Porn is not an option

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Good stuff brother, keep it up!

 

[Blondie]

70 days

While it feels good to be here, the next twenty days is where the battle lies. In fact the next fifty or so days is where it's at. I need to get out of this rut and move to freedom. This time I will do it.

Good stuff brother, keep it up!

Thanks brother!

Same to you.

 

[Blondie]

71 days

 

[Blondie]

72 days

 

[Blondie]

Day 73

 

[Blondie]

Day 74

I just looked back to when I relapsed and I only got to 81 days, thus I'm getting real close to beating that. It's hard to believe that in a week's time, I will be able to say I haven't been this "clean" since early last fall before the big relapse. Damn, just writing that is pretty emotional for me. All the more reason to stay on the straight and narrow. Going back to this shit has shown me many things that I didn't want to know, or even admit about myself. For one thing, a relapse isn't just a relapse, but is real thing that sets you back, far back, and if not to the beginning, further back than most of us want to admit. Before my last relapse (New Year's Eve) I honestly didn't think my mind had been too fucked up with my small relapses over the course of September and early last October, even though I could tell there was a slight difference. However, after this last time, I've really noticed I've backtracked considerably and my mind is not the same as it was last summer. How is it different? Well, it's more sexualized, more pornified (wow that's a real word!) and more fucked up in general. I'm not only "sexual" like my usual self, but also have those random bizarre sexual thoughts flash through my head while walking around. Sad to say, this was gone from my head last summer when I had been clean for almost two years, but now, is somewhat "normal" again. That's the problem, when it's normal you don't even know what it feels like to be anything else but that. But I'm here to tell you, THIS ISN'T NORMAL! There is a life beyond this reality, where your thoughts are clean and pure and not so utterly sexualized. I've been somewhat lying to myself these last few months, and also to you as well, acting like my thoughts hadn't changed since my last relapse, but that's bullshit because they have, I just didn't want to admit it. It hurts too much to say that. Are they back to my pre-quitting porn journey? No, but they're there all the same.

Our actions have real world consequences, and as porn addicts we love to act like that's not the case. Of course, we can tell ourselves all day long that that's not true, but that doesn't make it so. Thus, although it's true I've been on this journey now for almost six years, in reality, I'm only 74 days out from ground zero. This is the hardest fact to admit to myself, but it is the truth and the truth I desperately need to hear. However, it is also true I've learned many new things about myself these last six years, and this is a good thing, and is something I should use to propel myself forward.

Are we not here to never look at porn again? Or are we only here to pat ourselves on the back and make excuses for our actions and behavior? I know where I stand (minus my faults and setbacks) and my motto is NEVER AGAIN.

Yesterday, I thought of this quote by Marx, it's fitting for us porn "lovers" as well. Slight modifications by yours truly.

"Philosophers Porn lovers have only interpreted their world, in various ways; the point is to change it. One of the most difficult tasks confronting philosophers porn lovers is to descend from the world of thought excuses to the actual world.

Thus, let us descend from our world of lies, bullshit, and half truths.

Sorry fellas for lying to you about my post relapse thoughts. I just didn't want to admit it to myself much less to you.

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Day 74

I just looked back to when I relapsed and I only got to 81 days, thus I'm getting real close to beating that. It's hard to believe that in a week's time, I will be able to say I haven't been this "clean" since early last fall before the big relapse. Damn, just writing that is pretty emotional for me. All the more reason to stay on the straight and narrow. Going back to this shit has shown me many things that I didn't want to know, or even admit about myself. For one thing, a relapse isn't just a relapse, but is real thing that sets you back, far back, and if not to the beginning, further back than most of us want to admit. Before my last relapse (New Year's Eve) I honestly didn't think my mind had been too fucked up with my small relapses over the course of September and early last October, even though I could tell there was a slight difference. However, after this last time, I've really noticed I've backtracked considerably and my mind is not the same as it was last summer. How is it different? Well, it's more sexualized, more pornified (wow that's a real word!) and more fucked up in general. I'm not only "sexual" like my usual self, but also have those random bizarre sexual thoughts flash through my head while walking around. Sad to say, this was gone from my head last summer when I had been clean for almost two years, but now, is somewhat "normal" again. That's the problem, when it's normal you don't even know what it feels like to be anything else but that. But I'm here to tell you, THIS ISN'T NORMAL! There is a life beyond this reality, where your thoughts are clean and pure and not so utterly sexualized. I've been somewhat lying to myself these last few months, and also to you as well, acting like my thoughts hadn't changed since my last relapse, but that's bullshit because they have, I just didn't want to admit it. It hurts too much to say that. Are they back to my pre-quitting porn journey? No, but they're there all the same.

