Just turned 30 - Tired of subs and relapse.

[ajcoals]

Fellas -

I've been an average user here for sometime. 
My history is this:

Grew up in a loving home, but abused by older family member at ages 6 and 11. Messed me up, as it does everyone. Found P&M around age 13, and dove in deep for the next ten years.  After I got married (22), I entered counseling. Initially for the P, but then on and off since then for the abuse.  I also battle intense same-sex attractions, which I connect partially to my abuse. 
I'm a Christian, husband, father and a pastor, and I've battled with sexual struggles my entire adult life.  My wife is a great partner in helping me fight, but she doesn't always understand the intensity of my struggles.  I'm still in regular counseling going about once a quarter, and regularly share with a close friend how I'm doing.

My current problem is this: subs and thoughts.
I've put strong filters and boundaries in place, I can't really get to P, but the subs are everywhere.  Even non-electronic subs like books in a bookstore can be a big challenge. 
I've begun to connect the doubts - unhindered thoughts -> Subs -> M and/or P -> enormous guilt, shame, anxiety and depression.  I seem to always be at one point of this vicious cycle. 

Subs and my thought life have been more of a struggle since I've kicked the P out with the boundaries.  The edging gives me enormous urges and sustained highs that are very difficult to come down from.  My wife and I have open dialogue and great intimacy, but I want to kick 2017 off with having multiple layers of accountability.

I welcome you guys to help me fight, process and succeed.  Love that this community exists. 

 

[ajcoals]

Almost relapsed tonight. Had a close call with an app, but before I saw anything, I quickly deleted the app.

I use Covenant Eyes...any guys out there use this program for accountability?

Also curious, if you use filters or accountability apps...what do you do if you find a work-around? I've had to replace my program twice in the past couple of months.

Thoughts?

 

[xyz]

Welcome back to this forum and all the best with your journey. With regards to accountability apps and filters - I tried them for a little bit but found I would always find a way around them - I just found P, or P-subs to be too widespread too easy to access and my motivation to access them too high. I have no doubt they work for some people but I've just never found they work for me. For me I think I really have to get at my underlying motivation to watch and my addiction. The downside is exposing myself to it being to easy to respond to urges - my saving grace at the moment as almost never having time alone with my computer/phone - if I had lots of alone opportunities I'd probably need to retry the filters etc.

All the best with your journey, hope you find plenty of support here!

 

[ajcoals]

Thanks xyz -
Grateful to be back.  I had a close call last night after my wife went to bed, but had victory, praise God.  Day 3 for me here! I agree, time alone is awful.
I've noticed extended times alone as well are harmful. The more i can keep my brain busy, the better I am.  I try to do a lot of reading, working around the house, spending time with family, etc. 

My worst times are first thing in the morning. Anyone else deal with heavy urges then? What do you do?

 

[rebootrapp]

In order to avoid PMO in the morning, I woke up at the last moment possible to still get to work on time. I had just enough time to fix my hair, brush my teeth, gran a lunch from the fridge and get to work. I also still don't take my cell phone in to the bathroom with me, no point in tempting fate!

 

[ajcoals]

Good ideas. Thanks! 

 

[ajcoals]

Fellas - Really wanted some p-subs from Netflix this morning. Woke up and had some studying to do.  Ultimately resisted, thank God.  That stuff sets me back.  The edging for ever is terrible.  Getting away from the computer now!

 

[Airedalehappy]

Thanks cknfella I agree that alone time is tough, thanks for your tips I guess keeping your brain active is the best thing you can do. When I struggle is at night before going to sleep or also in the morning like you. What I have found fairly successful is to play one of the research videos which explains what is going on in your brain at that moment, the reasons for the cravings and brain chemicals etc. That explanation of why I get the urges helps me to understand them and then control them. 

 

[ajcoals]

AirDalehappy - great idea. I've done that in the past, need to start doing it again.

I'm teaching tonight, been stressed and anxious for the past couple of days.  Been struggling badly all morning, and all I want is to be alone and look at P.  I'm jumping on here and committing to you guys, I'm fighting and not going to look at anything. No P No Subs. Period. 

I'm also battling a ton of thoughts today. How do you guys deal with that?  Like what do you do within the first ten seconds to keep from fantasizing?

