Just turned 30 - Tired of subs and relapse.
- Thread starter ajcoals
- Start date
Great word fellas -
Posting now. Last night was miserable. Sometimes the discouragement and despair feels like a black hole, and i was in deep last night. I wanted PMO so bad, then I just wanted nothing. I wanted to feel numb.
Talked with my wife and she M'd me, which felt electric...not sure why, may have been overly sensitive from the chaser effect, but it was indescribable.
Better this am, got a solid 8 and looking forward to a new day.
Posting now. Last night was miserable. Sometimes the discouragement and despair feels like a black hole, and i was in deep last night. I wanted PMO so bad, then I just wanted nothing. I wanted to feel numb.
Talked with my wife and she M'd me, which felt electric...not sure why, may have been overly sensitive from the chaser effect, but it was indescribable.
Better this am, got a solid 8 and looking forward to a new day.
Day 35 here. Excited to see the movement. I've been incredibly busy lately, sometimes I wonder if the progress I see is just from being distracted or from actual growth.
I've also seen a decrease in my sexual desire. My wife and I've had sex, and it's been great, but on the whole, I'm thinking about and desiring sex in a lesser way than I was 30 days ago. I don't fill my drive has diminished, but my pre-occupation has...anyone else see this as well?
I've also seen a decrease in my sexual desire. My wife and I've had sex, and it's been great, but on the whole, I'm thinking about and desiring sex in a lesser way than I was 30 days ago. I don't fill my drive has diminished, but my pre-occupation has...anyone else see this as well?
rebootrapp
Active Member
My preoccupation with sex has diminished, I think that's a fair statement. But my desire for my wife has increased so much! Especially when it's been a little while, I'll be on fire for her to the point where a little physical contact will get me rock hard.
preoccupation with sex hasn't diminished much. The difference on this sobriety ride is that I don't feel useless and lazy during the moments between fapping. NOw in my days I have constructive hobbies and my life is moving forward through what I do... but still dealing with constant thoughts about every pretty girl that walks by...
My love for my wife has increased as my brain rewires back to sanity.
My love for my wife has increased as my brain rewires back to sanity.
To be perfectly honest, I'm here because my urges are HIGH today, and I"m struggling. Almost M'd this am, was so h*rny I started humping the bed. Ridiculous.
Today's just one of those days, I feel it is a struggle every hour. Instead of M'ing I went for a run and instead of turning to subs, I'm here, but frankly, don't want to be. I want what I don't need, what will destroy me. The dichotomy between the soul and flesh is felt most acutely at times like this. I won't give in. I won't stop fighting.
I'm here, battled and bruised today, but I'm here.
If you're discouraged today, just be here. Be all here. Don't stop fighting. Never stop fighting.
Today's just one of those days, I feel it is a struggle every hour. Instead of M'ing I went for a run and instead of turning to subs, I'm here, but frankly, don't want to be. I want what I don't need, what will destroy me. The dichotomy between the soul and flesh is felt most acutely at times like this. I won't give in. I won't stop fighting.
I'm here, battled and bruised today, but I'm here.
If you're discouraged today, just be here. Be all here. Don't stop fighting. Never stop fighting.
Mikel
Active Member
Good work man.Those urges sound strong and you're doing the right thing by recognising them and getting them down, out of your head.
I had thoughts like that recently, I was annoyed at something and part of me got even more annoyed because I wanted to edge to topless women but knew I couldn't. Main thing is, I didn't and I got through it.
The tough days make it all worthwhile. We only really see that when we're past them though.
I had thoughts like that recently, I was annoyed at something and part of me got even more annoyed because I wanted to edge to topless women but knew I couldn't. Main thing is, I didn't and I got through it.
The tough days make it all worthwhile. We only really see that when we're past them though.
I think this morning I realized what I'm experiencing.
Depression, anxiety, discouragement and despair. Lack of drive, energy or joy.
After spending some time on the YBOP website, I was reminded of this little thing called FLATLINE.
I'm almost certain, I'm flatlining, and even the sexual interaction I get currently puts me in a terrible mood the next day.
Anyone else in their 30's experiencing flatlines and found great ways to cope?
Depression, anxiety, discouragement and despair. Lack of drive, energy or joy.
After spending some time on the YBOP website, I was reminded of this little thing called FLATLINE.
I'm almost certain, I'm flatlining, and even the sexual interaction I get currently puts me in a terrible mood the next day.
Anyone else in their 30's experiencing flatlines and found great ways to cope?
Fellas -
Day 42 has been a killer one. I fell down a sub hole today. I fled, but I'm seeing this has been a massive struggle for me during this reboot.
The good:
I had full access to P on my wife's computer while she was gone. Did not look at P. Wanted to M multiple times, never came to O.
The Bad: I spent probably a half hour or more edging to subs. I'd start a video, then run. Start a movie, then run. It was not a full blown relapse, but it certainly wasn't a victorious day either. I wanted something so bad, I convinced myself even a little wouldn't hurt. No nudity, mainly kissing and the beginning of certain "scenes".
I'm committing here, that although I'm not resetting my counter from this, because ultimately I think it was a win (no P), that if I edge to subs or M again, I reset the counter. I also changed my counter to include edging, which is a big issue for me, and I know that causes setbacks.
Pretty frustrated over today, but honestly, I'm choosing not to embrace shame, and embrace grace instead. Proverbs says a godly man falls down 7x but gets back up. This is a long, grueling process, and the last week has been hell. I"m not fixating on this, I'm moving on.
Day 42 has been a killer one. I fell down a sub hole today. I fled, but I'm seeing this has been a massive struggle for me during this reboot.
