Orbiters Journal of Recovery

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Quickly posting today just for a check in. I have meaning to earlier sooner but I have been struggling to think of anything to say or report. I am finding that the continuing lock down in my city (longest in the world as of this month apparently) plus trying to avoid the dangers presented by many giving up on it at a particularly bad time has left me extremely isolated. Apart from two visits to see my father, I haven't had any in person contact with another human being since September. By the looks of things, this isn't going to get any better for some time.

I have been keeping myself occupied with all the usual activities i.e exercise, music, solitary walks, phone chats and all but I am finding it difficult. Nothing that can be done at this stage but I had to at least get it off my chest somewhere to someone.

I believe after my last post, I did PMO once and two days later I caught myself looking at P. I stopped and didn't peek again but did eventually MO to sensation shortly after. My erection was sluggish, taking minutes but once I did, was much harder than I have been when PMOing in a while.

None of this is ideal or healthy at this point though. I have been clean since though and have ramped up both my meditation time as well resuming the daily exercise. The purpose & clarity both brings have been helpful this week.

Also I haven't used the dating apps in awhile but am still talking over the phone to two of the women I met in September.

Hope you are all well.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
OCTOBER REVIEW - WEEK 3 (Beginning)
Today is DAY 5 in my current streak.
PMO
P
M
O
7
2
1
0

Time for the main weekly check in. I seem to have mixed up my start/end of week as it's only mid October so I shall count this weekly report and the next as the beginning & end of one week.

I feel like i've been getting some momentum back since the big cave in last week/weekend. I have not PMOed for a week now. As I was saying in a previous post, I caught myself last Sunday peeking at escort sites. As i'm not using them for any reason other than the pictures & video clips, I count this as P and an immediate reset (no excuses). I did MO later to sensation which for me is much better than PMO but, as I said in the last post, this is not where I want to be and needs to be counted as part of that reset.

Nothing much has happened since the last post. I have been dealing with building some sensible boundaries with a work colleague who I have had some issues with. I am also making distance from someone who I considered a kind of casual friend I now see as a toxic influence in my life and someone I no longer wish to be around. Setting boundaries and the feeling of being used/controlled by other people is an emotional bad cue for me that hits some very deep insecurities. I went through some of this with my psychologist which seems to have helped somewhat.

Other than that, it's still the same old day, same old lock down etc. Keeping up my exercise, meditation, music & good habits. Though it feels like a flame in the wind at the moment, I feel some of my motivation starting to return from the last relapse.

Wishing you all well in your journeys today.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Got overwhelmed & complacent with an urge and PMOed again. Feeling deflated but know the quicker I pull myself up from this feeling, the better I will be for it. There's a few hours left in today, i'm going to restart and see if I can make something of the rest of the day.
 
Hey Orbiter,

Don't get too down on yourself. You are doing great. We all have setbacks. It's part of the journey we all must take.

Reevaluate where you went wrong, look at building better strategies so you don't make the same mistake twice, and refocus so you can beat this crappy addiction that is really harmful to your metal well-being and life.

You can do it, bro.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Thank you Phineas, Escape & Force! The patience & persistent support you continue to show in my journey means a lot to me. It gives me strength.

OCTOBER REVIEW - WEEK 3 (End)
Today is DAY 5 in my current streak.
PMO
P
M
O
9
2
1
0

It's time once again for the weekly check in. When I last PMOed, I did so again later that day so I need to add 2 in total to the October PMO count. Since then I have been squeaky clean. No acting up since. I had a mild urge last night which was easy to dismiss.

It hasn't been a great month for PMO obviously but this does not mean i'm going to give up or give in.

I have been making some significant changes in my lifestyle and mindset over the last couple of weeks. I have been reflecting on my ability to handle problems, setbacks & challenges in life and i'm trying to change my mindset to adapt to challenges and solve problems rather than become dispirited & upset. Like an urge - be neutral, non-judgemental and focused on finding solutions.

In short, finding ways to become more accountable and perhaps even, to quote an Escape phrase "Embrace the suck!"

To this end, I have been using the exercise, diet & meditation as a springboard to look beyond goals and build some better habits of living. A big game changer in this is my mornings. Originally meant as an idea in preparation for when I will have return to work on site, I have been getting up an hour earlier at a set time every morning (including days off) to do my exercise & mediation...every day, without fail. I have done this for every morning of this week and plan to continue to do this until it becomes habit.

The power of this habit is it makes me accountable for everything I do during the previous day & evening. PMOed yesterday? Stayed up too late on the devices? Skipped eating? Skipped exercising? MOed? Edged? Well i'm gonna pay for it tomorrow morning if I did.