 

[gazz]

I spend a lot of time on the forum, reading experiences, connecting to ppl going through the same thing. When I generally start feeling the urge to relapse, I get on here and start reading and the urge passes

and I've been using this video as a guided meditation to overcome urges. 'urges are misplaced energy'... which has been a really helpful tool in the moment when scenes are starting to flash in my head and the thought of relapsing makes those chemicals start to buzz. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yp_D8GInoHM

...and by the time i'd watched the vid a lot, i'm now able to do a short easy version of breathing and processing the urge myself. It can be developed so that it can simply be a deep breath. Feel an urge... breathe in... and breathe out, and focus on something else.

 

[Airedalehappy]

Also I listened to this radio show
http://yourbrainonporn.com/brett-explains-how-cope-porn-cues-and-sexual-tension-show-21
It might give you some ideas as to how take your mind off the urges

 

[ajcoals]

That's great Airedale - I'm checking it out now.

Had a great week for the most part. I find that urges hit me, unwillingly with intensity at the most random places. I can be at Starbucks, reading, enjoying my morning, then all of a sudden I find a sudden strong attraction to someone who walks in, that I have to fight.  These urges take me by surprise (not really, but just in the moment) and I find some days I just have to work hard to keep these at bay.    I've wanted to M a couple of times, but fought the urge.  Wanted to this morning, and thought about having to jump on here and confess that failure and it shifted my focus...praise God! 

I was reading Scripture this morning, and reading through the story of Joshua and Jericho, and was struck by how all throughout God's Word, God puts his people in impossible situations, and then fights the battle on their behalf.  I have to remember that the strength I have to fight P&M comes directly from him and not myself.  Left alone, I know exactly what I will run to, and the daily battle is finding my joy and hope in Him.  Seeing God as a greater pleasure than P.

 

[javidze]

hi cknfella! dude have you checked xxxchurch.com? It is not a P site, don't worry hehe  ;D
It was made by a pastor who overcame P addiction and has lots of articles and programs to help others, from the Christian point of view and still really down to earth. Check it out!

 

[ajcoals]

Man, I'd heard of it, but didn't know they had articles too. I'll check it out!

 

[ajcoals]

Day 9 update:

Today was hard. My wife left to go to a class tonight, I have been struggling all day with thoughts.  I started M'ing in the shower...then moved to bed.  Finally stopped, threw clothes on, went downstairs.  Began watching a movie, was tempted to look at subs...started for a half second, then stopped. Praise God!!

I really didn't want to go down that road. I'm logging on to share my struggle, now jumping of the computer!

 

[rebootrapp]

Good job dude. Keep it up

 

[ajcoals]

Guys - Started down the path of subs on Netflix...watched maybe ten -15 seconds, then fled.

I hope this isn't a relapse, I'm off now, and fleeing again.  Ugh...sucky day.

 

[gazz]

watching 15 seconds of Netflix and STOPPING before things got worse is the opposite to relapse. It's urges pulling you in, and you struggling and doing the harder thing by running off. So well done!  8)  8) That's the hardest struggle. The beast has got its chains around you and is pulling you in! get through this tough time using all the things you've learned up to this point.

I'm actually in a similar place at the moment. Was really enjoying my sobriety, now depression, and urges that are like a physical pain are crushing me, I was wide awake all last night and feel terrible this morning! 'Heal yourself with PMO' a voice is telling me. I've got all my porn blocks on and am just sitting here feeling terrible waiting for it to pass. be strong and sit with the pain!!!!!!

 

[ajcoals]

Gazz -

Man, what a huge encouragement you were to me this morning. I woke up in despair, and reading your comment was very helpful.  I find the most frustration at times comes from times I spend "searching" for material and may find it for a few seconds, but then run.  The actual searching sends me reeling and I have to go do something else.  Yesterday was a day of fighting, but it was one of those days where you feel beaten down by the end of it, not victorious ha.

Here's to another day...freedom only comes from finding a greater, truer Pleasure to choke out the fake pleasure - I find that in Christ!

 

[gazz]

cheers cknfella, that's so good to hear.

sometime all we can do is say - this is awful, but I know I have to keep going without doing anything stupid.

I guess my equivalent of subs is playing fantasies/ scenes in my head. The more trouble i'm in, the more I do it. The temptation is always to let it happen for a few seconds, then I eventually have to pull myself out of it - so to speak - and it feels awful. I guess like a mini relapse hangover.

ha, and yes, funny these victorious days where we feel defeated. Despite everything I always feel a little reward when I come to the forum, still on the clean team, and write - another day in the bag!