the last while. It's vacuous entertainment, but a fun way to shut down the mind before going to bed. Any way, one of the dumber characters said something last night that was gold and is right in line with my personal ideas on relationships and recovery. This character had accidently kissed a stranger while being drunk at her bachelorette party, and when she confessed this to her friend and how bad she felt, and that she thought she would ruin her future happiness when she told her soon to be husband what happened, her friend suggested that she never tell him, and that what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. "That's life, we all makes mistakes" But then the main character said something I really liked "I can't do that, I have to tell him. I think a real relationship is supposed to be someone accepting me and all my faults and mistakes, both the good and the bad." I thought that was a beautiful line and completely true. I don't know if the writers were smoking crack when they wrote that line, while forgetting whom they were writing it for, but it matters not, it was pure gold.
This is my life philosophy. To be truthful with myself, and to be truthful with those around me, especially loved ones. They deserve to know my bullshit. Maybe not every detail of my relapse or cam session, but the general event. Why? Because this is their life that I'm fucking up too, and just because "they don't know" doesn't mean that's not the facts. When we deny the truth to our ladies about our addictions, what we're deny them is the opportunity to take matters into their own hands. That is, to make up their own minds if they wish to stay with us or not. Fellas, time is a finite and precious thing, how dare we make that decision FOR THEM.
Maybe they would leave us if the actually knew the truth
Maybe they would give us an ultimatum. "Get your shit together or I'm out of here"
Maybe they would help us. "I love you, and we must work through this together" My lady
Maybe they would be a real fucking bitch and call us a pervert and make us feel like shit
Maybe fuck knows what they would do or say
However, even the "bitch" deserves to know that her life is a lie, and that the man she thinks she "knows" is a liar and a fraud, and that he's denied her access to reality, THEIR reality. Sure, every woman handles news of porn differently, some understand, many don't, with a few in between, but you know what they all don't understand? The fucking lying! Across the board, it matters not the age or beliefs, they all shout in one accord, why did you hide this from me? Why did you lie?
Sure we can tell ourselves
I'm getting better...
I used to do this considerably more...
Women are too weak to understand "man problems"... (fuck me!)
I'll tell her when I've finally stopped this (in ten years!)
If I told her she would leave me (yikes!)
or, If I told her she would divorce me and divorce is a sin! (But lying and porn-cheating is NOT a sin?)
Jesus forgives me (double yikes) Didn't Jesus tell the whore, go and sin no more?
I'm not an addict (I'm guilty of this one)
or I am an addict (only when it's convenient!)
But these are all excuses and rationalizations and pure bullshit.
If most women really do think that porn is cheating, as us men think a dick in a vagina is cheating, then what if they said the same excuses when fucking dudes left and right for years on end behind our backs?
I'm getting better so this is okay...
I used to do this considerably more, but now only when I'm feeling sad...
He's just too weak to understand...
I'll tell him when I've finally stopped this (in ten years!)
If I told him he would leave me...
Jesus forgives me so it's okay, remember when he forgave the whore?
I'm not a sex addict, trust me...
or I am a sex addict, it's not my fault, don't be mad at me!
If our women did this to us we would be utterly righteously pissed, and if they lied about it for years on end, even more so. But we somehow think this "addiction" (when it's convenient for us to admit it) lets us off the hook for being assholes to our women.
I'm simply don't understand this anymore, and refuse to do this in my own life. Sometimes this place pisses me off to be truthful. Not because I'm better than anyone here, because I'm not (look at what I've just done), but because there is so much bullshit and rationalizations about this addiction and the secrecy that surrounds it.
If selfishness is the definition of addiction, then my God, we really are all addicts, because is there anything more selfish than denying the truth to the women we say we love? If we deny them that, we deny them everything. They deserve to know who their man actually is, so as to decide, if they wish to stay or not. Time is a precious commodity, and everyday that slips away not knowing what we're doing in the dark, is a day they'll never get back again. How dare we steal that from them.
No, we are not bad men, but we are bullshiters of the best sort. We bullshit everyone around us. Then we come here and bullshit as well. Always hiding, always rationalizing, and always having a bible verse or porn "science" in hand to excuse our behavior in the dark. Just look at my journal, I have definitely been full of it myself sometimes. Remember when I wrote Reasons Why Porn isn't Cheating? What a fucking moron I was to write such drivel.
