Just turned 30 - Tired of subs and relapse.

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ajcoals

Active Member
50 days....50 DAYS!!!!!!

Today, I hit the big 5-0, and I'm in awe, honestly.  The half-way point of my goal, and it totally gets me pumped up.  I don't know if I've ever went 50 days without Mo'ing since I discovered it. Incredible. I feel very different, honestly. My wife is pregnant, so I haven't actually had an O in about 2 weeks, and honesty, I feel great.  I feel productive and free, clear headed and happy. There's no shame, guilt and my anxiety has gone down. I know I flatlined about 2 weeks ago, but now it seems like I've leveled out.  My drive is there, but it's a strong shadow of what it was, not nearly as forceful as it was 50 days ago, which means my drive, although strong, was constantly running in overdrive I think.  My 50 days have been hard, and have not been without some setbacks, but I'm pressing on.

Staying away from edging and subs big time.  Fellas, I can't wait until the 100 day mark!
 
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ajcoals

Active Member
Just read this great article on sensitization, and how the pleasure centers in our brain are rewired by our use of porn. 
http://yourbrainonporn.com/porn-pseudoscience-and-?fosb

So grateful to be on here fighting every day. I want my sensitization to P to die and my sensitization to healthy sex and other gifts in life to increase tremendously.

Never giving up.
 
D

Dem

Member
Man- your situation sounds a lot like mine. Praying for you as you continue to fight. We will get through this.  I started the PMO detox about 2 weeks ago and I am encouraged and inspired to know that their are other believers that are struggling with this thorn.  Thankful for his grace, forgiveness, and mercy- every day.

Be encouraged.
 
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ajcoals

Active Member
So last night this happened:

I had gone to bed and was extremely aroused. I had already been tempted to watch a sub, and fled.  I roll over and begin grinding on my stomach, it's been a week or so since I last O'd. I eventually O'd w/o even touching myself.  I haven't M'd in 55 days. Crazy.

I'm not calling this a relapse, but I am adjusting my ticker below.  Here's what I'm experiencing:
- I haven't M'd in 55 days, which I really don't think I've done since puberty. I'm super pumped about this.
- Last night fantasy was there, but it was minimal and I continually pushed it out of my mind. Excited about this.
- Overall, I've been killing fantasies and not letting my mind rest there.
- I still haven't viewed P or subs actively w/ or w/o M in almost 2 months. Again, that's a record.
- I went to sleep and woke up with no residual guilt or shame. I think primarily because last night was impulsive and not driven be hours of lust and/or fantasies.

I'm adjusting my ticker below to include just P & Psubs, and I"m pressing on to 100. Not giving up. I'm still fighting to make M non-existent, but I'm not letting one event like last night set me back. 

Would appreciate any thoughts on this!
 
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ajcoals

Active Member
Well, fellas. I'm back on here.  Had a really long running streak. Didn't meet my goal, obviously, but made it to 69 days.  Super bummed and frustrated this week, cause while I had been feeling strong, as we all know, temptation is right around the corner, and the weakness and proclivity to sin is always there. 

2 days ago in the early morning hours, I found a movie site (that I've now blocked on my filter), and on there I found an old 70s p*rno. I watched parts of it and it sent me into a tail spin. Watched a couple of erotic films and M'd 2x.  It was awful, absolutely awful.  Confessed to my wife, she was gracious, but also frustrated. 

I'm not going to despair, I'm going to continue to fight. I've spent the last day in prayer and wanted to jump back on here. Sorry for the absence, I knew I should've been on here more over the past couple of weeks.  Glad to be back!
 
KittyHawk

KittyHawk

Active Member
Don't get discouraged. You've been clean so many days! That's a progress!

69 days? I would be celebrating and I hope I will make it also so far.
 
G

gazz

Active Member
Hey mate
Know you're making progress. Yet be aware of the trickiness of the challenge. I'm sure there was a time in your past where 69 days didn't seem like a possibility at all. So onward until this thing is a problem well and truly in the past!
 
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ajcoals

Active Member
Thanks gazz...

