My Story and The Beginning

[TakeActionNow]

This is really great !

So much wonderful and healthy activities to look forward to !

I remember doing some repair works earlier and i was still admiring them after a few days.
It feels so good to accomplish things that benefits everyone !

Keep planning more wonderful things with your family like painting or camping in the yard !

 

[js2004]

Early Evening Thoughts - Day 52

Thanks TAN. I actually got about half of the bricks put in tonight.  It was really fing hot though and I had to stop.  Just sitting here relaxing now feeling a sense of accomplishment.  Not much else to say.  Maybe more later.  Thanks for reading.

 

[js2004]

Bedtime Thoughts - Day 52

Pretty good night with little to no urges.  Home alone and no temptations or plans to use P&M. In fact I'm beat after the yard work so I don't think my body could handle it anyways. I think I might scroll through some other entries and call it a night. Lots to learn from reading the boards.  Thanks for reading.

 

[js2004]

Early Morning Thoughts - Day 53

Can't sleep and P has popped in my head so here I am surfing, reading stories about PIED to motivate myself. Not that I'm concerned about using P, but I needed something to take my mind off it and reinforce the progress I've made so far. Feeling to good about where I'm at to blow it now. Besides, my attitude about all of it is much different this time around. Not only is it about fighting through the urges, but it is also about changing yourself spiritually.  Just my thoughts. Thanks for reading.

 

[js2004]

Afternoon Thoughts - Day 53

It's been a little difficult keeping my eyes to myself today. At the airport earlier and now downtown Chicago. Let's of scantily clad women around. Thank good I'm on my way home. Traffic is awful this time of day which makes the ride back to the airport so much worse. Oh well. Still free of P&M. Thanks for reading.

 

[js2004]

Evening Thoughts - Day 53

It's been along day and I found myself slipping into some hardcore fantasy land while in the airport. Was surfing social media a bit and had to get up and double time it around the terminal. Still P&M free but really struggling right now. Thankfully I'm on an airplane for the next two hours so I'm certain that will calm me down a bit.

 

[js2004]

Late Evening Thoughts - Day 53

Supper stronge urges, it's taking all I have not to P&M. Thought about just M but doesn't feel right I know I will feel guilty if I do and feel shame. I don't want hose feelings in my life anymore. I know there is some much to lose if I let the urges win.  I need to stay focused on what's at stake instead of time spent with P&M. I'm going to try to go to sleep.  Thanks for reading.

 

[TakeActionNow]

stay strong my friend,

whatever you achieve today will go towards a better tomorrow

have faith in yourself you can do this

 

[js2004]

Early Morning Thoughts - Day 54

Thanks TAN.  By the grace of God I made it through the night without P&M. Being in the airport all day really messed me up.  I definitely need to come up with a strategy next time I'm in the situation. I let my eyes get the better of me and before I knew it my imagination was running wild as I was suffering FB and then CL. When I got home I was completely alone and paced the house like a wild animal trapped.  I came up with every reason why I should use P&M again and rationalized and justified them as well.  In the end though I think I just tired myself out thinking about it all.  Amazingly I turned off the light and prayed and fell right to sleep and slept straight through the entire night.

 

[js2004]

Lunchtime Thoughts - Day 54

Well I ate like a pig but I needed to lift my spirits and it worked.  Much more calm today. I think I need to process yesterday and come up with a list of things I learned and what I can do differently the next time I find myself in that situation. I'm beating myself up over it and at the end of the day I shouldn't because I'm still P&M free but the fact that I was so close to the edge (so quickly too) is nagging at me. So I need to get some takeaways from it and make sure I have a strategy in place for the next time. Thanks for reading. 

 

[js2004]

Early Evening Thoughts- Day 54

I have been thinking about how close to relapsing I came yesterday and came to the following conclusions:

1) On the car ride to the airport I started thinking about sex and lost myself to fantasy.

2) When I got to the airport, I got caught up women watching while I was eating dinner.  This lead me to P of the mind and I stared fantasizing about whomever walked by.

3) My behavior continued while I was waiting to get on the plane and when I started surfing social media sites.

