Day 365, no PMO, one year into my reboot.
But who?s counting? We all are counting ? because every successive day clean is a success, a reason to celebrate.
So what has happened in a year? I was on the verge of asking my doctor for a little blue pill when I stumbled on this site. I read through the journals and learned a few things and decided I had to take action. It was daunting. I tossed out a lot of things that were giving me false comfort ? my x-rated social media accounts, my collection of photo ?favourites?, my online ?friends? who I abandoned without saying goodbye. It hurt, it felt so final, especially taking the scissors to the webcam cable. The triggers were all gone. I was left limp, half-alive, bereft of a decade-plus of false pleasure.
My wife had no idea all this was going on in the background, but she consoled me ? she figured that my deteriorating performance in bed was part of the aging process but that a lot of it was in my head (man, was she right on the head part - she read my anxiety like a book!). I chose not to share my double life with her, against some strong advice, because I did not want her to hurt any more - she was on year 5 of beating stage 3 cancer, facing her own mortality every day, and did not need any more negativity around her. Her happiness was my cause. I struggled. Our joint health today the measure of success.
Fortunately, I had so much support on this site ? many names come back to me that I do not see today and so many others of you who contribute regularly today. The hugs and handholding gave me the strength to turn one day into a week into a month into 90 days and, now, a year. Today, I feel complete again. What was important to me a year ago seems so trivial today, and with everyone?s help here I have rediscovered true importance in the natural balance of things.
I have often mused that the system that nature evolved to support procreation is wonderfully complex and mysterious, that no engineering company in their right mind would ever get the funding to develop something like that. I believe it more than ever now. My vote is for nature, as nature intended it, all the chakras, working in harmony. Let's celebrate the wonder of it.
To my friends here, thank you again. To all, if you are early in your reboot, run the course. If you relapse, you are still on the course. Figure out what went wrong and reset the day counter. Addiction is an evil thing and will try to trick you back into its fold. Just keep at it ? it gets easier every day. You will be glad you did.
Thanks again to all here. Now, places to go, mountains to climb ?
-JJ
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