My Story and The Beginning

[js2004]

Bedtime Thoughts - Day 25

Still PM free.  Feeling much better after vacation and glad to be sleeping in my own bed.  I do believe though that some of my struggles stemmed from not having an O in almost 2.5 weeks.  The SO and I engagaed in some love making and needless to say PM hasn't been on my mind all day. In fact I fell much more calm than I have in a few days with no desire for P or M.  Thanks for reading.

 

[js2004]

Morning Thoughts - Day 26

Home alone today for an extended holiday.  No urges at this point, but it will be a long day.  I need to keep busy and to be honest stay off my ipad.  I should probably start exercising to as my weight has crept up since I stated my first reboot back in October 2016.  My emotions are pretty much in check today and I feel good, better than I have in a long time.  I have come to the conclusion though that I have never dealt with my feelings and self esteem issues.  ironic because I am an overachiever and always have been.  But yet I truly do have a skewed self image.  What I portray on the outside typically does not match what I am feeling.  I have always found something to channel my emotions into something, sometimes constructive and sometime not so much.  I need to take the time to feel what i am feeling and learn how to deal with it, learn from it, and ultimately move on from it.  Anyways, thanks for reading.       

 

[js2004]

Lunchtime Thoughts - Day 25

Still successful. No thoughts of PM all day so far. I was taking a break from all the other crap I was doing and thought I would check in. I've noticed there is very little activity on here. Oh well. I find coming here therapeutic. It helps to keep me off P so I guess that's good.  Thanks for reading.

 

[js2004]

Late Morning Thoughts - Day 26

Still PM free but this morning was a real struggle. Had a tiff with my son last night that took my stress level up and has taken my all night and morning to come down. Still not there yet but well enough to know that I need to deal with this and stay away from P&M.  Thanks for reading.

 

[js2004]

Bedtime Thoughts - Day 26

Still not really feeling right but smart enough to know not to look at P.  Feeling a little disconnected from my family.  Not sure why, a sense of not belonging, like I'm not really a part of the family.  Weird and really not sure why, I think sometimes I let my imagination get the better of me.  Part of the addiction I guess. At least I have another day under my belt.  Thanks for reading.

 

[js2004]

Mid Morning Thoughts - Day 26

Not really much going on mentally today. No real thoughts or PM. I did have to watch my eyes though this morning as they are some very nicely dressed females in the office today. Just need to remember the first look is on God and the rest is on me. I just don't need my imagination running wild today. Need to stay focused on what's important and remember that PM lead me down a bad path and not one that I want to be on anymore. Thanks for reading.

 

[js2004]

Evening Thoughts - Day 27

Stress is a killer for me and I'm feeling it right now. Parenthood is definitely the hardest thing I've ever done or will ever have to do.  It's like walking through the darkest tunnel where it is totally pitch black and you don't have a flashlight.  A total shot in the dark.  Still free of PM so that's good but need to stay focused on what's important, my SO and my kids.  Everything else is just a distraction.  So many of the posts on this forum are concerned with ED and performance.  I just want to make it through the day without losing my family, F the other stuff.  I'm not knocking the Reboot because I needed it, but man my SO and kids are far more important than how my manhood is working.  As for my performance, WTF, I'm in my forties, whether I looked at P all my life or not, my body just isn't the same.  My hips hurt, my knees are stiff and my right foot kills when I go for a run.  I'm just not the same person physically and the fact the my performance lasts for half the time it used to is a simple part of life.  Anyways that's my rant, thanks for reading.

 

[js2004]

Morning Thoughts - Day 28

Feeling bla, tough nite with the kids and fam but still staying away from P. Need to make sure I keep my spirits up and focus on the positives in my life instead of the negatives.  Not that I am totally depressed, I just need to keep things positive and not dwell on the things I can't change.

 

[Strike a true path]

keep going js! you are doing really well in tough and stressful times. Your partner and family obviously mean the world to you. How do you manage the stress I wonder? Do you have ways to unwind, healthy things to enjoy? I'm not a father, but I can imagine just how stressful it could be at times with all the pressure and demands on your time and energy -willingly given but still taking its toll. Time out is a must, I would think.
I can relate to the aching body, I had a foot problem 'plantar fasciitis' which stopped me walking any real distance for over a year -this after doing 10miles+ in the countryside a couple of times a week -and I have early onset arthritis in wrists so no cycling either. Swimming is ok to do though -I think we have to adapt the exercise to what we can and cant do.

