Orbiters Journal of Recovery

[Phineas 808]

Yes, very possible to build up momentum, and to often check your determination.

Something I?ve been saying to myself lately is, Be vigilant but not hyper-vigilant.

Because this shouldn?t all be some exercise in white-knuckling, but a serious yet relaxed effort at habit change.

You?re doing it, Orbiter!

 

[Orbiter]

Day 6 - Survived the catch up & drinks as well as the morning after with no relapse. I was able to stick with minimal screen time throughout.

Hi Phineas, thanks for dropping by!

Wise words as usual. I was thinking the other day if what I am doing at the moment is white-knuckling and I couldn't come up with a conclusion in the moment. I'm being very strict on myself at the moment but I am also doing everything to take it one cautious day at the time right now.

It doesn't FEEL like white-knuckling. I don't feel like i've been dwelling too heavily on PMO, i've actually been quite busy since my last relapse so it hasn't been the constant, stressful, exhausting internal battle white-knuckling becomes.

With that said I am taking this VERY seriously and being conscious of how I spend my time at the moment. My current goal is to make it through the weekend. I think the way this will work is I will spend one day over at my fathers and devote one day to getting on top of chores and taking care of house tasks/creative projects for the day. I'm also thinking of taking a day-trip out of town if being around the home becomes too difficult. No laptops or phones in the bedroom morning or night of course.

 

[Orbiter]

RELAPSED
Day 0

Spoke too soon. My plans fell through for today and there's been some bad lockdown news, I didn't pay enough attention to my thoughts or made enough of an effort to have alternative arrangements in place and wound up MO-ing pictures for half an hour.

It's disappointing but I suppose I still made it further than I have in a few weeks so that's something(?). Have to get things back on track either way.

 

[Aussie_85]

Hey man,

sorry to hear - try and not relapse again and ride out the chasers, you've been going well and your making progress.

Aussie.

 

[SebUK]

Hey mate - definitely agree with your approach of keeping the laptop/phone locked away. I wrote this in another chap's thread, but basically I find locking down the technology gives me some breathing space. I.e. time to get out of the hole. Then once I'm out, I slowly bring in the technology again. Although again, trying to avoid bad habits like having the phone in my room when I go to sleep (actually I've started doing that again recently - have to stop!).

Do you have some strategy for doing this in place now?

I have put my Android phone in the garage downstairs and it's now been there for a month! Probably has a whole shit load of dust on it But I'm leaving it there because I know it's just one more trigger if it comes back into the house.

 

[Phineas 808]

Good job on the 6 days, Orbiter!

You are making progress, just keep going forward.

It sounds like you have a good grasp on what white-knuckling means, in that it?s a constant preoccupation (for or against), while you?re taking necessary steps to ensure success.

Awesome!

 

[Orbiter]

Thank you all for your continued insights & support. Unfortunately it's day 1 yet again. I relapsed both yesterday & the day before, making it three days in a row.

So...

As going a few days much less 30 is a struggle, i'm breaking things even further down and i'm modifying the 30 day challenge to a 7 Day Plan. I have structured this plan based on a combination of the plan Imsor suggested and the "Back 2 Basics" 7 Day Plan the Dobbers outlines in this fantastic episode of his podcast. https://recoveredman.com/107-back-2-basics-the-7-day-porn-free-plan/

I took a couple of hours yesterday to note down the weekly writing prompts. A list of cues/triggers/habits, alternative habits to replace them and a timetable/game plan tackling the challenges of each individual day of the week.

Not including work, I am giving myself 2 hours of computer time a day that I can use to check emails, post in my journal and anything else I need. In it's place I have books to read, music to make, stuff to get done around the house, walks & exercise to do, life to visualise & plan for and friends to catch up with over the phone. The weekend has a list of enjoyable activities I have listed to keep me busy & prevent me from spending excessive amounts of idle time in front of a laptop or phone for no reason. I have become too reliant on computers & phones to relax & unwind. I need to find other ways to do this as I can't trust myself with idle time on a computer right now.

There will be no alcohol this week. I plan to be in bed at 11pm and out of bed as soon as i'm awake.

The window to my bedroom goes out to the apartment complex. I will leave the blinds open so I am visible whenever a computer or phone is in the room (for work mainly). I'm optimistic this will limit the amount of 'unaccountable time' I have in the week.

I plan to post in the journal daily this week. I've got some books on recovery & addiction as well as things relating to some other life goals (getting financial situation sorted etc.) and i'm going to try and do at least something recovery-related at least once a day even if it's just posting here.