The good:
I had full access to P on my wife's computer while she was gone. Did not look at P. Wanted to M multiple times, never came to O.
The Bad: I spent probably a half hour or more edging to subs. I'd start a video, then run. Start a movie, then run. It was not a full blown relapse, but it certainly wasn't a victorious day either. I wanted something so bad, I convinced myself even a little wouldn't hurt. No nudity, mainly kissing and the beginning of certain "scenes".
I'm committing here, that although I'm not resetting my counter from this, because ultimately I think it was a win (no P), that if I edge to subs or M again, I reset the counter. I also changed my counter to include edging, which is a big issue for me, and I know that causes setbacks.
Pretty frustrated over today, but honestly, I'm choosing not to embrace shame, and embrace grace instead. Proverbs says a godly man falls down 7x but gets back up. This is a long, grueling process, and the last week has been hell. I"m not fixating on this, I'm moving on.
Reminder:
I read this post this morning, and it was incredibly encouraging. - http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/arm-yourself-with-promises
Matthew 5:8: "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."
When I look at P, subs or M I am clouding my heart with sin, and as a son of God if I'm looking at P...I can not see God well. This was such a good reminder for me. Hope it helps you as well today!
I read this post this morning, and it was incredibly encouraging. - http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/arm-yourself-with-promises
Matthew 5:8: "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."
When I look at P, subs or M I am clouding my heart with sin, and as a son of God if I'm looking at P...I can not see God well. This was such a good reminder for me. Hope it helps you as well today!
Airedalehappy
Member
Great news mate?congratulations!
We are both on a very similar day of our no PMO journey and I've had a pretty shit week too, in terms of feelings and very strong urges to relapse. I'm hoping maybe once we get through this patch then we will have overcome the darkest times and be moving further into the light, because the goal of 90 days PMO free will be nearer than the point in time we started out from.
Kind of past the point of no return in giving up?
We are both on a very similar day of our no PMO journey and I've had a pretty shit week too, in terms of feelings and very strong urges to relapse. I'm hoping maybe once we get through this patch then we will have overcome the darkest times and be moving further into the light, because the goal of 90 days PMO free will be nearer than the point in time we started out from.
Kind of past the point of no return in giving up?
I read this this morning, and found it particularly helpful in the fight. We go to PMO to scratch an 'itch'. What is that itch? If it was simply an O, then we'd be gone in 2 minutes. If it was simply sex, then we'd have sex with our partner and be finished. It's actually so much more. Realizing this during my reboot has been huge. I turn to PMO for a deep-soul itch, that nothing in this world can scratch:
"The itch of self-regard craves the scratch of self-approval. If we are getting our pleasure from feeling self-sufficient, we will not be satisfied without others seeing and applauding our self-sufficiency.
Hence Jesus?s description of the scribes and Pharisees in Matthew 23:5, ?They do all their deeds to be seen by others.?
This is ironic. Wouldn?t you think that self-sufficiency should free the proud person from the need to be made much of by others? That?s what ?sufficient? means. But evidently there is an emptiness in this so-called self-sufficiency.
The self was never designed to satisfy itself or rely upon itself. It never can be self-sufficient. We are are not God. We are in the image of God. And what makes us ?like? God is not our self-sufficiency. We are shadows and echoes. So, there will always be an emptiness in the soul that struggles to be satisfied with the resources of self.
This empty craving for the praise of others signals the failure of pride and the absence of faith in God?s ongoing grace. Jesus saw the terrible effect of this itch for human glory. He named it in John 5:44, ?How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?? The answer is, you can?t. Itching for glory from other people makes faith impossible. Why?
Because faith looks away from self to God. Faith is being satisfied with all that God is for you in Jesus. And if you are bent on getting the satisfaction of your itch from the scratch of others? praise, you will turn away from Jesus. That is not what he is like. He lives for the glory of his Father. And calls us to do the same.
But if you would turn from self as the source of satisfaction (repentance), and come to Jesus for the enjoyment of all that God is for us in him (faith), then the itch of emptiness would be replaced by a fullness ? what Jesus calls ?a spring of water welling up to eternal life? (John 4:14)."
"The itch of self-regard craves the scratch of self-approval. If we are getting our pleasure from feeling self-sufficient, we will not be satisfied without others seeing and applauding our self-sufficiency.
Hence Jesus?s description of the scribes and Pharisees in Matthew 23:5, ?They do all their deeds to be seen by others.?
This is ironic. Wouldn?t you think that self-sufficiency should free the proud person from the need to be made much of by others? That?s what ?sufficient? means. But evidently there is an emptiness in this so-called self-sufficiency.
The self was never designed to satisfy itself or rely upon itself. It never can be self-sufficient. We are are not God. We are in the image of God. And what makes us ?like? God is not our self-sufficiency. We are shadows and echoes. So, there will always be an emptiness in the soul that struggles to be satisfied with the resources of self.
This empty craving for the praise of others signals the failure of pride and the absence of faith in God?s ongoing grace. Jesus saw the terrible effect of this itch for human glory. He named it in John 5:44, ?How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?? The answer is, you can?t. Itching for glory from other people makes faith impossible. Why?
Because faith looks away from self to God. Faith is being satisfied with all that God is for you in Jesus. And if you are bent on getting the satisfaction of your itch from the scratch of others? praise, you will turn away from Jesus. That is not what he is like. He lives for the glory of his Father. And calls us to do the same.
But if you would turn from self as the source of satisfaction (repentance), and come to Jesus for the enjoyment of all that God is for us in him (faith), then the itch of emptiness would be replaced by a fullness ? what Jesus calls ?a spring of water welling up to eternal life? (John 4:14)."