Day 53
My man! Halfway there to triple digits, keep up the great work
Thanks
@First_step_thousand_miles. Time flies when you're being good. Definitely can't wait to get to day 100, or even 90.
We've been watching this dumb show before going to bed the last while. It's vacuous entertainment, but a fun way to shut down the mind before going to bed. Any way, one of the dumber characters said something last night that was gold and is right in line with my personal ideas on relationships and recovery. This character had accidently kissed a stranger while being drunk at her bachelorette party, and when she confessed this to her friend and how bad she felt, and that she thought she would ruin her future happiness when she told her soon to be husband what happened, her friend suggested that she never tell him, and that what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. "That's life, we all makes mistakes" But then the main character said something I really liked "I can't do that, I have to tell him. I think a real relationship is supposed to be someone accepting me and all my faults and mistakes, both the good and the bad." I thought that was a beautiful line and completely true. I don't know if the writers were smoking crack when they wrote that line, while forgetting whom they were writing it for, but it matters not, it was pure gold.
This is my life philosophy. To be truthful with myself, and to be truthful with those around me, especially loved ones. They deserve to know my bullshit. Maybe not every detail of my relapse or cam session, but the general event. Why? Because this is their life that I'm fucking up too, and just because "they don't know" doesn't mean that's not the facts. When we deny the truth to our ladies about our addictions, what we're deny them is the opportunity to take matters into their own hands. That is, to make up their own minds if they wish to stay with us or not. Fellas, time is a finite and precious thing, how dare we make that decision FOR THEM.
Maybe they would leave us if the actually knew the truth
Maybe they would give us an ultimatum. "Get your shit together or I'm out of here"
Maybe they would help us. "I love you, and we must work through this together" My lady
Maybe they would be a real fucking bitch and call us a pervert and make us feel like shit
Maybe fuck knows what they would do or say
However, even the "bitch" deserves to know that her life is a lie, and that the man she thinks she "knows" is a liar and a fraud, and that he's denied her access to reality, THEIR reality. Sure, every woman handles news of porn differently, some understand, many don't, with a few in between, but you know what they all don't understand? The fucking lying! Across the board, it matters not the age or beliefs, they all shout in one accord,
why did you hide this from me? Why did you lie?
Sure we can tell ourselves
I'm getting better...
I used to do this considerably more...
Women are too weak to understand "man problems"... (fuck me!)
I'll tell her when I've finally stopped this (in ten years!)
If I told her she would leave me (yikes!)
or, If I told her she would divorce me and divorce is a sin!
(But lying and porn-cheating is NOT a sin?
)
Jesus forgives me (double yikes) Didn't Jesus tell the whore,
go and sin no more?
I'm not an addict (I'm guilty of this one)
or I am an addict (only when it's convenient!)
But these are all excuses and rationalizations and pure bullshit.
If most women really do think that porn is cheating, as us men think a dick in a vagina is cheating, then what if they said the same excuses when fucking dudes left and right for years on end behind our backs?
I'm getting better so this is okay...
I used to do this considerably more, but now only when I'm feeling sad...
He's just too weak to understand...
I'll tell him when I've finally stopped this (in ten years!)
If I told him he would leave me...
Jesus forgives me so it's okay, remember when he forgave the whore?
I'm not a sex addict, trust me...
or I am a sex addict, it's not my fault, don't be mad at me!
If our women did this to us we would be utterly righteously pissed, and if they lied about it for years on end, even more so. But we somehow think this "addiction" (when it's convenient for us to admit it) lets us off the hook for being assholes to our women.
I'm simply don't understand this anymore, and refuse to do this in my own life. Sometimes this place pisses me off to be truthful. Not because I'm better than anyone here, because I'm not (look at what I've just done), but because there is so much bullshit and rationalizations about this addiction and the secrecy that surrounds it.
If selfishness is the definition of addiction, then my God, we really are all addicts, because is there anything more selfish than denying the truth to the women we say we love? If we deny them that, we deny them everything. They deserve to know who their man actually is, so as to decide, if they wish to stay or not. Time is a precious commodity, and everyday that slips away not knowing what we're doing in the dark, is a day they'll never get back again. How dare we steal that from them.
No, we are not bad men, but we are bullshiters of the best sort. We bullshit everyone around us. Then we come here and bullshit as well. Always hiding, always rationalizing, and always having a bible verse or porn "science" in hand to excuse our behavior in the dark. Just look at my journal, I have definitely been full of it myself sometimes. Remember when I wrote
Reasons Why Porn isn't Cheating? What a fucking moron I was to write such drivel.
That's what porn addicts do though, we just shit on everything and everyone, instead of facing our shit as men.
The Christians will say "We need grace and Christ forgives. We are "new" men in Christ but sometimes forget.
The porn science advocates will proclaim, "It's just the dopamine, I'm not to blame, I had "urges"
Well, that's all good and true, but that doesn't stop the tears from your lady's eyes when she "finally" hears the truth.
Is this really the best we can do? Blaming it on "dopamine" or an "unfinished" man in the image of Christ? I'm not bashing any of those beliefs, but I am bashing the bullshit and rationalizations that surrounds them.
We're not porn addicts, we're just selfish assholes.
Peace out.