The added benefit is i'm waking up properly. Particularly on the weekends, I have been finding myself staying in bed or on the couch until the late morning or so before I shower or eat. The mixture of computer, exhaustion & 'letting go' means I often PMO in these situations. If I don't PMO on workdays (which I almost never do) perhaps I need to take some lessons from how I manage a work day and apply them to the weekends. Being up, fresh, on-time and tackling every day with a sens of purpose, no matter how low the stakes, needs to be a bigger part of this.

I have also been using this time in the morning to mentally prepare myself for work so I don't become overwhelmed or distressed when I am working and face difficult situations with my clients, something that is a daily occurrence. PMO is a habit that is usually the tail end of a stream of thoughts & self talk that leads me to feeling tired, hopeless & overwhelmed with no option but to give in. PMO is both an escape from undesirable feelings and a 'reward' from dealing with them. The idea of escaping problems as well as feelings of entitlement to being 'rewarded' for doing anything that's somewhat difficult are things I need to address.

Now I know some people who have followed this journal are probably thinking 'oh great another round of over-ambitious ideas from Orbiter that he won't sustain beyond a week' but this is different. The activity is not the primary goal nor is there actually any concrete goal to succeed or fail by. The activity is changing the way I deal with problems so I don't need to resort to PMO. To this end I need to be accountable to myself which means getting up, getting ready and doing whatever it is in this life I have to do.

Wishing you all well in your journeys today.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Now I know some people who have followed this journal are probably thinking 'oh great another round of over-ambitious ideas from Orbiter that he won't sustain beyond a week' but this is different.

I, for one, was actually thinking the opposite, lol...!

I was thinking how great it is the approaches you're taking, as they're addressing the habits that surround your [unwanted] habits.

It's great, meditating no matter what... though it could serve as 'negative reinforcement' if done after acting out... I would say to be compassionate to yourself in the event of a 'late night' struggle. Your overall mental and physical health is important. Though as a day-after-day rule, getting up early, is good. For certain, if you weren't keeping to schedule, that'd be an indicator that you're acting out.

Example: for me, I generally don't take my phone into the bathroom in the middle of the night. If I do so, I'd better have a purposeful and mindful reason to do it. If I bring it into the bathroom for some 'other' reason, I'm likely acting out to p-subs, or something worse.

I think your approach here is genius, and can help you change the unwanted habits.

Wishing you strength and perseverance.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
I, for one, was actually thinking the opposite, lol...!

I was thinking how great it is the approaches you're taking, as they're addressing the habits that surround your [unwanted] habits.

It's great, meditating no matter what... though it could serve as 'negative reinforcement' if done after acting out... I would say to be compassionate to yourself in the event of a 'late night' struggle. Your overall mental and physical health is important. Though as a day-after-day rule, getting up early, is good. For certain, if you weren't keeping to schedule, that'd be an indicator that you're acting out.

Example: for me, I generally don't take my phone into the bathroom in the middle of the night. If I do so, I'd better have a purposeful and mindful reason to do it. If I bring it into the bathroom for some 'other' reason, I'm likely acting out to p-subs, or something worse.

I think your approach here is genius, and can help you change the unwanted habits.

Wishing you strength and perseverance.

Thanks Phineas. You make a very good point to be wary of how 'meditation' could turn into 'rumination' and negatively reinforce a downward spiral in the making. Meditation, like routine, I think can also act as the proverbial 'canary in a cage' in that it can highlight acting out, potential physical & mental states that could lead to acting out and emotional well-being. I'm going to stick with this, I think this could be a game-changer, or at least something that could be the start of a game changer.

Quick update. I did lapse the day after my last post. I woke up in the morning quite fatigued from the week and not enough sleep the night before. 2 more PMOs.

I think the lazy, addict, instant gratification part of my brain was fighting back against what i've been putting it through. True to my word though, I got back up on to my routine. It was a struggle for the first two days but after that, the energy & focus I had previous to the lapses returned.

I peeked at an escort site again today for some reason. It was only for a bit and I barely saw any nudity but it's basically a P lapse so I am staying accountable and resetting. This behaviour is not that of someone I want to be and therefore I can't discard this.

There's a bit on my mind with the easing of restrictions and old habits are setting in. I have to remember in these moments I have what could potentially be a new lifestyle and a plethora of new coping mechanisms that actually make things better in these times. Old habits die hard.

Wishing you all well this week.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
OCTOBER REVIEW - WEEK 4 (End)
Today is DAY 3 in my current streak.
PMO
P
M
O
11
3
1
0

Little to report since my last post. No urges since the peek on Tuesday and no PMO or p-sub behaviour. I am finding my body is adjusting to the new routine quite well and I am waking up without the alarm clock. The extra time & focus in the day means i'm getting far more out of the day and gives even a day off a sense of purpose that I have been lacking in the past. The hard work is paying off!