If I Suceed - I'm going to reward myself by throwing a BBQ with either my father and/or whichever friends I can rope into joining me. Failing that i'll go to a park or beach and do it on my own. This is as long as state lock-down laws will permit this by then, which they may not. Otherwise I will use the money I would spend on that to reward myself with a cheap-ish piece of music gear. Possibly a second-hand FX pedal of some variety.

If I Fail - No laptop outside of work AT ALL for 4 days.

This probably all sounds super-serious and way too similar to stressing/white-knuckling, which I have considered. However this is only for 7 days as a 'circuit breaker' to snap me out of what's happening at the moment.

At least right now, I need to make recovery my main priority and take this seriously.

 

[SebUK]

Sounds like a good plan man.

What kind of music are you into? I just ordered a focusrite audio interface for my new adam audio speakers. I love music production

 

[Phineas 808]

Good plan, Orbiter!

Using your 7 day plan as a circuit breaker is a good way to put it. Similarly, in the beginning of my latest efforts (especially from November on), I deleted Pinterest for myself, as a useless platform that only tempted me back time and again, and provided actual ways to link to p-sites!

It was a way, in additiion to changing my habits surrounding social media and my iPhone in general, to 'shock' me back into a serious recovery effort.

 

[Orbiter]

It's day 2 today and I have stayed true to my plan. It's early days but I feel the new routine is already making a positive difference in my life.

For accountabilities sake, I am going to begin to include borderline or 'edging' behaviour in my journal as, while not healthy to obsess over, needs to be monitored. Too many streaks have gone wrong because of it.

* Yesterday when I was out for a night walk, I found myself looking more than I should at the windows of buildings as I was passing. I feel like I sometimes do this almost hoping I will see something. I'm not proud of this but it's doing me no good keeping this to myself. It's something I need to address.

* In the morning I was in bed, having woken up before my alarm went off. I found my mind wandering into excessive fantasy. Once I woke up enough to realise this, I got myself out of bed early, got into the cold shower and started the day a bit earlier.

So far so good. I hope you are all doing well too.



Phineas808 - It changes the way you look at it right? I think the old 'i'm going to not do this, avoid that, abstain from this etc. forever because it's for my own good' feels good in the first couple of days because there's the empowerment of putting our feet down on a habit but the euphoria of making that commitment wanes quickly and the urges are waiting on the other side.

Even if it's purely psychological, I feel like going super-serious on recovery for this week, working to replace the bad habits, setting a concrete reward at the end of that period & reassessing the next step after makes the necessary effort to get back on track not feel as difficult or daunting. Let's see how it goes anyway.

Things like Pinterest, IG, Youtube can be so easily be used for edging, habitual peeking & other borderline behaviour which is something I really need to take more seriously than I do. As they say, a near-miss is an accident waiting to happen. It just builds to a relapse if left unchecked & unaccountable.

Since the initial relapse of this year, I have developed a compulsion to visit a site I will not name to avoid triggering that, while not outright P, has plenty of borderline material that can be easily used for that purpose. Most of my relapses this year have been because of it and it has to stop. I intend to make some distance between myself & it over the space of this week.

SebNZ - +1 for the Focusrites! I think for the money, they're the best interfaces you can get. I have an old Saffire Pro 40 Firewire that I love and fully intend to use until it either breaks down or no computers will support it. I have some KRK near-fields but I would upgrade to ADAMs in a heartbeat if I could justify the purchase right now.

Unfortunately due to my current living circumstances, lack of space & the noise-proximity issues i'm not able to set up a functional production space and it drives me crazy. Once the world is a bit more stable, I will definitely arrange something as it's such an important part of my life and it can't go on like this.

 

[Orbiter]

Day 3 Today

Had a very busy work day today which has taken up much of my time. I have been finding my life-visualisations quite difficult, I can't seem to focus on or imagine anything good today. Some low feelings & frustrations but that's just part of the day 3 blues.

I have found myself slipping a bit on idle computer usage. This means i've used up almost all my computer time today and only have enough to make this journal entry. This may be for the best as I spent a lot of time at work today on a computer and could use the break.

I think my computer/phone time seems to be getting higher in the morning after breakfast. I'm not sure if this is a problem or not but possibly worth noting.

No edging or borderline behaviour so far. I intend to keep this going throughout the rest of the day.

I think I will call my father or a friend or two this evening and go out for a long walk. I feel like getting out of the apartment would do me good.

Hope you are all doing well.

