Day 74
I just looked back to when I relapsed and I only got to 81 days, thus I'm getting real close to beating that. It's hard to believe that in a week's time, I will be able to say I haven't been this "clean" since early last fall before the big relapse. Damn, just writing that is pretty emotional for me. All the more reason to stay on the straight and narrow. Going back to this shit has shown me many things that I didn't want to know, or even admit about myself. For one thing, a relapse isn't just a relapse, but is real thing that sets you back, far back, and if not to the beginning, further back than most of us want to admit. Before my last relapse (New Year's Eve) I honestly didn't think my mind had been too fucked up with my small relapses over the course of September and early last October, even though I could tell there was a slight difference. However, after this last time, I've really noticed I've backtracked considerably and my mind is not the same as it was last summer. How is it different? Well, it's more sexualized, more pornified (wow that's a real word!) and more fucked up in general. I'm not only "sexual" like my usual self, but also have those random bizarre sexual thoughts flash through my head while walking around. Sad to say, this was gone from my head last summer when I had been clean for almost two years, but now, is somewhat "normal" again. That's the problem, when it's normal you don't even know what it feels like to be anything else but that. But I'm here to tell you, THIS ISN'T NORMAL! There is a life beyond this reality, where your thoughts are clean and pure and not so utterly sexualized. I've been somewhat lying to myself these last few months, and also to you as well, acting like my thoughts hadn't changed since my last relapse, but that's bullshit because they have, I just didn't want to admit it. It hurts too much to say that. Are they back to my pre-quitting porn journey? No, but they're there all the same.
Our actions have real world consequences, and as porn addicts we love to act like that's not the case. Of course, we can tell ourselves all day long that that's not true, but that doesn't make it so. Thus, although it's true I've been on this journey now for almost six years, in reality, I'm only 74 days out from ground zero. This is the hardest fact to admit to myself, but it is the truth and the truth I desperately need to hear. However, it is also true I've learned many new things about myself these last six years, and this is a good thing, and is something I should use to propel myself forward.
Are we not here to never look at porn again? Or are we only here to pat ourselves on the back and make excuses for our actions and behavior? I know where I stand (minus my faults and setbacks) and my motto is NEVER AGAIN.
Yesterday, I thought of this quote by Marx, it's fitting for us porn "lovers" as well. Slight modifications by yours truly.
"Philosophers Porn lovers have only interpreted their world, in various ways; the point is to change it. One of the most difficult tasks confronting philosophers porn lovers is to descend from the world of thought excuses to the actual world.
Thus, let us descend from our world of lies, bullshit, and half truths.
Sorry fellas for lying to you about my post relapse thoughts. I just didn't want to admit it to myself much less to you.