Of course the real test is the weekend once the working week is over and I have all that extra time alone. Accountability & purpose is the key here I think and I will endeavor to continue to hold myself to this over the coming weekend.

Wishing you all well in your journeys today.
 
Last edited:

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
NOVEMBER - WEEK 1
Today is DAY 4 in my current streak.
PMO
P
M
O
1
0
0
0

One PMO on the 1st of November :/

So looking back in hindsight, October wasn't the best month for PMO. I attribute much of this to the stress of lock down, some difficult challenges with friends & colleages over this time and being isolated in my apartment on my own. Things are now re-opening which is great but also has it's own issues. I will return to working with a challenging client at work and I expect it's going to be tough month ahead. There are plenty of problems to be solved that have been waiting for me on the other side of this. The urge to self-medicate is real I am not going to lie.

In saying that, this is something i've anticipated and I believe sticking to my new routine coupled with some important mindset changes will hopefully mean I will manage these anxieties this time around. Things have been going well and i've made some tentative steps in reaching out to friends again. I haven't pursued anything dating related but it is an option, it is there and I can return to it once things have somewhat settled and I am good & ready.

Wishing you all well in your journeys today.
 
Last edited:

Phineas 808

Respected Member
I feel you for wanting to self-medicate. It's an escapism where we don't have to face uncomfortable feelings and situations. But to turn this around (plot twist!), we will be stronger individuals if we can face these life-challenges fully present, without escapism.

Wishing you well, Orbiter, and a successful November...!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
There are plenty of problems to be solved that have been waiting for me on the other side of this. The urge to self-medicate is real I am not going to lie.
I've been a slave to self-medication my whole life, man. :( It wasn't until I attempted to quit my addictions that I realized I didn't have any damn coping skills. Lately, I've been kinda stressed out and uncertain about my future and the urge to self-medication got through the roof.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
NOVEMBER - WEEK 2
Today is DAY 1 in my current streak.
PMO
P
M
O
3
0
0
0

I think my anxieties over work might have been somewhat overstated in my mind over the last week. It has had it's challenges but I think the new morning routine has helped enormously and has been in many respects...well, kind of life changing. I am honestly getting close to being in the best physical shape I have been in my entire life and I have been much productive & focused in my work and my various projects.

I think the greatest benefit of this is that, because i've exercised and worked on my personal goals before it's even time to think about getting ready for work, it doesn't matter anymore what work & life throw at me during the day or what dramas may arise. I can now go to bed or even just relax and the end of the day knowing that I achieved something, did something worthwhile for my life and I cannot state enough how big the psychological impact of that has.

So that's the good stuff, now over to the not-so-good-stuff.

Despite all these positive changes, I am still finding myself PMOing once or twice a week. I've PMOed twice since my last post. Alcohol played a hand in both. Since the restrictions have been easing, people who I haven't seen in person in a long time have been wanting to catch up which is obviously a great thing. The challenge is the activity often involves alcohol at somewhere and, while i'm not binge-drinking myself blind like I used to, even a medium amount is enough to lower my inhibitions enough for that part of my brain that says "Fuck it Orbiter, just do it! You can always start again tomorrow right?" to get behind the wheels and start driving.

So I need to think about what further steps I need to make in regards to stop this PMO. Do I focus first & foremost on urge control? Do I address potential triggers? Life changes? It frustrates me that after everything, I am committing again & again to this only to say six days later "Fuck it Orbiter, just do it! You can always start again tomorrow right?". I feel like i've tried every strategy going round at least once over the years.

Perhaps I should be more single-mindedly prioritising the challenge of PMO but I feel like that in itself is unsustainable. Life doesn't wait for us to get to 90 days or whatever before throwing other challenges at us that we have to face right? I know mine doesn't. There will always be things to address in life other than beating this addiction. These things can often play into PMO as the faulty coping mechanism it is.

Perhaps i'm just overthinking it and need to just keep going? I don't know.

What do you guys think?
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Alcohol makes me PMO too, binge PMO in fact, and I'm addicted to alcohol, I've been trying to quit but I haven't been too successful. It pisses me off when promising beginnings are killed by a session of getting drunk. The way I see this porn addiction thing: It's psychological. After failing over and over, this is the conclusion that I've come to, that if I sort out what's up here in the head, I have a chance to quit. I do a good job to avoid visual triggers, I never relapse after seeing something but my mind is what kills me. It's like a guy there that wants to take me down, that doesn't care what happens to me, that doesn't care to help me succeed. That's what I need to sort out. Figuring this shit out is not easy. Maybe that's why people go to therapy and maybe I should too. I've always said to myself: "Bro, all you need is to get those 90 days first and you should feel great, everything else will come after" but it's easier said than done when all you can do is 12 days and then binge. I feel that I will not have any chance without sorting my mind out. That's what I'm saying: Find exactly what keeps you from escaping this porn addiction, get to the absolute deep root of the problem. I mean, try to, I know it's not easy, maybe it is in your case, I know in my case it's not.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
So I need to think about what further steps I need to make in regards to stop this PMO. Do I focus first & foremost on urge control? Do I address potential triggers? Life changes? It frustrates me that after everything, I am committing again & again to this only to say six days later "Fuck it Orbiter, just do it! You can always start again tomorrow right?". I feel like i've tried every strategy going round at least once over the years.