Very true. 69 days was impossible for most of my life, I'm grateful for the progress, it hopefully points to true growth.  I'm struggling again this morning and glad I jumped on here. I was speaking to a friend this week about my struggle, and it's important to remember that a relapse does not mean all of your work is lost.  The progress I saw over the past few months was tremendous, and I need to keep building on that.

My relapse also has shown me that I can't stop fighting, particularly during the good times. It's during the good times, I need to be vigilant in staying in the Word, posting on here and fighting my sin.  I have to fight every day.  Going to try to be more consistent on here.
 
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ajcoals

Active Member
Came so close to giving in today.  Still breaking through this pattern of subs.  Screwed around with subs a lot today...would run to it, then away from it, run to it, then away from it. It was like a low-grade edge. Awful.  I hate this. I didn't even want to post on here, I'm so frustrated. I want this stuff so bad, and yet I know it will kill me. All day today I've felt like a freakin addict, it feels like my skin will peel off if I don't have it. 

I've spent time in prayer and in the Word, I know Christ is better than anything on a screen or in person. I know he's better, and i know he's fighting these battles for me. Now, I must fight too!  Christ is my only hope for freedom.  Hope you guys are well!
 
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ajcoals

Active Member
Had an incredible time night last night.  Spent time in with God in the Word and in prayer. Went to go to bed, my wife and i had incredible sex.  Such a huge blessing.  I'm reminded every time my wife and I are together that sex is such a GIFT.  A gift from God that is both enjoyable and restorative. 
 
a_better_tomorrow

a_better_tomorrow

Member
My advice is keep posting.  Make it a routine.  It is an opportunity for you to reflect on what you are doing and plan your victory.  I am practically submitting reports on here.  If you commit to regular posts, it does something to your psyche.  All of a sudden a violation of your prescribed rules will be something you care about. 

If I wasn't writing on reboot nation, I would not care as much.  I've created a "record" and now violations go on a "record".  It sounds silly, but I feel as if it has some serious pull on my behavior. 

Congratulations on that long streak of 69 days.  I only made it 5-6 weeks when i tried to quit last year on my own.  Posting here is helping me.  I can see victory from here.
 
3

32

Active Member
Hey. 69 days is an amazing feat; I know because I reached 61 until a week and a half ago. Been away for most of the time since then, but now I am back and was edging/browsed porn related images. It is the inconsistency that kills the brain and causes an emotional tailspin. We need to cut this shit from our lives for good.
 
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ajcoals

Active Member
Hey guys,

Jumping back on here after a retreat this week. It was so nice to be alone with my wife and co-workers over the past few days and I found it really restorative.  I had a REALLY difficult night of battling temptation and despair. I was up for 3 hours straight, in the throws of despair over both my temptation and attractions, but God saw me through it. I had the opportunity to binge on P last week as well as sit and look at it this am.  I had issues with my phone and the software, so I had more access to p than usual.  Anyway, I was struggling this morning, went to go look...was in it for 5-10 seconds and fled immediately.  I'm so aware that this junk doesn't have the ability to satisfy. Later this morning I had my wife block that app and I spent time reading Ephesians 3-4, Praying for God to renew in my inner being the strength and power that only he can provide. I will not surrender to my desires. I will not be controlled my addiction or attractions, I stand in Christ and Christ alone as my identity and strength. He is so good, and I will continue to fight.  No binge, no M, and I fled P this morning. Praise God for progress!
 
Abc

Abc

Active Member
Philippians 4:13  I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Stay strong my friend !
 
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ajcoals

Active Member
Guys,

Started to watch a sub tonight, shut it down quickly but shouldn't have been there to begin with. Jumped on here instead.  Grateful for this community and pressing through.
 
A

ajcoals

Active Member
Last night was a reminder of how dangerous even "a hint" of a sub or a thought can be.  Last night I had another terrible night where I tossed for over an hour, fantasies ran amuck and I woke up 2 hrs later and M'd. It was freaking stupid, but i know i did it to myself by going to look at something even for a second. Lately I've been tempted with "just a quick look" and it might even still be a quick look, but that look opens up 'the portal' into my brain and so many temptations and emotions flow in.

I have netflix and hulu uninstalled on my computer, that's where i normally struggle with subs, so I'm hoping that will help.

Lately it's been one temptation after another. I need to fight stronger and be more vigilant with my mind.
 
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