Our actions have real world consequences, and as porn addicts we love to act like that's not the case. Of course, we can tell ourselves all day long that that's not true, but that doesn't make it so. Thus, although it's true I've been on this journey now for almost six years, in reality, I'm only 74 days out from ground zero. This is the hardest fact to admit to myself, but it is the truth and the truth I desperately need to hear. However, it is also true I've learned many new things about myself these last six years, and this is a good thing, and is something I should use to propel myself forward.

Are we not here to never look at porn again? Or are we only here to pat ourselves on the back and make excuses for our actions and behavior? I know where I stand (minus my faults and setbacks) and my motto is NEVER AGAIN.

Yesterday, I thought of this quote by Marx, it's fitting for us porn "lovers" as well. Slight modifications by yours truly.

"Philosophers Porn lovers have only interpreted their world, in various ways; the point is to change it. One of the most difficult tasks confronting philosophers porn lovers is to descend from the world of thought excuses to the actual world.

Thus, let us descend from our world of lies, bullshit, and half truths.

Sorry fellas for lying to you about my post relapse thoughts. I just didn't want to admit it to myself much less to you.

Yeah since those pathways still exist for us and will exist for a long time (maybe for like a decade+ who knows) even some relapses bring us much more quickly back to a pornificiation of the real world just walking around. That said, you and I have both seen what happens if you abstain long enough and we can see the world as we should be seeing it naturally -- that gives me a long of motivation. Keep it up man!

 

[Blondie]

I tell you what, while waiting for the bus today and seeing the beautiful blue sky above, I smiled knowing I'm almost about to past this milestone. There's nothing else like it, to be free that is. May I never forget.

Nothing else to report.

That said, you and I have both seen what happens if you abstain long enough and we can see the world as we should be seeing it naturally -- that gives me a long of motivation. Keep it up man!

Yes we have brother! Let's keep flying high.

Love you

 

[Blondie]

Day 75

I got on the old scale today and was not happy about what I saw. 210lb. Yikes! These last few months have been hell for my health overall and today it was plain to see. It's definitely time to lose this weight and get back under 200 again. I feel so big and disgusting with this weight that it's hard to admit I let myself get back here again. However, this does remind me of something. For my whole adult life (20s through 30s) this weight was normal for me and in fact I never thought anything of it. At that time I saw no problem with it and even thought my "little" gut was not too bad. Well, a few years ago I realized I was over weight (being tall hides that fact) and decided to lose those pounds once and for all. After losing those pounds and getting back down to 210 lb. I continued to lose weight until I was 190lb. which was a place I had never been before. This new me felt great and is the weight I like to be at. But it's funny because whenever I get back to 210 lb. I feel "fat" and "gross" even though that was my normal existence for my whole adult life. This reminds me of looking at porn. We did it all the time back in the day, hardly thought anything of it. But then, we decided to quit and create a new life for ourselves. And even though we might go back to it once and a while, it never feels normal to us like it used too. Furthermore, going back makes one feel gross and fucking fat, just like I feel now at 210lb.

You all have a great porn-free Tuesday.

Just a few days to go.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Amazing man! 75 days is significant progress. You got this. This time you have the ability to exceed the last streaks, man.

 

[GBS]

Hey mate, I think analogy with weight gain is interesting. I myself am about 210lbs (or 15 stone to we Brits). When I don’t care it goes to 15 stone 10lbs (= 220lbs), and when I cut out the red wine and chocolate biscuits (=cookies) it goes down to 14 stone 4lbs (=200lbs), but I have to make a highly concerted effort. Now with porn I knew I was being super relaxed and not caring, but actually what I was doing was screwing with my brain. And that made me the total gobshite I was to my wife. I felt awful but still carried on doing it. When I woke up to the problem 2 years ago I went cold turkey and the freedom was exhilarating not just because of the liberation and becoming a new man but because my wife realised I was a nicer person again.