4) The plane ride was more of the same, I was fantasizing about sex (P of the mind).

5) By the time I got home I was so keyed up I was ready to M.

All that really prevented me from P&M was coming home and reminding myself of the guilt and shame that I would have felt. I think the biggest thing I learned is that I need to remember that P of the mind is just as powerful as real P and that I cannot control it once it gets into my head. I need to avoid that type of thinking at all cost because even the slightest bit of self imagination about sex is enough to send me down the path of P&M.  Anyways, thanks for reading.

 

[js2004]

Early Morning Thoughts - Day 55

Wide awake but starting to feel better.  No desire for PMO.  In fact I think my libido is waining again which is perfectly okay with me.  I'm wondering if I need to check out of here for a bit. Been on here a lot lately and part of me thinks it's holding me back a bit. I think about all of this way to much.  It dominates all aspects of my life.  I realize my addiction is going to do that but on some level I think I need to step back and let it all sink in.

 

[js2004]

Morning Thoughts - Day 60

Day 60 with h no P&M and counting. Feeling good about where I am at. This weekend was good with the wife and kids. Went out to an nice family dinner and then a walk around a small lake. Ended the night with some love with the wife and the chaser effect was nowhere near what it was the last time. In fact it was almost nonexistent. 

I did have some old feelings of guilt and shame crop up this morning but I told myself that life was behind me and not returning today. That's where I'm at on Day 60.  Thanks for reading.

 

[Strike a true path]

Hi js, just been catching up on your posts.

Congrats on breaking the 60 day mark. I see you've been through some really tough times and won through -I find this inspiring.

Couldn't help but notice how much better you felt when you were back spending time with your family, who are your great motivation to stay clean of the porn. Maybe when you get the urges to look at women and fantasise when you are bored/stressed it might be good to phone up your wife or kids and say "Hi?" Or even just text/message as while you do this your mind will be off the P and on what really matters most to you. Just a thought.

I get your urge to check out of here, but if I were you I would wait until you're back on an even keel -when you have some more porn free days under your belt and have won a few more of those battles. Also (more selfishly) I find your posts very helpful as I'm sure others on here do too.

 

[js2004]

Thanks for the feedback STP. You are absolutely right that I need to reach out to lov d ones when I feel the issue coming on and it was something that I didn't do last week.

Anyways, my emotions are a pit in my stomach right now. I had a blow out with my son last night and I'm feeling like shit because of it. I need to be more understanding and less of an ass when it comes to dealing with raising my children.  Being a parent is the fucking hardest thing I have ever done in my life and sometimes I feel like I'm screwing it up.  When I get stressed like this my libido drops to near zero so P&M doesn't even interest my right now. In fact I feel like pigging out but I know that's not a good idea either. So that's where I am at on day 61, thanks for reading.

 

[js2004]

Afternoon Thoughts -Day 61

Feeling like shit. I started to fantasize a bit but knew that wasn't a good idea so I came here to vent. It's funny how life can be a roller coaster ride. Some folks on here have PIED and other physical issues and are really worried about fixing that, I get that and am totally sympathetic, but others here have no physical issues but are plagued with the emotional stress and turmoil that P&M has caused in their lives. 

I feel like I'm trapped somewhere in the middle. Things are awesome with my wife, sex life is good but yet I suck at being a parent to my children because I struggle communicating with them.  I don't want to fail at being a parent and it really is the reason I turned to P&M. The fear of failing at life's greatest challenge scared the living shit out of me.  I think part of me is now only coming to terms with that reality and because I no longer have that escape I have to deal with the issue head-on and I have no clue how to deal with it.

 

[Mediadude20]

First of all I just wanted to say how much I admire your posts JS. You seem to be a very disciplined character and I'm sure you inspire many on here, including me. Thank you for that. I finally got a chance to read through your story and I'm glad you're here on this forum. Don't give up.

You're gonna have shitty days, that's the reality, but what's also true is that this feeling will pass and you'll get through it.

