Just turned 30 - Tired of subs and relapse.

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ajcoals

Active Member
Bro - absolutely.  I've recently started employing the "red X and exploding" tactic with my thoughts, because fantasies can run so rampant so easily, it can cause so much harm in the fight. 

I actually was having one of those moments right now. I'm in the middle of reading Don Quixote (this is what I do now that I'm off FB...I'm working through the best novels ever written). It's good, but slow at points and my mind wonders quickly.  Hopped up and logged on here. 

Grateful to know so many other guys want to fight for real intimacy in their lives. Keep it up fellas!
 
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ajcoals

Active Member
Fellas -

Hope you're all well. I wanted to jump on here first thing this morning.

Yesterday was an incredibly dark day.  I struggle with unwanted SSA (same sex attraction) and my P and Sub usage has magnified that, and I've been feeling withdrawals lately.  I also just felt incredibly heavy, discouraged, depressed and alone.  I started sharing with my counselor yesterday and then my wife last night (they both are aware of my struggles), but the intensity of the urges were so strong they felt overwhelming yesterday. 

Here's what I realized this morning in the shower.  My intense and difficult days typically don't come out of no where.  I haven't given in to M or P, but I've had some edging moments that have brought me close, that I've ultimately fled.  The residual effects of edging and/or succumbing to any type of sexual thought or activity outside of our spouses is detrimental  I edge closer and closer one day, and even if I find victory in fleeing that moment, I've opened a gateway into my mind for temptation and an emotional roller coaster that lasts for days and could very well lead to a complete relapse.  I don't know if this is everyone's tendency, but it's certainly been a pattern for me.

If you're considering edging just for a second with that book, that Twitter account, that movie trailer, that Netflix show, that P site...STOP.  Stop now and remember that this decision has enormous consequences in the battle.

I'm vigilant this morning...yesterday sucked, and I don't want to repeat it.  Keep fighting guys. Freedom is worth it.
 
Mikel

Mikel

Active Member
I know what you mean. It's that 'little peek' scenario I've been down a few times. I would listen to that stupid voice in my brain and have a little look at something even if it's very soft, thinking that would be it. What that does is open up the pathways to more and more and more until, like you said, can be very difficult to stop or eventually relapse.

It's hard to stay away from absolutely everything, yet it's so so worth it.
 
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gazz

Active Member
Great work on staying in the fight warrior!

Sorry for repetition - i'm pasting the below from an old post of mine:

I've been using this video from them as a guided meditation to overcome urges. 'urges are misplaced energy'... which has been a really helpful tool in the moment when scenes are starting to flash in my head and the thought of relapsing makes those chemicals start to buzz. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yp_D8GInoHM

For me - fantasizing is my 'P sub'. It was happening last night while I was at a concert. And I know that if I fantasize for too long, it's harder to pull myself back, and I feel crappy. so I did a quick form of the above meditation. I STOPPED that fantasy and the dopamine buzz, and I imagined pulling that energy up into my heart and becoming energy. and it worked! this is great for me because fatigue has been a problem for me in a while. It's called 'sexual transmutation' - great stuff, have a search on youtube, or here's another paste from the past:


I know I mention them a lot, but still going through all the no fap academy videos. Saw one yesterday about ?sexual transmutation? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exmLbaJxQOI and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWuirte24Jo Cool stuff ? kind of blew my mind. All this ?sexual energy?, or for me, energy I used to nut my load watching P, can be used elsewhere. ?Sexual energy is creative energy, and there?s so much of it, what we can achieve in sobriety is boundless.?

Have an awesome day!
 
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ajcoals

Active Member
Gazz - thanks bro. I'm definitely curious about that, and will check it out!  I've started working my way back through the YBOP articles as well. 

 
A

ajcoals

Active Member
Fellas -

I had to hop on here this morning, because yesterday was a HUGE victory for me.

I've been struggling all week...fantasies, discouragement, etc. My wife left the house two days in a row for a couple of engagements she had planned on going to. The first day I told her to take our laptops with her so I they wouldn't be laying around the house (win!).  This was very helpful. The second day (yesterday), she left and told me she had locked her laptop and left it there so it shouldn't be a problem.  Well, 30 mins later I've grabbed her laptop and start going down that pathway.  I realized quickly I could enter into her laptop through as a "guest"...this meant I had unfiltered full access to the internet.  My heart was racing, reeling at the possibilities.  I'm very aware however that I also don't want to go down this path, but as you know, also really did.

The Good:
Guys - after a few minutes of edging with non P-stuff (see below), I closed the computer without  looking at P and walked away. God granted me the grace in that moment to have enough awareness to know this was not what I wanted.  I can't think of the last time I had full access to the internet (no accountability or filtering software) and I didn't give in.  I. was. stoked.  Spent the afternoon praising God and was excited to tell my wife.

The Bad:
I did spend a few minutes on Dailymotion in the beginning stages of looking at a couple of films (non-porn).  I struggled here, but ultimately fled too.  This sadly falls in that gray area, but after spending a couple mins on there, I fled.  I'll start a movie, then stop, start a movie, then stop.  It's a massive tug-a-war in my soul, but I ultimately left, shut the computer, didn't M and got away.

Guys - I'm excited. Not dropping my guard down, but I wanted to share this victory.  Soon I'l be at 20 days and I'm praying I continue forward. I really want to hit 100!
 
javidze

javidze

Member
The Power of Small Wins!  8)
Good to know you're improving.