That's what porn addicts do though, we just shit on everything and everyone, instead of facing our shit as men.
The Christians will say "We need grace and Christ forgives. We are "new" men in Christ but sometimes forget.
The porn science advocates will proclaim, "It's just the dopamine, I'm not to blame, I had "urges"
Well, that's all good and true, but that doesn't stop the tears from your lady's eyes when she "finally" hears the truth.
Is this really the best we can do? Blaming it on "dopamine" or an "unfinished" man in the image of Christ? I'm not bashing any of those beliefs, but I am bashing the bullshit and rationalizations that surrounds them.
We're not porn addicts, we're just selfish assholes.
Peace out.
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Blondie
Respected Member
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Awesome, man. Almost 2 months!
GBS
Respected Member
This is platinum. Hold onto it. That Is the best thing I have heard today. Hero. Stay heroic for yourself and for her.
First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Very proud of you man!
Blondie
Respected Member
Day 56
Thank you @Escapeandnevercomeback, @GBS and @First_step_thousand_miles. This place is so encouraging!
Slight urges the last few days, but nothing terrible. I hate to say it, but it's true. I wouldn't say I've been tempted though, it's just a slight haze in the background. This last semester has been brimming with stress so far, in fact I've never been this stressed in my entire life, and that's minus the drama I added myself with my last relapse. I feel I might have overdone it with this project I've decided to do. I thought it would be good for me, to push me out of my comfort zone, but damn, there's not a day I haven't woken up thinking, what the hell was I thinking? But this is good for me, I just need to keep my head up and stay the course set before me.
I've been thinking about my number the last few days, and how proud I am of it, but also, how I wish I could just "push" a button and be magically at "almost two years" again. But isn't that just what a "porn addict" would wish? Pushing a fucking a button to fix things, without actually having to do the work?
Thank you @Escapeandnevercomeback, @GBS and @First_step_thousand_miles. This place is so encouraging!
Slight urges the last few days, but nothing terrible. I hate to say it, but it's true. I wouldn't say I've been tempted though, it's just a slight haze in the background. This last semester has been brimming with stress so far, in fact I've never been this stressed in my entire life, and that's minus the drama I added myself with my last relapse. I feel I might have overdone it with this project I've decided to do. I thought it would be good for me, to push me out of my comfort zone, but damn, there's not a day I haven't woken up thinking, what the hell was I thinking? But this is good for me, I just need to keep my head up and stay the course set before me.
I've been thinking about my number the last few days, and how proud I am of it, but also, how I wish I could just "push" a button and be magically at "almost two years" again. But isn't that just what a "porn addict" would wish? Pushing a fucking a button to fix things, without actually having to do the work?
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Well, to be porn free technically you only need to stay away from it. But, for the majority of porn addicts, it can't be sustained for long term. Actually live life is what we need to maintain abstinence. It's like Steve-o said: With any other disease, what we want is to return to how healthy we were before we got sick. Addiction is that disease that once we heal, we are a better versions of ourselves. Not the exact words but something like that. So yes, in order to stay away from how we medicate ourselves, we need to become a better version of ourselves. Can you just sit on a couch and quit porn? Theoretically yes but it's very unlikely and very unrealistic. I want to see that person who quits porn so easy. Maybe they exist. Now someone might reply to my post and say: "Yo, you fuckin knucklehead, I did just that, sit on the couch for 5 years now I am 5 years porn free, done, I'm free." Well, awesome, man, I am happy for you but joke or no joke, I don't recommend anybody to try to quit in this manner, it's not realistic, I know, I've tried that. The result? My streak is 2 days only. It's not easy, many times it sucks, it's a struggle, it's a lifestyle, we need a spiritual improvement if we want to leave behind the medication, if we want to have better tools to deal with life than PMO/alcohol/drugs etc. name your poison.
And I don't mean religion when I mean "spiritual improvement". Although religion is many times a way through which people get clean/sober and change their lives in better. I have nothing against religion. Or spirituality (connection with your God without going through a church or particular religion - or at least this is my defintion of it). What I mean is that I believe in the existence of a soul. Some people call it a "spirit", hence my "spiritual" term, you got the idea, an evolution of your soul/spirit. An evolution of your true self. What does your soul/spirit (or real you) actually need in order to stop this stupid self-medication? That's the idea. And it goes beyond materialistic. it goes beyond money, possessions, pleasures etc. What do I TRULY need? How can I find my peace? And from then on, recovery will go well, that's how I feel.