I'm sure you don't suck at being a parent. It's normal to feel like that sometimes. I'm not a parent myself, but I can see it with my own Dad, my Brothers, my Sister, my friends, all of them are parents and they all struggle with feeling bad after shouting at the kids. As my Dad tells me these days, "it nearly drove me insane sometimes"... (haha thanks Dad!)

I don't think parenthood is a win/fail job. You do the best job you can and that's all you can do. You're making positive changes in your life and that can only be good for your family too. I'm not sure how old your kids are but I only began to really appreciate my Dad when I got older & moved out. Your kids will too.

It's good to be aware of your emotional challenges and I suppose this a good place to be in. If you were still trapped in porn, you wouldn't feel this fear, but it would get left undealt with. At least now you can look at this fear, process it, learn from it and come through it even stronger for it.

There is hope in every challenge. Stay strong Bro!

 

[Jimbodel]

It is a tough go hey JS;  sixty days and the demon is still lurking over your shoulder, kind of makes me wonder if I will be able to succeed.  But like a post I read, it isn't stop porn > success it is stop porn > fail >stop porn > fail >stop porn > succeed.  We learn from our failures more than our successes as I learned from mine today.

Keep up the fight bro; if your kids stop talking to you like mine did then you know you are a bad parent...I was an a**hole but I raised my kid the way I was raised which is too bad, and too late now.

 

[TakeActionNow]

JS,
we turn to PMO because we are exceptionally hard on ourselves.
For some reasons, we've never felt good enough, have low self esteem or confidence and consequently do not give ourselves our rightful recognition and acknowledgement of the things we've done.
And so we turn to PMO as a way of redemption.

Little by little we lose touch with our emotional compass, walking blindly even though we have eyes and heart we chose not to use.

The biggest thing about coming out of PMO for me is reconnecting with myself.
I realized its no longer necessary for me to have perfection.
We were doing that because we hope others will recognize us as a result of achieving that.
This goal will never happen.
We only get recognition when we recognize ourselves.

Failing is natural. It happens all the time. So why should we fear it? It is the irreplaceable and essential education we need to make ourselves better.

Instead, now i try to reconnect with myself through love.
Love of myself, love of the people around me and love of effort, giving my all without expectation of results or return.

Please first try to connect with yourself with love.
Love that you are naturally imperfect, and love that you can forgive and do better as days go by.

Next, love your children.
Love them for their wonder and natural curiosity
Be wary though not to project your fears of inadequacy onto them
THEY ARE NOT YOU.
When its time to discipline, discipline.
When its time to love, love.

PMO distracts us from reality, making us uncertain if what we do are correct and appropriate.
The more we hang on to PMO, the less certain we are to know how to judge and deal with every situation.
PMO takes our emotions away, leaving only cold unloving logic that is blunt and brutal on others, and on ourselves.
The truth is that we need all of our emotions to manage relationships if we seek to find balance with others and ourselves.

Stop turning to PMO to resolve your inner discomforts.
Let your discomforts ring loud, so that you can adjust and modify, and slowly evolve to become the father you want to be.

How to be a better father ?
I think its the same as how to be a better "" or ""....
1. find a role model
2. have some mentors
3. become them
4. carry out your actions with love, empathy, forgiveness and a plan for improvement.

Your children are not bad people, and neither are you.

In vulnerability we find courage, in weakness we find strength, in love we find ourselves.

You'll do just fine.

 

[js2004]

Bedtime Thoughts - Day 61

Thanks MD20 for the kind words.  The funny thing is I am not really trying to be an inspiration, I'm just speaking my mind and heart right now, so I'm glad my words, thoughts and feeling are impacting others. 

Jimbodel, my kids are 9 and 7 so I'm a long way off on not being on speaking terms, but when I have these moments that's one of my fears.  I, like you am raising my children the way I was raised and that really is part of the problem.

TAN, you're right P&M did distract me from reality, it also made me ignore my feelings of inadequacy as a parent and the sadness from the less than memorable childhood I had growing up.

I really appreciate all of your comments.  I do feel better this evening and my son and I had a great night goofing off.  I see my therapist this week and need to work through some of these issues.  So thanks again and thanks for reading.