voidwarranty
Member
Hello all. I'm a 26yr old male who is ready to leave his dark internet past behind him and step forward into a brighter future. I discovered internet porn back when I was 11 and thought I had found the holy graile of what the internet was for. I started out slow and simple, basic free pictures and grainy videos. I continued this trend for quite a few years until my late teens. My parents had moved, and finally decided to get broadband internet. My mind was blown at what was out there on the world wide web. My simple pictures and grainy videos escalated quickly into full pornos and high def pictures. My tastes were still simple though, nothing that would be considered extreme or out of the ordinanry.
Months had passed and I noticed that my senses seemed dulled. What used to get me going and off, no longer felt like enough. I started to search for different things, things I scoffed at months before. This cycle continued until my use and "fetishes" were at an all time extreme. I put fetishes in quotes because I know in reality outside of online porn I would never take part in those things, or who knows given enough time I could have taken part in those activities.
Being an introvert did not help my porn use. I stayed inside and my porn never left the internet, so it was inside with me. We were buddies hand in hand. Video games not keeping me entertained, I know something that will. And so it went for months, then years. I noticed at age 22 that something may have been off when I had gotten into a relationship and things got sexual. The first time we tried to have sex my penis was lifeless. What's this I thought. Come on man you've got a girl all over you and you decided to go dead on me? I chalked it up to performance anxiety and never had an issue after that so figured no problem. I never took into account that my porn use had drastically fallen off from where it was, and that I had unintentionally started a reboot.
Once that relationship ended though I was right back to old habits, and hit them harder then before. I made it a game to see how many times I could masturbate in a day to porn, and would spend upwards of 8-10 hours looking at porn and rubbing myself raw. My brain though thought nothing of it. My excuse, hey it's my day off who am I hurting? Never took into account that I was hurting myself. Again years go by and my constant use continues. No relationship in my way to screw with what's working, and so it goes year after year.
I look at myself now, ashamed of what I've become and who I have hurt. Over 2 years ago I got into a serious relationship, serious enough we are engaged right now. I Love her with all of my being, and to see the pain I have caused her and our relationship kills me inside. When we first got together my porn use drastically fell off again. I had unintentionally started my second reboot. Here is where my brain decided to not stick to it. I got comfortable, and figured, hey our sex life is pretty good, if I feel the urge for some solo action why not take it. Sure it wasn't bad at first. Quick little me time and I was right back to doing something else. But performance issues started creeping up. Couldn't just go with the old performance anxiety this time had to come up with something else. Oh sorry honey stressing out at work, just not in the mood. Oh my potassium levels must be a bit low better eat a few bananas this week. I'm sure I came up with even dumber excuses then that. One day I told myself, hey I should just not masturbate as much. Noticed slight improvements, but fell back into masturbating to porn at least once a day.
It got to the point she asked me to stop looking at porn. I told her sure no problem, well couldn't keep that promise and then lied to her about my porn use. I ask myself daily how did I get so lucky to find a woman who is willing to put up with what I have become. Which leads me to why I'm here. Our relationship and my porn addiction hit an all-time low over this last year. To the point that not only did I emotionally cheat on my fiancee, but almost took the step to physically cheat on her too. Now in my book both of these are one in the same, and I'm not that guy who says, well at least I didn't have sex with her honey. She told me I have a problem and I scoffed at first thinking that she is crazy, but reading through everything and just taking a mental trip back in time has shown me that I do have a serious problem,and I need to fix it. Not only for me, but for us and our future.
I took initial steps. We are going to pre marriage counseling to help us with our communication, rebuilding of trust, and just to strengthen what we have. While I have learned quite a bit about myself in counseling, I have found that I am far to weak to try to break this porn addiction on my own. In the last two months I have tried and relapsed several times during the reboot which is why I am starting this journal. This will be my daily reminder of what I am doing and who I am doing this for. It won't be easy, but I know that with the support of my beautiful loving fiancee and this community I will overcome this addiction and rise above it and take my steps of freedom when it is all said and done. I look forward to interacting with this community and hope I can be a positive influence on it.
Thanks.
Months had passed and I noticed that my senses seemed dulled. What used to get me going and off, no longer felt like enough. I started to search for different things, things I scoffed at months before. This cycle continued until my use and "fetishes" were at an all time extreme. I put fetishes in quotes because I know in reality outside of online porn I would never take part in those things, or who knows given enough time I could have taken part in those activities.
Being an introvert did not help my porn use. I stayed inside and my porn never left the internet, so it was inside with me. We were buddies hand in hand. Video games not keeping me entertained, I know something that will. And so it went for months, then years. I noticed at age 22 that something may have been off when I had gotten into a relationship and things got sexual. The first time we tried to have sex my penis was lifeless. What's this I thought. Come on man you've got a girl all over you and you decided to go dead on me? I chalked it up to performance anxiety and never had an issue after that so figured no problem. I never took into account that my porn use had drastically fallen off from where it was, and that I had unintentionally started a reboot.
Once that relationship ended though I was right back to old habits, and hit them harder then before. I made it a game to see how many times I could masturbate in a day to porn, and would spend upwards of 8-10 hours looking at porn and rubbing myself raw. My brain though thought nothing of it. My excuse, hey it's my day off who am I hurting? Never took into account that I was hurting myself. Again years go by and my constant use continues. No relationship in my way to screw with what's working, and so it goes year after year.
I look at myself now, ashamed of what I've become and who I have hurt. Over 2 years ago I got into a serious relationship, serious enough we are engaged right now. I Love her with all of my being, and to see the pain I have caused her and our relationship kills me inside. When we first got together my porn use drastically fell off again. I had unintentionally started my second reboot. Here is where my brain decided to not stick to it. I got comfortable, and figured, hey our sex life is pretty good, if I feel the urge for some solo action why not take it. Sure it wasn't bad at first. Quick little me time and I was right back to doing something else. But performance issues started creeping up. Couldn't just go with the old performance anxiety this time had to come up with something else. Oh sorry honey stressing out at work, just not in the mood. Oh my potassium levels must be a bit low better eat a few bananas this week. I'm sure I came up with even dumber excuses then that. One day I told myself, hey I should just not masturbate as much. Noticed slight improvements, but fell back into masturbating to porn at least once a day.
It got to the point she asked me to stop looking at porn. I told her sure no problem, well couldn't keep that promise and then lied to her about my porn use. I ask myself daily how did I get so lucky to find a woman who is willing to put up with what I have become. Which leads me to why I'm here. Our relationship and my porn addiction hit an all-time low over this last year. To the point that not only did I emotionally cheat on my fiancee, but almost took the step to physically cheat on her too. Now in my book both of these are one in the same, and I'm not that guy who says, well at least I didn't have sex with her honey. She told me I have a problem and I scoffed at first thinking that she is crazy, but reading through everything and just taking a mental trip back in time has shown me that I do have a serious problem,and I need to fix it. Not only for me, but for us and our future.
I took initial steps. We are going to pre marriage counseling to help us with our communication, rebuilding of trust, and just to strengthen what we have. While I have learned quite a bit about myself in counseling, I have found that I am far to weak to try to break this porn addiction on my own. In the last two months I have tried and relapsed several times during the reboot which is why I am starting this journal. This will be my daily reminder of what I am doing and who I am doing this for. It won't be easy, but I know that with the support of my beautiful loving fiancee and this community I will overcome this addiction and rise above it and take my steps of freedom when it is all said and done. I look forward to interacting with this community and hope I can be a positive influence on it.
Thanks.