 

[Orbiter]

Day 4 Today

Went over my limit of computer time yesterday looking up some videos on music gear tutorials. Not a huge deal in itself but it is still crossing the boundaries that I set myself for this week and I am suspicious of unconscious motivations for this. Therefore there's less computer time today/tonight so before I log off for the eve I will update to say I am doing well and staying on track.

Focusing on low energy social activities (even if it's just a phone call), regular walking & exercise, working on music & creative projects without using the computer and the general reduction in screen time seems to be helping. I feel ever so slightly more present in my life and that is a benefit in itself. P urges are not existent and I am currently feeling calm but staying very vigilant.

Wishing you all well today with your journey & recovery.

 

[Orbiter]

Day 5 today

Still going strong so far. Today almost felt like groundhog day in that my plans for today fell through once again as they did the same day last week. Instead of hanging out idly then inevitably relapsing shortly after, I made a spur-of-the-moment decision to take a day drive out of the city and spend some time in the country, stopping off to explore a few towns & places along the way. An added bonus was it got me out of the apartment & away from the computer for the whole day.

Some slight borderline behaviours with looking at women plus some idle glancing at windows when I was stopped at traffic lights on the way back. I felt like I pulled myself out of the behaviours quickly but it's still a secondary habit I would very much like to stop. Other than that, there has been no thoughts or cravings of P so far. Feeling good but staying vigilant, it's early days yet.

Wishing you all well.

 

[Phineas 808]

Good going, Orbiter!

Excellent idea just getting away and changing it up!

 

[Orbiter]

Thanks Phineas!

It's Day 6 and it's far too late to be online but, while I let myself down on the limit internet goal, I am still clean and going strong into tomorrow.

Wishing you all well in your days today.

 

[Orbiter]

It's nearing the end of day 7 today and I'm less than two hours away from finishing my 7 day challenge. I will provide a more detailed summary tomorrow.

Woohoo!

 

[Orbiter]

Thank you all for your continued insights & support. Unfortunately it's day 1 yet again. I relapsed both yesterday & the day before, making it three days in a row.

So...

As going a few days much less 30 is a struggle, i'm breaking things even further down and i'm modifying the 30 day challenge to a 7 Day Plan. I have structured this plan based on a combination of the plan Imsor suggested and the "Back 2 Basics" 7 Day Plan the Dobbers outlines in this fantastic episode of his podcast. https://recoveredman.com/107-back-2-basics-the-7-day-porn-free-plan/

As today is day 8, it is safe to say the 7 day challenge has been a success and I am currently PMO-free the longest I have been since early-mid January.

I took a couple of hours yesterday to note down the weekly writing prompts. A list of cues/triggers/habits, alternative habits to replace them and a timetable/game plan tackling the challenges of each individual day of the week.

I have been highly conscious of any cues/triggers, borderline or 'edging' behaviour this week. Also, due to the plan I put together, I was able to anticipate rather than react to many of the challenges I would face. So far this has worked well. Monitoring these behaviours & taking them serious has so far prevented them from becoming relapses and I feel I am slowly getting them under control.

Not including work, I am giving myself 2 hours of computer time a day that I can use to check emails, post in my journal and anything else I need. In it's place I have books to read, music to make, stuff to get done around the house, walks & exercise to do, life to visualise & plan for and friends to catch up with over the phone. The weekend has a list of enjoyable activities I have listed to keep me busy & prevent me from spending excessive amounts of idle time in front of a laptop or phone for no reason. I have become too reliant on computers & phones to relax & unwind. I need to find other ways to do this as I can't trust myself with idle time on a computer right now.

Although in the last couple of days I accessed the internet for more than my allotted 2 hours, I was at my fathers for two days, did not use a computer at all and only checked things on my phone (most of the time) in the same room as him. Though I could've done better at this, it drastically reduced the amount of time I was on a computer this week. As a result, I have been exercising most days, calling people & being social, doing things outside my usual comfort zone and being generally more creative & productive.

Still work to be done but a considerable improvement I think.

There will be no alcohol this week. I plan to be in bed at 11pm and out of bed as soon as i'm awake.

Apart from two beers a friend bought me at a rock show yesterday, I have abstained from drinking all week. This has given me more energy and helped me maintain focus & self-discipline throughout the week.

The window to my bedroom goes out to the apartment complex. I will leave the blinds open so I am visible whenever a computer or phone is in the room (for work mainly). I'm optimistic this will limit the amount of 'unaccountable time' I have in the week.

I feel like this worked well. I will continue to do this for the immediate future I think.

