Just turned 30 - Tired of subs and relapse.

[xyz]

cknfella, long time no speak - been having some time away from here for the last couple of months but thought I'd check back in.

Awesome to see you're still here and still on your journey.

Just had a look through your last few posts - and just had a thought. There were a lot of comments about wanting to 'fight' - that word just kept cropping up. Make sure you don't get too caught up 'fighting' all the time - as soon as we rely on fighting this thing away, we'll fail - our brains are addicted and will take the easy route to surrender every time. Roll with the urges, embrace them, let them come - they will come, but they are not you. When an urge comes, think about it, accept it as an urge, roll with it and then move on, with something else. You can fight, and add blockers, and get your wife to block apps, and fight, fight, fight til you can't fight any more but it just doesn't work as a sustainable strategy - it all ends up becoming about the fight instead of getting on with something else. Block porn? You'll end up on Netflix. Block Netflix? You'll end up on YouTube. Block YouTube? You'll find something else. On it goes. These are all useful techniques but I'm convinced they need to occur in a wider approach that ends up meaning it's not the blockers that save you - it's you that changes.

Also, it's such a blessing that you have a supportive wife. But I guarantee you she'd rather get on with her life with her husband not addicted to watching porn, than she would helping you block apps on your phone. With such a supportive partner you can have a life ahead of you of such strength and blessing to each other - but only once you get this beast behind you.

Finally, you're a pastor. Your church depends on you, and needs you to be PMO free. I'm lucky - I didn't have the responsibilities you do in leading and guiding a church. I was able to fluff around for far too long trying and trying to quit before I eventually seem to have got there. You have the blessing of being a leader, but that raises the stakes for you immensely. 1 Timothy 3 lays out the requirements for church leaders and I challenge you to see how PMO fits into that picture. From what I see in your posts you seem like you'd be a blessing to your church - you seem like a genuine, compassionate, Christ-focused leader - but your Church needs you PMO free.

I'm probably being too harsh - I'm a fellow recovering addict myself, after all. But I have so much faith that you can beat this addiction and rid yourself of these final lingering issues with subs etc. My comments are made absolutely in love and the total belief that you can get this behind you and get on with your life PMO (and subs, and edging!) free. You've proven yourself before you can do it. It's time to get this nailed for good!

 

[ajcoals]

xyz -

Bro - that might have been one of the most encouraging, impactful comments I've read in a long time. THANK YOU!

You're dead-on.  I've been in a spiral of fighting lately, and i hadn't noticed it until you pointed it out. I've been trying to "fight" so much and when I fail, I think the problem was I just didn't 'fight' hard enough.  Your comment reminded me to go back and read this post:
http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com.au/2011/03/cure-your-cravings.html?m=1

and think about viewing my urges with master, and clear plan, vs reactively. 


The writer writes this about mastery of urges:
"In mastery mode, we're more like a trained firefighter. We know what we need to do and we go about doing it in spite of the heat.

To foster mastery, we can deliberately cultivate its characteristics:

Accept the urge as a part of life (oh, yeah, that--yawn) instead of as this hugely significant problem or invitation and opportunity
Breathe (nice, full breaths) to keep the brain oxygenated
Notice (specific sights, sounds, touch) to keep oriented to what's real now instead of looping into panic or fantasy
Choose how to respond. Experiment by trying out a different response instead of by doing what we've always done, which has so often failed"

Your words regarding my wife and ministry were on point too. My wife has been super supportive, but I'm so tired of needing her to be what she's been for me. I'm ready for her to have a husband that is porn free.  I feel i'm close, but I can't break through these last few hurdles.  My largest gain recently was 69 days...longer than I've literally ever gone. I feel i"m really close, now it's time to kill this thing.

Thanks for the encouragement bro, I'd really love for you to hold me accountable in this. PM if you still jump on here!

 

[ajcoals]

As what happens with many of us, our journey includes periods of failure as well as successes.  A week and a half ago, I had a failure, and this past week has been difficult. I want to be angry, I want to throw the phone across the room. I want to make threats, promises, claims that this will be it. 

I can't. I'm hopeless and helpless to fight my own flesh without power of God. 

I spent time this morning, reading Proverbs. Here are a few things I read:

- 8:11: All that I desire (lust) can not compare with wisdom
- 10:17: Listening and obeying God's wisdom leads to the path of life
- 10:23: Wisdom is PLEASURE (wow!) to a man of understanding

What is wisdom? It is the ability to rightly apply the knowledge of God's word, i.e. live the way God commands. 
Where does wisdom come from? From God himself. He gives his wisdom and his power to his children to give them the ability to live as we should. Not because we are good, but because of what Christ has done on the cross.


I'm done.  I'm done trying to justify. I'm a sinner. I'm the worst of sinners. Apart from God, I will fail every time, every day. If I don't keep my face in His Word, in His presence, I'm gone.

Praying today for strength AND wisdom.