 

[js2004]

Strikeatruepath - thanks for the feedback. I am gearing up for my first 5k on Monday so I am hoping the training becomes a good outlet for me. Since I started my first reboot back in Oct of 2016 I have put on about 20lbs of extra weight and frankly it is just damn time for me to get rid of it.  Raising kids is extremely stressful but I have to deal with it and P&M can't can't be an option anymore.

Day 30 free of the stuff today so feeling really good about things and where I am at right now. Thanks for reading.

 

[Strike a true path]

Good to hear you are feeling so positive now the porn is 30 days behind you. seems the highs and lows can be intense and frequent in the early days (that's my experience at least)

My exercise is 30+ mins of brisk walking these days, at a rate fast enough to be just getting out of breath. May not seem like much but it does the job for me and makes me feel good. I'm hoping to do some long, whole day walks again soon. For the last couple of weeks I have been on a diet where I avoid sugar and alcohol completely and eat very little fat. Ive been losing weight and feeling light and healthy and energetic. Also more clear headed.

My ways of relaxing are walking, meditation, drawing and painting, and playing musical instruments. As well as working off stress by exercising I find its good to have something I enjoy which engages me so much that I lose myself in it.

Good luck with the 5K tomorrow then, js!

 

[MonkeyShark]

Great going js, sounds like you're working it, that's great. I think exercise helps, but I've found personally it can make me feel horny after sometime, which makes sense. Maybe it's the same or different for you, just awareness is key. I think you've got that in hand.

Yes, I can imagine how you'd feel being rejected, that's tough and I know it hurts.

Keep it up, you've got some great insights.

 

[js2004]

Afternoon Thoughts - Day 32

Thanks for the support.  Yesterday was a pretty good day as I spent some much needed time alone with the SO at a great dinner. Still P&M free today and plan on staying that way.  Keeping myself focused on what's important and enjoying the nice weather.  Thanks for reading.

 

[js2004]

Afternoon Thoughts - Day 33

Good day today. I feel good, got up and walked/ran, basically began training for a 5k on Thanksgiving morning. My entire body aches, but oh well. Anything to help deal with my emotions and keep me P&M free is a good thing. Trying to make sure I am checking in here daily and posting anything, no matter what it is.  Anyways, thanks for reading. 

 

[js2004]

Lunchtime Thoughts - Day 34

Overall a good day. Was on an SA call this morning that was an eye opener for me, lots of good sharing and I could really relate to a few of the folks on the call. Made me realize that we are all going through some of the very same things when it comes to this disease.  I'm grateful for an SO that is supportive and has faith in me. Many of us are not as fortunate and famlies/lives have been ruined.  I am still P&M free and plan to stay that way for the rest of the day    Thanks for reading.

 

[js2004]

Bedtime Thoughts - 34

I'm beat and my legs are sore. Still P&M free and plan on staying that way for the remainder of the day. Taking the day off form running and jumping on the bike tomorrow. Exercising again is definitely helping me deal with stress. So glad to be focused on my health again. Anyways I'm beat and heading to bed.

 

[TakeActionNow]

JS,
you are very positive, disciplined and determined.
I really like that you keep yourself in check by checking in a few times a day.
And always ending off with thanks for reading, that's really gracious.

You've set a good example.
Thanks for showing the way.

 

[js2004]

Afternoon Thoughts - Day 35

Thanks Takeactionnow.  Coming here and posting whatever is on my mind is very therapeutic for me. It helps keep me in check.  The other thing is finding something constructive to focus/work towards. 

Not much else going on, busy at work and it's hot as hell out right now. Otherwise still P&M free and planning on staying that way the rest of the day.  Thanks for reading.

 

[js2004]

Morning Thoughts - Day 37

I feel like my libido is gone. Not really sure why but not really dwelling on it for right now. Not interested in P&M or sex with my SO. Finally lost some weight so I feel good about that.  Had a good session with the therapist yesterday and have some thinking to do and then some opening up with the SO. All good stuff though.

Been reading through some of these forums again and just blown away by the effects of P and how people are dealing with it. I can tell you for myself the most important thing in my reboot/recovery is my family. I love them to much to end up in divorce. I absolutely must stay clear of P. I can't allow this garbage to ruin my life.  Way to many things to look forward to.  Im not worrying about my performance and what not. I'm just trying to make sure I have a family to come home to every night.

Sorry for the rant, I just need to remind myself what's important and what is at stake. Thanks for reading.

 

[js2004]

Evening Thoughts - Day 37

Not much going on, sitting here reading the forum grateful it is Friday. Long week from a work standpoint. No real temptations this week.  Had to watch my wondering eye, though for the most part even that was at a minimum.  Getting up tomorrow and riding my bike to get some weekend exercise. Other than that not much else to say. Thanks for reading.