I plan to post in the journal daily this week. I've got some books on recovery & addiction as well as things relating to some other life goals (getting financial situation sorted etc.) and i'm going to try and do at least something recovery-related at least once a day even if it's just posting here.

This also worked well. I listened to podcasts, worked on my budgeting strategies, visualised most days (though it was surprisingly hard after the first few) & journalled daily. Though I have admittedly neglected the journals of others, I am consciously trying to limit my time on computers at the moment, which can slowly change once I am in a more stable place. Apologies to those who continue to show me so much support in this process, I will return the favour more actively in future.

If I Suceed - I'm going to reward myself by throwing a BBQ with either my father and/or whichever friends I can rope into joining me. Failing that i'll go to a park or beach and do it on my own. This is as long as state lock-down laws will permit this by then, which they may not. Otherwise I will use the money I would spend on that to reward myself with a cheap-ish piece of music gear. Possibly a second-hand FX pedal of some variety.

If I Fail - No laptop outside of work AT ALL for 4 days.

For once this year, everything actually went according to plan. The BBQ went well & it was good to spend some quality time with dad. The trip away on Friday was also good, I will keep this in mind for future days with enough idle time.

This probably all sounds super-serious and way too similar to stressing/white-knuckling, which I have considered. However this is only for 7 days as a 'circuit breaker' to snap me out of what's happening at the moment.

At least right now, I need to make recovery my main priority and take this seriously.

I found, although I took recovery ultra-seriously the previous week, because I was proactively engaged in other activities, I was actually more involved in my life & living more to my vision of life than I had done in some time. It honestly did not feel like white-knuckling because I was channeling the time & nervous quitting energy into other things.

I also feel like there are borderline behaviours & minor slip ups that, while I will not fret or obsess over, could be improved.

Therefore I have decided to do this crazy challenge AGAIN and will start the "Week 2 7 Day Challenge" which begins today. I have modified my plan to take into account some extra social commitments & a different structured week.

If I succeed, I will reward myself with a nice dinner at a favourite restaurant or a day trip out to another country town. I was thinking maybe the beach but it might be better to wait until I am more stable in my recovery.

If I fail, the same penalty as last time will apply. This will give the added bonus of a hard 4 day reset with no computer time to get in the way.

Here we go again.

 

[Phineas 808]

Awesome job, Orbit! You hit your goal, and rewarded yourself!

You can do it another 7, and succeed!

 

[Orbiter]

Thank you for the continued encouragement & support Phineas. Knowing it helps motivate me to stay strong & vigilant.

It's day 9 today and i'm doing ok.

Was hit with some stronger urges later in the night and early this morning. My mood is starting to drop but I definitely have noticeably more energy, clearer thought plus waking up in the morning is easier. I'm having a somewhat below average week at work so I think that might be clouding my perception of things at the moment but I think overall, things are ok.

I have been gradually getting better at filling some of the time I would normally procrastinate on the computer with reading & creative pursuits. This has been a slow start but i'm doing it the way SebNZ described, just a little bit everyday & making it consistent. I was particularly happy that I managed to get in over an hour of music yesterday after an exhausting day of work.

No exercise yet today so I might quickly do some quickly before I get in touch with a friend this evening.

The temptation of borderline behaviors previously mentioned is stronger at the moment but of course, it's only the short journey leading up to relapse and I need to make sure I frame these behaviours as such...with the appropriate self-compassion of course.

Stay strong everyone! Wishing you all well.

 

[Orbiter]

Day 10 today

For accountabilities sake, I should update that I had a close call yesterday night. I decided to have a look at a 'Youtube alternative' style site that a work colleague recommended to me yesterday and it turned out there were some unexpected thumbnails of P material on the second page of the site. I closed the site quickly, took some deep breaths, relaxed & let the urge pass. This was all fine and I forgot about it until later in the night when, coming back from a friends place I remember an old forum I used to visit to download P videos. I knew it didn't exist anymore but was hit by this huge curiosity whether it was on the Wayback Machine. As soon as it came up, I covered the screen with my hand and closed it up.

Obviously this was teetering far too close to the edge and I broke my rule of looking at a device late at night with closed blinds. Thankfully I stopped myself in time (this time) but i'll need to refocus & stay vigilant over the next few days to make sure it doesn't sneak up again. One thing I might add was once I stopped, the usual obsessive thoughts were much weaker which I feel is a positive considering the sensitive point in this streak that i'm at.

Back on track today though. Lots of dull urges in the morning but they were easy to manage.

Wishing you all well.