And I don't mean religion when I mean "spiritual improvement". Although religion is many times a way through which people get clean/sober and change their lives in better. I have nothing against religion. Or spirituality (connection with your God without going through a church or particular religion - or at least this is my defintion of it). What I mean is that I believe in the existence of a soul. Some people call it a "spirit", hence my "spiritual" term, you got the idea, an evolution of your soul/spirit. An evolution of your true self. What does your soul/spirit (or real you) actually need in order to stop this stupid self-medication? That's the idea. And it goes beyond materialistic. it goes beyond money, possessions, pleasures etc. What do I TRULY need? How can I find my peace? And from then on, recovery will go well, that's how I feel.
Blondie
Respected Member
Day 57
Thanks for weighing in @Escapeandnevercomeback, I agree.
I've been thinking about my thought patters during the day and how often I fall into black and white thinking. I'm referring to school here. If I get a bad grade, it instantly brings up all these negative emotions about "me" and that I'm a "failure." This is all very unproductive and ironically, bad for my grades, because then it sends me to a place of either procrastination or just feeling depressed and going through the motions and doing a bad job on my homework, or both! I need to figure out a way to not see things in black and white, and to be more nuanced in my thinking.
Let's put it this way, I would never talk to a friend the way I talk to myself sometimes, and that's not cool.
Thanks for weighing in @Escapeandnevercomeback, I agree.
I've been thinking about my thought patters during the day and how often I fall into black and white thinking. I'm referring to school here. If I get a bad grade, it instantly brings up all these negative emotions about "me" and that I'm a "failure." This is all very unproductive and ironically, bad for my grades, because then it sends me to a place of either procrastination or just feeling depressed and going through the motions and doing a bad job on my homework, or both! I need to figure out a way to not see things in black and white, and to be more nuanced in my thinking.
Let's put it this way, I would never talk to a friend the way I talk to myself sometimes, and that's not cool.
swimmer97
Active Member
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Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I feel you, man. My whole life I've been hard on myself. It's something I'm trying to work on.
Blondie
Respected Member
Day 58
I hear you @Escapeandnevercomeback. Being hard on yourself is a tricky thing, because on one hand, we do need to be nice to ourselves, even at our lowest moments, but on the other hand, bullshitting ourselves for years on end, can be very unproductive and can be the very reason for our self hatred. You can tell yourself all day long to be "positive" and "love yourself", but if you're making the same mistakes over and over again, and keep lying to yourself about how serious it all is, well, that might be the very reason for your self hatred. It's a cyclical process. Speaking for myself that is.
You all have a great porn-free Saturday.
I hear you @Escapeandnevercomeback. Being hard on yourself is a tricky thing, because on one hand, we do need to be nice to ourselves, even at our lowest moments, but on the other hand, bullshitting ourselves for years on end, can be very unproductive and can be the very reason for our self hatred. You can tell yourself all day long to be "positive" and "love yourself", but if you're making the same mistakes over and over again, and keep lying to yourself about how serious it all is, well, that might be the very reason for your self hatred. It's a cyclical process. Speaking for myself that is.
You all have a great porn-free Saturday.
Ezel
Respected Member
Keep doing your thing champ.
Onwards cowboy.
Blondie
Respected Member
You too champ.
You da man.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
It is very tricky indeed. I think it's a conditioning somehow. I know that I started hating myself very intensely because I blamed myself for not trying to do something about the bullying when I was a kid, I didn't tell anybody about it, I didn't try to somehow save myself from that and then I blamed myself hard. And I kept hating myself with passion until I had to understand that it is what it is, I can't change that so hating myself today doesn't bring me anything because it won't change the past and I won't have a different path. We can't really blame ourselves for the mistakes that we've made in the past because that's what we could at that time, of course if I went back now with the mind that I have now, it would be a lot different but things don't work that way. Despise this, I believe it is a conditioning that becomes somehow very well spread all over inside your body and it becomes tricky to get rid of it even if you named it, it's still some "default" that tends to come out. Like a sickness that manifests itself every once in a while, more often or less often but you see yourself not able to get rid of it as quickly as you would like to. It's probably a process that takes time in which we need to build some self-respect and confidence through action, I don't know.