Have you considered going out of your house when you're wife is not home? Like having a full day plan to keep you away from temptations. Or at least go to a library or to Starbucks for a few hours (that's what I do sometimes).
 
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ajcoals

Active Member
Great question!  Yes, I use to do that prior to kids, but now if one of us in out, the other is at home with our little ones. They were napping when the temptations hit. 

I passed the 20 day mark!! Super excited about that.  Still progressing well and staying busy.

Weekends typically bring more temptation, more free time, so I'm going to stay busy this weekend.
 
A

ajcoals

Active Member
Last night and this morning I've had a number of intense and erotic fantasies come into my head, particularly when i'm reading (a regular hobby). Here's the pattern, I'm writing it out for my own benefit:

- I'm sitting still, mind is singularly focused
- Distracted by a rogue thought
- Rogue thought morphs into fantasy
- MOMENT OF TRUTH: Destroy fantasy or follow it.
- Begin searching for actors on the web
- Go to Netflix or other sites for subs
- Fantasies and sub images stay with me for days, bringing discouragement, lack of confidence and temptation

I'm putting this out there so I can learn to break this pattern. I'm struggling this morning, but committing to you fellas that I'm not giving in!
 
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gazz

Active Member
Great stuff mate. Interesting thought recording too. I've failed at not destroying a thought that's turned into a fantasy, which has then stuck with me for days and made me weak. good reminder for me to let it go and focus elsewhere!
 
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ajcoals

Active Member
Fellas -

Struggling still.  My fantasy turned me to edging on my phone, very briefly, but I found P in a surprising place. I have good filters, but came across something.  I lingered for a 3-5 seconds, but fled...came back...and fled again immediately. I don't want this crap it my life. I hate it.

I immediately jumped on here, cranked up some worship music and posted on here.  I am not going to give in.  I want it so bad, but it only wants to destroy me. It sells itself as the most beautiful piece of fruit but as soon as you take a bite, you realize the entire thing is rotten on the inside.

I'm done. I will keep fighting.
 
A

ajcoals

Active Member
Guys -

Just read this article. Was hugely helpful for me, thought it'd be for you as well.
http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com.au/2011/03/cure-your-cravings.html?m=1

Reactive mode is a very different state of mind (and body) from mastery mode, which is how we operate when we're at our best.

In mastery mode:

Problems are viewed as something to handle, not to panic about
We remain broad-minded enough to notice what's actually going on
We remain open-minded enough to remember that we have options and calmly look for ones we hadn't noticed before
We keep breathing, learning, adapting--and then we get back to (and on with) our regularly scheduled life with as little fanfare and drama as possible

In reactive mode, we're like a resident of a burning building in a full panic. We're more likely to do things that don't serve us well.

In mastery mode, we're more like a trained firefighter. We know what we need to do and we go about doing it in spite of the heat.

To foster mastery, we can deliberately cultivate its characteristics:

Accept the urge as a part of life (oh, yeah, that--yawn) instead of as this hugely significant problem or invitation and opportunity
Breathe (nice, full breaths) to keep the brain oxygenated
Notice (specific sights, sounds, touch) to keep oriented to what's real now instead of looping into panic or fantasy
Choose how to respond. Experiment by trying out a different response instead of by doing what we've always done, which has so often failed
 
A

ajcoals

Active Member
Fellas -

Talking with a brother today about my struggle.  Fighting to keep honesty, vulnerability and transparency at the forefront of my fight.

#Liveinthelight
 
A

ajcoals

Active Member
Fellas -

Subs have been creeping at the door. I want it so bad at moments, but I'm not giving in.  Praising God for almost 30 days clean!! "I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God."

I wanted to post this verse because it was so encouraging this morning. There are times where fighting PMO becomes so stressful, trying to dodge the next bullet without losing your mind.  What we need is perfect peace. 

God tells us:
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock." - Isa. 26:3-4

I'm choosing today to not fixate on PMO, but keeping my mind on my God who gives me perfect peace.
 
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gazz

Active Member
great work, mate. I can see you're working hard. Every battle you win, your enemy has less control over you!
 
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ajcoals

Active Member
Thanks guys!
Celebrating 29 days today fellas!!

Fell into a Netflix trap this morning, a movie was added that became a temptation for me. I jumped out quickly...I don't want it. I do, but I don't. And I'm going to keep pulling back to reality. My marriage, my children...most importantly, my God...they're worth it.  PMO never, EVER satisfies.
 
A

ajcoals

Active Member
I'm past the 30 day mark!!!!


I left the gym today, and wanted to M badly, lots of temptation. Quickly fled and didn't do it.

Haven't had sex in about a week, so that's not helping the urges, but God has been good.

I'm remembering that instead of living in panic mode, constantly trying to dodge the next wave of temptations, I've resolved to simply accept them when they come and use them as opportunities to grow, rather than problems to avoid.  This has helped my anxiety significantly.  I don't know if I've shared this yet, but I also struggle pretty heavily with unwanted SSA (same sex attraction), and so that brings on it's own set of anxiety and discouragement.  This has been helped by every time temptation hits, I remind myself: "This is my life.  This is my reality, and this is an opportunity to grow." This has helped my mindset a ton, and as we all know, mindset can make or break you in this fight. 

Anyway, hope you fellas are doing well!
 
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