Blondie
Respected Member
In life, when it comes to our personal goals, the question that inevitably comes up is, are we getting the results we want or not? And if not, why not? Whether it's in our careers, our jobs, our relationships, our fitness goals, grades or whatnot, that is the imperative question. Are we actually getting the results we want? Take grades for example, some people care about them, some people don't, but I definitely do, and if they're starting to fall, there's only two reasons as to why that is happening.
1. Either my method of studying is flawed and needs to be changed or modified, or
2. I'm not working hard enough and I'm full of excuses.
Of course, it could also be both, which is a double whammy for failure.
Now if we look at this when it comes to our battle with porn, the same questions can be asked.
1. Either my method of recovery is flawed and needs to be changed or modified; or
2. I'm not working hard enough and I'm full of excuses.
I don't know about you guys, but I don't personally want to be here at RN for the rest of my life. Either we're getting results or were not, there is no gray area here. For example, if one has been trying to lose weight for three years but has not achieved anything remotely close to their goal, then there is something fundamentally flawed with their approach. Of course, this doesn't automatically mean the said person is "lazy" or "fat", no, is just means that whatever they're doing is not working and they need to go back to the drawing board to figure out the weaknesses in their plan of attack.
I say this as I'm approaching six years of fighting this battle, having started the fight in 2018. Six fucking years! That's a humbling thought indeed. Although I've been clean most of that time, we all know I've not exactly been a perfect cowboy, and that I've strung many a shit-stain throughout this rodeo.
Am I doing enough?
Am I doing enough?
Am I doing enough?
Reflecting on those two questions above and how I've changed or modified my methods over the past years, one thing in particular stands out to me. Honesty. This truth has been reconfirmed to me over this last relapse, when I started to lie again to cover my shit stains. You see, that's the problem with shit stains, you can't hide them even when you think you can, because not only does it smell for your partner (even if they don't fully understand where the foul stench is coming from) it "smells" for you as well and hinders your full recovery. I mean let's be honest, how can anyone fully recover while walking through their house leaving piles of cow shit down the dusty hallway? Although it might be "possible" that a godlike man could do this Herculean feat alone, it's not practical and adds twice the workload than if he just fessed up and told the truth. For example, when you track cow paddies down the living room and into the bedroom, you have two options before the Lady of the house sees your shit. Either hide the evidence by throwing the shit stained rugs into the hall closet, or spend unnecessary hours on your knees like a dog cleaning this god forsaken shit up before you're caught in the act. Why spend all this extra work instead of just telling the damned truth? All of this brings unnecessary anxiety and all the hours wiping away your tracks could have been spent on more productive things like your actual recovery and facing life on its own terms. Of course, I'm well aware that not every Lady of the house is as "shit friendly" as mine, and some might even kick your ass to the doghouse if disclosed. However, I might remind the dear reader that every Lady has her shit limit, and mine was when I tracked cam pies throughout the house at the beginning of the year, so trust me, I do understand your "shity" situation.
But of course, for some of us, it might be worse than just the doghouse, disclosing this addiction could rightly be the harbinger of a nasty divorce or breakup. So yes, I don't judge a man for keeping his secrets, I get it, I really do, however, I would urge you and myself to ask this pertinent question, what do we value more, the possibility of a relationship built upon lies destroyed, or the possibility of actually being able to get over this addiction once and for all? I don't have statistics to prove this point, but I can't imagine many addicts (either alcoholics or drugs addicts) ever got over their addictions by themselves, it just doesn't work that way. Every addict has had their moment when the shit hits the fan, and they had to face the reality of their actions, even if their actions were influenced by their addiction. Just because we've hidden the shit stained rug in the hall closet doesn't mean it's not there in our lives. It still smells. It still hurts our women. And more importantly, it hurts us even more and obstructs us from reaching our goal, that is, absolute freedom from this shit.
Thus, going back to those two questions at the beginning of this post, I can truly say that telling the truth and living in the truth, not just with my Lady but with myself as well, has dramatically helped my recovery. Furthermore, whenever I've failed to do that in my life is when I've gotten into trouble again. Lessons hopefully learned this time around.