Perhaps I should be more single-mindedly prioritising the challenge of PMO but I feel like that in itself is unsustainable. Life doesn't wait for us to get to 90 days or whatever before throwing other challenges at us that we have to face right? I know mine doesn't. There will always be things to address in life other than beating this addiction. These things can often play into PMO as the faulty coping mechanism it is.

Perhaps i'm just overthinking it and need to just keep going? I don't know.

What do you guys think?

Hi, Orbiter. I think we have no choice but to prioritize it, otherwise we'll be some what resigned to it, surrendered to it as our fate...

You deserve better for yourself, and these habits have hijacked the reward circuitry of your brain, and if we want to truly enjoy life, we have to slay this dragon.

That being said, though we're to prioritize our recovery, it doesn't mean that we obsess over it, or white-knuckle our way through life. That's no way to live either.

'Set it and forget it' is a motto I tell myself.

The difference between white-knuckling and the 'porn is not an option' mindset is that we needn't view it as a challenge. Make up your mind (daily), and then deal with urges and/or triggers as they come up.

'Urge control' shouldn't even be in your vocabulary (if I may say). Urge-dismissal is a far better way to approach this. Urge control is the false illusion that you can control this thing, but we should neither fight nor feed these urges. To do so only strengthens the neural pathways, and the habit itself.

If we can identify the triggers (what I call cues), and just be aware of them- or, if we can change surrounding unwise habits that don't serve toward our recovery, than we should address those. But for different aspects of my addiction over the years, I've seen that the cues have changed for me by themselves, the longer I dismissed urges to do this or that. And some times cues can actually help you. For example, when I used to avoid our main street 'Central', I only strengthened the urges to cruise for prostitues (back in 1993-94). But when I changed this, and didn't avoid Central, it gave me power to say 'No' to that unwanted behavior to pick up or consort with prostitutes. Same with avoiding driving by porno-book stores, when I no longer gave it so much power (by avoidance), I found out I had power to never visit those places again (back in 2003).

So we can change our habits, not necessarily by avoiding triggers, but being smart- we don't set ourselves up for a fall, but neither do we give so much power to external stimuli.

For urges, they will come, oftentimes in waves. Be mindful, non-judgmental, and breathe through them until they dissipate on their own. Rinse-and-repeat. You will find that the more you do this, the more you win over these habits.

Consistency and repeatability has worked against us in our unwanted habits, lets make it work for us in undoing them.
 
Last edited:

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Escape - Relate, relate, relate. I think I need to seriously consider a break from alcohol if this continues. I PMOed again twice today and, needless to say, I was also sleep deprived & hungover.

Phineas - What can I say but fantastic post. I'll be honest that the prospect of doing this over the next month or so is intimidating but I really need to do it this time. No more excuses.


DAY 0

Due to the frequency of my relapses. I've decided to return to daily posting for the next week starting today. Though they probably won't be particularly detailed. I need stop wasting time and start taking this seriously again and to do so I need accountability.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Escape - Relate, relate, relate. I think I need to seriously consider a break from alcohol if this continues. I PMOed again twice today and, needless to say, I was also sleep deprived & hungover.

Phineas - What can I say but fantastic post. I'll be honest that the prospect of doing this over the next month or so is intimidating but I really need to do it this time. No more excuses.


DAY 0

Due to the frequency of my relapses. I've decided to return to daily posting for the next week starting today. Though they probably won't be particularly detailed. I need stop wasting time and start taking this seriously again and to do so I need accountability.
We need to step on the pedal, man. We need to reevaluate what the fuck is going on and tweak things.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
You're right on the money there Escape. I need to step back and objectively look at the bigger picture, figure out why this is happening & reassess what it is i'm trying achieve here.


DAY 2

Missed yesterdays post as I was quite tired from work and thought it best to get an early nights sleep. Was squeaky clean yesterday and have every intention of continuing this today. Really feeling the PMO lapses recently but I suppose a positive of this is that this feeling is an exception to the rule rather than otherwise.

Wishing you all well. I'll be back to post again soon.
 
Top