Weight for me is different because although I feel better when I am lighter and that probably makes me generally nicer because I am happy, I am not awful to be with when overweight but free of porn. So I can get away with being overweight a bit. BUT this is another bit of self-delusion because I am giving myself the dopamine hits from food and the brain is all over that one as well, so I get your point. The strive to be as good a person as possible is truly never ending……and fucking annoyingly hard.

Keep going, hero.

 

[EarthWalker]

Hey man. Good luck with the weight. If you can afford it. Maybe go with a personal trainer. Coming from a bit of a poor background myself. Hiring a trainer is seen as something rich people would do. Same as hiring somebody to fix something around the house. You need to fix everything yourself. Anyway. I digress.

I had great results taking a personal trainer for gym climbing. I can easily say my progress has been at least 10x if not more. Maybe the same can be with weight. I think with a good personal trainer you can target specific weight goals and even % of muscle and have an accurate timeline. I imagine he can be like if you follow this plan you can expect to reach this weight at this week.

Onwards and upwards
EW

 

[Blondie]

Day 76
208.8 lb.

Amazing man! 75 days is significant progress. You got this. This time you have the ability to exceed the last streaks, man.

Thank you @Escapeandnevercomeback, I appreciate it.

Keep aiming high brother!

The strive to be as good a person as possible is truly never ending……and fucking annoyingly hard.

This is a good point @GBS. I hear you that this journey never ends. Yes there's definitely a big difference between porn and food, especially the relationship part of course, but still that dopamine aspect is there in everyway. I think my my main point is that we get accustomed to whatever we do, or what weight we're at. Thus, quitting porn then going back to it seems strange and foreign. Going back to my "normal" weight (210lb.) now feels unhealthy. Hence, we really are our habits and changing them changes us in return.

Best brother!

Hey man. Good luck with the weight. If you can afford it. Maybe go with a personal trainer. Coming from a bit of a poor background myself. Hiring a trainer is seen as something rich people would do. Same as hiring somebody to fix something around the house. You need to fix everything yourself. Anyway. I digress.

I had great results taking a personal trainer for gym climbing. I can easily say my progress has been at least 10x if not more. Maybe the same can be with weight. I think with a good personal trainer you can target specific weight goals and even % of muscle and have an accurate timeline. I imagine he can be like if you follow this plan you can expect to reach this weight at this week.

Onwards and upwards
EW

Thanks @EarthWalker. Yes I probably should do that, don't know if I can afford that at the moment though. What is gym climbing? Is that just rock climbing but inside a gym? That sounds fun.

Either way, thanks brother!

Upwards

 

[EarthWalker]

What is gym climbing? Is that just rock climbing but inside a gym? That sounds fun.

Yeah. I think indoor climbing is the official term. I call it gym climbing. Yeah, lots of fun. Outside is nicer. But gyms are fun as well.

I think what is possible to do is also a semi-private session. Like 2-3 people together hiring a personal trainer. Cheaper but the quality is also quite good. Maybe you know someone who is also trying to loose weight... Anyway. I trust you will kick ass with the weight.

Onwards and upwards
EW

 

[Blondie]

Day 77

 

[Blondie]

I think what is possible to do is also a semi-private session. Like 2-3 people together hiring a personal trainer. Cheaper but the quality is also quite good. Maybe you know someone who is also trying to loose weight... Anyway. I trust you will kick ass with the weight.

Thanks for the advice @EarthWalker! My Lady and I are doing this together, so maybe that's the "other" person.

Keep aiming high.

 

[EarthWalker]

Thanks for the advice @EarthWalker! My Lady and I are doing this together, so maybe that's the "other" person.

Sounds great. Good luck.

Onward and upwards

 

[Blondie]

Day 78

 

[Blondie]

Getting back into watching my diet, I'm reminded of the similarities of using substances to "relieve" symptoms of stress etc. First there's the stress, then the thought of eating, then the momentary "satisfaction" afterwards. However, if I refrain, then I just get pissed from not being able to indulge in my "fun".

Stay sharp out there folks. Indulging is never as fun as our brains tell us it is.

Also, fuck porn.

 

[Blondie]

Day 79