Well those are my thoughts as I approach 82 days porn free, that being the furthest I've been away from porn in the last 6 months. I can't tell you how excited I am to reach this milestone. Every day away from that shit is one more glorious day in the books.
Fuck porn and fuck throwing my shit stained rugs into the closet!
Love you all.
1. Either my method of studying is flawed and needs to be changed or modified, or
2. I'm not working hard enough and I'm full of excuses.
Of course, it could also be both, which is a double whammy for failure.
Now if we look at this when it comes to our battle with porn, the same questions can be asked.
1. Either my method of recovery is flawed and needs to be changed or modified; or
2. I'm not working hard enough and I'm full of excuses.
I don't know about you guys, but I don't personally want to be here at RN for the rest of my life. Either we're getting results or were not, there is no gray area here. For example, if one has been trying to lose weight for three years but has not achieved anything remotely close to their goal, then there is something fundamentally flawed with their approach. Of course, this doesn't automatically mean the said person is "lazy" or "fat", no, is just means that whatever they're doing is not working and they need to go back to the drawing board to figure out the weaknesses in their plan of attack.
I say this as I'm approaching six years of fighting this battle, having started the fight in 2018. Six fucking years! That's a humbling thought indeed. Although I've been clean most of that time, we all know I've not exactly been a perfect cowboy, and that I've strung many a shit-stain throughout this rodeo.
Am I doing enough?
Am I doing enough?
Am I doing enough?
Reflecting on those two questions above and how I've changed or modified my methods over the past years, one thing in particular stands out to me. Honesty. This truth has been reconfirmed to me over this last relapse, when I started to lie again to cover my shit stains. You see, that's the problem with shit stains, you can't hide them even when you think you can, because not only does it smell for your partner (even if they don't fully understand where the foul stench is coming from) it "smells" for you as well and hinders your full recovery. I mean let's be honest, how can anyone fully recover while walking through their house leaving piles of cow shit down the dusty hallway? Although it might be "possible" that a godlike man could do this Herculean feat alone, it's not practical and adds twice the workload than if he just fessed up and told the truth. For example, when you track cow paddies down the living room and into the bedroom, you have two options before the Lady of the house sees your shit. Either hide the evidence by throwing the shit stained rugs into the hall closet, or spend unnecessary hours on your knees like a dog cleaning this god forsaken shit up before you're caught in the act. Why spend all this extra work instead of just telling the damned truth? All of this brings unnecessary anxiety and all the hours wiping away your tracks could have been spent on more productive things like your actual recovery and facing life on its own terms. Of course, I'm well aware that not every Lady of the house is as "shit friendly" as mine, and some might even kick your ass to the doghouse if disclosed. However, I might remind the dear reader that every Lady has her shit limit, and mine was when I tracked cam pies throughout the house at the beginning of the year, so trust me, I do understand your "shity" situation.
But of course, for some of us, it might be worse than just the doghouse, disclosing this addiction could rightly be the harbinger of a nasty divorce or breakup. So yes, I don't judge a man for keeping his secrets, I get it, I really do, however, I would urge you and myself to ask this pertinent question, what do we value more, the possibility of a relationship built upon lies destroyed, or the possibility of actually being able to get over this addiction once and for all? I don't have statistics to prove this point, but I can't imagine many addicts (either alcoholics or drugs addicts) ever got over their addictions by themselves, it just doesn't work that way. Every addict has had their moment when the shit hits the fan, and they had to face the reality of their actions, even if their actions were influenced by their addiction. Just because we've hidden the shit stained rug in the hall closet doesn't mean it's not there in our lives. It still smells. It still hurts our women. And more importantly, it hurts us even more and obstructs us from reaching our goal, that is, absolute freedom from this shit.
Thus, going back to those two questions at the beginning of this post, I can truly say that telling the truth and living in the truth, not just with my Lady but with myself as well, has dramatically helped my recovery. Furthermore, whenever I've failed to do that in my life is when I've gotten into trouble again. Lessons hopefully learned this time around.
Well those are my thoughts as I approach 82 days porn free, that being the furthest I've been away from porn in the last 6 months. I can't tell you how excited I am to reach this milestone. Every day away from that shit is one more glorious day in the books.
Fuck porn and fuck throwing my shit stained rugs into the closet!
Love you all.
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